I claim no rights to Loki or the Avengers, only Dr. Bryardie and the story itself.
Hello people who make me happy, this is another looooong chapter, and there's a lot of what I've begun referring to as 'psychobabble' in it. You do not need to understand or remember any of it. It's interesting, and explains the title of the story, but if it's not really your cup of tea, feel free to skim.
Chapter 24: Complex Arrangements
Loki made it clear that she would prefer to return to normality as quickly as possible. She argued that since she knew the switch trigger, lying, she could reasonably control when and where her male form would appear. Fury, through Natasha, agreed, with the provision that Loki go to speak with Dr. Bryardie one more time. If the psychologist agreed, Loki would have all the privileges she had earned returned to her.
She quickly agreed, she had wanted to speak to Rowena again anyway. Before she did anything, though, she made sure to create a pair of sweatpants and a tank top large enough for her male form to wear. She knew what it meant if she lost all her magic, and while she wasn't sure how she felt about Him, she still didn't want Him to show up naked. She would wear these under her illusioned clothes at all times.
In the morning, she was taken back to Stark Tower. Her guard had been reduced to Natasha and one very large SHIELD agent. As they rode through the streets, Loki could sense an awkwardness between her and Natasha, as if she were completely the Black Widow and not at all the friend. Once again, she wondered what her male form could have said to make her so uncomfortable. Her ruby flashed, and she recalled the 'contingency plans' He had made in case Barton had not survived the invasion. She shuddered.
Even Dr. Bryardie seemed wary of her now, hesitating a little at the door before smiling and welcoming her in.
Loki sighed and flopped down on the couch.
"Something troubling you?" she asked. She began to make tea unasked, choosing a soothing herbal blend.
"All the work I did, trying to make friends and get people to trust me, and He's undone it in less than a week," she grumbled.
Rowena smiled sympathetically. "I wouldn't place all the blame on his behavior, that he still exists at all is a little alarming to some people."
She thought about that. "For most people, especially SHIELD operatives, I would believe that. But for Natasha, for you..." she shook her head. "He had to have said something, done something, to make you so hesitant."
She stirred some honey in the tea and passed it to Loki. "Well I can't speak for Natasha, but in my case it's rather my fault."
Loki frowned.
"I underestimated him in a number of ways. A psychologist is supposed to present an implacable facade. We should be fairly emotionless, beyond sympathy and understanding. I let him get under my skin, and then he saw past my mask." she shrugged. "With any other patient I would worry about having crossed that boundary."
Loki sipped her tea. It was warm, and made her feel calm. "Why not Him then?"
"I mentioned to you before that your description of your life before the change seemed to fit a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. It would seem that he retains this issue while you do not. One of the traits of this personality disorder is a lack of respect for or inability to judge boundaries."
She nodded, agreeing. "Why can't I remember anything that happened, like He can?"
Rowena sighed. "It fits something I've been thinking of. It's called dissociative identity disorder, or DID, for short. People with this disorder seem to have more than one personality in their heads. Often there's a single personality, sometimes the dominant personality, who can remember everything, and the others are only aware of their own existence."
Loki frowned. "Is the dominant personality the real one?"
She smiled. "Not always. There isn't really a 'real' personality or 'fake' ones. They're all part of the same person. Usually the mind has been fragmented by some kind of trauma. In your case, I believe it was the intention of the Morpheus interface."
"Why?" Loki asked.
"I imagine that Morpheus believed it would be of some benefit to you," she reasoned. She studied Loki a moment. "How are you holding up?"
She sighed. "I'm alright, I guess. I'm just frustrated that I have no idea what's going on. I'm just lucky He can't seem to go a week without lying."
Rowena raised her eyebrows, but said nothing. "Do you think it would be possible for me to speak to him again? I want to see if I could get him to agree to a few things that will make life a little easier for the both of you.
Loki frowned. She knew her former self better than anyone. "I would have to give something in return. What could I offer?"
"Time," she said simply. "As you mentioned, you have better control over your propensity to lie. You could remain in this form for months, indefinitely even. He won't like that."
"I don't like the idea of Him running my life either, you know," Loki pouted.
"If you have a right to exist, so does he. He was here first," Rowena pointed out.
She sighed, thinking. After a long moment she looked up and said, "I don't think that's a good idea."
Rowena began to say something in response, but closed her mouth with an audible snap as Loki changed before her eyes.
He stared down at the clothes he was wearing, picking at the tank top. "Well, the gesture was thoughtful, but I could have wished for something more... tasteful," he said flippantly. He glanced up to catch Rowena's surprised expression. "She's good, isn't She? I'll give Her that."
Dr. Bryardie snapped back to attention. Before that point, it had been easy to believe they were two totally different people. Seeing the change happen before her eyes made the idea much more solid. "You could ask," she suggested.
Loki raised an eyebrow.
"Leave her notes. She needs to know what's going on when she's gone. If you kept a...diary of sorts, and kept it on yourself, she could read it and know. She could also do you favors, if you needed it."
He smiled. "And what would I need to do in return?"
"Try to minimize the damage you do to her relationships. In particular, Natasha."
"Agent Romanov?" Loki narrowed his eyes.
"Yes. They are close. You could consider respecting their friendship," she suggested.
Loki tilted his head. "But I do respect it. I appreciate it. I should like to be... friends, with Natasha, at least."
Rowena laughed. "I know what you want with Natasha. And I'm not going to stop you from pursuing it. But you need to find a way to do it without destroying what
'She' has already established. Court her as an ordinary woman would expect to be courted, with kindness and consideration."
"Who says that I'm courting her? And anyway, she is not an ordinary woman," Loki argued.
"She's not a submissive either," Rowena shot back. "And she never will be. It's not in her to submit to anyone." She folded her arms.
Loki merely smiled.
Dr. Bryardie made a disgusted sound. "That's why you like her isn't it? You want to break her. Well I have some bad news for you. She's already been broken. She's spent a lot of time putting herself back together, and she's a lot stronger for it. If you succeed, you'd only be joining a long list of despicable people. And who knows what would be left, afterwards?"
This was more than sufficient to subdue him. He stared down at his hands. "I see your point. I shall be more... considerate when dealing with her."
"Good." Rowena relaxed. If he hadn't agreed, she wasn't sure he was worth the trouble.
"May I ask," Loki said suddenly, "what you really think the Morpheus Interface did? She's too naïve to notice, but I think you have made more than just a guess."
"I have a theory, yes." Rowena thought a moment. "It's against common practice to tell a patient what their diagnosis is, you know," she commented. "But I've never seen the sense of it. Putting a name to the problem can often do a world of good, even if it oversimplifies things a little."
"You said once that you didn't think anyone should be left in the dark. Why is She the exception?" Loki asked.
She sighed. "It's very complicated."
He leaned back. "I am not without some intelligence," he joked. "Try me."
Rowena took a deep breath. "When the field of psychology was still very young, there was a man named Carl Jung who put forward a lot of good theories.
Unfortunately, many of them dealt with the more mystical aspects of the psyche. Nowadays, people like to pretend that psychology is a so-called 'hard science,' based purely in empirical research and fact. There's no room for mysticism in science, they think. Magic, after all, is not real." She gave him an ironic smile, which he returned.
"One of these theories concerned Archetypes. A contemporary of his, a linguist by the name of Joseph Campbell, had proposed that all myths and stories had a similar plot, as well as the same characters: The old mentor, the goddess, woman as temptress, the father figure, etc. Jung agreed, but he wondered why. Why would so many people, across so many cultures, write the same thing, over and over? Jung theorized that this was due to the existence of a collective unconscious between all people, and that each of these Archetypes was embodied within and around every person."
Loki considered this. "It's a very grand proposal," he said, "but not terribly different from what I have learned, on various levels. Yggdrasil, for example."
"Yes," Rowena agreed. "We are all connected, somehow, even if it's just from the very experience of living. Jung argued that to become a whole, healthy person, one must come to recognize some of these archetypes within themselves, and accept them. This process is called individuation. There's a specific order in which one must discover and integrate each archetype. The first is the persona-the face that we present to the outside world. A child's main job is to develop this, the correct behavior and attitude as encouraged by his parents and peers. Next, the ego. This involves the discovery of what we want from life, and how we can realistically achieve those goals in the world around us. This usually happens in adolescence, with much turbulence." She paused, taking a sip of her tea.
Loki took the moment to reflect on how this applied to his own life. The world around him, Asgard, had expected much from him. Possibly too much. He had found that he couldn't gain what he wanted, approval and admiration, through the same methods as those around him: great deeds of strength and valor. So he had pursued magic, and he had learned to lie when the truth wasn't what he liked. "I'm with you so far," he said.
"Next comes the tricky part, and I think this is where your issues came to a head. The next archetype is the Shadow. The Shadow embodies the capacity for evil in all of us. Just as you stood on the cusp of the ego and the shadow, you learned of your true parentage. You learned that everything you had thought you knew, everything you had based the persona and ego on, was a lie."
Loki looked down at his hands, clenched on his knees. "Yes," he breathed.
"Instead of integrating slowly with the shadow, by accepting it as necessary but unthreatening, you embraced it. You became the shadow, because you thought the world expected it of you. Because that's what the Other wanted you to do."
He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the couch. "I am... I thought..."
"That you're evil? Because you're Jotunn?" Rowena suggested.
He nodded.
"Evil is a choice, Loki. No one is born good or evil. Everyone is offered both paths. Sometimes the world makes one or the other easier, but there is always a choice. That is the definition of free will," she said softly.
He swallowed. "So, if I failed to integrate the Shadow, what happens?"
She smiled, resisting the urge to laugh. "You can't fail this, Loki. It's more accurate to say that you have not succeeded yet. Jung would say that you have a shadow complex, that you were possessed by the shadow, which in your case I think is true in a very literal sense."
"So where does She come into the picture?" he asked.
"Ah, that's where it gets interesting," Rowena set down her cup decisively. "You see, the next stage after the shadow is the Anima or Animus. Every man has an Anima and every woman an Animus. They represent the aspects of the opposite gender. Gender is a construct of society, and nowhere near as black and white as they like to paint it. Each of us has qualities that better suit society's picture of the opposite gender. We have to learn to accept that we don't necessarily fit into society's pigeon holes, and that's okay. For some people this is easy, either because their personality neatly aligns with society's ideas, or because they are so different that it's always been obvious to them."
"Like Lady Sif?" Loki asked suddenly.
"Yes, Lady Sif is an excellent example. She knew she wanted to be a warrior, and she didn't care that in Asgard that is a man's role. She has embraced her Animus."
Loki frowned. "So then, that means my Anima..."
"...is Her," Rowena finished for him.
Loki groaned. "I hate Her."
"Of course you do," she said cheerfully. "She is everything you have suppressed within yourself, deeming it unfitting."
He made a disgusted sound. "She is naïve and gullible, and she reeks of sentiment. She opens herself to everyone, making herself vulnerable to attack. Like a babe in the woods."
"That is to say," Rowena corrected, "That she trusts. She trusts others, and trusts herself enough to admit to her own emotions."
He scowled at her. "Why not tell Her, then?"
Rowena looked thoughtful. "I don't think it would help. She is very insecure, as are you. If she comes to believe that she's not a vital part of your personality, that she's just some... fragment, then she will lack the confidence she needs."
He rolled his eyes. "How do I resolve this... Anima Complex? How do I get rid of Her?"
This time, she did laugh. "You don't. That's just it, to make her part of yourself again, you have to accept her. You need to see her value, and see how her traits are necessary to you."
"Well that's never going to happen," he said darkly.
"It's possible," Rowena admitted. "There are plenty of people who never reach the final stage, where they assess their previous progress and figure out how it all fits together."
Loki crossed his arms. "Whatever."
Rowena fought back a smile, he seemed so much like his other self in that moment that it was almost funny. Already she had begun to manifest in him. "Perhaps you would prefer that we focus on more practical matters, instead of vague theories?" she suggested.
"Very much," he said, still stubborn.
"I suggest that you work out a schedule to share your time. How much time do you think you should get?"
He laughed a little. "Well I know she'll give me at least one quarter," he argued.
"Hm, yes," Rowena agreed. "I, too, thought it a bit suspicious that she disappeared just before her fourth week as a human and then reappeared a week later. Perhaps deep down you don't want to know that much about being female."
He gave her a sarcastic glare. "I know more than you might guess."
She put up her hands. "Let's not argue the point. Is one week a month enough time for you?"
He thought about it. "It would be difficult to accomplish much in one week alone, but to be gone for longer than that would be very disrupting..."
"Alright, so every other week?"
He knew what she wanted him to say, and it irked him that she made him speak it anyway. "That would be fair," he said grudgingly.
"Excellent. A switch every week, that makes it simple enough. And in return, you'll try not to make too much of an ass of yourself?"
He smiled a little in spite of himself. "Perhaps. If she supplies me with some more appropriate attire," he suggested.
She produced a pen and a pad of paper from the coffee table. "Ask her yourself."
Loki took a moment to think out what to say, and then wrote it down. He folded it up, and handed the writing materials back to Rowena. "And now, I suppose I should disappear?"
Rowena gave him a sympathetic look. "Afraid so. I'll need to explain things to her. I'll see to it that she switches back in a week."
He nodded. "Let's see... I despise the color purple," he said. Nothing happened.
"Oh come on, you can do better than that," Rowena joked.
"Hmm... how about this? When I was very young, I broke Lady Sif's wrist. I told her it was an accident, I was new to using my magic. She believed me, foolish girl."
Rowena raised her eyebrows, but again, nothing happened. "Was that a lie?" she asked.
He frowned. "Yes. It was her elbow I broke." He looked down, thinking, and missed Rowena's slightly horrified expression.
"Perhaps I have to believe it, but I'm expecting you to lie?" she suggested.
This seemed to spark an idea in his mind. "Ah, here is a game we used to play in Asgard, at which I was the very best. I shall tell you three things. Two of them are true, and one is a lie."
She nodded. "That should work."
He put on a very straight poker face. "I love to dance. Once, I convinced Thor to dress like a girl. I loathe blueberries."
Rowena thought about it, but couldn't decide between dancing and Thor dressed as a girl. Apparently neither was right, because Loki changed back to her female form. She glanced up at the clock, and then down at the note in her hand.
"Well, that seems to have worked," she smiled. "What?" she asked at Rowena's funny expression.
"Do you like blueberries?" she asked.
She shrugged. "They're alright. I like them in pastries, especially."
"What about dancing?"
Loki's face lit up, "Oh, I love dancing. I always have."
Rowena smiled to herself, and began to explain to Loki how the arrangement would work.
A/N: My sister and psychology beta, Amy, wants me to point out that as Jung isn't really taught anymore (for the reasons mentioned in the story) she really has no idea how accurate my summary is. So you're going to have to rely on my very casual studies at the University of Wikipedia (although I didn't just look it up for the story—I've been interested in it for some time). However, she thinks that the conclusions Dr. Bryardie comes to are fairly sound.
Are you guys enjoying the new twice-a-week posting schedule? I know I'm super happy with the increase in reviews. Those always make my day! Up next on Saturday, Chapter 25: Persuasions.
