VI

"I just got lost
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Oh and I'm just waiting 'til the shine wears off

Lost – Coldplay"

That night, while they were coming back home, Robert was grateful for Cora having fast asleep beside him. He had drunk too much and was too confused for any type of conversation.

While he looked through the car window, fragments from that night came into his mind. The memory of Elizabeth still chasing him, painfully, dangerously. He had felt more at ease after they had talked, as if some of the pressure he felt in his chest had been removed. But he still felt the weight in his soul for what was not said between them, and probably never would.


Robert had come to look forward to every event in that season where he could be with Elizabeth. And he tried to be as inconspicuous as possible, not to raise any suspicion, nor from their parents, nor even from James and Rosamund.

He still did not quite understand the nature of his feelings for Elizabeth. He just knew that something had changed inside him since the night of the ball in Haxby.

And he knew he always wanted to be near her. He longed for every smile and every sweet look that always made him breathless. He longed for each dance, just to be able to feel the warmth of her hand in his. Maybe he was in love with her. But he could not tell for sure. He had never been in love with anyone before. But he also had never felt for anyone what he felt for her.

However, he needed to be sure of his feelings before start wooing her. There was a great deal at stake and he couldn't risk everything for an infatuation. There were James' friendship, their families' expectations, and there were also Elizabeth herself. He also was not sure about what she felt. He feared misinterpret her feelings, and lose everything by it. And he wouldn't bear to lose her friendship.

If he wanted to change the relationship between them, he needed to be sure of what he was doing. Because from the moment it began, there was only a single end accepted by their families. And he would never forgive himself if he would cause some kind of sorrow or embarrassment to any of them, especially to Elizabeth.

So he tried acting unobtrusively, creating occasions when they could be together without raising any suspicions. Then he always dragged Rosamund with him when he went to the Dunnington House, ensuring that his sister and James was distracted by some of their debates and not paid much attention to them. And so he always had come to request to Elizabeth the dances that preceded the orchestra's breaks, which meant that he could ask her for a stroll in the gardens during the break.

And it was in an evening, almost at the end of the season, while they were walking through the gardens, that he had had the sure he needed.

They had passed by James and Rosamund, who were talking with some acquaintances, on their way to the garden. But Robert had not heard the little chat between the two of them while Rosamund watched him and Elizabeth move away.

"He thinks he is always so smooth," she said quietly to James, who looked at her blankly.

"Who?"

"Robert." She whispered.

"What are you talking about, Rosamund?" James looked at her still without realizing what she was talking about.

"Oh, never mind," she said turning her attention back to their friends, and James had shrugged.

Elizabeth walked beside him, her hand placed on his arm. He could not say exactly how they got on that, but they were talking about Paris. Robert watched, delighted, the way her face lit up and the lovely smile dancing in her lips as she described the city, her favorite places, her findings on the last trip she had made with her aunt.

"But I have a confession to make," she told him, a coy smile on her lips and a sparkle in her eyes.

"A confession?" He repeated, with a silly grin on his face, without removing his eyes from her.

"Everything would just be better if you were there," she told him softly, her eyes fixed on his, and Robert felt his heart beat faster in his chest.

"How I want to kiss her right now," he thought, while struggling to keep a minimum of self-control.

"Maybe you should then..." Her gentle voice had caught him by surprise, and he flinched. Immediately he felt the heat spread out the collar of his shirt to his neck and faces. He was so embarrassed that he could not even look at her. Then he closed his eyes tightly, hoping that it had not happened.

"Good Lord, I didn't ... I just said it out loud ... didn't I?" He looked at her from the corner of his eyes, completely ashamed.

"Yes, you did," she smiled slightly, watching him become crimson red before her eyes.

Robert felt the heat rising even more in his cheeks, as if he might explode right there. And maybe it was not so bad, so it could wipe out his pathetic existence from Earth.

"Elizabeth ... please excuse me. I did not mean ... " He stammered.

"You didn't?" She seemed a little disappointed, and he did not know how to get out of that situation in a posh way.

"I mean ... I wanted... I mean... I... " Things were not getting better, he thought while taking a deep breath. "Excuse me, please." He finally managed to control himself enough to tell her.

"Do not apologize," she told him, and he saw her cheeks blush when she added, in a low voice. "Only if you do not kiss me."

Then, looking into her eyes, he suddenly has regained his confidence. He slowly approached her, and took her hand in his. And leaning slightly to her, he pressed his lips to hers in a soft and long kiss. And what he had felt at that moment, he had never felt before. And what he saw in her eyes was indescribably beautiful, and he felt his heart pounding inside his chest. And then, lastly, he was sure. Of everything.


Dinner that night was out to perfection. After so many years, if there was one thing Cora could be proud, it was that her staff and her family knew how to entertain their guests at Downton. As that was the first dinner they gave in a long time, she had taken extra precautions, especially to be sure that there was nothing that could affect Mary.

They all had been delighted with the presence of Elizabeth and her two sons. Even Rose had restrained her enthusiasm by the young Earl, and had behaved as she was expected. Well, with a few minor exceptions, that Cora relented only because she knew the girl's outgoing personality.

Everything had gone well, except for Robert's oblivious and a little peculiar behavior. He had been acting strangely lately, but she hoped that with guests at home, he could at least be more enjoyable.

She could be wrong, but she thought he had not exchanged a single word with Elizabeth all night long. She had seen Robert spend most of the time talking to the two young men. He had bypassed in a humorous way, when early in the night, Violet had been struck by the resemblance between the young Count and the late Elizabeth's brother, had said the she seemed to be in front of James Dunnington risen. But apart from that, he did not seem very at ease.

Considering that he and Elizabeth were childhood friends, this was very strange. Maybe they do not like each other at all. Or maybe something had happened at Stratford's ball to make him behave that way. Well, she really did not know.

On her side, Cora had amused herself talking with Rosamund and Elizabeth, who had seemed to her a perfectly pleasant person. She had also been well impressed with the two young men, whom she had found intelligent and humorous.

She thought about talking to Robert about his behavior, when later they had gone to bed. But she was not sure how to approach the subject with him, thinking that might touch on some sensitive point. Besides, she was not sure if it had just been a false impression of her. But Robert had made things easier. He had lain on the bed beside her, kissed her face and turned quickly to the other side to sleep without giving her any chances to say anything more than a simple good night.