IX
"Like ships in the night, You keep passing me by
Just wasting time, Trying to prove who's right
And if it all goes crashing into the sea
If it's just you and me, Trying to find the light"
Mat Kearney – Ships in the night
They had come back to Downton that afternoon and Robert and Cora were still almost without talking to each other. Dinner had been a silent and uncomfortable affair, and the night ended with him going to sleep in his dressing room. Or at least, trying to sleep.
He was lying there for some time, trying to read a book as he waited without success for sleep to come. The image of the cold and angry look on Cora's face during dinner didn't go out of his mind. He had tried to apologize to her before they travel, but not even he knew why, they had argued again, and the situation between them had got worse.
He sat on his bed, feeling frustrated. He knew he had not been acting like himself lately. Actually, he was being a complete ass. He walked to the door that separated his dressing from Cora's bedroom. Their bedroom... Approaching his ear to the door he didn't hear a single noise. Cora must have been asleep already. He knocked softly on the door and called her name, but got no response. He sighed heavily. He needed to talk to her, he had to apologize for acting like an idiot in the last days.
He opened the door slowly, trying not to make any noise as he tried to adjust his eyes to the darkness of the room. She was lying with her back to him, maybe sleeping. He paused for a moment, but decided to go into the room, shutting the door behind him. He walked slowly towards the bed, still thinking if the best approach would be simply go under the covers beside her or wake her gently with some soft kisses.
And then he tripped on something, falling on his back on the floor with a bang, and the next image he saw was the ceiling of their bedroom.
Cora had heard the knock on the bedroom door and Robert's voice calling her, but chose to ignore him. She also heard the soft creak of the door opening and then the click when he closed it. She believed he had come back to his room when another sound had startled her. A thud of something falling on the floor and, few seconds later, a groan.
She sat up quickly in bed and lit the lamp at her side. So she saw Robert lying on his back on the floor, staring at the ceiling.
"My God, Robert!" She jumped up and went to him, kneeling beside him, completely terrified. "What happened? Are you hurt?"
"I'm not sure," he groaned, turning his head to look at her. Robert then leaned on his elbows, and carefully she helped him to sit up.
"How are you feeling?" She said, touching his face gently, concern in her eyes.
He moved his shoulders and arms, stretching the sore muscles of his back. Apparently nothing had happened, beyond the embarrassment for the fall. He searched for what caused him to stumble and saw at his side one of the shoes Cora had used earlier, at dinner. Probably he had tripped on it. But what was it doing in the middle of the room was something he couldn't understand.
He was feeling better, and except for a little pain in his back, he felt nothing. But looking at Cora and the look of pure concern on her face, he thought that maybe that ridiculous fall could serve him for something. After all, it was the first time in last days she spoke with him without being harsh.
"I don't know... My hand is hurting." He said, holding out his hand to her. She held it between hers fondly, moving each one of his fingers carefully, straining to find out if there was something more serious, and analyzing his palm and his wrist.
"You must have hit it. But it doesn't seem serious injured. Can you move your fingers?"
He tried to move his fingers, as if testing it, his eyes fixed on her face. Cora pulled his hand to her lips kissing it softly, and he was pleased with the softness and warmth of her lips on his skin. Robert struggled not to smile, but he couldn't get his eyes off her.
"Someplace else who is hurting? Can you get up?" She looked at him, frowning worriedly.
"Yes... I feel a pain... here," he pointed to his lips, and saw her eyes narrowed dangerously after a small moment of confusion.
"Oh, Robert, don't push your luck!" She said, dropping his hand and getting up quickly. So, ignoring the twinge of pain he still felt in his back, he got to his knees and held her waist gently but firmly, preventing her from moving away.
"Cora, please," he turned her so she was facing him again, and slowly stood up. "Please forgive me for being so stubborn and rude to you in the last days." Her eyes softened slightly, and he took her hands between his and kissed it warmly, his eyes fixed on hers.
"And I promise I will not argue with you about whether or not we should get back to London. If you think it is important to Mary, then we will." She finally approached him, with a small smile in the corner of her lips. "All right," she said softly, and he felt the heat of her gaze warming his heart. "But you didn't need to go down on the floor because of it."
Robert chuckled, touching her cheek softly, removing one lock of dark hair from her cheek. She wrapped her arms around his neck approaching from his face and leaving between them only a small space, her lips almost touching his. He smiled, moving slightly and pressed his lips against hers in a tender kiss.
Cora then stepped away from him gently and pulling him by the hand led him to their bed. Robert lay down beside her, and let out a moan of pain when stretched his body on the bed. Cora raised his eyebrows inquiringly.
"My back..." he complained, and she helped him straighten the pillows tom become more comfortable.
"I can call Dr. Clarkson."
"It is not necessary. Tomorrow I'll be better."
"Are you sure?"
"I am." He smiled at her, pulling her to him. She cuddled up next to him, her head resting on his chest, his arm wrapped around her waist.
"But there is one thing I need to know. What was that shoe doing in the middle of the room?" He asked her, his hand sliding gently along her arm.
Cora leaned on one elbow lifting her head to look at him, a sheepish look on her face. "Well... I think you can blame me for that." Robert looked at her blankly, waiting for her to explain.
"I was so angry with you that I just put all my frustration at the poor shoe and threw it against the door," she said to him with a coy smile.
Robert giggled, feeling again the pain in the muscles of his back. "Well, perhaps that explains the noise I heard earlier, shortly after Bates had gone." He looked at her, amused. "Fortunately the door was shut," he finally said, kissing her forehead. Cora turned off the lights and cuddled up again to him. "Fortunately", she said, smiling.
Although things have eased up between them, Robert was far from behaving normally. Cora still thought he was oblivious and irritable, and she had any clue about the reasons he was so distressed. Lately, anything had become a reason for a disagreement between them, and she was frankly getting tired of this. Earlier, they had again argued by some other nonsense and he left her talking to herself in the sitting room, which had left her totally angry.
Now, as she was in the sitting room, trying to work on her embroidery, she tried to mentally recall recent events, trying to understand what was happening to him.
Robert's strange behavior had begun after... So it finally struck her, and Cora felt like she'd been punched in her stomach. She felt a lump in her throat, suddenly getting dizzy. Tears came to her eyes, all the events popping into her head as a succession of painful memories.
The odd way he had reacted when they decided to invite them to dinner… The encounter between him and Elizabeth in the garden at the Stratford's ball… His efforts to avoid Elizabeth during dinner at their house… The way his eyes always seemed to be looking for someone at parties and dinners in London… Elizabeth's strange reaction at the last ball... The furtive glances and smiles… It was all there, right before her eyes and she seemed just to have chosen to ignore.
She stood up, unable to remain seated, feeling her whole body shiver before the evidences that Robert could feel something for another woman. It simply couldn't be true. She couldn't believe that he could... He could have feelings for Elizabeth.
But it was all there, it was impossible to deny those facts. Everything had happened before her eyes while she was too busy with other things to pay attention. And she knew Robert well enough to see the way he looked at Elizabeth, the way he smiled at her... "Oh, God…", she panted, looking for something to lean on, feeling as if the room was spinning.
It was as if suddenly everything had simply collapsed over her head, and she felt completely overwhelmed by that painful discovery. She climbed up the stairs almost running, seeking refuge in her room, tears streaming down her face freely. She couldn't let Mary see her like that and above all she didn't want to face Robert, not now. Not yet.
He met her near the luncheon in their bedroom. She was packing for London. They would take the train in the afternoon, and there was still time for him and Bates to pack his things.
When she looked at him, Robert could tell she had been crying. What made him feel even worse. He wanted to talk to her earlier, apologizing again. It seemed that lately this had become a sad routine, engage in some silly argument with her, act like an idiot and then apologize to her.
She dismissed Edna and they were finally alone. Robert sat on the edge of the bed next to her, but she got up and walked over to her dresser, staying silent for a long moment without facing him.
"Robert, I need to talk to you. But I want you to hear me until the end without interrupting me. Because, otherwise I don't know if I can do this."
There was a look of pain in her eyes when she turned to him, leaving Robert completely disarmed. He knew just by the tone of her voice as the conversation was being hard on her. So he stood sitting there, looking at her, feeling his heart sink in his chest, fearing what she had to say.
"I always knew you didn't love me when we got married. But I didn't care too much, because I knew you were fond of me in your own way. And all that I wanted was to make you happy." Her voice was gentle, and she spoke slowly, as if choosing each word carefully. "In the beginning, it was harder than I thought it would be. Because, as much as I tried, I didn't know how to reach you," she looked at him for a moment, and then turned her gaze to the garden. "I always knew that something must have happened to you before we met. When you let your guard down, when you thought no one was looking, I could see a deep sadness in your eyes... And it always broke my heart... Because I didn't know how to help you... I didn't know how to heal the pain that you were trying so hard to hide from me."
Cora paused for a long time, and when she looked back at him, the sadness in her eyes broke his heart. Robert felt a lump in his throat, and struggled to control his emotions. He never thought that so early in their relationship, when they knew so little about each other, she could have realized his feelings in that way.
"Then, at the end of our first year, I realized that something had changed in you. And finally that sadness was completely gone. That's when I found out that you had fallen in love with me." The expression in her eyes softened at the memory. He stood up to walk to her, but she held up her hand, stopping him, and taking a deep breath, she continued.
"I was never worried about that, between us two, I was the one who loved most. It never really made any difference, because everything that mattered was that you loved me."
"I still love you..." he blurted out, his voice no more than a whisper.
She nodded slowly, her eyes fixed on his. "I was very happy over the years only for it. Because you have loved me with your heart, your mind and soul... Although you have made a mistake..." Her voice faltered for the first time, and he realized she was struggling against her emotions. "I don't hesitate to forgive you because I knew it had been in a moment of weakness, when you had lost your way. And maybe, I had had my share of guilt... The same way you forgave me when I had dumped all my frustrations and anger over you about what happened to... our daughter." She paused a long time again, recovering from the pain of remembering Sybil.
And yet he knew that he had hurt her, he could not understand why she was going so far with that. He sat heavily on the bed again when she went on.
"It was this love that always made us find our way back to each other over the years. But now, Robert..." She had to gather the strength to go on. She fought against tears, and she didn't want to fall apart in front of him, she couldn't.
"Cora, I..." but she interrupted him again, preventing him from saying anything, raising her hand. He did not know exactly why she was telling him all that, and was completely lost, fear in his eyes.
"Please let me finish. I need to..." She took a deep breath again before proceeding. "Now, this is completely different... I've seen the way you look at her. I saw how your eyes search for her all the time. I saw the way you smile, without even realizing it, when she's around ... And I saw the way she looks at you."
She closed her eyes for a moment, and turned her back to him, trying to reorganize her thoughts and not be overwhelmed by her emotions. She needed clearness in her mind if she wanted to make him see everything. And she couldn't if she had to look at him, seeing her own confusion and pain reflected in his eyes.
Robert had finally realized what was happening and was totally mortified, her sadness and sorrow breaking his heart. He felt terribly bad for being so weak and allowed her to see the mass of feelings he was enduring.
"But this, Robert, it is something deeper, older. And I'm afraid this could be something stronger than us." He noticed the slight shiver in her shoulders, and there were tears in her eyes when she turned to him again. "I can't live like this, Robert, with a shadow between us. After living a love so intense, so absolute... I can't want anything less than you whole. Your mind, your body, your heart and soul with me." Now she struggled to control her tears, and her voice was choked when she tried to speak again.
"I need you to find out... to understand... what you really feel about her. I need you to decide... how you want to live the rest of your life, Robert. Then I will go to London, and you'll remain here. "
"You're leaving me…" his voice was little more than a whisper as he spoke.
"No," she said, closing her eyes, searching for the least self-control she still had. "I'm not that strong." She looked at him once more. "I'm simply giving you..." she nodded subtly and corrected herself, "I am just giving us the space and time we both need to fix this."
"Cora, I... We... I don't..." He couldn't even articulate a single sentence. He was too shocked to think of something coherent to say. His eyes were red and bloodshot, and he was desperately trying to hold his own tears. He could see the suffering he had caused to her, and he didn't want to crumble in front of her, because he knew that only would make things worse.
She took a deep breath and turned back to him, trying to pull herself together. "Robert, there is nothing more to be said..." She finally came near him, fighting her emotions. "I'll be at our home in London. Come see me when you know what you truly want."
He desperately wanted to tell her not to leave, tell her that it made no sense because he loved her, that Elizabeth was something that happened in his past, but he couldn't. A part of him knew she was right. Maybe it was the only way to prevent it destroying them. And then he just reached out and holding her hand tightly pulled her to him. She offered no resistance, and allowed him to hold her for a brief moment, but then put her hands on his chest pushing him gently away from her.
"I need to pack," she said, turning her face to hide the tears that began to stream down her face.
Robert nodded slowly, but stood there with tears in his eyes, unable to move. He looked at her for a long time. He knew she was crying because of the way her shoulders trembled, but he could not take a single step toward her. And then he turned around and left the bedroom, leaving her alone with her tears, unable to tell her everything that was going on within his own soul and heart.
