XI
"I know all about time and wound healing, but even if I had all the time in the world, I still don't know what to do with all this hurt right now."
No one had believed in her explanations about Robert's reasons for staying at Downton. But none of them had the courage to ask her what was really going on. Except for Tom. When they had been alone with Sibbie in the late afternoon, he had asked her if there was anything he could help, and she realized the sincere affection and concern on his face. She felt touched by his concern, but even with the close relationship they had developed after the Sybill loss, she could never tell Tom what was really happening.
In fact, the only person with whom she felt comfortable talking about that was Rosamund. Especially because, if there was anyone who knew Robert's past and whom could bring some light to what was happening to him, this one was his sister.
So Cora managed to outwit everyone to go alone to Rosamund's house that afternoon. Her sister in law received her in the living room, and Cora thought she should have realized right away that something was amiss with the apprehensive expression that came over her face as soon as she had caught her.
Rosamund motioned for her to sit on the couch beside her. "I've asked to bring us tea," Rosamund said, looking at her for a moment before continuing. "Something happened, Cora? You look a little dejected."
Cora took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a second, trying to control the pain that invaded her chest, her whole self-confidence disappearing suddenly, and she did not know for sure where to start anymore.
"Cora?" Rosamund took her hand, her eyes peering into her face to searching for some answers.
Then the butler came accompanied by one footman to serve them tea. The two were silent while they served them, and as soon as they finished, Rosamund dismissed them. Once they were alone again, Cora finally spoke.
"Rosamund, you are the only one I can talk about it."
"What happened, Cora?" She frowned, a strange feeling in her chest."Where is Robert?"
She touched the right spot this time, and tears came immediately to Cora's eyes.
"At Downton," Cora replied, trying to pull herself together, her voice still trembling as she spoke. "I need you to tell me the truth, Rosamund. What happened between Robert and Elizabeth in the past? "
Rosamund blinked, that question taking her completely by surprise. She didn't know what to say, and even if she did, she didn't know if she could tell her the truth.
"Cora, I don't ..."
"Please don't try to hide the truth from me, Rosamund," she said, cutting her off, her voice sounding bitter. "I'm tired of it." Cora look at her, her blue eyes full of sorrow. "He loves her, doesn't he?"
"Cora, this story doesn't belong to me so I can tell you." Rosamund stood up, feeling unable to remain seated. "But I can assure you that all happened before Robert meet you." He looked at her, trying to look as confident as possible of what she was saying, even if she hadn't intimately so sure. "And whatever has happened between them, is something that belongs to the past."
"No, this is happening now, Rosamund! I saw something in Robert's eyes and saw the same in her eyes. I just don't know what it is." She trembled slightly, and Rosamund did not know what to do or what to say to her to calm down the pain she could see in her eyes. "I know that something happened, and I know it was strong enough to let Robert shaken again now." Cora paused a long time, as tears streamed down her cheek, stubborn. "And I need to know what happened."
"Please, Cora." Rosamund approached her, sitting beside her once more. She took her hand with affection, even without knowing what to say. "This is something that only Robert can tell you."
He made his horse run on his way back to Downton, wanting to get as soon as possible to make all the necessary arrangements for his return journey to London, still today if possible. His heart tightened in his chest, the image of the pain he saw Cora's eyes not leaving his mind. The suffering he imposed to her was so tangible that he felt that his own body aching.
But with the pain, he felt a fear rising inside his heart. Fear that this time he had gone too far. A fear that was no longer possible to fix things. He was totally afraid that he could have lost her forever.
"I'm just giving us the space and time we both need to solve it," Cora's words seemed to echo in his mind, "... giving us space and time ..." He shook his head slightly, trying to push away those thoughts . There was no time for that, if he wanted to be in London today so far.
Once he arrived, he ran straight to the phone, to settle everything for his trip. To his displeasure, due to a problem on the railway, which nobody had managed to explain him satisfactorily, he could only leave the next afternoon.
He angrily hung up the phone. He could go by car, passing the point with the problem, and take the train at a station below. He picked up the phone again to make another call, but gave up with a sigh resigned. Maybe this was for the best. Maybe the extra time would serve to him to find out the right way to fix things, and he could give Cora the time she needed to let it all settle down within her as well.
He walked slowly to the library, and stood there a long time, watching the garden, an infinity of fears and memories running wild in his mind, ghosts from the past and present. In his heart what he feared most was that the damage to their relationship this time could no longer be reversed. And if that happened, if Cora didn't want to stay any longer at his side, he knew he was doomed. Because he knew he barely existed if he wasn't at her side.
He had met Rosamund alone in the library in the afternoon. She had avoided him for most of the day, surely knowing he was angry with her. But now he could finally tell everything he was feeling.
"You had no right to treat Cora that way, Rosamund!" He said harshly.
Rosamund tilted her head in a cocky manner, challenging him, which only served to increase his anger. "And why are you so angry, Robert, if you don't feel anything for her?"
He clenched his fists, feeling his fingernails into his palms, and approached her, his blue eyes narrowing in a dangerous manner.
"That doesn't justify the fact that you have been rude and inconvenient!" He said, his voice rising.
"Come on Robert! You know as well as I do that she was only after a title, as if she could become someone with a good marriage."
Robert took another step toward her, his eyes blazing with fury.
"I forbid you to talk about her like this!" He said, pointing his finger to her, his voice rising even more. "Is not enough everything she already came through? She left everything she knew and loved to... to marry me..." He closed his eyes for a moment, as if it was difficult for him to go on, his voice calming down. "And be dragged to my life..." He rubbed his forehead, and then threw his arms heavily at his sides, suddenly feeling a huge weight on his shoulders. He turned his back to Rosamund, and closed his eyes, trying to pull himself together.
"I knew you cared about her more than you could to admit," Rosamund said finally, in a soft voice.
"Of course I care about her, Rosamund. How I couldn't?" He ran a hand through his hair. "She is this sweetest woman, so beautiful and so lovely... And every time she smiles is like ... it's as if the day lit up." His voice softened as he spoke. "And sometimes she is so fragile that makes me want to hold her in my arms and never let her go. And other times she is so brave and self-assured when facing all adversity which she has undergone, which makes me so proud to be at her side. So proud that she has chosen me." He was silent for a moment and put his hands in the fireplace, lowering his head, to stare at his shoes. He felt his heart sink in his chest. "She could have chosen any other man, Rosamund. But she chose me. And I wish I could make her happy... But I just don't know how..."
"Robert ..." He felt her hand on his shoulder and turned to see in Rosamund's face a soft smile. "But you know how. You just need to tell her."
"Tell her... what?" He shook his head, without understanding what she had in mind.
Rosamund raised her eyebrows. "That you love her."
He looked at her smiling sadly. "I can't lie to her."
"Lie?" Rosamund looked at him for a moment, as if analyzing his face. "So you didn't see it, did you, Robert?"
He looked at her blankly and she continued with a little smile at the corners of her lips. "You didn't realize that you truly love her." It was not a question, it was a statement, as if she was entirely sure whereof she spoke. Robert opened his mouth to speak and closed it again, the strength of his sister's words catching him completely by surprise. She tilted her head slightly, studying his reactions.
"But I don't…"
"You should hear yourself talking about her, dear brother. Only a man in love would talk about a woman the way you talked about her. Can't you see?"
Robert looked at her in silence, his heart pounding in his chest, for the first time realizing that maybe his feelings for Cora could be deeper than he thought.
"No, you can't. Because you are too busy feeling sorry for yourself." She said, looking at him gravely. "You must want to be happy to be able to make somebody happy, Robert. So stop mourning the past." She placed her hand gently on his arm, pausing."And you need to tell her that you love her. You must tell Cora, before it's too late."
He watched her crossing the library and disappearing through the door, her words echoing in his mind.
Robert had dined in his dressing-room that night. In fact, he barely touched the food, he had no appetite. He couldn't think of anything but Cora and how she must be feeling.
He slowly opened the door between his dressing room and her bedroom. Their bedroom. The image of the empty bed lit by the dim moonlight as a sad reminder of her absence. He walked to the bed and sat down on her side of the bed, holding one of the pillows against his face, trying to feel her scent.
He looked at the empty bedroom. Her absence made that room look gloomy, the bed cold and too big. He stood up with a sigh. It was too late to call London and try to talk to her. He had not dared to call her during the day because he wanted to spare themselves from the embarrassment of her refusing to talk to him and making an excuse someone to give him on the phone.
He walked to his dressing room again. Perhaps after a night of sleep he would have the courage to call her to let her know of his arrival. But he knew that sleep would not come so easy that night.
He jumped the train that afternoon feeling tense. He hadn't called to tell them of his arrival, so no one was waiting for him at the train station. He had no idea how she would receive him, but had chosen not to say anything simply for fear that she could tell him not to come.
He was still at the train platform when he saw Elizabeth talking to a woman who should probably be her maid and the porter. She smiled when she saw him and Robert walked towards her.
"Well, it seems that we continue to meet each other, Lord Grantham."
"It seems so," he said with a grin, watching the porter to follow her maid on their way out of the station.
Robert offered her his arm that she held and he escorted her to the car that was waiting for her outside the station, where the driver was accommodating her bags into the car.
"You will stay long in London yet?" He asked her finally.
"Just two days, after I will come back to Italy."
"And Haxby?"
"It will remain open. My sons will stay there for some time, along with my sister and my brother in law." She looked at him with a smile. "Do you remember Charlotte?"
"Of course I do." Robert returned the smile.
"Well, they plan to spend some time in Haxby."
Robert nodded slowly, and then taking her hand, helped her into the car.
"I hope you make a safe journey home." He told her, and she smiled.
"Thank you."
Robert watched as the car moved on and disappeared around the corner. Then he turned to look for a taxi to take him home, feeling his heart again tighten in his chest at the thought of what might happen.
Cora was home alone, the silence weighing in her ears and gloomy thoughts invading her mind.
Mary and Tom had gone to Hyde Park and Rose had joined them. Edith had said she would look to some shops for things that she needed, but she had a strong feeling that she had actually gone to meet Mr. Gregson.
So she had decided to go for a walk too, avoiding any place she could find someone she knew. She desperately wanted to be alone. Cora walked the streets aimlessly, completely lost in her thoughts. Rosamund had not told her very much in the previous afternoon, and what she had told her not served to placate the pain and fear in her heart.
Rosamund had told her she should immediately come back to Downton, so insistently and with being so worried expression in her face that Cora had suspected there was something more there. And then she insisted until Rosamund told her that Elizabeth had returned to Haxby one day before they themselves had gone back to Downton.
This news only served to increase the fear growing in her chest, even though she knew that Robert had no idea that Elizabeth was in Haxby, so close to him, Cora suddenly felt as if she had just pushed him into her arms.
Shaking her head, she tried to push away that thought, feeling tears come to her eyes, and then realized she was near the train station. She had already walked too much, and felt the fatigue in her legs. Maybe she should hire a taxi and go home.
Then she saw him coming out of the train station. He hadn't said anything about coming home today, but she had no doubt it was Robert. And she felt her heart stop beating in her chest. A few feet away was her husband, her Robert, accompanied by another woman. Elizabeth.
She covered her mouth in a gesture of horror, and immediately felt her knees go weak, and tears streamed down her cheeks without of control.
It seemed then that he had made his choice. Without being able to look at the scene unfolding before her eyes, she turned and tried to run, but all she could was staggering to the next corner, where she entered into a taxi. She desperately needed to go away, even though she did not know where she was going. She was completely in shock, and felt as if nothing made sense in her life anymore.
