I apologize for taking so long to post this new chapter. As this chapter was a bit long, I had to split in two. But I promise I will post the next one quickly. Thanks to all the reviews, and please keep sending it.
XIII
"I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Jason Mraz – I won't give up"
Robert just couldn't stay still in the same place. He should have already walked for miles inside the drawing-room, completely fidgety and nervous. He had served himself a glass of brandy, thinking that a drink would calm him, but had given up and now the glass remained virtually untouched on a table. After the first sip, he had been sure that just one glass wouldn't be enough to appease his mind and his heart. And then, in a moment of sanity among the storm, he gave up the idea. The last thing he needed was to show up drunk in front of Cora.
He managed to be alone in the drawing-room after he had practically banished Edith, Tom and Rose. His daughter and son in law insisted on keeping him company, and Rose... well, Rose seemed wanted to know what was happening. But the last thing he wanted at that moment was to share with them such personal events. It had been embarrassing enough having to talk so openly with Mary, even though he couldn't regret of having done it. Then, using the most of his, at that time, almost nonexistent self-control, he had made them realize that it was better for him to be alone. And then they had left him, alone in his agonizing wait.
He drew the curtains once more to peer into the street without seeing any sign of Mary. He sighed and let himself fall heavily in one of the armchairs. After the conversation with Mary in the morning, she had accepted to help him.
He desperately needed to talk to Cora, but he knew that if he just showed up at the hotel, she would refuse to receive him. And so he asked Mary to intercede for him, to try to convince Cora to accept a conversation with him.
For him that whole situation was very hard, not only because his actions had caused an untold suffering to the woman he loved, but also because he had been forced to involve their daughter in all this. But Robert knew that any misstep now could only make things worse. And by the way Cora had left Grantham House the day before, and by all that Mary had told him, he knew that his wife was on edge.
He heard the sound of the door closing and jumping from the chair, walked hastily to meet Mary in the hall. She didn't have to say a single word for him to know that she hadn't succeeded. It was stamped in her sad dark eyes. And Robert felt a pang in his heart.
She followed him into the drawing-room and he closed the door behind him, looking at her with a silent question in his eyes.
She gave him a worried look, sitting on the sofa. "I'm sorry." Mary said finally, shaking her head. "But she is adamant about it, Papa."
Robert nodded slowly, his gaze lost at some point, as he thought about what would be his next step, struggling with his emotions on the edge to get out of control at any moment. He sat next to Mary and remained silent for a long moment.
"And how is she?" It was all he managed to say, trying to ignore the lump that had formed in his throat.
Mary looked at him for a long time before answering, as if pondering what would be the best answer to that question. "Not very well," she said finally, trying to analyze the impact of her words on him.
Robert knew she was trying to be lenient with him. He looked at her for a moment, then made his decision. Never mind that Cora didn't want to talk to him, he would speak to her even though he had to hack into her hotel room. He stood abruptly and walked toward the door with long strides.
"Papa? Where are you going?" He was already in the hall when she reached him, and watched him with horror as he took his coat and hat to leave. "Please don't go there right now... I don't think it's a good idea... "
"And what else can I do, Mary?" He tried to control his voice, and yet his words sounded harsh and desperate. "I should allow her to continue with this absurd idea to leave me? I just can't stand sitting here doing nothing while my life falls apart."
Mary grabbed his arm, causing him to look at her.
"No. I know you have to do something. But now isn't the right time." She looked at him, straight in his eyes, before continuing. "Maybe... Mama asked Edith, Tom and I come to see her tomorrow. I think we can figure something out until there."
Robert looked at his daughter trying to control his emotions. He just didn't know how he could survive until the next day. But something in the tone of Mary made him give up going to the hotel and force his entry. Maybe she was right and all that Cora needed was a little more time.
Next day, Robert crossed the hotel lobby, accompanied by Mary, and the two walked to the reception desk, where he asked the receptionist to warn Cora about the arrival of her daughter.
They had decided the night before that this was the best way. Mary would have to deceive and thwart her mother, but she thought it was for her own good.
A messenger was sent Cora's room and returned shortly after indicating that they could go up. Mary accompanied him to the stairs, where she separated from him, giving him a significant tightening in his hand. Robert looked at her with fondness, and kissed her cheek.
"There is no need waiting for me." He looked at her, and there was a really serious expression in his eyes. "I don't know how long..."
Mary nodded silently, before telling him, "I'll be at home."
He gave her a sad smile and turned, climbing the stairs slowly, trying to push away from his mind all his fears. He was desperate, but he knew that if he couldn't think clearly, he would never be able to tell Cora what he needed.
Robert stood in front of her hotel room door and hesitated for a moment before knocking lightly. It only took a few seconds for her to open, and he could see the look of horror in her eyes when she looked at him standing there. She attempted to shut the door, but Robert prevented her, holding the door and forcing his entry before she could do anything.
"What are you doing here?" She said, her eyes cold as ice and her voice rough. "Go away, Robert!" As he didn't move, she reiterated, her voice even rougher. "Please, go away!"
"Please, Cora. We need to talk," Robert said, trying to keep his voice calm, closing the door behind him.
"I have nothing to say to you." Her blue eyes flashed with anger and he detected the slight tremor in her voice when she spoke. "Leave now, or I'll be forced to call the hotel security saying you broke into my room."
He thought of telling her that he knew she wouldn't dare to do that, but instead he took another step toward her before speaking again.
"But I need to talk to you." He said, softly but firmly, his eyes fastened on hers. "And you must listen to me."
She looked at him and for a second Robert thought he could be able talk to her. But then the expression on her face stiffened again, and her voice sounded cold and bitter when she spoke.
"I don't need to hear anything! Mary may have believed what you told her. But I don't!" She said with fury in her eyes, the words thrown at him as if they were knives. "I saw the two of you, Robert."
"Cora, do you think so little of me, that do you believe I would do such a thing?"
"I saw you two at the train station." She repeated, this time with a harsh voice, out of control.
"What you saw was the farewell of two old acquaintances." He said, approaching her again. But she turned her back, and he saw the tremor on her shoulders.
"And wasn't only that, Robert. I've seen the way you looked at her. Was it the way you look to your old acquaintances?"
Robert took a deep breath, trying to find the right words to explain himself. How she would understand it when he himself had taken so long? "Cora, I'm really sorry that I'd hurt you... I know I'd been acting like a fool... And I should told you before... But..." He looked at her, before continuing. "I was very young when everything happened... And things happened in a so painful way... which ended up leave some deep wounds..."
"Do you love her?" She suddenly asked, her voice sounding incredibly calm.
"No," he replied without hesitating even a second, his voice sounding like it wasn't his. "No," he repeated, this time controlling himself.
"Did you ever love her?"
This time Robert took a bit longer to answer. Why she had to go in that direction? He ran a hand through his hair, thinking about the answer to the very same question he had done himself a countless times recently. This wasn't an easy answer, but he knew he owed it to Cora. And if she wanted, he was finally ready to tell her the whole truth.
"There was a time... when I thought so." He finally managed to say, looking at her for a moment wishing that she turn away to face him, so she could see the truth in what he was saying to her. But she didn't move and all he could see was a slight tremor in her shoulders.
"It's hard to explain..." he blurted out in a very small voice. He was desperately searching for the words to explain to her what had happened, to explain to her how he had felt in recent days. "And things like these always leave their marks... Things that needed to be said... Things that needed to be cleared up... And so I had to talk to her."
"Did you look for her?!" She turned suddenly, and there was a mixture of annoyance and anger in her eyes.
"No. I... We met by accident..." He hesitated. And then he opened his mouth to continue explaining what had happened because he wanted to end for once and for all that torture, but he had no time to say anything. Suddenly all he could see was her hand coming heavily toward his face, and he quickly moved in a reflex, holding her wrist, perhaps with more force than necessary, catching her hand in the air.
"Robert, go away!" This time she yelled at him, and instead of releasing her, he pulled her tightly towards him, holding her wrist, trying to control his own anger. His final action had put their faces very close and he could feel her breathing on his cheek, her scent overwhelming his senses.
"But I won't go," he said simply, struggling to control his voice. He didn't want to be angry with her, but she was not making things easier. "Please, Cora. It's all part of my past... And... I don't know... "
Then again she surprised him when she shortened the distance between them, kissing him as her lips could devour his in a kiss full of anger and desire. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her body pressing against his, making him shiver.
Robert knew that was not the right way to solve things. He then tried gently to push her away from him, but he felt his strength slipping away as she explored his neck with her lips, her hands quickly undoing his tie, sliding down his chest looking for his waistcoat buttons and trying to open his shirt. He could feel her hands everywhere, touching him, caressing him with an uncontrolled desire. He let himself into the moment, his hands covering her body, his thirsty lips over hers. Robert knew he couldn't resist much longer, and if he didn't interrupt now, he could no longer control his growing desire for her. She was still able to dominate all his senses so completely that made difficult for him even to think. So, fighting against the urge to take her in his arms and carry her to the bed, in a last coherent thought before he surrendered altogether, he pushed her firmly but gently.
Robert turned away from her and lowered his eyes, unable to look at her, trying to pull himself together, his breathing still panting.
"Please go away." She said in a hoarse whisper, turning her back to him again, leaning on the bed as if she could not stand without support.
"Cora, I ..."
"Please ..." She practically begged, and he again saw her shoulders shivering. Robert walked up to her and touched her arm gently, trying to make her to turn to him, but she turned away from him again.
"Robert, please... I need to be alone... I don't... I couldn't talk to you now... Please go." She repeated. There was something in the tone of her voice that just broke his heart, and he knew instantly that there was nothing he could tell her right now that would make any difference. He once again had hurt her.
He walked slowly to the door, and stood there for a moment, looking at her. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling like a complete idiot for ruining the only chance he had and he probably would have to fix everything. He opened his mouth to speak, but stopped. And feeling his heart sink in his chest, he left her.
As soon as she heard the sound of the door closing, she collapsed. Tears came in full force, streaming down her face, and she lay down on the bed, feeling utterly wasted. She curled up, holding her knees tightly against her chest, as if it could protect herself from the waves of pain that invaded her chest.
She still loved him very much. Too much. She couldn't imagine how life would be without him. And yet, it was so hard to believe him. Maybe it was the hesitation in his voice, maybe it was because there were still a lot that needed to be said. But the truth was, that despite wanting so much, she couldn't believe him. If only he had told her everything before, maybe she could understand him. But his silence only served to give her the certainty that she was losing him.
She awoke hours later, had cried herself to sleep once more. She felt her head and body aching, still tense. She stood up and walked to the washroom and looked at the image of herself in the mirror, her face swollen, her eyes red.
She didn't know what time it was, but it must be mid-afternoon. She had hardly eaten anything for breakfast, and even so, she was not hungry. So, she opened the tap to fill the tub. Maybe a hot bath would help her to feel better. She returned to the bedroom, and sat on the bed, listening to the sound of the water falling in the tub.
Then she saw the white piece of paper on the room's floor, near the door. She knew what it was before she even had walked into the paper and picked it up. One note, neatly folded, with her name written on the front in the steady and elaborate Robert's calligraphy.
But she didn't open it. She just stared at the paper in her hand, feeling her cold fingers twitching. So, without further thinking, she ripped the note, and threw the pieces of paper on the floor, in anger. And then, she went back to the washroom, determined to get into her bath. But she couldn't.
He had come there to explain himself to her. And, to be honest, she had not given him a real chance to talk. She came back to the bedroom and observed the pieces of paper scattered on the floor for a long time. Finally, she knelt on the floor and gathered the pieces one by one, uniting them to form the message, and she didn't have to piece it all together to find out what was written. There were only three words, just three simple words, whose meaning was huge for her:
"Always and forever."
She felt like crying again, but couldn't, as if there were no more tears in her. She walked to the closet and pulled within one of the bags a jewelry box that she opened on the bed. Inside, hidden in the bottom of the box, was a folded note, the paper has yellowed by time, that she carefully removed from inside. She knew by heart the words that were written there, because she had read them many times over those thirty years.
The first months of their marriage hadn't been exactly as she had imagined. She had always known that Robert didn't love her, but she had given herself up to having his companionship, and had consented to be part of his life even knowing that. But it was much harder than she thought, and there were moments when she felt really lonely and sad.
However, near the end of the first year, she realized that something had changed. Cora couldn't say just when it had begun. It was small things, but for her, used to constantly watch him closely, hadn't gone unnoticed. She wanted so much to believe that that signs were real and not only fruits of her imagination or of her deepest wish that he could to love her in the same way she loved him.
But it was all there, and she could no longer deny. Everything had happened very gradually, but she had finally realized that Robert had changed. It was in the soft glow of his eyes every time she entered a room, in the warmth of his eyes when he sustained her gaze, in that almost imperceptible smile that formed in the corners of his lips when she gave back him a look or when she smiled at him, and in the way his cheeks blushed slightly when she caught him watching her. It was in his smiles, in the way he talked to her, in his touches, in his kisses, and in the intensity and passion of their lovemaking.
She had never been ashamed to clearly express her feelings for him, always hoping that someday he could tell her the words she so desperately wanted to hear. But after some time, she noticed that he seemed to feel uneasy every time she professed her love for him, as if deep in his eyes emerged a shadow of guilt. Then she had simply stopped to tell him she loved him, because she couldn't bear to know that her love for him made him suffer.
Then, slowly, things began to change. And although she felt that everything was better, she always feared that at any moment he returned to be the same distant man, with that shadow of sadness in his eyes that he always tried so hard to hide from her.
One day, in the middle of spring, Robert then had surprised her, inviting her to go to London with him. He had to attend some meetings related to the business of the state, and had already asked to open Grantham House for them.
During the train journey he had told her he had made dinner reservations at the same restaurant they had gone during their honeymoon, the one she had enjoyed so much. And for the first time in a long time, they had spent a special evening together. Even under the candlelight she could see the sparkle in his eyes that made her feel her heart thumping in her chest. He was particularly charming, and seemed unable to move away his eyes off her all night.
When they came back home, they parted with a warm kiss in front of her bedroom door, and she could see the silent promise in his eyes that that special evening was not over yet.
She walked into her bedroom, but before she could call her maid to disrobe her, she saw a note over her vanity, her name written in the unmistakable Robert's handwriting. That was unexpected and she was surprised. So she picked it up and, and while opening it, she tried to figure out how he had put it there without her noticing. She started to read it with a small smile on her lips and her heart pounding heavily inside her chest.
"I was never very good at expressing my feelings, unlike you, who ever so openly said what you felt for me. I must confess that at first the intensity of your feelings frightened me. And then, it haunted me, because I felt as I couldn't reward you completely, not in the way you really deserved it.
I'm sorry I made you suffer during this time that I have been so blind. Because I was blind to everything that was happening to you, and especially I was blind to all that was happening to me.
It took me long for realizing how precious you are to me, how much your presence in my life brought a new meaning to everything. But now I found out the truth so long denied in my heart. And I must tell it to you.
You are my strength. You are the shine in my eyes. You are the air I breathe. You are my beating heart.
Always and forever.
Robert."
She felt tears in her eyes and sat on the edge of the bed, reading and rereading the note countless times. Was that the way he had found to tell her he loved her? Was that the declaration of love which she had dreamed so much? He hadn't told explicitly that he loved her, but if these weren't the words of a man in love, she didn't know what it was.
Sometime after, Cora heard the soft knock on the door that separated his dressing room from her bedroom, and watched as he opened the door slowly. Robert gave her a sheepish look when he saw her sitting there, still fully dressed, with the note still in her hands, and Cora tried to smile at him. They exchanged a long and silent look until he walked up to her and sat in the bed next to her.
"You found the note." He told her, in a whisper, with a coy smile on his lips.
She nodded slowly, her eyes fixed on him, trying to understand exactly what he was trying to tell her. He looked at her, and gently wiped a tear that stubbornly had streamed down her face.
"Cora,..." he said finally, in a very soft voice. "I tried to put into words what my heart feels." He then took her hands in his fondly, caressing them slowly with his thumbs. "But there is something else I need to tell you." He looked at her with intensity, his blue eyes glowing even in the dim light of the room. "I need to tell you some words that wouldn't fit on that piece of paper. Something I think you must to know."
Cora felt as if her heart would stop beating at any moment.
"I love you, Cora. Deeply. With all my heart and with all my soul," he approached her, his lips mere few inches from hers, and she felt the tears coming again. It was finally happening. The only thing she had dreamed all this time had become reality.
"I love you... Always and forever," he finally whispered in her lips, and then kissed her deeply, passionately, as he had never done before. And how he had come to do ever since.
