Dean awoke the next morning with the worst headache he'd ever experienced. It was like the feeling of his most horrific hangover but tenfold and something extra on top he couldn't quite place. All his senses felt numbed and his head felt dense and cloudy as he pulled himself off of the bed. Catching sight of himself in the mirror he noticed his shirt was crumpled and his hair was ruffled and his stomach dropped at the thought that he might've picked up some girl and just couldn't remember. But he swatted away this thought as he never drank on a Monday night or picked up any girls.
Come on, Dean, think, he urged. His thoughts were scattered in an odd order, with pieces missing and other pieces of something he couldn't put into place. It was like someone had skimmed a stone in his mind and every time it touched the surface of the water he'd gain a memory, but the gap in which it bounced was blank and void of anything.
Retracing his memories he thought back to looking for Cas after walking out of math. He cringed slightly at the thought of having to face Mr Masters again but pushed the thought aside for the moment. Suddenly the slightly fuzzy image of finding Cas around the corner of some lockers came into focus and he gasped as he felt like he'd been electrocuted. The spark of his memory springing back to him sent a shockwave through his system and only made his head throb more. His sudden and seemingly-temporary amnesia was more than a little frustrating and Dean opened his door to go and get a drink to clear his head.
As soon as Sam heard the click of Dean's door opening he stormed out into the hall and grabbed his brother by the shoulders, fixing him with a stern look.
"What the hell did you do to Cas?" He demanded and Dean blinked at him.
"I… Wait, what?" He asked and his look of genuine and utter confusion took Sam aback slightly and Dean could never really lie to Sam. Sam had expected guilt or anger or a shrug of indignation and the façade of nonchalance but this threw him. Sam frowned, also confused.
"Dean, he came out of your room last night freaking crying his eyes out, bumped into me and then bolted. I went in and you were totally out of it. I figured you were drunk and had said something stupid or something.." He said, still a little suspicious. Dean's eyes widened in panic.
"What! Well, where did he go? Dude, is he okay? I didn't do anything! I mean, I don't think I did, I can't remember. But I didn't drink anything so I know I can't be hungover but I didn't do anything to upset the dude!" He stumbled on his words, speaking more to himself at the end than Sam as he brought a hand to his head and pushed his fingers into the depths of his hair, clinging on as if causing himself pain would prompt something, a memory maybe.
Another spark. As the pressure of his hand to his head got slightly painful another shockwave much alike to the one he'd received in his room rebounded through his veins and the image of Cas with a guilty look on his face as he stood by Dean's door emerged in his mind's eye. He stared, dumbstruck, as he realised he was pulling his own memories into view. What the hell?!
Sam noticed the change instantly and immediately helped to stabilise his brother as he swayed dangerously on the spot, his eyes distant.
"Dean, you're freaking me out, what the hell's going on?" Sam said, concern tainting his tone as his worried eyes attempted to reconnect with Dean's. Dean finally seemed to regain himself and met Sam's eyes.
"I dunno', Sammy. But I need to find Cas n' make sure he's okay." Sam didn't bother to object as Dean went to get some shoes on and tried to ignore the ever-growing siren effect in his brain as pain ricocheted around his skull.
It was easy to say Dean was freaked out. Not only had he somehow managed to lose his short term memory without the excuse of alcohol or illegal substances, more importantly, from the way Sam had described it, he'd done something to Cas, something really bad, maybe even something he couldn't fix. Sure as hell didn't mean he wasn't going to try. He ignored Sam's gentle reminders that it was a school day and said to say he was ill if anyone asked and prayed Cas was staying at home today, it seemed avoidance was his game plan as of late, after all.
Just as his brother left, Sam slumped on the sofa realising he had about two hours until school started, it was only when he heard the rumble of the Impala that he realised he had no ride to school now.
"Great." He sighed to himself and got out his books to study simply for some form of occupation and distraction from the knowing feeling that something bigger was going on with Castiel than either he or Dean knew or understood.
Dean drove less carefully than Castiel would've approved of had he been riding shotgun over to Cas' part of town. He decided it might be a bad idea to park it near Cas' house and instead dropped Baby off in the library car park a few blocks away and ran the rest of the way, finding it difficult not to act with urgency when Cas could be hating him more with each passing second.
He finally reached Cas' door and didn't bother to take a second to catch his breath, not important, his brain barely registered his staggering breaths as he knocked on the door. It took a while before a grumbling voice appeared from behind the door which turned out to be Gabriel, half-dressed, sleepy eyes and a can of body spray held loosely in his hand.
"Dude, kudos to you for being so psyched for school, but I could seriously kick your ass for this." Gabriel grumbled croakily, his voice surprisingly low and his energy surprisingly low as the time was so early. Dean raised his eyebrows.
"Sorry, man, I just really need to see, Cas." Dean said hurriedly and Gabriel scoffed.
"Psh, hell yeah you do. Sometimes I really wonder what the hell gets him about you, Winchester." Gabriel chuckled absently and Dean frowned, having lost what Gabriel was going on about.
"Right.. Well, yeah, okay…" He said and pushed past Gabriel who suddenly stiffened and grabbed his arm with a shocked expression which he quickly masked with a nervous smirk.
"Gabe, dude, I need to-"
"Yeah, yeah, Cassie, I know. Er… Do me a favour, this spray any good?" He asked quickly and before Dean could even process the question he was being drowned in Gabriel's spray. He coughed and spluttered as he and Gabe were submerged in a gas cloud of sickly sweet body spray.
"Gabe! I feel like I just inhaled a sherbet fountain!" He tried, his throat constricting under the pressure of separating oxygen from sugar in aftershave form. Gabe gave another nervous chuckle which sounded a little strained.
"Good, just checking." Dean narrowed his eyes, still coughing, at the clouded figure in the grand hallway and went to go upstairs before he remembered Sam.
"Shit!" He swore unthinking.
"What's up, candy cane?" Gabe joked, even though he was spluttering slightly now too.
"Yeah, hilarious, jackass. Listen, man, I need to talk to Cas but I forgot Sammy needs a lift, do me a favour, man, pick him up?" Dean asked and Gabriel raised his eyebrows incredulously.
"Let me get this straight, you want me to go, in the car I don't have, and pick up the brother I don't have, for the dude who likes to screw with my brother, who I care about." Gabriel said, a sly look on his face as he realised he had Dean there. Dean growled and pulled out his keys, throwing them to Gabe.
"You like Sam. You know I don't screw with Cas, I'm trying to sort things out. You take my car, library car park, one scratch on my Baby and I will remove your limbs and use your blood for a new paint job, okay, pal?" Dean said sturdily and Gabriel rolled his eyes with a smile on his face as he winked and ran to get ready.
Dean sighed, now on top of his head pounding, his lungs were protesting vigorously as he choked his way upstairs. He wondered if any of Castiel's siblings were around and then remembered the distinct lack of cars in the driveway and realised they must've gone out, maybe to take Michael to the hospital or something.
He made his way round the upstairs hall and reached Cas' door, tapping on it gently when he tried it and the lock refused him entry.
"Cas, it's Dean. Can we talk?" He croaked raggedly. He was greeted with silence and it made him place his head against the door.
"Cas, please. I don't know what's going on. Whatever I've done… At least let me apologise in face to face." He pleaded to the door. Silence.
"Alright, fine." Dean said, resolve in his voice as he walked away from the door.
Castiel lay under his bed, his chest tightening at the sound of Dean's voice at the door when Gabriel opened it. Shortly after he read a text from Gabriel that read:
Want to explain why Dean stinks of your grace? I had to gas the guy just to cover it. We're talking about this later. I'm picking up Sammy for him, fun times ;)
He hated the way his heart jumped at the thought of Dean being marked by his grace. He didn't want to make this into some stupid instinctual territorial thing. Dean didn't belong to him, or anyone for that matter. He had no right. And yet he still felt a primal desire to let his grace overwhelm him and channel it all to Dean, just like he'd done in Dean's room yesterday. He ground his teeth and shook his head trying to clear it and rid himself of the fire in his veins at the mere thought of it.
He lay in silence, fighting his feelings, his instincts, his thoughts, as Dean begged to him through the door. The most painful thing was that Dean was under the impression he'd done something wrong. No doubt from Sam as he'd seen the state Castiel was in last night, he cursed himself yet again for losing control in the first place, then none of this would've happened.
As Dean audibly walked away from the door Castiel exhaled a breath of sad relief and steeled himself so as to not go after him. This is for the best. You'll only hurt him or do something that could get everyone hurt.
Dean was half way up the tree outside Cas' house when his foot slipped from unpractised feet and hurried hands and he fell a few feet, scraping his face as he went before he recovered his footing as took in a deep, shaky breath to steady himself before returning to his climb with more care. He, at last, reached Cas' window which was thankfully at the front of the house, perfectly adjacent to the tree, as if it were planted for the exact desire to be used to sneak out with, even though he knew Cas probably had never used that perfect tool.
He realised his luck was improving as the window was already open wide and it was easy to lower himself inside quietly. Cas' room was empty on first look but Dean knew better than to be disheartened, he was a big brother after all, he knew top hiding places. He slid under the bed next to Castiel, who gasped, wordlessly.
"Dean! How- How did you get in?" Castiel's queried.
"Window." Dean admitted sheepishly, looking at his friend beside him, the refreshing cool of his blue eyes seemed to lure him in like a moth to a flame and he could feel his headache fade into the background as he lost himself in the other boy's healing ocean eyes. Castiel sighed, defeated as he noticed the cut on Dean's face. Without thinking he put his hand to Dean's cheek and Dean, without noticing, leaned into the touch. Castiel noticed. His heart skipped slightly and trembled and he withdrew his hand, making a point not to use his grace to heal Dean's gash.
"You need a band aid." Castiel muttered as he tried to roll out from under the bed but Dean grabbed his arm and tugged, rolling him back under the bed and closer than before.
"Screw the band aid, Cas. What's going on? What did I do? I did something. I know I did. I always do. Whatever it was, man, I'm sorry. You're my best friend and I can't have you hating me, okay? I just can't. I don't know what happened, and I'm kinda' freaked that my head kills like a bitch and I can't remember anything after being in my room like I was drunk off my face. Or maybe you just rufee-d me." He joked on a side note, Castiel smiling despite himself and Dean continued, encouraged.
"Whatever, look, man. Whatever I did, please just… I'm sorry."
"Dean, stop-"
"No, Cas, I need to get this out."
"No, Dean. You didn't do anything wrong. It was me. I mean- I- You have nothing to apologise for." And now, looking ashamed, Castiel did climb out from under the bed and stood up, turning away from Dean as he did the same.
"Cas, please, just freaking tell me what happened, man, you're killing me here!" Dean said, frustration edging into his tone, not specifically at Castiel but at the situation as a whole and his memory, refusing him access to his memories.
"It's not of import." Castiel muttered. Dean growled at his best friend's avoidance and stomped over to him, grabbing his shoulder roughly and forcing him to face him.
"Stow the macho crap, Cas, it doesn't suit you." He snapped and Castiel visibly bared his teeth and shoved Dean away.
"What's done is done, Dean. I'm not some damsel in distress, I can handle myself. I'm just burying my feelings, you should understand that, it being your style after all." He retaliated and hated the look of hurt that flashed on Dean's face before it was replaced with more anger.
"Take as many digs at me as you want, Cas, I can take it. If you'd just tell me what the hell I did then-" Dean shouted, fuming now that he really didn't know what had happened. Castiel snapped. Every inch of his being was screaming at him to tell Dean everything, not just about being angel, about how he felt things for Dean he'd never felt in his life, things he didn't even understand. How he was sorry, sorry he felt the way he did. But he also was angry at Dean. He wanted to shout and scream, demand to know why he wasn't good enough, why he could never just have something he wanted. Something pure, and good. Something Dean. Just this once, why couldn't he have what he wanted? Why couldn't he have Dean?
"It's what you didn't do! It's what you can't do, what you'll never do!" Castiel shouted in Dean's face, tasting his grace again, and then his eyes widened at his own words and he backed off, but Dean just matched him, stepping forward when he stepped back, not giving an inch.
Castiel's heart was pounding as his head span in the sea of grace. Dean's head pounded with his earlier headache and the effort of blood trying desperately to get around his body in the rate his heart was demanding and his pulse ran a marathon, lapping his breath. He grabbed Cas' shoulders frantically, unable to dismiss the ever-present and now building desire to taste Castiel's lips and make out with him until he couldn't breathe and then carry on because, hey, who needs oxygen when you can kiss Cas until you die.
The thoughts were all occurring to him too quickly and he was dizzy and disorientated under the weight of these shattering discoveries. Since when did he think of Cas like that? Since when did not kissing someone make you physically ache. Since when did your heart feel like it was literally leaning forwards, just to get closer to another person? Since when? It was like a rope, or a chain, was suddenly latched onto him, it was pulling at his heart, tearing at his lungs, ripping at his mind. It was overwhelming and terrifying and delicious and painful and wonderful all at once.
"What!? I'll never do what?!" Dean shouted, his hands still clamped down on Cas' arms, leaning over to him, desperate for something but he didn't know what entirely, but he was positive Cas knew and he wasn't telling him. And it made him furious.
Castiel leapt forwards, closing the short distance, wrapping his arms tightly around Dean's neck as he kissed him frantically, pouring in everything he was feeling, his grace, his pain, his guilt, his desire, losing all touch with reality as he explored Dean's lips and Dean reciprocated eagerly, angrily pulling at Castiel's hair dragging him to the bed.
Finally Castiel was showing Dean what he'd been missing, what he'd needed and it was so disgustingly enthralling Dean was furious that Castiel had kept it from him for so long. Now he needed to make up for lost time.
They both collapsed onto the bed, Dean showing his consistency as he yet again climbed over Castiel and kissed him wildly, sending Castiel's heart into a frenzy. Why and how could this ever be wrong?
Dean kissed down his chin and Castiel lifted it as Dean moved lower, giving him more room for exploration. Dean showed his appreciation as he dragged his teeth down the skin of Cas' neck drawing a long moan from Castiel. Castiel flipped them suddenly, unable to help himself as his instincts kicked in and his eyes lit up with grace, which he was somehow aware of. Instead of confusion or fear or anger, Dean smiled at him, as if he knew everything. That he was an angel, that he had grace, all of it. And he didn't mind, no, more than that, he liked it.
Castiel shocked out of his fantasy back into reality, Dean's eyes begging for something he knew he couldn't give. It's not real, Castiel reminded himself, he's just having withdrawal symptoms for the grace, like an addict on a come down, gasping for his next hit.
"Nothing, Dean." He croaked and Dean let out a shout of anger before turning back to Cas, a dangerous look in his eye.
"Right, if you're not going to tell me what happened, I'll have to do it on my own." He said, catching Castiel off guard.
"W-what're you talking about, Dean?" Castiel's eyes narrowed.
"The only way I've managed so far to remember stuff from last night is to hurt myself." He said simply and Castiel comprehended his train of thought just a second too late and couldn't stop Dean as he drew back his hand and slammed it into the hard, expensive metal wardrobe frame and cried out as even Castiel heard a sickening crack.
"Dean!" Castiel cried, a nightmarish scenario playing out in front of him. Dean's eyes zoned out for a few seconds before he snapped back into now and his eyes, alight with adrenaline, zoomed wildly to Cas.
"You said you were going to leave, last night, I mean, you were going to get shipped off somewhere!" Dean announced and Castiel panicked. How in Father's name had Dean managed to recover his memories through pain? He'd never heard of it before.
"I'll do it again, Cas!" Dean threatened, raising his other arm, feeling guilty even using such dirty tactics.
Castiel sank to the floor, a move that surprised Dean as he looked to his friend who was defeated on the ground. His anger dissipated immediately.
"Cas?" He probed gently and Castiel's eyes met his own in a painful moment of clarity and Dean joined him on the floor, they both remained silent and cross-legged as they let their bodily functions return to some form of stability. The minutes dragged on until neither had any idea how long they'd been sat opposite each other.
"There's things about me, Dean. Things you can't know because I just can't tell you. But you have to understand, I want more than anything to tell you everything. Believe it or not this is all to keep you safe." Castiel said quietly. He expected Dean to explode, to talk about how that was utter crap and how it was lie after lie with him. He'd storm out, never want to see him again. And Castiel would let him, because that was the best thing to do, let Dean be safe, even if it meant he'd lose him. But Dean seemed to be determined to be as unpredictable as possible.
It's okay. I get it. I mean… Me too." Castiel lifted his eyes from the floor suddenly, realising he wasn't the only one carrying a burden, even though Dean's couldn't possibly be on the same scale, could it?
"I guess the only consolation I can give you is that if I could tell anyone, it'd be you, man. But I-"
"Can't." Castiel smiled understandingly and the boys sat together, feeling more connected than they had to anyone before, regardless of the fact they were both hiding things from each other, from the world.
"It might be an empty gesture, but, y'know you can tell me anything, Cas." Dean said, his words sincere but accompanied with the knowledge that if Cas' secret was anything like that of being a hunter of supernatural forces, he couldn't. Not that Cas' thing would have anything to do with that, right?
"I'm sorry, Dean."
"No chick flick moments, dude." Dean smirked and Castiel laughed.
"I'm glad we're friends, Dean." He said with a smile. Dean rolled his eyes even though his heart tripped over itself.
"Come on, we are in serious need of a burger." Castiel's eyes lit up as he grinned.
"I love burgers." He stated and Dean burst out laughing.
"No shit, come on, happy meal." And Dean helped Cas to his feet as the pair went downstairs. Letting themselves forget school and life and angels and hunters for a while. Just two friends, having a burger.
A/N: Longest chapter ever to make up for the unforgivable absence. Needed some serious angst and build up for plot, hope it wasn't too much. Have finally laid the foundation for some Sabriel which is guaranteed next chapter by popular demand yay! Holiday next week so more updates hopefully! Please review it helps me so freaking much and is amazing to hear your thoughts and what you want to see in future chapters and stuff. Hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading! Izzie.
