Prentiss
"Shit, shit, shit." I repeated to myself several times as I paced back and forth in the round table room. The others sat at the table, watching me. JJ was the only one who knew why I was so stressed right now. "Shit!" I said louder before sitting down and dropping my head into my hands.
"Mind telling us what's going on?" Morgan asked, breaking the silence coming from the team.
"I thought one kid was going to be hard." I said quietly.
"What?" Garcia gave me a confused look.
"You're having twins?" Reid sat up straighter.
I looked at him. "I'm going to have to resign." I didn't give him an answer, but that one sentence was enough to confirm it for them. "I'll have to work a nine to five job, if I do at all, and have weekends off and live on a schedule and Hotch will leave me because he'll be travelling and I'll be too tired when he's home to communicate or even stay awake with him past nine."
"Okay, stop." JJ stopped me before I could continue.
"Sorry." I said quietly.
"I love when you vent to us; it's so rare." Garcia smirked.
I sighed and sat back, looking at my phone briefly before putting it back down on the table. I wanted to call Hotch and tell him but he said that he would call me, so I didn't know if he was busy right now or not and I didn't want to interrupt him.
"Have you told him?" Rossi asked.
I shook my head, "He said that he'd call me. I figured that meant that he didn't want me to call him."
"So when do you want to go on maternity leave?" He asked.
"I don't." I raised my eyebrows.
"Yeah…you're going to have twins. You're going to be exhausted just carrying them." JJ said.
"And you're going to be massive." Garcia added.
"Oh yeah, that's exactly what I needed to be reminded of. Thanks for that, Penelope."
"I speak the truth, baby."
"Anyway…I don't need time off, Rossi."
"You think Hotch will let you keep working?" Morgan raised his eyebrows at me.
"Well he isn't here, is he?" I looked at him. He looked at Rossi and the other three followed suit. Rossi looked around at them and then his eyes landed on me.
"…I guess I'll call Aaron later?"
"No. He isn't here, it isn't up to him. It's up to you and the last thing you want to do is ruin my life, right?" I smirked.
"Well you still have a few months before we make a decision, but I'll be reducing your field work as much as I possibly can."
"So what am I supposed to do?"
"Work from the station, coordinate with Garcia and help us out from there. Map, read, etcetera."
"…I'm not Reid." My phone rang and I looked at the caller ID. It flashed with Hotch's new temporary personal phone. I bit my lip and looked at JJ. She smiled at me and motioned for me to answer the call.
I stood up and accepted it as I walked towards the door of the room. I was far enough away that they wouldn't hear me speaking before I held the phone to my ear, "Hey." My voice sounded sombre.
"…What's wrong? You sound disappointed, almost sad."
"I don't know how I'm feeling right now."
"So the appointment didn't go well? What happened?"
"The appointment went fine; both seem fine."
"Both?"
"What?"
"You said "both seem fine". Both?"
"Congratulations." I said quietly.
"We're having twins!?"
"That we are. Do you have any twins in your family?"
"I don't think so."
"Must just be chance or age. The chance of twins increases with age."
"…Okay Reid." He laughed. I laughed with him and looked back at the team behind me. They were watching me and talking to each other. I walked to Hotch's office and sat down at his desk. We would probably talk about it for a while.
I took Jack out to eat for dinner tonight and then I took him for ice cream. He told me all about school and all about a girl that he liked. It was adorable, the way he turned red and got all nervous when he talked about her. Her name was Emma, she was shorter than Jack and she had brown hair. That was how he described her initially.
Hotch called me on our way home. It was around 9 or 9:30 pm our time, so it would have been around 5 or 5:30 am his time. It would have been around 1 am where he was earlier today. He spoke with Jack through the Bluetooth as I drove home and I would occasionally contribute to the conversation. Once we got home, I gave Jack my phone and he ran inside ahead of me, still talking to Hotch.
I went inside and fed Sergio and did some paperwork until Jack came down and gave my phone to me, "Dad said it's time for bed." He said as he handed it to me.
I looked at me watch, "It is," I nodded and took the phone, "Why don't you go get ready for bed?"
He nodded and walked away back towards the staircase. I looked at my phone and saw the number tick up by the second, timing the call. I held it to my ear, "Hey." I closed the file over and stood up. I walked around the kitchen for a while, talking to him. I went upstairs to check on Jack and found him asleep in bed. I closed his book and turned his lamp out. Then I went and lay in Hotch's bed, continuing to talk to him until he had to start working on whatever he was doing over there.
Once he hung up, I lay in bed for a while. I didn't feel even the slightest bit tired. I got up and had a long shower, although I think it just woke me up more. I got changed and searched for five minutes before I found one of my two pairs of glasses. I went downstairs and repeated the night that had been living often, drinking coffee into insane hours of the morning and doing paperwork or reading. Sometimes I'd get only a few hours' sleep, sometimes I'd get none. It was terrible and I couldn't keep living on little sleep for much longer while carrying two children, but every night, it was harder and harder to sleep without Hotch at my side or even a fifteen minute drive away.
My phone rang late and I picked it up, thinking it would be Hotch again. When I looked at the number, my hopes dropped. It wasn't his number. "Agent Prentiss." I answered the call.
"Agent Prentiss, this is Robert Farnell. I have been personally asked to contact you on behalf of your father. I am so very sorry Ms Prentiss, but your father has died."
I sat and stared at the blank wall in front of me for a few seconds, shock and sadness overwhelming me immediately. "…What? How? What happened? Where is—was he?"
"Italy. We've confirmed that he committed suicide…overdose. He left a note asking to be buried with his wife and asking that the money he left pays for his funeral and the rest goes to you. I already have someone planning the funeral so you don't have to go through that stress."
"When is it?" I didn't know what else to say.
"Next Thursday at noon. Once again, I am so very sorry for your loss, Agent Prentiss."
"Thank you." I hung up and stared at my phone. Why was this happening to me? My mother died, Hotch wasn't here, I was pregnant with twins and I wasn't there for my father when he needed me. Tears dripped from my eyes and I slid off the desk chair. I dropped to the ground and pulled my knees tightly to my chest as I cried.
I heard urgent knocking on the front door. Jack had come down this morning and saw me in uncontrollable tears. I didn't respond to him; I was zoned out when he talked to me. I must have terrified him. I assumed he'd called someone. Jack stood up from the dining table where he had been watching me from and he ran to the door. A minute passed and JJ walked in quickly, Will and the team behind her.
"Em? Emily, what happened?" JJ ran to me and dropped at my side.
"It…it's my fault." I sobbed. I didn't let myself cry like this in front of them at my mother's funeral, but this was worse, this was self-inflicted and it was caused by me.
"What's your fault, honey?" Garcia asked as she dropped to my other side.
"Jack, do you know how long she's been like this?" Morgan asked quietly. Jack shook his head and sat back at the dining table. He looked upset and helpless.
"Can I call dad?" He asked quietly.
I slid my phone across the floor towards Morgan. He picked it up and looked through the contacts to find Hotch's new number. He gave the phone to Jack and turned his attention back to me.
"The tiles are freezin'; take her to the livin' room, JJ." Will said, his accent thick. JJ nodded and she and Garcia stood up, pulling me with them. They guided me to the living room and made me sit on the couch. Garcia disappeared from my side and Rossi took her place. Reid sat on another couch beside Will, watching me. I dropped to the left into Rossi and he held me to him. He kissed my hair comfortingly and he held me until my tears calmed.
Jack came in and handed the phone to me, "He's worried."
I took a deep breath to try and calm myself more and thanked Jack quietly as I took the phone. I held it to my ear, "I'm fine."
"Jack found you in uncontrollable tears on the dining room floor and you couldn't even speak to him. He thinks you were there for a while and he doesn't think you slept so what happened?"
I sobbed and looked at Jack, "Jack, go back into the other room." I didn't want to say it in front of him. He knew what suicide was, he was 12 after all, but I still didn't want him to hear it. He nodded and walked back to the dining room. Garcia came in and put three coffees down in front of Rossi, JJ and I. Morgan brought the other four in and sat down beside Garcia.
"Please tell me what's going on?" He asked again.
I closed my eyes and looked down, trying to hold it all in and gain my composure back. It didn't work as well as I wanted, but my voice steadied a bit. "My father killed himself…and it was my fault."
"Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry. It wasn't your fault, Emily."
"It was. I'm a profiler for gods' sakes, and I didn't even realise that my own father was going to commit suicide."
"You haven't spoken to him in a while. He didn't answer your calls, remember?"
"I should have known and I should have done something." I sobbed again and Rossi held me tighter. JJ ran her hand up and down my arm comfortingly.
"No Emily, please don't blame yourself for this. Honey, if he wanted your help, he would have answered your calls and texts or he would have called you. He probably already made up his mind. You know that when it gets to that point, nothing will change your mind, not even your own daughter. The ambassador was all he knew, his whole life, and you did everything you possibly could have."
I bit my lip and sniffed, trying to breathe and calm myself down once again.
"Call the team and ask them to come over and keep you company. They'll go and support you at the funeral."
"They're already here; Jack called them before you."
"Well give the phone to Rossi and take a few breathes, okay? Calm down. I love you."
I closed my eyes and another tear rolled slowly, "I love you too," I dropped the phone from my ear and held it to Rossi, "He wants to talk to you."
He took it and squeezed my shoulder as he stood up, "Yeah." He said as he walked out of the room. JJ sat forwards and lifted my coffee. She passed it to me and I took it slowly. I sipped it and stared at the coffee table in front of us.
Morgan stood up and walked to the archway between the living and dining areas. He walked in and then back into the living room where the rest of us were a few seconds later. He looked at me, "You haven't been getting any sleep at all lately, have you?"
I managed to lift my eyes to his, but I didn't say anything. It was probably visible anyway.
"Em, you can't keep bringing the paperwork home if you're going to do it instead of sleeping. You're turning into Hotch."
Rossi came back in and gave my phone back. I threw it onto the coffee table and sipped the coffee again as he sat down next to me. "What can we do?" He asked.
I shook my head, "He already had someone plan the funeral and he paid for it himself. All I have to do is show up." My voice was quiet.
"When is it? I'll get the time off for everyone."
I looked at him and shook my head. I whispered to him, rather than speak for the others to hear, "I can't go."
"Why not?" He waited for me to speak but I didn't. He stood up and pulled me with him, "Come on." I sighed and stood, following him to the entry way. We stood at the base of the stairs and he asked me again, "Why can't you go?"
I bit my lip and looked down. I tapped my foot on the floorboards a few times and closed my eyes, trying to keep it together this time.
"Emily."
"I should have done something."
He shook his head, "This wasn't your fault, Emily, and you know it wasn't. You're upset that he left you and you're upset that he didn't tell you, but he chose this. He wanted to be with your mother."
Tears filled my eyes and I continually blinked them away, "I should have made more time; spent a week or so off after my mothers funeral and spent more time with him. If I had talked to him more, maybe I would have noticed."
"You can't blame yourself," He shook his head, "What you can do is you can go to his funeral and you can remember all the positive things. Don't think about the months following your mother's death; think of him before that."
"It's so much easier said than done."
He nodded, "I know, but you pulled through with your mum; we need you to try and do the same this time around."
"When my mother died, I told Hotch that I have lost people who I was closer to in the past and I would lose people that I would be closer to in the future, but I never expected it to be him. I don't think I can do this much longer; live in a life of danger and death. I can't lose someone else that I love."
He enveloped me into a hug and kissed my cheek, "You're going to get through this, Tesoro."
"Thanks Rossi." I whispered to him quietly.
