Sirius was awoken on Saturday morning by James frantically digging through every article of clothing he had. From the sounds of his swears beyond Sirius' curtain, he was able to discern that his source of distress was a missing shoe, which he may or may not have hidden beneath the wardrobe the night before.
Did he know how childish that was? Sure, of course he did. Did he care? Not in the slightest. He lied against his pillow with his eyes on the ceiling and listened to James rummage through his trunk, beneath his bed, through Remus' trunk and beneath Remus' bed and so on. James reached Sirius' bed and pulled open the curtains.
"What the bloody hell did you do with my shoe, Sirius?" Sirius, judging his anger by the use of his name, reminded himself that James had no evidence whatsoever that he actually had taken the shoe.
"What the hell makes you think I took it, Prongs?" He snapped. "What would I want with your shoe? Oh wait, that's right. It's my Slytherin blood. I just can't help taking things when I see them." The guilt trip worked, and James mumbled something unintelligible before storming off to check the bathroom. His date was in 15 minutes.
Eventually, James found the shoe beneath the wardrobe and after swearing vehemently that he had never taken his shoes off anywhere near there, he grabbed his bag and raced off downstairs to meet Evans in the common room. Sirius set about scowling and Remus, who had been in the shower, came out into the room wearing a towel.
"Did Prongs just come looking for his shoe in bathroom?" He asked, confused.
"Yes." Sirius responded grumpily.
"I think he even checked the toilet," he said in amusement. "Did he find it?"
"Yes," Sirius answered again. "Yes he did." Sensing the tension from his friend, Remus eyed him cautiously and crossed to room to trunk.
"God dammit!" He called out upon opening. "Why the hell would he look through my trunk for his bloody shoe? I just organized this sodding thing!" Sirius didn't reply. "Where was his shoe anyway?"
"Under the wardrobe. Probably got kicked under there." Remus raised his eyes in Sirius' direction but said nothing.
"When are they supposed to be back?" Sirius glared.
"How should I know, Moony? Do I look like I care?" Remus rolled his eyes.
"No," he said sarcastically. "No you don't." Sirius continued glaring and Remus sighed before crossing the room and sitting down beside Sirius on the bed.
"Why are you so unwilling to admit that you have feelings for him?" He asked. Sirius tried to act indignant.
"What are you talking about, Moony? I'm not gay!" Remus sighed again and massaged the back of his neck.
"Look, when you're ready to talk about it I'm all ears, but you're not fooling anybody, Padfoot. You're radiating so much jealously that your eyes may as well be green." He got up and set about locating his socks and Sirius considered this.
His eyes may as well be green; like Evans. Maybe James would like him then. And he was not radiating jealously and there was nothing obvious about his affection for his friend. Remus was just incredibly observant and everyone knew that. Besides if he was being obvious then James would have noticed by now. He paused for a moment.
What if James had noticed? What if he just didn't care? The thought distressed him.
"What are you doing today, Moony?" He asked, hoping that whatever Remus was going to do that day was something with the means to distract him from this.
"Well…" Remus answered, giving Sirius a sympathetic glance. "I was planning on going out by the lake and trying to write my essay. You can come with me if you want." Sirius nodded. Anything to keep his mind off James.
"I'll bring my broom." He said shortly, as he started to pull on some clothes. When appeared decently enough to go out in public, Sirius pulled his broom from beneath the bed and snatched one of the snitches off of James' nightstand. With an added thought he grabbed his bag, stuffed his journal inside and brought that along too.
Sirius followed Remus down the hallways toward the front door in silence, focused instead on the snitch that was fluttering around in his hand. He wondered briefly whether grabbing the snitch had been a bad idea, as it belonged to James and reminded him of James and quite honestly probably wouldn't do much to help keep James from his mind. But when they reached the lake he let the thing go anyway and shot up after it, leaving Remus to work on his essay.
He flew around aimlessly for a while, paying closer attention to his thoughts than the whereabouts of the snitch. He wasn't a horrible seeker. He knew that. Actually, if it weren't for James he might actually be the Gryffindor seeker. But he was a better chaser, he reminded himself as he made a third loop around the tree under which Remus was sitting, and he did the team a service by playing in that position. He caught a glimpse of gold and dove for it before realizing that it had only been the reflection of the buckle on his bag. He grumbled angrily to himself for the mistake.
He wondered what James and Evans were up to downstairs; if they had started kissing yet. If Evans had decided she were done with him or if James would succeed in getting her to agree to another date. He scowled. She didn't deserve him; she didn't even know anything about him. Sirius dove for something again which this time ended up being some poor girl's hairclip, shining in the sun.
Sirius knew everything about James. Everything. And instead of treating him like shit all the time and assuming that he was a piece of scum, Sirius damn well knew everything that was so great about him. He owed his life to him, he thought, finally catching a glimpse of the actual snitch, hovering some feet away. He shot after it and it zipped off over the lake.
He bet that Evans didn't even know that James' favourite subject was transfiguration and that he desperately hated charms even more than he did potions. He wrapped a hand around the snitch and almost toppled off of his broom in the process. He looked down.
Sirius was hovering roughly 50 feet over the surface of the lake, which he could see even from this distance had a very thin layer of ice across pieces of its surface, probably having frozen the night before in the October chill. The snitch fluttered in his hand and he flew higher still until he was hovering about 90 feet from the water.
A fall like that could kill, he reasoned. If the impact didn't, the cold would. He chewed nervously on his lower lip, pondering this. All it would take was a slip of the hand. One moment of clumsiness. It wouldn't take very long, he thought. He was in the middle of the lake. No one could pull him out in time. Besides, the squid would probably get to him even before the cold did. He did a half dive toward the surface, about 20 feet. He wondered what the fall would be like.
Without thinking about what he was doing, Sirius pocketed the still struggling snitch and dove again, this time faster, steeper, straight toward the lake, picking up more and more speed. At the very last possible second, he pulled up again and the tail of his brushed the surface of the water. He balanced there on his broom shaking, and gasping. He dipped his fingers into the shockingly frigid lake. He glanced at the shore and saw the Remus wasn't beneath the tree anymore but was standing angrily at the edge of the water, looking at him. Sirius didn't move right away.
Eventually, though, he had to heed Remus' shouting and he flew slowly back to the shore. He tried to walk past Remus but the boy grabbed his arm, roughly, and spun him around to look him in the eye.
"What the bloody hell was that, Padfoot?!" He asked, furiously. Sirius averted his gaze and shrugged.
"I thought it would be fun," he answered quietly. "I pulled up in time, didn't I?" For a moment Remus watched him as if trying to decide whether or not he believed this.
"You're a bloody idiot!" He snapped. "You and James, always testing your fucking boundaries! I don't know what to do with the two of you! I swear, sometimes I worry one of you are going to kill yourselves in one of your stupid stunts!" That was point, Sirius thought bitterly, as he pulled his arm from Remus' grasp.
"Just go back to your essay, Mooney. I'm fine. I won't do it again. I swear!" He added, after Remus' continued to eye him suspiciously. "I'm going upstairs. It's too bloody cold out here." He turned around and walked away before Remus had a chance to respond. It had been over an hour since they'd left, and James had been on his date with Evans for about two. He was sure to be sucking face with her by now.
He stomped across the grounds, picking up speed. He wasn't sure what he was hurrying to do, but he was in a strong desire to get there.
When he reached the common room, he found it empty, and despite his hopes that James would be back by now, he found the dormitory to be empty as well. He reached his trunk and started to rummage through it, without any real knowledge of what he was looking for. Eventually, he pulled out a silver pocketknife. Determining that this was the object of his search, he flipped it open and stared at the blade. It was his own damn fault that he was in this mess in the first place, he thought. He shouldn't have let himself fancy James to begin with.
He put the knife against his forearm. He was even more stupid to think that anything could come of it. He pressed down on the blade. Nothing would ever happen between the two of them aside from friendship, and he should have known that all along. He sliced cleaning across his forearm and watched as blood began to bead up along the stinging cut. Just like the dive, he didn't really have any idea why he did it, but it felt good.
He picked up the blade and moved it lower down, about a centimetre below the first. He made another cut, this one quicker and deeper than the last. He sighed as he felt some of the tension release itself from his body. He was also stupid, he thought, to spend so much time crying over something he should have been expecting the entire time. He made a third cut, beneath the other two, and revelled in the way that the blade sliced through his skin like butter. He stared at the blood.
His skin was pale, he reasoned. It was only a matter of time before someone noticed the blotchiness of his skin, or the bloodshot lines that stuck in his eyes every time he cried. 4. God forbid it James ever found out… 5. And besides, his time left was James was limited Before long, he and Evans were going to go off on their own, leaving him behind. 6. He should be making the best of his remaining time with the man who saved his life, but here he was, selfish Sirius, crying over a love that never would have been anyway. 7.
The door opened and he froze, grateful for the fact that his curtains were hiding him from view. His arm was bleeding profusely and he noticed for the first time since he started this that there were tears running bitterly down his face. Again. He would have added another cut for this, but he was listening too intently for any signs that he was about to be discovered.
"Who is that?" He asked, doing to best to keep his voice from betraying his current vulnerability. "Mooney?"
"Nah, mate, it's me." Sirius stopped breathing. James was back. He heard foot stepped approaching his bed and he shoved his robe sleeve down over his bleeding arm and jammed the knife beneath the pillow just as his James drew back his curtains. He gripped the cuff of his robe with the ends of his fingers.
"Hey there, Prongs," he answered, in the best attempt at casualty that he could manage. "How was your date?" Sirius felt his heart sink as a beam crossed James' face.
"I'm taking her to Hogsmeade next week," he answered happily. His expression changed. "You haven't been crying, have you Padfoot?" Sirius shook his head and tried to look at James like he was being stupid.
"No, of course not. Allergies. I think one's cat got up here. I've been sneezing all morning." James seemed to accept this. "Congratulations with Evans mate, really."
As Sirius forced a smile, the cuts stung horribly beneath his robe.
