Remus must have sensed that something was off, because when Sirius returned from the bathroom, he was eying him with the intensity of someone trying to cast an extremely complicated spell. Sirius shot daggers back across the classroom, attempting to silently shut him down, but something fluttered in his stomach and he came to realization that this time, he wasn't backing down. He returned to his seat, backing his chair up just enough so that James' profile blocked Remus from his view. He spent the rest of class attempting to ignore his gaze.

Never before had Sirius experienced this level of anxiety. The creature that had been clawing consistently inside his stomach for the last few weeks had spawned extra toes. He couldn't sit still. He was nauseous. He felt the cold clutches of panic beginning to squirm their way up the insides of his body, clamping his throat shut and making it difficult to breathe. Beneath his sleeves, his newly inflicted cuts burned with double the usual intensity as he berated himself over and over and over for being dumb enough to cut himself during class. It was over. His life may as well be over, because later today, James was going to know everything.

It took a great deal of self-composure to avoid giving away his state of panic to the boy sitting beside him. If James was going to find out, Sirius was not about to make it any easier.

Breathe, Sirius. Just breathe. It's going to be okay.

He couldn't believe it. His body felt like it was attempting to ooze its way through his skin. Chewing hard on his lower lip, he opened his journal again. He flipped it to a blank page and stared at it, trying to think of something, anything he might be able to do to keep himself busy. Eventually, he found himself tracing the alphabet, again and again. In cursive, print, and what he viewed as a sloppy attempt at calligraphy. Glancing over at James, who was intently taking notes, he sighed. This was about to be a very long day.

An hour later, when the bell finally rang and Tranfiguration reached its end, Sirius experienced disappointment for the very first time. Usually, the end of class was something of a salvation. Freedom. Especially this class. This time, however, the end of class meant – to him – the end of his secrecy. As he, James, and Remus all exited McGonagall's classroom, he tried to walk as often as possible on the other side of James from Remus. Perhaps, if he didn't give Remus a chance to catch him alone, he could avoid the confrontation that he was so sure was coming.

And yet, Sirius found himself in the dungeons, along with his friends, and no confrontation had been made. In fact, Remus didn't say a word to Sirius about his disappearance during class. Not after Potions, not after Divination, and not even during lunch. Slowly, Sirius felt his insides begin to calm. Maybe, he thought, as the three boys were finishing their meal, he had been wrong about his friend's suspicion. He was being paranoid, after all. Everything was fine.

Just as Sirius was draining the last of pumpkin juice, Evans appeared at James' shoulder from somewhere down the table.

"Are you ready?" Sighing, he recalled the conversation the two of them had had during breakfast. Right, he remembered, the library. James looked around in what appeared to be mild surprise.

"Huh? Oh, right. Yeah, let's go." He pushed himself back from the table, and with a significant look in Sirius's direction, he headed out of the Great Hall, Lily at his side. Sirius watched him go, replaying yesterday's conversation in his mind. It was Remus spoke whom next, breaking him from his reverie.

"Let's take a walk, Padfoot." He said, in a voice that was something other than casual. "I want to talk to you." Sirius felt his stomach plummet so quickly that nearly had the urge to vomit. How could he have forgotten? Of course Remus would wait until James was gone to do this. For a moment, he tried to think an escape. He couldn't.

"I… A walk? Sure. Let's go to the common room." Seeming to sense what Sirius was trying to do, Remus shook his head.

"No, Sirius, it's always crowded during the free period. Let's go to the astronomy tower. No one's ever up there during the day." Sirius shoved his hands inside his pockets. His fingers touched something cold. The pocketknife. He began to fiddle with it inside his robe.

"W-well I'd love to, Remus, but I just remembered that I have some homework to do, and um…" He was cut short by the stern look on Moony's face. He opened his mouth a few times, and then closed it. Finally, he said: "Do I have to?" Remus nodded, gravely, and Sirius sighed, standing up to follow him.

They walked in silence, with Sirius frantically running through possible excuses in his mind. Each was dumber than the last, and as they climbed the stairs to the astronomy tower, he realized that there was probably nothing he could say to Remus that he would believe. He was stuck.

As they reached the top of the tower, Sirius crossed the room to slide down against the cold, stone wall. Remus mimicked him, and it was awhile before either of them spoke.

"Remus, I…" Remus put his hand up, stopping him.

"No, Sirius, just listen. Here's how this is going to work. You and I are going to talk. You are going to be open, and honest, and you will not lie to me. As long as you can do that, I will allow you to decide exactly when and how we are getting James involved." Sirius nodded, taking a heavy gulp. "But," continued Remus, "If you do lie to me, or if you refuse to talk, I will have no choice but to go to James for help. Do you understand?" Sirius tried to answer, but the words were sticking in his throat. He nodded.

"Okay," he managed to croak. Remus smiled.

"Good." He sighed and ran a hand though his hair. "I guess we'll start with this." He captured Sirius's eyes with his own. "Sirius, are you okay?" Sighing, Sirius pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them. He stared for a moment at the cold, stone floor, and slowly, he shook his head.

"No." He answered, quietly. "I'm not." Remus looked him over, sadly.

"For how long?" Sirius looked up, confused.

"How long what?"

"How long have you not been okay, Sirius?" For a time, Sirius was unsure of how to answer.

"I don't know…" He mumbled toward his knees. "A year, I guess. Maybe less." Remus placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. When he spoke, his voice was gentle.

"What happened a year ago?" Sirius pulled a tighter grip around his knees.

"You know that, already, Remus." Remus wouldn't break his gaze, his eyes boring in to the side of Sirius's face.

"I need you to say it." Angrily, he snapped his head up to look toward his friend.

"Why?" He snapped, nearly yelling. "Why do I need to say it?" If Remus had been bothered by his tone, he didn't let it show.

"Because it's important for you to admit to yourself, Sirius. You need to say it." Inside Sirius, his blood began to boil. Admit it? He had admitted it. A very long time ago, in his diary. He wrote about it all the time. How dare Remus act as though he were in denial?

"I have admitted it, thank you." He answered coldly. "But thanks for your concern." Remus sighed, and Sirius watched as he removed his hand from his shoulder, and brought it up to rub at the bridge of his nose, as though he had a headache.

"Sirius, please. Remember our agreement. I need you to cooperate with me." Sirius returned his gaze the floor below. He wasn't able to think of a rebuttal.

"Fine." He clipped. "You want to me to say it? I'll say it." He looked up and glared toward Remus. "I'm in love with James." Remus smiled at him sadly, and Sirius felt his anger begin to dissolve. A horrid, heavy sadness began to settle in its place.

"Thank you." Answered Remus, softly. "You have no idea how difficult it's been, watching you fall apart and knowing that you'd never let me in. Now you've said it, maybe I can help." While guilty about the fact that his behavior had hurt his friend, Sirius simply couldn't see how Remus could do anything to help him. For a few minutes, they were quiet.

"What happened, yesterday?" Remus finally asked, breaking into the silence. "You seemed so happy this morning, and now…"

"It doesn't matter," mumbled Sirius. "You were right after all. This morning, I mean," he added when he saw his friend's confusion. "I shouldn't get my hopes up."

"Just tell me, Sirius. Tell me what happened." Sighing, and looking out at the cold gray sky, Sirius recounted the events of the day before.

"It was wonderful, Moony." He answered in a quiet voice. "We went out, we played Quidditch, like always, and then we just laid there in the grass and talked…" He was quiet for a moment. "He told me I'm the only one in the whole world that really knows him, and… and he talked about how he and Lily just aren't… connecting. And he played with my hair, Moony; he's never done that before." He took a deep, steadying breath before continuing. "I was so, so happy. Happier than I've ever been. But then, this morning… you reminded me of something very important." He leaned his head back; rested it against the wall behind him. "I'm gay." He said, simply. "James isn't."

"He played with your hair?" Answered Remus, in a tone of surprise. Sirius nodded, and closed his eyes against the familiar sing that had gathered there. "I don't know, Sirius, just because he isn't gay doesn't mean that's he's completely straight." Sirius opened his eyes; glared at Remus.

"Don't do that, Remus." He answered, flatly, an irrational anger beginning to build inside his chest. "Don't fucking do that! I know you want to help me, but nothing good is going to come out of building me up just so I can torn back down the moment James says that he isn't gay!" He was breathing heavy, and Remus pulled away in alarm. "I can barely handle this as it is now!"

"Okay, okay," Remus answered in a deescalating sort of tone. "I'm sorry. I was just surprised to hear that because…" He trailed off and didn't finish. Sirius broke his gaze, and turned to glare toward the sky. Sirius could tell that this conversation wasn't over. He was waiting for Remus to finally bring up the real reason they were here.

"Sirius?" Asked Remus, a few minutes later. "Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?" Sirius squirmed, uncomfortably. He shook his head.

"Alright," said Remus, a slight irritation seeping into his tone. "Let's try this…" he paused. "During class today, before you left for the bathroom, I saw you slip something into your pocket. What was it?" Suddenly hot, Sirius stuffed his face into his knees. He shook his head.

"Nothing." He mumbled. "It doesn't matter."

"Sirius," pressed Remus. "I need honesty, here." Sirius swallowed, heavily. He picked up his head, looked Remus in the eye, and opened his mouth to respond. Nothing came out. Remus was chewing on his lower lip in apparent thought. He looked his friend over with what Sirius could only identify as pity, and said,

"Do you still have it? In your pocket?" Looking away from him, Sirius nodded in affirmative. "Well," continued Remus. "Maybe it would be easier if you just showed it to me." Slowly, and knowing that he had no other option, Sirius reached into his robe pocket, and pulled out his shining, silver pocketknife. Avoiding eye contact, he handed it to Remus. Remus eyed the knife as though it were confirmation of his deepest fear.

"Sirius," He said, in a very gentle, yet very determined tone. "I'm going to need you to roll up your sleeves." Finally granting eye contact, Sirius felt a lump begin forming in his throat.

"Remus, please…" The other boy refused to falter. With shaking hands, Sirius pulled up sleeves, and exposed his bare, lacerated flesh to his friend. A moment later, he tried to pull them down again, but Remus captured his left wrist and pulled his arm toward his face.

Sirius had never, ever, felt more horrible than he did now. He watched in silent helplessness as he allowed Moony to comb over every cut, every scar on his pale, veiny forearm. He was still chewing on his lip, distress and pain written across his face. Slowly, a single tear cut a path across his cheek, and Sirius considered, briefly, the possibility of throwing himself from the tower.

"Has this been going on the entire time?" Remus asked, finally breaking the dreadful silence that had encased the two of them.

"No!" Sirius assured him, quickly. "Only the last few weeks." Remus released his arm, and Sirius shook the sleeve back down.

"When?" Sirius wrapped his arms around himself, feeling guilty.

"You remember when we went out to the lake? And you were working on your essay?" He saw the color drain from Moony's face.

"Before?" Sirius shook his head.

"No… I… I did it when I back… I didn't mean to!" He insisted, because Remus looked like he was about to cry. "It just happened." There was no response. "It wasn't your fault, Moony, I promise. I… I would've done it eventually anyway.

"During class?" Remus finally asked, his voice just barely audible. "This morning?" Sirius nodded.

"Yeah…" He whispered. "Yeah, I did it during class today." Remus suddenly quiet, words began to pour from Sirius before he was able to stop them. "Look, Remus, I had to. Everything was just building and building and… and it was either cut myself or start crying in front of everybody. I'm sorry." Remus still refused to speak. "Look, even if I'd admitted all this to you a year ago, this was bound to happen. You can't blame yourself." Sirius sat, looking desperately toward his friend. More than anything, he wanted to Remus to recognize that this wasn't his fault.

"Okay." Remus finally answered. "Alright, fine. I'll try not to blame myself." Again, the two boys sat in silence. Inside, something began to nag at Sirius. Something that, no matter how much he tried to oppress it, he wasn't able to make go away.

"Moony?" He asked, softly.

"Yes, Padfoot?" Responded Remus.

"Th-this morning you told me that… that you wanted me to tell you if things started getting bad…" Remus snapped to attention, eyebrows raised, as though he couldn't see how this wasn't already bad, and Sirius nearly lost his nerve. He took a deep breath. "There's something else I need to tell you…"

"Go ahead, Sirius." Remus told him, moving a little closer. "What's wrong?" Sirius felt his lower lip tremble, slightly, and he bit down to keep it still. The lump had grown so big, he found it hard to talk.

"W-when I was at the lake. A-and I dove toward the water…" A dark expression passed over Remus's face. Sirius scrambled. "Look, I don't think I'll do it, but… It wasn't a Quidditch stunt, I… I wanted to see what it might feel like to fall." He followed Remus's eyes to the edge of the tower. "I'm sorry," he whispered, the tears finally breaking free and running down his cheeks. "I know you must hate me." He sniffed, and wiped his face, but the tears continued to run.

Instead of replying, Remus slid across the tower floor and closed the gap between them. Without a word, he wrapped an arm around Sirius's shoulders and pulled him into a very tight hug. This proved to be too much Sirius, who collapsed into the hug and began to sob, unchecked, into his shoulder.

"It's gonna be alright," Said Remus softly. "It's alright. At least now, you aren't alone."

They stayed that way for a long time, as Sirius tried – desperately – to believe what Remus had to say.

Author's Note: Hey guys! It's been 3 years since this story has been updated. I haven't been doing much fanfiction, lately, as I'm working on an original piece. I'm sure no one's even reading this anymore, but I owe to myself to finish what I start, so here you go!