Free period was drawing to a close. Out on the grounds, Sirius could hear rustling as students began to file out of their respective leisure areas and make the trek toward various corners of the castle. He had stopped crying and was sitting – quite calmly – alongside Remus, staring out at the cool, gray, autumn sky. He would probably never admit aloud, but he was experiencing a feeling of immense relief, having finally shared his turmoil with another human being. Beside him, Remus stretched.
"Well," He began, sounding both regretful and a little bit hesitating "we'll need to be getting to class soon." Sirius nodded, rubbing at his swollen eyes.
"Yeah, we will." Remus watched him, momentarily, as if he were trying to figure out some kind of very complicated puzzle.
"Are you going to be alright?" He asked. Sirius shrugged.
"Maybe." He answered. "I don't know right now." He tried not to notice the sad look that crossed Remus's face with this confession, and began to pull himself to his feet. It was not easy work. Remus sighed, himself standing, and said:
"Well… At the very least, I know what's going on now. Mind you, I might be a little overbearing from now on. I'm not so keen on the idea of leaving you alone." Privately, Sirius agreed, but he didn't say so.
The pair had begun their long hike down the spiral stairs of the tower. Both of them, perhaps, grateful for the fact that they had only one more lesson for the day.
"Moony," asked Sirius as they had cleared the top two floors, "you're not going to tell James about this, are you?" Remus frowned, appearing conflicted.
"Well… no, Sirius." He caught the look of relief on Sirius's face and scrambled to continue. "But that doesn't mean he isn't going to know." He sighed. "Look. I know things are weird right now between you and him, but he cares about you just as much as I do. I don't think it's fair for you to keep something this important from one of your best friends." A hot surge of anger and betrayal coursed through Sirius with this.
"But… You said I would get to decide, Remus!" Remus nodded, petulantly.
"Yeah, I did. I said you got to decide how and when James was involved. That doesn't mean he won't be involved. Look, Sirius, I'm not saying you've got to tell him you're in love with him or anything. Just… at least grant him the decency of knowing that you're not okay, but you're working on it. You can't keep lying to him and acting like there's nothing wrong. He knows better, Sirius, and he's just as worried as I am!" Sirius opened his mouth to retort, but thought better of it. As much as he might hate it, Remus had a point.
"Fine." He settled for saying, eventually. "I'll talk to him tonight. But it's a need-to-know basis. I'm not telling him everything." Seeming satisfied by this response, Remus nodded. They were beginning to approach the bottom of the stairs. Slightly ahead of him, Remus stopped, and Sirius nearly ran headlong into his back.
"I almost forgot." Said Remus, turning back toward Sirius. He held out a hand. "I'm taking your pocketknife." Sirius took two steps backwards.
"What? No, Remus, I'm not stopping." As if to emphasize his point, he plunged his hand into his robe pocket and clutched the knife inside his fingers. Incredulous, Remus's eyes opened wide. A vein in his neck began to bulge, slightly, and Sirius wasn't sure whether he was angry or dumbfounded with this response.
"What the fuck do you mean you're not stopping, Sirius?" He growled, abandoning pretense for the first time and allowing impatience to seep into his voice. "You've just finished telling me you're suicidal!"
"Yeah," responded Sirius, beginning to raise his voice. He yanked a sleeve up and shoved his arm toward Remus's face. "And none of these are suicide attempts!" He pulled the sleeve back down. "As a matter of fact, doing it calms me down enough that I don't want to throw myself off that tower!" Remus winced, and Sirius felt a hint of guilt. He shook his head. "You don't understand."
He shoved past his friend and began to stomp off down the corridor. Classes started in a few minutes, anyway, and there was no way that goody-two-shoes Remus would risk being late to class just so he could fight with Sirius.
"Sirius, stop!" Barked Remus's stern voice from behind him. Several students stopped and turned around, intrigued by the commotion. Not wanting to draw any further attention to himself, Sirius froze. Remus ran a few paces, caught up to him, and grabbed him by the arm.
"Ow!" Said Sirius, loudly. "You're hurting me!" Ignoring him, Remus dragged Sirius into a disused classroom and closed the door behind them." When he spoke, his voice was soft, but shook slightly, as if he were making an effort to keep himself from yelling.
"Sirius, you're acting like a child. Cutting yourself is simply not an appropriate coping mechanism, and you've granted me no other option than to offer you an ultimatum. Either you stop this, or I'm telling James."
"You know what? Fine!" Roared Sirius, irrationally. "My mistake for thinking you understood!" He yanked his sleeves up again. "You want to check to see whether I've done it in the last 10 minutes? I haven't. Not that you'd listen, anyway!" There was a hurt expression on Remus's face, but Sirius was too upset to care.
"Sirius, please stop yelling." Said Remus, who – as Sirius was getting louder – seemed to be getting quieter. "I'm just trying to be a friend to you. You know as well as I do that James would be doing the exact same thing right now. I need the knife. I'll check your arms in the mornings to make sure you've stopped." Angry tears began to well in Sirius's eyes. He wanted nothing more than to continue shouting, but he had nothing to say. Silently, he pulled the knife from his pocket, threw it at Remus, and stormed from the room. He knocked a desk over along the way, and slammed the door shut behind him, leaving Remus standing alone in the dark.
A pair of first years were frozen, startled, in the middle of the corridor. They stared up at Sirius's enraged expression, and took a few steps backwards as he moved toward them.
"What the fuck are you looking at?" He barked. "Get out of here!" As the first years scurried away, he heard Remus opening the door behind him. Not wanting to have anything else to do with this dreadful interaction, he marched away before he could say anything.
Going to class the very last thing in his mind, Sirius headed down the hall and up the stairs, toward Gryffindor tower. Since the rest of the Gryffindors had all left for lessons, he was sure this would grant him some form of privacy. After checking twice that he was not, indeed, being followed, he entered the calm haven of the dormitory. He sat down, heavily, on the side of his bed, and tried to settle the rage within his stomach. Breathing heavily, he ran his hands through the curls in his hair, getting his fingers caught and pulling. Angry tears had begun to run down his cheeks.
Stop, Sirius. Just breathe. It's okay.
But it wasn't.
He pulled his robe sleeves up and stared down at the marks he'd placed there. This was it, he thought. It was over.
Or was it?
An idea had popped into Sirius's head, and just as quickly, his anger began to dissipate. In haste, he got up off the bed and grabbed his bag from the floor. After some digging, he found what he was looking for, and with a small sound of triumph, he pulled the item from the depths of the leather messenger.
His potions knife.
Remus may be checking his arms and wrists from here on out, but he, Sirius, had more than just a pair of arms, didn't he? Grinning with his own genius, he shrugged the robe from his shoulders, pulled his vest up over his head, and began to unbutton his shirt. This may take more effort, but at least this way, he had more control.
Now shirtless, Sirius sat on the side of bed and – using the delightfully sharp potions scalpel – began to carve line after line into the thick flesh on his shoulder. This required a little more pressure, he discovered, in order to make it bleed, yet the clean smooth slice offered the same familiar release. He added more cuts than he would normally half, mostly out of spite toward his friend. Remus didn't get it. It wasn't really his fault, but Sirius couldn't possibly expect him understand.
When Sirius began to feel adequately calm, he wiped the blood from his arm and pulled his uniform back on over the damage. He felt much better now. Less angry with Remus, who had his heart in the wrong place, but confused as to meaning of his self-harm. He glanced up at the clock and considered going back to class. He should, really. But did he really want to?
Before he was able to come up with an answer to this question, however, the door the dormitory opened, and Sirius jumped. He panicked, briefly, before remember that all evidence had already been hidden away. He was safe.
"Sirius?" Said a surprised voice from the doorway. Sirius, who had been expecting Remus coming to check up on him, was startled to see that it was actually James who popped his head through the door.
"James!" He exclaimed, his voice a higher pitch than usual. "Why aren't you in class?" Wearing a bewildered expression, James crossed the threshold of the room and stood in the middle of the floor, staring at Sirius's position on his bed.
"I could ask you the same thing, Padfoot." He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. "Actually I wanted to talk to you." Sirius slid over, motioning for James to join him on the edge of the mattress. James sat, appraising his appearance. "Are you alright? You look like you've been crying." Sirius opened his mouth, about to say yes out of habit, when he remembered his conversation with Remus. He closed it again, and spent a moment searching for the words.
"Well… let's get into that in a moment. What did you want to talk about?" James sighed, and stared down at the carpet beneath their feet.
"I ended it with Lily today." He said, finally.
"Oh." Said Sirius, making an effort to his excitement. "Wasn't working?" James sighed again and shook his head.
"You really got into my head, you know?" He continued. "You were right," he said, seeing Sirius's look of confusion. "I should only be with someone if they like me for me and… I kept having to change my personality in order to keep her happy. Besides," he added, turning pink and looking guilty, "I may have made a few comments about Snape that she wasn't particularly happy about." The two laughed, leaving Sirius feeling lighter than he had all day. A comfortable silence surrounded them for a second before James spoke again. "I want to find someone that lets me be exactly who I am. Not someone I've spent six years idealizing."
"Someone like me," teased Sirius. He berated himself for it, inwardly. For some reason, James turned a little pinker with this and said:
"Exactly." The heavy, dreadful feeling returned to Sirius's stomach. Why was he torturing himself by leading this conversation in this direction? He stared intently into the side of his friend's face, using every amount of will power he had to keep from reaching out and touching. Beneath his clothes, his shoulder stung. He zeroed in on the sting, keeping himself in line. "Anyway," said James, after a while, "what's wrong?" This time, it was Sirius who sighed.
"I don't know, Prongs… Look… I need you to promise not to freak on me." Now appearing alarmed, James nodded in hesitation.
"Okay…" He answered slowly. "I promise. Just tell me what's going on." Sirius wrapped his arms around himself, tightly.
"Look… I still can't tell you everything. But… you deserve know what's happening." He sat in silence, waiting for the words to find him. "You asked if I'm okay," he said finally, "and the answer to that is… no. I'm not okay. I have been crying. And not just today." James looked him over, sadly.
"There was no cat up here that day, was there?" Sighing again, Sirius shook his head.
"No." He swallowed against a sudden tightness in his throat. He had to be done crying today. "I'm not doing good, Prongs." He continued roughly. "I-I'm working on it. I know I've got you, and I've got Moony, and I'm working on it."
"Can't you just tell me what's wrong?" Asked James, distressed. Sirius shook his head again.
"No. Not yet. One day, but not now. I just… I need you to be there for me. And if I start freaking out, just… just be there. Without asking questions." Although it was clear he didn't like it, James nodded his head in agreement.
"Alright, Padfoot. I'll try." Sirius nodded, and shifted around uncomfortably.
"And, well… I guess since Remus knows, it's only fair for you to know too." He took a deep breath, and tried to avoid eye contact with James, who seemed to be holding his. "For the last few weeks… I've been thinking a little about… well… suicide." The effect on James was instantaneous. He took a sharp inhale. What color had been left in his cheeks drained, completely, and he opened and closed his mouth a few times before speaking.
"Padfoot… please… you… you can't…" His voice broke. Sirius watched as tears began to gather in his eyes and had to fight crying himself.
"I don't think I'm going to go through with it!" He said quickly. "But you have a right to know." He looked down and saw, with mild surprise, that James's hands were shaking rather violently.
"You don't understand, Padfoot," continued James, sounding desperate. "I can't lose you, or Moony, but especially you. I… I need you." He seemed to be gasping for breath. James stood up. "You're my best friend, Padfoot. You can't disappear on me. Please." He had started crying. In solidarity, tears had begun to stream down Sirius's face as well.
"You…" Sirius stammered, "You promised you wouldn't freak out."
"How can I not freak out, Sirius?" Answered James, loudly. "You've just told me you want to kill yourself!" Sirius recoiled, slightly.
"You're… you're not angry with me, are you?" Seeming to realize how his behavior was coming off, James lowered his voice.
"No…" He nearly whispered, sitting back down on the bed. "I'm not angry, Sirius, I'm scared. I'm terrified. I don't want to lose the one person in this world who knows me better than I know myself."
"I'm sorry." Murmured Sirius, staring at the ground. "I'm trying." Wiping the tears from his face James reached out and – for the second time – began to play with a strand of his hair.
"Don't apologize." He said gently. "Just tell me how to make it better."
