"Rape is worse than murder, because everyday a woman lives after the fact, she dies more and more." ~Unknown

When my body is shaken awake by nightmares, I find myself still in the pool of blood from yesterday. My body aches from sleeping on the concrete floors, and everything is sore.

I slowly recall what happened and how Snow... Oh my god, Snow raped me.

I stand but it is excruciating. I hear my bones pop as I move, and my muscles contract awkwardly as I stand.

I look around the dim room and see a lone mirror standing on the wall opposite me. My head throbs as I near it. I suddenly feel dizzy as my eyes gaze upon my reflection.

I am beyond thin, I look emaciated. My torn, blood stained dress hangs lifelessly on my bony frame. My cheeks are gaunt and thin, my arms hang to my sides without muscles. My legs are bones which I stand upon.

My eyes look as defeated as I feel. Blood still cakes to my skin. I can see distinct purple and blue bruises remain from yesterdays events. I can also see cuts in my arms from my struggle.

I'm sure without this dress every bone in my body would be visible to the naked eye.

It is then I realize that I haven't eaten food since I was in the arena. I've been under the knife so much they have just been pumping nutrients into my system.

I'm a walking corpse for this sick twisted excuse for a man. I allow tears to fall down my face.

I'm allowed to cry, I've been beaten, battered, abused, even raped. I have earned the right to cry.

I fall to my bony bruised knees and tremble in my own arms.

I hear the door open and I flinch in fear. "Morning my Little Lamb." I sit up and look at Snow.

My breath becomes ragged and my body switches into instinct, "Come now Little Lamb, you can't possible have any fight left in you." He's right I have nothing.

I sit back on my heels. He grabs my arm and throws me into the boxed area that confined me to my pervious torture.

"You will remain in that spot." He scolds before squatting to my level. "I have some very exciting news for you my Little Lamb. The first being that you have a whole line of people just waiting to pay for some time with you."

I look at him in disgust, "So this is your plan? To sell me as a prostitute?"

"Very good my dear." He snickers, "Now let me finish." He throws pills down my throat and forces me to swallow them. "I've just given you enough sustenance for today. Why waste time eating when a few pills will do the trick?"

I cough a little before he speaks again, "Yet more good news my Little Lamb. It seems you're pregnant."

My eyes grow, I can't be pregnant, not after one time, not with Snows child. He shoves more pills down my throat, "And now you're not." He says as my abdomen burns. "Isn't it wonderful what scientists can come up with?"

I feel blood oozing onto my legs, I can only question if any of this is real.

"Now I must inform you that your clientele will not enjoy the screams that I endured yesterday, so my scientist have gladly given me these." He shows me medical syringes filled with some clear serum. "This won't make you enjoy it anymore, but it will certainly make them believe you're enjoying it." He shoves the syringe into my right arm.

I only gasp in shock, not in pain.

"Have fun my dear." He leaves then. My arms and legs are strapped to the wall again. A man walks in he is tall and muscularly built. He looks like he could break me very easily.

I close my eyes tightly, fear courses through my veins as his lips meet mine.

I understand now what Snow has done. This serum makes my skin so alert that every time this man moves inside me, every touch of his hand makes my skin electrify. I moan and gasp with every touch.

His hideous grunting makes me yearn to leave a red mark across his face, his huge hands make me jump and groan against him.

This hell I've been condemned to... Cannot be much worse. Once this man has finished and he leaves me alone I can think.

I am to sleep with any man who meets Snows price. With the blood that still surrounds my feet I make two lines on the wall next to me.

Before long another man enters, I use the serum Snow left me and he gets exactly what he paid for. I make noise and move with his hands. He's indulging his thirst for sex. I am simply the middle man for this wish.


I cannot be certain just how many days have passed. But I am certain of a few things.

One, the people of the Capitol do not care who they are fucking or what she looks like, just so long as they have someone to curve their craving for human reproduction they have no preference.

Two, the higher up the Capitol citizen the harder and quicker they go. I bleed the most with them.

Three, Peacekeepers get to fuck me for half off. At least that must be it because I have seen so many of them.

Four, one Peacekeeper named Bruce is the kindest and the gentlest. He apologizes to me and tells me I do not deserve this. Yet he still rapes me. It's almost like being a kind slave owner, you are a kind person, and you are gracious with your slaves, but you still own a slave. But what do I know? I'm just the Capitol's prostitute.

Five, I have had sex with fifty-seven different men.

Six, I have been raped one hundred and sixty-one times during my captivity.

Seven, everyday Snow shoves pills down my throat for nutrition (and abortions just in case.)

Eight, I don't sleep anymore I simply stare at the ceiling.

Nine, the serum Snow makes me use for each client has tracker-jacker venom in it. I know this because of the distorted images after sex.

Ten, everyone I have ever met in my entire life is trying to kill me. They all want me dead and I'll do the same to them.

Eleven, people in the Capitol have surgery to look like tributes in different games, and sometimes they look like people from their choice district.

Twelve, I'm going to kill myself as soon as I can.

The moment Snow has injected me with more venom and leaves something strange occurs. A woman enters the room.

She is all gold, gold hair, gold skin, gold clothes, the whole nine yards.

She does not immediately near me. She strips down in front of me. She lets her hair fall freely down her back and then she nears me.

"Show me what a girl on fire can do." She says. Her gold lips reach mine, her manicured hand traces my face.

I'm petrified at this, I have never had a woman come in here and...

She takes her hand and pulls mine off the wall. She moves my fingers inside of her.

I make sounds of pleasure though I feel anything but. She moves my hand for me to give herself maximum pleasure.

I feel so repulsed and hateful towards this woman and these people.

She moves my hand around inside of her still kissing me and managing to claw at my breasts.

When my hand becomes my own again and she leaves me alone, I look over at the syringes. They are so tempting I could just simply reach over and use all of them. I could pump my blood with eight of them in one go and be done with this life. But would that even kill me?

Just as I reach for the next syringe another strange occurrence comes. Six men at once. Could I really handle rape from six men at once?

I take six syringes and allow each one of them to use my body.

Six men. That's how many men I can take at one time. Six.

They take turns and jeer at me as if I'm a caged tiger. They slip inside me, they breathe heavily with each movement. Each one of them goes harder than the last, each of them make me bleed, and each of them manage to get semen and blood to surround me.

I am half awake for the sex but I can feel them as the tracker-jacker venom pumps through me. I can feel them move my body with theirs I can feel their skin touch mine. I scream and groan which entertains them greatly.

I only know the shear hate I feel for them as I lay in my half awake half asleep state I dream of killing. Killing just seems so incredibly easy now.

What I would do to see someone else's blood pour out of their body cavity. What I would do to see someone else's life sucked out of them. That would be the day.

The day someone else is barely holding onto life, not having eaten food in months. I want to see someone suffer as I have, raped by countless men. My dreams are filled with killing and other's blood spilling out and I have not been so satisfied since... I don't know when.


Too many days have passed, too many days of me crying alone, too many days of rape now by men and women, as well as large groups. I want to die, I want nothing more than to die.

Everyday Snow comes into my cell feeds me pills for nutrition and abortions, everyday men and women alike use my body as a sex toy. I can't stand it anymore!

I want to die more than I want to do anything else. I sit in an eternal pool of blood both dried and new. I sit in my own feces and wait for the day I die.

What is life if there is no purpose?

I sit and wait eagerly to die. Dying will be easy, dying will be the best part of my life.

I have, however, learned to bear with the pain of living. I now cut myself with the empty syringes to occupy my time.

Once I've run out of room on my arms, I move on to my stomach since no one bothers to touch that. My ankles are always next.

After that I have nothing left to cut but my thighs and I'm hesitant to do so most times because people touch them when they rape me. But some days I can't stop myself and I have to cut. Those are the worst days, when my blood boils so much, when I want to kill so bad I have to cut my thighs to bring my temper down.

Another thing about the serum I use, it heals open wounds so I always have a fresh canvas to cut. Bruises, however, remain.

I've become numb and limp. I am useless, I am broken, I am not the girl on fire. I am not the Mockingjay, or the face of the rebellion. I am not anyone's precious hope. Fuck hope! It is only a figment, hope is not real it is a state of mind for the pathetic. Hope helps no one. Hope is only for people who have something to lose. Hope does not exist inside these walls. Hope does not exist, for I have nothing left to give.

Fuck hope, fuck life, fuck the world. I only have one hope, and that is to die before the next day comes.


Snow has just left my cell, He doesn't give me the serum anymore. I take it on my own.

I sit and wait for a while. I'm alone and that never happens.

Finally the door opens and two men stand in the door.

"Only two this time?" I ask in a defeated voice. I reach over and pull out two syringes.

"Katniss? What are you doing?" I hear a frantic voice ask.

I haven't heard my name used in what must be months. I still plunge the serum into my arm.

The restraints haven't been used yet. Why? Do they trust me to not move while I'm being fucked?

The two men pick me up which is more painful than I can tolerate. I scream in agony though it still comes out as pleasure.

"We have her?" I hear one of them say. "Move out!"

My world is spinning, I am being jostled in this man's arms. I still gasp and moan as if he is pleasuring me.

I would ask what is happening but I cannot. I hear so much shouting now it drowns out the sounds of sexual pleasure that escape my mouth.

I squirm in this mans arms as my skin crawls with the electricity this serum gives.

I dare not open my eyes. I'm too afraid of what is happening. Maybe I'm being led to my next torture, maybe I'm going to finally die.

I fear the unknown and maybe more than that I fear this occurrence to be in favor of my life.

"She had a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach, like when you're swimming and you want to put your feet down on something solid, but the water's deeper than you think and there's nothing there" ~ Julia Gregson

"He didn't know if that was really true or not, but he discovered something which was tremendously liberating: he didn't care. He was very tired of thinking and thinking and still not knowing. He was also tired of being frightened, like a man who has entered a cave on a lark and now begins to suspect he is lost" ~Stephen King