"Time heals all wounds"
The next day Haymitch returns to my bed but this time he brings something I haven't seen in months. Food.
"On doctors orders of course" He says setting the tray in front of me. "I'm not allowed to leave until all of it's gone."
I look down at it almost unsure of what to do with it. He takes off one of my cuffs while I observe it.
"Well go on." He says. I pick up the roll and nibble on it.
"I can't believe this rebellion is real." I say.
"Believe it sweetheart,"
"Why didn't I know anything?" I ask.
"Because it was all so complicated and you were a prominent figure-head for us."
"A figure-head?"
"Yes" He says. I'm full after half of the roll is gone. I put it back on the tray and look at Haymitch. "The boy wanted me to make sure you enjoyed that sweetheart."
"Huh?"
"Peeta, he's a real mess because of all of this."
"Like I'm not?"
"I never said you weren't. Go on kid I don't plan on spending all day with you just chit-chatting" To appease him I pick up the spoon and start swirling it in the soup.
"Is Johanna okay?"
"Are you sure you're ready to hear about her?"
"I want to know if they did the same things to her." I say.
"... After... After she watched you get whipped she was convinced you were dead. They started water torture on her."
"Water torture?"
He nods, "The put her half way in and shocked her with electricity."
"Was that it?" I ask slightly angered.
"Yeah." He says.
I sip a bit of soup but instantly feel sick. I put the spoon down and grimace slightly.
"What's wrong kid?" He asks in a condescending way.
"I can't remember." I shudder.
"What?"
"I can't remember the last time I ate." His face turns from humor to dismay for the circumstances.
"Can you tell me anything about what happened?"
I want to shake my head no but I do remember, I remember everything too much for my liking. "I could tell you. I remember what happened to me. But I certainly don't want to." I say with a shaking voice.
"Try" He coaxes.
"... He used me. As a fundraiser... More than once. For many things." My voice catches in my throat as I remember my first torture. "He brought in medical students and made a map of the human body... Using mine."
"What do you mean?"
"They cut open my veins and arteries. All except my neck. Because they didn't want to kill me." I say feeling tears run down my face. I can't say anymore. I suddenly feel the weight of the world crashing down on my shoulders. My tears make me sick of pitying myself. I wasn't always this way. I wasn't always a blundering mess. I can't remember who I was, thinking too far back hurts too much.
I'm not surprised that my stomach empties itself. However Haymitch seems surprised, as he runs out of the room and gets a nurse for me.
The nurse takes away the tray of now disgusting looking food and straps me back to the bed. I'm still too dangerous I guess.
She comes back with cleaning supplies. She gets on her knees to clean up my vomit.
I look at her, "Thank you." I say, "You look sad, and like no one cares, like you've had a bad day and now you've got to clean up some crazy girls throw up. So thank you."
She looks up at me and smiles, "You don't need to thank me honey." She says. Normally I'd hate being called that more than anything but she's cleaning up my vomit.
I don't say anything, but I turn away and fall asleep.
Haymitch doesn't come by again but the nurse from yesterday does. She tells me I'm starting therapy which sounds just about as fun as it is.
The doctor they've assigned me to kind of just stares at me. I don't talk though. Ever five seconds he says.
"Katniss, you'll have to tell us what happened. We've been able to get most of the venom out of your system but we have to know what happened." Or something along those same lines. I don't even think about telling him. I don't trust him, I really don't.
Over a few days time I'm no longer strapped to the bed or my wheelchair when I'm rolled to therapy.
Today is my free day, my nurse comes in and hands me a book to read, 'to pass the time'. I don't want to pass the time, I want to pass away and stop torturing these poor people.
However half way through my read there are people at the door. A lot of people.
My nurse comes to my bed, "The Doctor thought seeing your family and friends could help you open up." Like hell it will. But I nod anyway.
I see all the people standing at the door from before, when I lashed out. They all slowly trickle into the room.
"Hey Catnip" The man with dark hair says. I know who he is, I remember being called that. But I don't want to.
"Kat" The little girl looks at me with large sad eyes. I pick up my book again suddenly engrossed in my read, but Haymitch puts his hand over the text.
"Come on." He says.
I look over at the bronze haired man, my memories with him are not very clear. "Did I hurt you?" I ask.
"Not badly. Nothing a few stitches can't fix." He says. I nod to him.
"How's Johanna?" I ask in general.
"She's working. Doing very well." The tall blonde says. I'm sure she's my mother. But there's something holding her back.
I look and see the blonde boy crying. I suddenly feel angry and hurt, "Why are you crying!? You weren't the one who-"
"Katniss" I hear the sinister voice of my insane mind speak up. "My little lamb." I turn and see it isn't my mind talking but the television. "Thank you for giving us the ability to actually transmit our little messages to your friends." Snow is there. He's here, to hurt me.
"Don't you remember? I filmed them all, my little lamb. With the intent to crush you" His eyes blaze through me. "Now Ladies and Gentlemen your girl on fire."
If I thought the torture was bad watching it again feels like reopening every cut and scar the Capitol took away from me.
I feel like screaming in pain every time I hear myself groan. I look up at the exact moment I'm burned alive. I watch myself melt and nearly die, until I'm whipped of course.
Watching the flesh-eating mutants is the hardest to watch. I don't even look human, and it makes my stomach churn.
Then I am finally raped. Snows words ring in my ears. My strangled cries that are hardly audible behind his lips.
The rest is of the Eight hundred forty-six times I was raped during my captivity all in a montage. Memories of cutting myself, of screaming in fake pleasure every time electricity coursed through me, of bleeding all come back to me. For once there is no rage, only the stabbing regret and pain.
"You see my little lamb. I still own you." He says. I close my eyes and try to disappear.
"Katniss" I hear Haymitch sigh.
"Go away" I say.
"We can-"
"No you can't" I say calmly tears streak down my cheeks. "You can't help me. Don't you get it? I'm far beyond help. Didn't you see what happened to me? I have nothing left to fix. Leave me alone." I say again make myself as small as possible so I can cry.
I hear them all exit. I punch my legs in anger and regret. "Fuck" I whisper.
I feel pity surface in my blood. I hate pity. I look over and only see a hair brush by my nightstand. I take it and break off the brush. It seems sharp enough.
I turn away from the door, though it's closed I feel like someone is looking in. I sit on the edge of the bed and sink the object into my arm.
I don't want to pity myself anymore. The familiar feel of blood running down my arm calms me. It surprises me, but it's true.
Once both of my arms are drenched in blood I'm ready to die. I'm ready to kill myself.
I take it and start to cut my neck.
"Katniss!" I hear a scream. "Stop!" My arm is so blood deprived the moment it is hit my arm goes completely limp.
The blonde boy is there now. "Katniss no. You-You can't" He's crying again, I hate that. He is clutching my wrists, but I try and fight his grip anyway.
"Stop this," He begs.
"Why do you so desperately want to save a corpse?" I ask him. "That's all I am."
"No that's the Capitol talking Katniss-"
"No it isn't" I say, "It's me talking. I want to d-"
"Don't say that." He says angrily. "Don't you dare say that!" He starts to shake me, "Do you understand that? You're going to live." I can feel my face blanche as the blood loss gets to me.
I feel dizzy, like the world around me is fading in and out.
"Nurse!" The blonde boy shouts nervously taking notice of my blood on his hands. "Nurse!" He sounds like he's under water.
Maybe I'll die now. Maybe I can finally be done with this. My nurse comes in and gets me back into bed. She presses buttons on my bed and the blonde boy stands back staring in awe at my blood on his hands.
Please, if there is a god let me die.
"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." ~ Rose Kennedy
Some of you guys have asked me if this will be long. It's not, about three more chapters and then three different endings to choose from. I'll post all three on this story and they are all alternate endings, since I'm indecisive and couldn't pick one. Love you!
