"There is always one person in our lives who is so sacred to us, that they've seen everything we have, and we still think they're a better person."

I find that talking to Johanna has given me a new feeling. That of friendship. I used to have one friend before. Gale. His friendship was very dear to me. He was very dear to me. I'm not the same person though, neither is he.

I wonder if he'll take me back. I think he should, if our friendship was as strong as it once was.

I have been assigned work hours in training. I eat when the cafeteria is empty. Coin claims she doesn't want anything to trigger me, but I just think she doesn't want me to talk to anyone.

I try to think back to a time when I wasn't afraid, only I can't. Simply because my whole life I've been afraid. Fear is almost a meaningless word now. Everyone is afraid of something or everything. I don't personally understand this.

I find myself meandering in the halls trying my best to seem distracted. Today I'm just so damned bored I can't focus on anything.

So I wander around with my hands shoved in my pockets. I wish I could do something other than be useless.

The thoughts of rape are still fresh in my mind. I don't think those thoughts will ever just leave me. Maybe someday but not now.

I look around and feel my eyes lock with blue. Peeta, what's he doing out of training?

He walks toward me cautiously, "Skipping Training?" I ask with a crack in my tone.

He looks at me sadly, "Yeah"

"Why?"

"... I don't know." He says letting me drink in the tense silence, "What are you doing?"

I shrug, "I'm not scheduled for training until three." He nods.

"Um... Katniss. Would you come with me?" He asks.

"Where?" I ask.

"Just somewhere." He's trying to be discrete about something so I let him.

"Alright." I say. He turns and I follow at his side. "... Um... How are you?" He doesn't answer. I feel sudden guilt, I hurt him so badly why would he tell me something like that? "I'm sorry" I whisper, "I didn't mean it. I don't mean half of what I'm doing anymore." I feel like crying but I won't. I can't.

He slips his hand to curve with mine. "It's not your fault."

"It kind of is."

"You didn't let them do that to you."

"I let it happen, I didn't fight." I say this but want to take it back.

He looks down at me tears stream down his extremely pale face. He takes in a shaky breath but says nothing. He opens a door and leads me in.

"A boiler room?" I ask.

"It's the only place they don't film." He says rather loudly as the machines churn and spew steam, "I come here to think"

"How can you think here? I can barely hear my own thoughts." I say to match his tone.

"This place reminds me of myself." He says, "Just going through the motions, working with someone else's agenda. But this is the only place I'm not just doing things."

I look into his crying eyes. I don't know what to say to him.

"I'm sorry that everything sucks. I'm sorry that the world is upside down and inside out but I only know one thing." His hands rest on my hips, "I love you. I always have and always will. I love you, that's the only real thing about me."

How could I forget he was in love with me? I keep looking at his crying face and feel the need to make a choice on my feelings for him.

"I tried so hard to keep you safe, but I couldn't save you. I thought you were dead for so long... I couldn't have imagined the hell you were going through."

I'm almost afraid for our sanities he's pulling me closer to him. But it's gentle, no matter how gentle this is, it reminds me of the world I knew for so long.

"I never want to lose you again. I never want that to happen and I want you safe in my arms forever. I want to keep you safe." His arms can practically wrap around my waist twice. I can see his pain up close.

His pain might just be as bad as my pain.

"I will keep you safe even if it kills me." His face is so close to mine. I can't help but remember, I want to scream in fear. I want to run but he's so strong he'd keep me here and really rape me.

I must really be fucked up if I think Peeta would hurt me. To think he'd keep me here to have his way with me.

His lips find mine, it's not forced but I'm not sure if it's real. I'm not sure of anything and him being here, it make me want it to be real. I want it to be, but it isn't. or at least I'm not sure it is.

He pulls back no longer crying. It's my turn, I bury my face in his chest. I gasp for air desperate for his gentleness. He lets me cry and doesn't let me go.

I don't want him to let me go. I want to be held until I know who I am and what I want.

"They will never take you away again." He promises rubbing my back. I hope he's right but hope is not something I've grown fond of.


The next day I spend training focused. So focused I forget to stop for my scheduled meal. So focused I don't notice other people in the once empty training area.

Needless to say that I was pulled away so I didn't, you know, pass out from hunger.

I tried to distract myself from thinking in general. Just because it hurt to think. It seemed like too much trouble.

I'm still afraid of so much. I haven't seen my mother or Prim in a while. I'm afraid of what they've seen me do. Jo helps me, says I shouldn't be afraid. When people tell you to not be afraid, the initial fear doesn't leave but there's a sense of relief there.

I'm sitting in my apartment now, I'm brushing my hair trying to not think anymore. I don't like thinking much, at nights I remember all the dark rooms I had been held captive in, and though the memories are spaced out they still haunt me. I still have to sleep with the light on.

I hear a quick knocking at my door. I look over and instantly freeze. "Come on Katniss" I whisper, but I can't move.

"Come in" I call our and continue to brush my hair. I look over and see Gale walk into my room. He tenses up when he sees the brush in my hands. I remember trying to kill myself with this.

"It's not sharp enough." I say. I show him by hitting it on the dresser as hard as I can. It doesn't break.

He still looks hesitant so I hand it to him.

He takes it and places it high up on a shelf.

I take a breath and look at him intently, "What bring you here?"

His apprehension fleets from him, "I'm here to deliver orders." He says "We'll be heading out in two days."

I nod while biting my lip. I want to say something but I'm not good at saying things.

"I've missed you Catnip." He says stepping closer to me.

I stand up, "I've missed you too Gale" I say this without thinking. I miss him, I miss how things used to be. Even under Capitol rule at least we were happy. At least I had my sanity.

"Things have changed. A lot of things have changed." He looks at me in a way I've never seen him look at anyone before.

"Yes" I say.

"It's almost like, we grew up."

"I didn't grow up." I say, "I died."

"Not to me you didn't." He says. How did I manage to forget two boys loved me? Am I just stupid?

I look at my feet and half-smile.

"You beat them you know." I look at him questioningly, "Because you're standing here and not crying on the floor." I can't help but chuckle at this.

"That certainly is an improvement." I say.

His arms find their way around me. and I can't fight the urge to do the same. I miss him, though we never hugged before, I feel like he's back.

"You've always been strong." He says to me. His head is so incredibly close to my face, I can feel his stubble rub against my neck. The feeling sends chills down my spine. I feel like holding my breath because I'm suddenly very aware of what could happen next.

I'm right, as he pulls back from our embrace he lets himself kiss me. My brain can only process one thought, 'Well I'm screwed' because I am. As if it wasn't bad enough that I'm a broken mess of a woman I have choices that I'll never be ready to make.

"See you in two days Catnip." He says before leaving me.

"Goodnight" I say before he closes to door. I don't start crying but the thoughts take over again.

I'm internally cursing at myself, my mind is crying out that I'm stupid and worthless but they don't harm me. I know I am.

Right now I'd be perfectly fine with crawling up and dying in a dark hole.

I lay in my bed and close my eyes only to see both kisses. Both were warm, and soft. Both were kind and gentle. Both were from people I have not literal clue how to love.

I think that's the best thing I can say is that I don't know how to love. I don't remember I don't want to. Johanna feels like my only friend, everyone else is just a huge problem.

I have a lot of problems.

But then it hits me... I'm going to war in two days and here I am worrying about boys.

I really need to sort out my fucking priorities. To hell with both of them, I'm going to be fighting against the people who made my life worse by the hour. The people who plagued me with thoughts of suicide.

The choice can wait, I have some serious payback to deliver.

"The thing is not the choice, it is the daunting task of making one."