Love is our Stronghold
"We accept the love we think we deserve. " ~The Perks of Being a Wallflower
It feels like it has been forever. But it has only been one day. In one day so much has happened. Everything has happened.
I woke up in the hospital at midnight. Johanna sat beside me heckling me for a few moments before my mom came and brought me back to our room. I held the pearl in my hand all the while.
She sat me down on the bed and smiled at me. "It's okay." She whispered, "You're okay." I nodded; my mom's a good liar. I went back to sleep for another hour until Johanna woke me up. We sat in front of the television and watched the news report that was just coming in.
We'd won the war. Johanna and I locked each other in a hug before realizing what that meant. We are free, no more tyrannical rule over our heads. No more looking over our shoulders. No more Snow. All of that is now a memory of the past.
We crushed each other before turning back to the screen. The list of the dead popped up next to the reporter. Prim's name among those dead. Gales name on the list of critically wounded. I found my mind sickeningly rejoicing. Peeta's name wasn't there.
For the first time in a while I'd gotten the chance to question my feelings for him. No more war, no more games, and with him... Well I can see something I'd never seen before.
I can see a future, a brighter happier future. He can help me more than he can hurt me... right? He can prove to be kind and helpful, like he once was in my eyes. He can help me back to a better place right?
He's already proven those things to me before. But if the future I could imagine was ever going to be real we'd have to convince one another all over again. Well if he'd still want me that is.
Mom came in soon after the program ended. She had been crying, it was written along her face. She took me in her arms and squeezed me. "You're okay." She whispered.
I was, I truly was, in all actuality. Mom sat down with us still clinging to me. This interaction made me feel like she cared enough to care for me.
Now at four in the morning we're still sitting together sleep deprived and seemingly okay. We're smiling senselessly at one another, it's cruel and wrong. But it's all we know how to do.
I keep closing my eyes and seeing a future I can have. If only I try. I have to try, don't I? Do I have it in me?
We get a call up to our room at six o'clock. Johanna answers it, she nods and says yes a few times. Then she smiles at me. "Thanks Haymitch." She ends the call.
"Katniss, come on." She says taking my hand lifting me off the couch.
"Where are we going?" I ask taking my mom behind me.
"Secret places." Johanna assures me, "Come on Mrs. E you can keep up."
Johanna drags me behind her through the tunnels of Thirteen. Leading me up an unending plethora of stairs. I think these stairs are unending.
Until we reach the ground. The sky is a dusky purple before the sun has risen. I shiver against the harsh cold. But taking in crisp air for the first time in I don't know how long is so satisfying.
You can't even imagine it. You had to be there. You had to have been me in order to know what I mean.
"Katniss, look." Mom says so I can open my eyes to savor the sunrise.
But the sun does not meet my eyes. An air craft has landed not to far away. Men are lingering, walking around to the several entrances to Thirteen.
The war is over and they know it. They are happily rejoicing. They've worked for this moment.
That's when I see him. He may be covered in smut, he may look a bit lost and confused. But I can see he's there, and he too is celebrating our newly won freedom.
My Peeta... He's mine. If he'll still have me. He must not be looking for me, but he's looking for something.
With bitter snow crunching under my feet as I run, I find a laugh slip out from between my lips. I try to blink away the snow so I can keep my eyes trained on him.
I know it's him but he doesn't know it's me. He doesn't know that I'm ready. That I'm sure I can love him. That I'm sane.
He doesn't know just how okay I can be... He doesn't know how okay I can be for him.
"There is nothing sweeter in this sad world than the sound of someone you love calling your name." The Tale of Despereaux
He's turns his back as I reach the scattered group of men, so I call out to him, "Peeta!" I shout and wrap myself around him. He falls to the ground with me clutching him tightly.
"Katniss?" He whispers breathing into my neck.
"I'm okay. I am." I whisper back placing my face in the crook of his neck where it fits just right.
"Katniss." He sighs into my hair. My arms burn with cold, the side of my face frozen in the snow, but I have him. What more could I dare to ask for?
"I'll get better, I promise you. I will." I say to him. He pulls me to him even tighter.
"Everything's okay." He tells me. But I know that already. Because I will get better, and with him I can do more than get better. I can fly if he only asks.
"Time is a blur when you're with me. You tell me the world is still spinning but I can't tell, not when you're there." Unknown
Three Years Later
Peeta and I have been married for two years now, happily in fact. We've settled back into District Twelve in Victors Village. We helped the first year with the reconstruction process, rebuilding most of town and building better houses in the seam. Most families are better off now.
Peeta reopened the Bakery and now has a bit of hired help.
We built a hospital as well where I attend therapy sessions every other week. I still hunt everyday, mostly for pleasure but do sell the majority of it at the market place.
Haymitch has cleaned up his act... Some what, only gets drunk about once a week now-a-days. Mom has settled down in District Four where Annie and Finnick live with their three year old son. Gale's been functioning well, he still doesn't have full use of his right arm but from our last call he seemed well enough.
Peeta and I have been very happy for the past two years of our marriage... Minus the incident.
You see when we first got married it a was a small quaint little ceremony, but then the Effie convinced us to have a very grand wedding in the Capitol.
We didn't have to but we pretty much figured why not. At that wedding both of us got pretty wasted. We slept together for the first time then. Only I didn't remember a thing. Peeta thought that sex had been okay with me and a couple of nights later he tried sleeping with me again. I had a panic attack so bad I fainted.
We haven't slept together since. I honestly feel like I'm a terrible wife because of it, though Peeta claims it isn't a problem; I don't entirely believe him.
Today he's coming with me to my therapy session, he comes every so often on the orders of my psychologist. We walk through town hands entwined as always when we're together.
We walk up the four flights of stairs, mostly because Peeta can't stand elevators. He's said something to me about how elevators in Thirteen were terrible to ride in. I don't question it. He doesn't question me.
We meet with my psychologist and quickly begin. We talk about the usual. How I've been, the memories, if I've had any flashbacks or suicidal thoughts recently.
Then he asks something he never asks, "How's your marriage?"
"Very well." I say.
"And how has your sexual relationship been?"
"..." He eyes me suspiciously, "We don't... We don't." I say almost ashamed.
"When was the last time you had sex?"
"Two years ago..." I say.
"When you had that episode."
"Correct."
"So you both have been abstinent."
"Yes."
"Katniss," I look around the room as he speaks, "Sex is a very normal part of marriage, abstaining from sex can put your marriage in a very strained situation."
"I know." I say.
"If she's not comfortable with it I won't force her." Peeta defends me.
"I would hope you wouldn't Mr. Mellark, but I think you two having sex is a very important milestone for your wife. It would help tremendously in her recovery and in your marriage."
"Our marriage doesn't need help." Peeta says.
"I believe you, but how long will you honestly be content living a life of celibacy?"
"As long as I need to. If she's not ready I don't need to."
"I don't think you're listening to me. Until you do have sex she will never fully trust you."
"What does that-"
"Because you are a male Mr. Mellark. Because of how terribly she was treated she doesn't trust you like I know she wants too. She wants to trust you but she cannot because of all that has happened to her. And until she can sleep with you and not have flashbacks she will never be alright."
I look down at my hands, I've told my doctor all of my dreams. He has me keep a dream journal and I'm sad to say some of my reoccurring nightmares have been of Peeta raping me. That thought makes me hate myself because it's so frightening. Because I shouldn't fear the touch of my husband.
"I have an assignment for you these next two weeks before we meet. Have sex. If you do have flashbacks you should stop, I don't advise you indulge the flashback, but try and get through it."
I nod awkwardly as I stand up to leave. "I'll make my next appointment in two weeks." I assure him before leaving the room.
I made my appointment and walked back with Peeta to our home. "I think we need to talk." Peeta says to me leading me into our formal living room.
We sit down on the couch and curl up into each others arms. "Katniss, darling, you know how I feel about this."
"Yes..." I say, "But I'm afraid that simply won't do now."
"We could go to another doctor."
"They'd say the same thing. And so would the next doctor and the next."
He squeezes me a bit tighter, "Maybe we can make it special. We can have a nice dinner, candles... Wine"
"I don't want to be drunk, love. If I'm drunk I might not mean it. I don't want to be that girl who has to be drunk in order to sleep with her husband." I pause before saying, "I'm such a bad wife..."
"No you aren't, you're just hurt." He says.
"I'm not the only one hurt."
"Well you're just more hurt than me, darling." He responds kissing my head.
"Don't you have work to get to?" I ask.
He looks at the clock, "Yes." he stands up grabbing his keys and a few other things. "Are you going to make your calls?" I make monthly calls to just about everyone we know.
"Yeah."
"Will you call Delly tell her I'm sorry I didn't call last week. Her number's in the drawer."
"Alright, bye, love." I say kissing him before he walks out the door.
"Goodbye, darling." He says leaving for the bakery.
I waste no time in dialing up my mother, who says she's been promoted and is doing well. Johanna is also doing just fine but had a bad episode and had to go to the hospital a week ago. Gale's left arm has improved, his family is also doing well. Annie and Finnick have had to construct a fence around their home to keep little Finn from wandering away, and Finn has started up school.
Delly informs me that she became engaged this past weekend and will be sending an invitation to her ceremony as soon as she's able.
Effie speaks to me briefly only because she had a social event to attend. Once I've made my rounds of phone calls Peeta's home.
That night we do a lot of talking and researching. We discuss how we should go about the whole sex business. I don't dream at night as we've stayed up so late even my nightmares are tired, a small victory. I'll be well rested for our endeavor.
Peeta and I prepare for our night together. We go out and buy everything we'd taken the time to research about. Certain types of flowers, all kinds of scented candles, types of foods that supposedly turn one on, bubble bath, condoms, everything. Only we don't once venture to the liquor store.
I'm scared to death. But I try to pass it off as slight excitement as we shop. Everyone in town surely knows what our plans are. I just hope they're polite enough to not mention anything in the coming days.
I take the liberty of setting up our bedroom once we get home. I place candles all around flowers from our garden peaking around the bed. I put our favorite scent of bubble bath on the counter and so many candles I'm sure the candle shop will be barren until the next train visit.
Peeta's cooking downstairs. He plans on taking the whole day cooking, we'll be giving the leftovers to Haymitch in the morning.
I place all of the necessities within our reach for the night. I pick up my journal in which I'm supposed to track how I'm feeling and how I'm handling my current situation. I can't tell you how many journals I've been given.
I write down that while I'm still not quite ready I'll try for him. I'll show him I'm okay and be the wife he deserves.
At six he comes up to fetch me for dinner. We both take no time in sitting down to eat. He's dimmed the lights and tries to spark conversation. However since we both know what's going to happen we can't keep hold of one topic.
Once dinner's finished we shove all of the leftovers in the fridge and I drag him upstairs. My body wants to tear into him, but my mind doesn't want to touch him the longer we kiss. "How about a bath first?" I ask in a low whisper, delaying the enviable. My mind hopes that maybe what we researched was right.
I run a bath and slip into it silently. The scented candles somehow mix pleasantly. I feel his hands move my hair to one side so he can kiss my neck. "Join me?" He slips in behind me. He doesn't stop kissing tender spots on my neck.
I turn around and look at him. His body is half submerged. His chest completely bare. I put my hands on his chest before gliding my lips to his. My brain is twisting this moment, Don't make a damn fool of yourself Katniss. Don't let yourself love it, that's what they want your pleasure.
But my body is reacting to him to the thing all married couples do. I kiss him so much he falls back on the lip of the tub. His arms wrap around my back and tug me closer. I love this man I truly do.
His fingers run along my hair until they get knotted in the wet tips. We are completely enamored by one another. The outside world has no effect on our soon to be shown affections.
I only stop kissing him when I feel something stiffen between his legs. I pull back and breathe heavily, trying to let the fear die down. He takes to kissing my jaw and nibbling on my earlobe as I shove the fear down and out of my mind.
He moans in my ear and huskily begs for me, "Katniss," He whispers over and over again.
I pull his face back to mine, silencing him with an unendingly long kiss. I feel his hand fumble with the plug before he lifts me out of the tub. He carries me to our bedroom where he's lit all the candles.
"You have a way of decorating." He says laying me on the bed.
I made him stop talking by kissing him with more passion, more love, and more hope that the fear bubbling inside me would stop.
We can't stop feeling each other as we lay there. Me pinned under him running my fingers through his hair, my hands along his back and chest. Him caressing my back. Maybe we can do this.
He takes his hands off me for a moment I assume to slip on a condom, but I don't stop. If I do I may back out and I can't allow that.
My brain starts trying to resurface old memories, but I fight them down with thoughts of how legitimately beautiful my husband is. How I don't want to stop touching him.
His hands come back to me, I realize quickly that I can feel him slipping inside me.
For a moment my brain has a realization it recognizes this feeling. It tries to send signals to my body to stop enjoying it. My brain tries to tighten my body to keep him out of me. But I'm enjoying it, my body wants this and I even want him.
He kisses my neck as he goes farther. This strange mix of love and fear makes my body aroused more than it should be.
We move together rhythmically being one for the first time in our lives. Neither of us drunk and both of us pleasured. All seems to go well for me until he grips my breast. He's too rough, too hungry, and too passionate. For a moment he's not my sweet Peeta. I'm still pinned to a wall some man sticking himself inside me trying to curve his craving for sex.
We gasp together, him in pleasure me in utter terror. I can feel it begin to hurt as my body registers his love as rape. God, I'm a horrible wife, I'm afraid of my husband while we're having sex. He's using me, no he isn't. He's my sweet Peeta he wouldn't, but he is.
I think I'm crying, I think my breathing is suddenly too rampant to be pleasure. I think he knows I'm afraid and I don't want him to know it.
He's still moaning my name, still manhandling my breast, still has his eyes closed as my eyes leak tears. Some of the candles have already burned out making the room even dimmer making this sexual act seem even more sinister.
I think he's hit maximum pleasure when I gasp in clear distress. I can't anymore. I can't do it. But he's already come.
"Katniss," He pants out, "Darling, are you alright?" He's still kissing me still moving inside me. Still hurting me.
"I'm fine." I say unconvincingly.
He kisses my cheeks finding salty tears instead of dry cheeks. He knows we haven't been doing this so hard I'd sweat. He knows I'm crying as he opens his eyes, "Katniss you're not okay." He says to me.
"I'm fine, " I whisper through tears.
"No you're not."
"It's okay, we can-"
"Katniss, we're stopping." He says firmly pulling out of me. I wonder if we actually finished or if he just really doesn't want to damage me anymore. I don't want to stop only because I love him and I want to be his wife. I want to be what he needs but I can't be this.
He rolls off of me and I can't fight the urge to run. So I run downstairs and cry on the couch. Not wearing anything, only wrapping myself in a blanket. I cry into my shaking knees.
I can't do it. I can't do it because I'm weak. I hate myself as I fall asleep.
I wake up from my nightmares still wrapped up in my blanket in fetal position. I can hear Peeta on the phone in the other room. I can smell breakfast from here.
I take the blanket around me and hold it tighter. Hoping that if he thinks I'm still asleep he'll leave me be.
But when he does come into the living room he leans over the couch and kisses my cheek, "Katniss, darling, it's time to wake up." I open my eyes and look at his sleepless face. He feels guilty but I feel more so. I reach out and kiss him feeling remorseful for last night.
"We can talk over breakfast alright darling?" He promises me holding both of my hands tightly.
"Can I get dressed first?" I ask.
He chuckles, "Yes dear." He kisses my hands and lets me leave. I don't look at my reflection as I change and fix my hair. I'd rather not look at the girl who did what I did last night.
"Another secret to the universe: Sometimes pain was like a storm that came out of nowhere. The clearest summer morning could end in a downpour. Could end in lightning and thunder." Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets Of The Universe
That was the first time we had sex. The next few times weren't as bad, but we still weren't able to actually enjoy it until a few months after. Well. I didn't, he claimed he didn't. I hadn't had an attack for a year. A whole year. I could be a good wife for my husband. I could finally do most things women were supposed to do.
Only one problem. I still adamantly refuse children. I just can't do it. Four years isn't enough yet. But keep a secret for me.
My doctor says I should start trying. He says it could be good for me. Help me to move on. It scares me, the thought of moving on. Letting my guard down with my husband is hard enough. Now I'll have to do it with a child?
When I get downstairs one morning in the fall Peeta's sitting at the table waiting for me. "Annie and Finnick have asked if they can come for a visit."
"Will they be bringing Finn?"
He smiled, "Of course. I don't think either of them will ever let that boy out of their sight."
I chuckle and the truth of his statement.
"Katniss?"
"Yes, love?" I ask walking over to kiss his cheek.
"Ask me who I saw yesterday." He tells me.
"Who, love?"
"Your doctor."
"... Oh?"
"He told me about your session last week."
Well he knows... I try to walk away, he takes my hand anchoring me.
"Darling, please talk to me."
"... What did he say?"
"He said we should try for a baby. That it's something you secretly want that you can't admit to yourself. That a baby will help us move on."
I haven't told anyone since Johanna that they forced abortions on me. I wouldn't be able to stomach it. I will never have children that is final. My body may just reject the fetus anyway, I've lost so many already.
"Please don't make me-"
"Katniss, you know I won't make you do anything. But we must talk about these things."
"I can't..."
"Talk to me."
Tears, "I can't say it."
"Please." He pulls me closer. He stands and holds me. "Try for me."
I don't want to. I don't. "They just... They never... They never..." I look away from him. "Please."
"Darling... You can tell me." He says, his warm breath on my forehead. I wish I could.
I swallow harshly, "They never used protection." I won't explain for what. He tenses his hold on me, "I'm not sure how many times they... They stuck. I'll never know that." I can't speak. My voice is stuck in my throat. I want him to draw his own conclusion. He does no such thing. I force a strangled sound out of my throat, "They got rid of all of them."
"How do you know it ever... Stuck?" He asks stiffly and furiously.
"I'm not sure... Every day I guessed... I just felt it." I silently collapse inside.
I'm unable to speak, or breathe. Only his rage shaken body holds me in place. My mind wanders to dangerous places. Rage... pain... rage equals pain. I'm in pain. I'm hurting.
Rage. Pain. Fear. When did it get so cold? Why am I so scared? Because he'll hurt me. He will. He'll kill me if I don't do anything now. I squirm against him. He can't hold on to me he can't. But he won't let go.
He holds on tighter. I punch and I kick. I scream. "He's hurting me! He's killing me!" He'll choke me blue, rape me till I see stars. He'll blind me, murder me. Or worse, leave me broken beyond repair.
I get him off of me in a quick fit of adrenalin. I throw him off to the side. There's a loud thud. He's hit something. He's unconscious. Serves him right. They should have kept me held down.
Someone comes into my cell. A guard maybe? Coming to my immediate detainment? To take away the sick bastard who'd kill me. Good riddance to them both, even if I am strapped down again.
"Sweetheart, calm down. You're in your kitchen." He says.
What lies, I haven't heard a joke in a while. Is that what he thinks this is? A joke? Men are such devils, "My ass!" I shout running to attack him. He holds me down. He's much stronger than me.
"Don't move until you come back to the real world. You are safe. You are okay. We won't let anyone hurt you ever again. The Capitol lost the war. We're free now. There are no Games. It's just you and Peeta. Married for almost four years now. Remember?"
I do remember. I'm not in a cell. I'm on the tile floor of my kitchen. Pinned under Haymitch's weight. Peeta is getting up from under the kitchen table. His hand glued to his neck.
"Darling, don't look okay? I'll be back in five minutes, just close your eyes." I lay on the floor. Haymitch's weight lifts off of me. I cry as I lay out on my kitchen floor. What happened? What did I do? How much damage did I do this time?
I hear the water running in the bathroom and in the kitchen. They turn off at the same time. In the kitchen there's scrubbing. In the bathroom I hear Peeta rummaging through the cabinets.
"Darling. I'm back everything's alright. You can open your eyes now." I do. He kneels beside me, he smiles. His large hands warm mine. I sit up and touch his smiling face.
"I'm sorry." I say. "Oh love, I'm so sorry."
"You didn't mean it. No one got hurt."
I look at his hands, scrubbed clean, "You bled didn't you?"
"It wasn't bad Katniss honestly."
"But I did it to you."
He makes me look at him, "You did nothing wrong. It was my fault, I triggered it. You only reacted. I'm sorry."
I look over, "I'm sorry, Haymitch." I see his tired face. The sad one he wears every time I get an attack. He grunts, as if he doesn't care and promptly leave. He cares more than he'll allows me to know. But I do know one thing. He goes home and cries after my attacks. Every time, without fail. You can tell if you walk by his house and there's a television going. He thinks the sound drowns out his sobs. But it amplifies them.
Peeta and I continue our morning. Although now I see something off in him. Maybe he feels like now we'll never have children. He wants children. He really wants them. And it's my job to have them. Why did it have to be my job?
Why couldn't he be the one to have it? I'd be fine with having a baby if I wasn't the one carrying it for nine months.
The next two weeks we spend preparing for Annie and Finnick's arrival. Neither of us mentions my flashback the whole time. But I know he has shoved the thought out of his mind. He thinks I'm too broken, that I'm not ready to talk again. He wants to, it's eating at him, but he thinks I can't handle it.
Annie and Finnick arrive late in the morning. Little Finn is jumping up and down, he loves going to new places.
Annie is pregnant with their second child. It's still hardly noticeable to the world though. She hasn't told us, but I have a well trained eye.
"Auntie Katniss, will you help me climb the tree again?" He asks me.
"Of course little guppy." I say reaching his level.
"Now!?" He gasps excitedly.
I look to Annie and Finnick, "Go on Katniss you don't need our permission."
I take Finn up in my arms and make my way to the door. They just want to talk about me. About how sick and cruel I am to not want a child. But at least they don't want me within hearing range.
I carry Finn out to the woods where I haul him up to a low branch.
"I wanna go higher." He tells me trying to stand and then slipping slightly.
"Not yet little guppy. You'll get there." I tell him.
"I don't think I'll ever get their Aunt Kitty." He only calls me that when we're alone.
"I didn't think I'd ever do half the things I've done." I say with a heavy heart.
"Aunt Kitty... Are you afraid of the dark?"
I chuckle a bit, "Yes little guppy I am afraid of the dark... I guess. I'm afraid of a lot of things."
Finn leans forward a bit and kisses my nose, "Mommy and daddy said we had to come scare away the demons... But I don't know what those are."
I kissed his nose too, "You don't want to know little guppy."
"Are you scared now?"
"... I'm always scared."
"I can protect you from those demon thingies." Fin promised.
"I'm sure you could Finn. The only problem is that my demons are in my head." I say.
"How can they be in your head?"
I sigh as I think of a way to explain fear. "Have you ever heard something in your head telling you're doing something wrong?" He nods, "Well it's kind of like that. Only instead of having a voice telling me I'm doing something wrong when I'm doing something wrong. The voice is always there. And it's always telling me I'm doing something wrong." He starts messing with his shoe, "Do you understand?"
He nods, "Aunt Kitty, is that what's wrong with Mommy?"
"Sort of little guppy. Just different."
"Mommy and daddy were talking. They didn't know I heard them." He says, "I was supposed to be asleep. Daddy said you were sick, Mommy said you were hurt. Which one is it?"
"Both I suppose, but I'll never fully be better."
"Can I kiss it better?"
I laugh, "That's not how brain sicknesses work guppy."
"... Have you gotten medicines?"
"Yes guppy." I laugh again. "My sickness is the kind that never goes away. How are you guppy?"
"I don't wanna start school." He says forlornly.
"Why?"
"Who's gonna take care of mommy if I'm not there?"
"Your daddy can help her." And the new baby.
"He has work." He never struck me as the working type. "It scares me when mommy can't get out of bed Aunt Kitty. It doesn't happen a lot, but it's scary." This is the exact reason I don't want to have children. They notice things like that. The times when we're so paralyzed with guilt and fear we can't even move. They see it and it scares them.
"I don't know what to tell you guppy." I say, "But I do have a suggestion." I lift him off the branch and set him on my hip.
He gasps, "Are we going to play on the rocks?"
"Yes we are." I tell him. So we play until late afternoon. I carry him home, we arrive just as the sun is setting. I walk in the door and shout, "We're back!"
Only there's no answer.
"Auntie Katniss, can I take a nap."
"Yes guppy. I'll put you down for your nap alright?" He nods and complies as I lay him down in the guest room. His parents seem half unpacked. That's when I look over at the slightly ajar bathroom door.
I approach it slowly, lightly tapping it open before walking in. Blood. All I can see is blood. There isn't much. It's concentrated to once area, but smeared around a bit. It's so thin it looks rose instead of rouge. I know the look of blood, I know it so well it hurts me.
I cannot scream, I cannot move. I can hardly breathe.
"It isn't yours." I say over and over again. "It isn't yours." But I can't shut my eyes. Is it mine? Did they let me go free for a moment, did they let me forget only to return?
No! That's ridiculous, Peeta wouldn't... Peeta isn't here. But Finn is. I turn around. He's still there. It's not my blood. It's not my blood. Then why does it hurt to breathe? It's not my blood.
I clean up whoever's blood it was. My constant mantra, "It's not my blood. It's not my blood. It's not my blood. Finn is here. It's not my blood."
I clean it slowly, careful not to set myself off. I wash my arms thoroughly. I make sure no red is on me.
I take Finn in my arms, just to remind myself that he is real, and the blood is not anymore. The blood is gone. It's down the sink. It's gone.
I set Finn down again before walking to my bedroom. I change, feeling like my clothes are tampered in some way. I put on an over sized night-shirt before calling my husband. I have to put it on speaker, I can't hold the phone to my ear and keep it still.
I'm so afraid. Is he there? Why isn't he picking up? Where is he? Why is he taking so long? He always answers my calls. What's wrong with him? I'm sick! And scared, and crazy... And... And... Ugh! This shouldn't take ten phone calls.
"Hello?" He finally picks up. I'm hysterical.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b..." I can't say it. I'm crying.
"Who is this?" He asks, he's frustrated.
I let word come out of my mouth, "Blood." I say.
"Who are you?"
"Blood... Peeta why was there blood?" I'm so scared and frantic.
"Look if this is a prank-"
"Auntie Katniss! Where are you!?" Finn sounds as frantic as me. Snow won't get that beautiful baby boy.
"Finn?" I moan, frozen on my bed. Did they get him? Is he okay? "Guppy come here!" I shout.
"Who are you?" I hear a crackling voice from the phone.
"Auntie Katniss!" Finn shouts, I hear his little legs sprint down the hall into mine and Peeta's bedroom. He jumps onto the bed and collapses in my arms. He's crying and I'm crying. We hold one another. "I'm scared Auntie Katniss, I'm scared."
"I'm scared too guppy." I cry holding onto his tiny shaking body. "I'm scared too."
"Where's mommy and daddy?"
"I don't know guppy, but I've got you okay?" I shush him until he falls back to sleep. Night has fallen now. The phone is still on in my hand. I turn on a lamp beside me, too afraid to be left alone in the darkness.
"Katniss?" He finally asks.
"Yes..." I whisper.
"I didn't mean to leave you. Oh... Oh god I'll be there as soon as I can. I'll explain when I get back. I'm so sorry darling."
"Come home... Please. I need you." I mumble into the phone.
"I'm coming, darling. I'm coming." He hangs up. I clutch Finn so tightly it's a wonder I don't break him.
The door slams down stairs. I'm paralyzed again. Are they coming for us?
No, I tell myself, Peeta's here.
He skips steps into our bedroom, "Darling, I'm so sorry." He take me and squeezes me so tightly I can't breathe. I'm suddenly safe. "I didn't even think about leaving you here. And the blood. Oh, we should have done something. Left a note... Ugh, I'm so sorry, darling. Are you alright?"
I take a breath and look at the precious boy in my arms. I'm not, I can't bear the words. Peeta lifts Finn from my arms, thinking he was too heavy a burden for my arms, and carries him to the guest room. He hurries back to me.
"Katniss, darling."
I take him and cry as if my hiding in his chest will make my fear small enough to ignore. But this is yet another rude reminder that my fear is an ever present celestial body, like the moon. My fear goes in phases, and no matter what time of day it is. The moon is always there. I like that analogy, it works.
"I'm sorry." He breathes. He takes out my hair and smooths it down my back. He picks me up and sits on the bed with me on his lap in-between his thighs. I kiss his neck trying to feel better. I desperately want to feel better. Kissing him always makes me feel better, it makes me feel better now.
"Where were you?" I ask
"The hospital." He says.
"What happened?"
"Annie. She didn't know she was pregnant. She lost the baby." I knew. But how sad that they didn't.
A life lost before it could even begin.
"Darling?" He asks.
"Yes, Love?" I ask quietly.
He lowers his voice so not to startle me, "I've got you."
"I know."
"You do?"
"Yes."
"Do you love me?"
"So much." He looks at me and I look at him. He asks the real question without words, he traces circles into my back, would it be so bad? Can we try?
I release my hold on his back and drag my hands to his chest. It wouldn't be so bad...
He plants his head on my shoulder, Can we try?
I kiss the side of his head, yes.
"It's a huge thing, this Shift, just as big as I imagined. My brain doesn't want to think anymore; all of a sudden it wants to do." It's Kind of a Funny Story
That's when we decided to try for our first baby. It took two years for us to actually conceive though. It's given me time to grow. Time to heal. Time to finally be ready for a baby.
When I found out I almost fainted. I cried and I nearly asked Peeta if we should even keep it.
It was hard, I won't lie. Carrying the baby was hard enough without all my psychological problems. Being crazy, doesn't help when you come to the realization of 'oh good god there's a real living thing inside my abdomen.'
I was afraid to move some days. Afraid to do anything. I was convinced even walking would kill it. But Peeta took me by the hand and help me along. I'd sit in the bakery with his attentive eyes open to any sign of a flashback.
Those days I'd hold my ever growing stomach and just feel where life was. The only life inside me, it seemed on those dark days. I cried more than I'll ever admit.
On the day our first child is born, I find myself alone in our large house. I'd been fine the whole week. I thought I'd keep being fine. But I feel my water break. I think I've killed it as my first thought. I stand there in the middle of my kitchen still and tense with fear.
But as crippling pain comes and goes I know it isn't dead. But still, I only move to clean myself and the floor. I sit on my bed and wait.
I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. I think I'm just waiting for the world to stop moving. But it doesn't, that's a cruel lesson I've learned many times.
I sit there for six hours, tenderly nursing the waves of pain brought on by labor. Until my husband comes home. I fully realize what I'm doing and what's happening.
"Darling?" He calls up the stairs, as usual.
Without thinking I shout back down, "Peeta, I'm having the baby!" I think that scares him more than I'll ever know.
I just now notice how close the pain is instead of regular intervals of time. It's just consistent. I just notice I can't move at all.
It's like he materializes in front of me. He takes my face and looks at me. He's scared and excited. But most of all - and I'll never forget this fact- he seems so sure, so ready.
That makes me feel like maybe we can actually do it.
"I-... I'll call the healer." He says.
"No." I tell him grabbing his arms keeping him with me, "Now."
"Now, now!?"
"Now, now." I say keeping my voice even.
"Okay... Okay, I'll... I'll just-"
"Calm down love. Just calm down," I kiss his lips to affirm that I'm calm. "We can do this. We've been through more than this. Making life is easier than taking it."
His hands find their way down to our child, "I can't believe this is happening."
I never thought I'd live to do this. But I won't say that to him. Now is not the time for fear and talk of death. Now is the time to celebrate the birth of our first child. To celebrate life.
"Love, do you remember how to do this?" I ask him.
Still rubbing our child he looks at me, "We both have to breathe." He smiles.
"Yes." I nod.
"Lay down, darling." I follow his instruction as he guides my legs onto the bed. He gathers pillows to prop me up. "I'm going to get some towels and warm some water alright?"
I nod as he leaves. Calm. Stay calm. It hurts. Pain has been worse, remember that. I do. The pain has always been worse.
But he's gone too long. I can't stand it. Our baby needs to be born and it needs to be born now. I call out to him, "Peeta, get in here!"
"Darling?"
"I-... I have to push Peeta! Get up here!"
He rushes up to my side, "You know what to do, darling." He tells me. He goes to the edge of our bed and moves my legs apart. He keeps his eyes glued on me.
I sit up on my knuckles and push. I don't cry or scream. I just do what I need to.
Peeta looks at me intently, "You're doing great Katniss. You can do this."
Yes I can. I push and push until I hear his childlike laughter, "I can see it's head."
"Peeta!" I shout at him.
"Right... Right." He composes himself for my sake, "One more Katniss. Just one more."
I hold him to that. I don't focus on the pain, I focus on the life that's about to start. The baby cries. It... It happened. It actually happened.
"Katniss... We have a son. Darling, we have a little boy." His voice holds so much awe and joy, I don't want to remind him that our now son is still connected to me.
"Love, the umbilical cord." I tell him. He hands me the baby before going off in search of scissors.
He's sticky with blood. But our baby, even as his faces scrunches with tears, is beautiful. Somehow we, two broken people, created a living breathing human. We made something instead of destroying. And that's why I cry holding my little boy. For once we've created life instead of destroying it.
Peeta comes back and cleans the baby after cutting the umbilical cord. What on earth are we going to name him? How are we ever going to keep him as perfect as he is now? How will we preserve his innocent mind?
I know the answer, we won't be able to. But we can do something. We can love this boy more than we will ever love anything.
"Darling..." Peeta walks back into our bedroom, he's wrapped our child in a crisp white blanket.
He passes our son into my arms. He looks so much like his father. It's a shame my hair color had to be dominate. But our baby has clear blue perfect eyes, lips and nose just like his father.
"What are we going to name him?" I ask.
"Nico." He says.
"Nico?" I ask.
"Yes, he looks like a Nico." He leans down and kisses the little boys head.
"Nico." I say again, "Happy birthday, Nico."
"Maybe everyone can live beyond what they're capable of." I am The Messenger
Since then we've had two more children. Our sons Nico and Leo. Our youngest and only daughter Sierra. Life has a certain way of changing everything.
Changing how you see the world and how you act. But the older I get the more I realize it is not in constant phases.
Change happens in constant time, through sporadic unforeseen events. Good, bad, and all that's in between.
And as I watch my children run into the school house, my husbands loving arms wrapped around me. I realize that it's been five years since I've been consumed with fear. Five years ago, our daughter was born.
Hand in hand Peeta takes me through town. He never lets me go. I think he's still afraid to lose me. I know how that feels.
We wind up in the meadow, though I highly doubt either of us did it on purpose.
I laugh at the sight of the late summer flowers. I'm not sure why, but I do.
Peeta sits down and sits me on his lap.
"Kiss me." I tell him.
"No, you kiss me." He tells me. So I do. I kiss each and every inch of his face.
"I love you." I tell him between kisses.
"I love you more."
"I love you just as much." I laugh again, "I hope you know that."
"I do."
"Promise me?"
"Promise." He somehow winds up over me. It's just us laying in a vast sea of flora. Our lips making contact with one another and the skin of the other. Pure love. That's what it is. Pure love.
I hope he knows that's how I view us. We're still two broken kids with kids of our own, like everyone after the war. But love will always be our safe house, unlike some others.
We've been through so much and so little. I've lived in hell, and met the devil himself. I know true pain, and true evil.
Yet I can allow myself to heal through love. Yet somehow I made it passed every adversity to find what it means to love truly and whole heartedly.
Love is our stronghold, and this silly little love story is tried and true. Our love is and always will be, Real.
" Love me and the world is mine." ~David Reed
So yippy! Last ending which was your favorite?
