Authors Note: This is the ficlet finale, my pretties! I hope you've enjoyed this little side story- it was super fun to write, so I might do some more of these in the future. Let me know what you think!

Also, really sorry, I totally thought I had posted this yesterday, but then I checked today and apparently not! I'm silly.

Anyways, read on!

Harley- May 6th, 9:49pm

At first I think I've just tumbled into a full psychotic episode- there's no way that sound is coming out of Devin. But then Devin isn't Devin anymore, he's pulling off a wig, and the hair underneath is green, and- Oh my God!

"PUDDIN!" I'm on him before I realize what I'm doing, and then I'm touching him, after three horrible months I can touch him. I'm kissing him on the nose, the cheeks, maybe accidentally a little bit on the eyeball- he's trying to push me away but it's ok because he's here and I can touch him. Because I didn't cheat at all, it was him, he was what revved me up about Devin godamn Delguissi! He's peeling bits of prosthetic latex from his nose and chin, revealing the hidden scars that gouge his cheeks.

"Oh, Mistah J! I can't believe you did all this for me!"

"I didn't- what?" His voice pitches up at least three octaves on the question and he plants a hand on my face to push me away. So I take the hand and I hold it. "Stop that!" He shakes his arm vigorously in attempt to dislodge me, but I hold fast. He looks like he's about to contest that, but then he catches Ivy staring at our joined hands like she wishes she had laser eyes instead of the plant thing, and he drops his resistance, chuckling.

"Just kidding!" He wraps his free arm around my waist and pulls me back onto his lap. I melt, and Ivy grumbles in the background. "Of course I did this for you-" His hand comes to my jaw and he tilts my face up so all I can see is him. "Daddy needed to show you that he's the only one. Do you understand, cupcake?"

"Yes, Daddy I'm so sorry-"

"Whatever is going on here needs to happen somewhere else." Growls Ivy, and before I can respond J is kissing me.

Oh my god he's kissing me!

Distantly, I know that Ivy is probably passing vicious and nearing rabid- her plan backfired completely; she spent two months "talking" (I assume it was more like an interrogation) to Mister J, and she still picked him. For me! Suck it Pammy, I'm not the only one who thinks we're soulmates- I would say that to her but my mouth is busy. And yeah I know he's only making out with me cause its pissing her off, but I ain't gonna complain- he feels so good after so long, and somehow its like everything is new even though its familiar to the core. One of his hands grips my neck while the other presses against the small of my back and he plays my body like a cello, his mouth travelling across my jaw and down my neck- presumably so he can glare at Ivy but oh my god, I needed this-

"Get the fuck out of my house."

He pulls away with a sigh, leaving me dizzy, breathless, and possibly drooling

"That's really no way to treat a guest, Pam-"

"No- you- just shut up and get out of my sight or I swear I will skin you alive and turn you into a fucking coat."

"Wow-" He pushes me off his lap and stands to full height with no Delguissi-slouch. "As flattering as that is I'm going to have to decline, and I think you might want to reconsider as well-"

"Don't you dare tell me what to do." Snaps Ivy, entirely focused on him as I get to my feet- I have a really bad feeling about this. They can't fight head on; they're both…too much.

"Oh goodness, I would never-" J presses a hand to his chest, feigning shock. "I wasn't giving you an order, I never give orders, do I Harls?" I shake my head no and Pammy's eye twitches. "I just wanted to inform you that I've got an incendiary grenade somewhere on my person and I'd hate for it to go off during my flaying- that really would be tragic, wouldn't it?" He snatches the bamboo off the table and Pam's eyes go to pinpricks. "This lovely…cactus? I don't know- is this a tree? Whatever- either way I doubt it it's a fan of napalm!" He chuckles.

"You're bluffing," She spits, her tone near acid. "there's no way you have space for one of those in that abomination of a jacket."

"Oh of course not, it would ruin the lines!" He strokes the ill-fitting tweed- now that I think about it, I'm almost entirely sure he had tailored that way. "Good thing pockets aren't the dapper man's only hidee-hole..." He tweaks a brow in the following horrified silence. I'd like to say I'm sure that he's lying, but he's spent an absurd amount of time in prison, and holy fuck if he isn't lying, I'm going to kill him- throwing yourself off a building is one thing but this?

"You can't be serious." Ivy looks like she might vomit.

"I do admit," He chuckles. "Seriousness is a challenge for me... but are you going to bet your babies on it?" Her face hardens immediately and I think she's about to throw caution to the wind, but then her eyes dart down to the bamboo in Puddin's hands and she closes her eyes to take a long breath.

"Just leave. "

J cracks a grin and at this point I kind of want to push him out the door because she could still decide to end him and I don't see why we need to test that. But also I'm just antsy to get home with him because it's been months, and even though I thought he was Devin he did some really good things in that alley, like REALLY good.

"Was that a pun?" He's giggling now, and I should really have just dragged him out when I got the idea in the first place because the wisteria is dancing again, and the bamboo is starting to jitter-

"Get OUT!" The vines lash forward like fifty woody cat-o-nine's, stopping just short of a strike. She's obviously still not sure about the grenade that might be up my boyfriend's ass, but that's not a guarantee of safety and he's just grinning like an idiot, so I decide to take action.

"Ok!" I grab handfuls of his jacket, and I give a tug toward the door. "Lets go Mistah J, you hungry?" He gives an inch at first but he goes stock-still when I start talking and he swats my hands away before I can finish.

"Why am I not surprised." This statement seems self-directed, but the next is clearly addressed to me. "I was lying when I said I did this for you." Well that hurts, but it's not exactly a shocker. "Do you understand, cupcake?" He mocks the sweet tone he used earlier. "I don't want you- you cheated on me."

Oh my god. I'm gonna fucking k-

"You dumped me!" I screech, outrage shredding my filter.

"That's not how this works and you know it." He snaps. "You're staying with the plant."

"No she's not!" Ivy's declaration has me spinning to face her- she's got her arms crossed and a haughty tilt to her chin as she stares me down.

"What the hell, Red?" I sound more exasperated than outraged this time, but she shakes her head at me.

"Harley- it's not that you're work, its just that I spent months trying to get you back up on your feet, and as soon as I did, he showed up to knock you right down again. So I'm tired, ok?" She shrugs, like that wasn't incredibly insulting. I'm about to tell her so when J interjects.

"Are you trying to imply that you had fixed her somehow?" He's grinning, jabbing his thumb in my direction. "Have you seen her?"

"Both of you SHUT UP!" It takes me a second of stunned silence to realize that I said that, and a little thrill of fear runs down my spine.

"EX-cuse me?" Gasps J, actually looking shocked for once- I barely manage to suppress my grin.

"Oh, YOU have no right to be excused for ANYTHING!" Ivy snarls, rounding on him with him, and something awful bursts in my chest. I don't feel in control of myself at all- this writhing mass of frustration, heartache, and longing takes the wheel, and I think it's trying to run me off a cliff.

"You-" I shout, whirling back on Ivy "this whole night is your freakin' fault! You started this, and then you picked him. You are literally the only person you can blame!" Her mouth pops open but I'm not about to let her argue, I ain't done yet- I could write a goddamn book about all the ways she's fucked up tonight."An' stop treating me like a chore, its rude!" Her mouth drops open again but this time its a bit more like shock, and that fills me with joy.

J laughs behind me, and I ignore the building fury on Ivy's face to turn on him.

"And you-" I stomp over and I grab him by the stupid freakin' bowtie, cause why not tempt fate? I'm on a roll here. "How the HELL was I cheating? It was YOU!" He grabs my wrists and twist them to make me let go but I am not letting him shut me up- "YOU made up Devin Delguissi, and YOU spent months COURTING Ivy for my hand in whatever the hell this is, and now you wanna' pretend you don't give a shit about me?" He refuses to budge his grin- god forbid he make my outburst satisfying.

''Well," He slides into a contemplative posture and his tone is irritatingly casual; he's obviously trying to provoke me now, and my nails dig into my palms. "I'm not sure 'pretend' is the right word-" He taps his chin like an ass.

"How many times has Lou made a doo-doo on your pillow?" It's the first thing that come out of my mouth, and I know it's kind of a funny thing to say in such an accusatory way, but its honestly not a ridiculous question. He scowls deeply, crossing his arms- thats right, Mr. Man, my babies don't like it when I'm gone, do they?

"…Seven, but I don't see what that has to do with your infidelity." He grumbles, glaring down at me over his pointy nose.

I match his glare right back- he can play dumb all he wants but I know what he's like when I'm not around. Maybe he doesn't mourn me like I mourn him, he still feels the loss; he just shows it different. He doesn't get sad or grumpy- last time he had a burst of productivity right after we broke up, but then he sort of dropped off the map for a bit. At first I thought that was because he laying low, and he was- but he was also a mess.

He still looked put together (except for the socks) but he'd lost at least three pounds because he forgets to eat, and he was spectacularly irritable. Thats right ladies and gents, I have a calming influence on him- at least in the long term. When I'm gone, all the little things fall to shit, and those little things pile up until he has to deal with them. Understandably that riles him up because suddenly he can't find anything, the babies shred his clothing and shit on his bed, and just to make it all a little worse he obviously goes into a state of semi-starvation, which is more than enough to make anyone grumpy.

He wouldn't say it in a million years but he's gotten used to relying on me for certain needs- unfortunately those needs aren't as sexual as I might like, but I think he's developed some sort of appetite for that too. It may not be a normal appetite, but since when is anything about him normal?

I know him, and I love him, but I am not letting him pull this shit today.

"Have you started buying new suits yet?" I assume a casual pose of my own, arching my brows and resting my weight on one foot. I want to scream at him, but I force myself to ask it like the interest is innocent and his grimace deepens.

"What!" he throws his hands up. "I can't treat myself now?" Deflecting again.

"Is it because your favourite ones are dirty or torn?" He purses his lips, and that mean's I've hit something- why the hell would I stop shooting? "Or are they just lost because everything's a mess?" No sooner have the words left my mouth than he yanks me forward by the collar of my dress.

"I THRIVE IN A MESS!" He roars this like he doesn't lose his shit every time he can't find something, and I don't really have any choice but to lose my shit right back. So I crouch down to yank up the legs of his trousers.

"YOU CAN'T EVEN MATCH YOUR SOCKS!" I point at the offending ankles, which are sporting lime green dinosaurs on the left, and hot pink smileys on the right. He scoffs, kicking me off his leg, and rolling his eyes- me thinks she doth protest too much.

"That was an aesthetic choice, you INGRATE!" He spits, turning his nose up, and is he really going to keep pretending that he's ok with all of that just to spite me? YES! YES HE IS!

"Y'know what? FINE." Blood is pounding in my ears and the corners of my vision are falling to a red haze. I have no idea what I'm about to say when I open my mouth, but I know i'm going to regret it- "If you don't let me go home, I'm gonna fucking fist you dry and pull the tab on that FREAKIN' grenade myself!"

Oh, that was so much worse than I could have imagined. At least Ivy enjoyed it- she's trying ardently not to laugh. He doesn't seem to know how to look for once- but it only lasts a second before he giggles, and a grin splits his face.

"…Is it just me or is she really hot right now?" He quirks an eyebrow at Pam, and she promptly slaps him across the face with a nearby aloe. He cackles in response, which is, as usual, not a very diplomatic move.

"GET OUT!" She roars, and this time when the vines whip forward they weave themselves into a wall.

I don't have time to think about how cool that is before its shoving me back and I narrowly avoid a tumble, scrambling for the door after J, who tosses the bamboo over his shoulder on the way out. I dodge the projectile plant, and a stray vine lasso's it, pulling it to safety before lashing out again. I slam the door closed just in time to avoid a sizeable welt. I don't know what I'm expecting to see when I turn to my infuriating other half, but I didn't expect scrutiny- He stands with his arms crossed and his head to the side, eyes narrowed as they flit over my facial features.

"You look awful." He says.

"I feel awful."

There's a twitch at the corner of his mouth.

"What would you have done- if the plant let you go to bed like you wanted?"

"I woulda' cried for a real long time. But I woulda been waiting for Pammy to go to sleep so I could sneak out and find you." He brings his hand up slowly to prop it on the door behind me, blocking out the yellowed light from the hallway bulbs.

"And what would you have done if you had found me?" His voice is black and slick like oil, and it coats my skin, making me shiver.

"I'd a' brought you a gun." I'm not sure if those are my words or if he drew them out of me somehow. As if to confirm the suspicion he inhales, and then next bit tumbles out of my mouth.

"And a knife."

"…Mhm?"

Oh this is good, this is very good. My hands are starting to shake so I clasp them behind my back, feeling like I can't quite fill my lungs.

"I Woulda' set em down at your feet," I'm leaning forward, I can't help it. "and I woulda' told you everything I did." He quirks an eyebrow, wordlessly questioning my honesty, and I know I really have to give it.

"I knew it was wrong an' I went anyways." That's true, and the guilt roars up again to squeeze my throat. "When I looked at him I wanted to vomit cause he was like snippets of you all sewn together with cheap thread, but part of me wanted him, cause I thought maybe if I squinted my eyes or got really drunk he could be you for a while-" I run out of breathe and the next one that fills my lungs is rushed. "Then I could forget for a few seconds…" My eyes sting so I squeeze them shut, and he knots his finger into my hair, pulling to turn my face up for a better look.

His attention stokes a heat in my belly even as it twists.

"I'd tell ya' how much I hated myself for that, how I wanted to step into traffic when he was walkin' me home. An' then in that alley I made the biggest mistake of my life. I'd wanna' ask for forgiveness, oh god, I'd want to beg for it-" His grip on my hair tightens. "but I know I wouldn't deserve it. So as much as it would kill me, I wouldn't ask you to absolve me. I'd wait for punishment, and I'd take it." The silence is jarring after the sound of my ragged voice, and suddenly my breath is way too loud. He doesn't move, just stands there with his fingers digging into the back of my neck, pupils like saucers.

I know that look.

I love that look- you could even say that it's my favourite look, and sure, maybe I don't get to see it so often but you better believe I pay attention when I do. That look is a window of opportunity, a very small window that could snap shut at any moment, so if you think you see it, you have to move on it.

"If I had done that," I cross every finger and every toe, I wish on a thousand stars and eyelashes- "what would you do?"

There's another second of silence but he cuts this one with howling laughter as he throws me over his shoulder, knocking a torrent of giggles from me as he races down the hall to the stairwell.

Well, I guess its no more Mr. Nice Guy.