I'm baaaack! More in the Author's Note. Theme song is "Counting Stars" by One Republic.
Chapter 70: "Research"
Rowena set down her teacup and leaned back into the couch. "Well, she wouldn't be the first to seek catharsis in a scene. Generally, it's recommended that a person work out that kind of issue before dabbling in BDSM, but I'm not the only professional in my field to recognize the potential."
Loki watched her carefully, turning the teacup around and around in his elegant fingers. "But is it a good idea? It seems to me that I am just as likely to do further damage as I am to help."
She nodded. "That's always the case with this kind of relationship, but the fact that you recognize it is a very good sign."
They stared at each other for a long moment, until Loki glanced down and spoke again, quietly. "How will I know when I've gone too far, though?"
She sighed. "I was afraid you were going to ask me that," she sounded non-plussed.
He raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
"Because," she leaned forward and plucked up her teacup, "it means you haven't been using a safe word, as I suggested."
Loki glanced to the side, exasperated, and opened his mouth to speak, but she beat him to it. "Oh, yes, I've heard it all before: A real dominant doesn't use safe words. Real masters don't need them. Bullshit."
His other eyebrow joined the first at her use of profanity.
"This is exactly why you should use a safeword. So you know, without a shadow of a doubt, when you have gone too far. I should think that much would be obvious," she continued to rant.
Loki frowned a little. "It's not just me, you know. I don't think she would go for it either."
"Well then don't make it an option," she suggested. "You're the Dom, make it clear that this scene is conditional on her agreeing to use it if need be. Granted, she may try to be macho and not use it when she should, but that's on her and not you. Make this clear beforehand." She shook her head. "I suppose you haven't discussed limits, either, have you?"
"Actually, we have," he put in.
Now it was her turn to lift her eyebrows and sip her tea.
"I brought up the subject of what I was not comfortable with while... during Her time, and Natasha volunteered the same information. I was unaware of how much it irritated her when I left her alone. I mean, it's kind of the point of it, but she expressed that it was beyond the level I had intended."
Rowena smiled. "That's good. That kind of communication is necessary to make these things work. Normally, I would also suggest that you go over a scene in detail before enacting it, but in this one instance I do think surprise is necessary."
He nodded and sipped his tea contemplatively. "The trouble is, I'm not sure what I'm going to do."
"Well don't try to do it off the cuff, no pun intended," she warned. "You'll need to plan it out down to the last detail ahead of time. That way, you'll have everything you need ready. There's nothing saying you can't improvise, especially if it seems to be too much for her, but it's always best to start with a plan."
"That all makes sense," he ran a hand through his hair, "But I'm kind of short on ideas. The main element of the dream has been ruled out, and I don't know what to replace it with."
"Research," she advised. "You may be surprised how much can be reproduced with illusion."
He grinned, "No, I probabably won't be."
She laughed. "I suppose not."
Loki glared at the computer screen, frustrated. He was justifiably proud of his advancements in using Midgardian technology - he had easily surpassed both Thor and Steve in a very short time - but his skills seemed to fail him now. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't seem to get anywhere in his 'research.'
Every time he thought he had found a good link, it either required a monthly fee to enter the site, or was laughably unrealistic. He had wasted a good two hours sorting through one website before realizing that all of the texts it contained were fictional.
Even the retail establishments he found did not seem to be of much help. The limited supplies they offered were obviously of inferior quality. He sat back, fists clenching, the urge to throw his laptop across the room rising to intolerable levels...
Suddenly, his bedroom door opened. Tony walked in, obviously laughing at something Thor had just said.
"Have you no concept of knocking whatsoever?!" Loki demanded, his rage at last finding an appropriate target.
To his surprise, Tony just smirked. "Why, are you doing something naughty?"
Loki's eyes narrowed. He looked from the intruder to the offending laptop, and then back again. Crossing his arms, he leaned back in his chair. "You meant to catch me?" Accompanied by his raised eyebrow, the tone of the inquiry questioned Tony's motives.
"Correctamundo." He took a few steps into the room and closed the door. "You see, when you first got that laptop, Pepper had Jarvis keep an eye on the internet use, to prevent the little miss from being scarred for life. Problem is, the watchdog program is still on there."
Loki glanced at the computer, still looking as though he would like to end it. "So you were notified by my activity," he reasoned, "But you also would have known that it's my week, and I doubt you're much concerned with my... purity. That is, of course, assuming that I am not forbidden...?"
Tony laughed. If Loki was hoping to make him uncomfortable, it wasn't working. "Fuck, no. And I think even Jarvis knew better to stand between a man and his porn, but he was a little concerned by the ... flavor of your choices."
"Oh?" Loki examined his fingernails nonchalantly.
Tony saw right through the bluff. "I have a theory. I think you're doing research."
Loki's eyes flicked up to meet Tony's in surprise, and he grinned. "I knew it. You're trying to get inside his head, right?" he pulled up a foot stool and sat.
"What?" Loki frowned.
"Pierce. You're figuring out the sick bastard, right?" Tony's eager expression dimmed a little as Loki continued to stare at him blankly.
"No, that was not my intention," Loki said slowly.
Tony glanced at the screen, something clicking in his head. "Oh." He frowned. "But you are doing research?" he sounded confused.
Loki looked non-plussed. "I take it Natasha has said something to you about my preferences?"
He shrugged. "Mostly figured that out on my own. What are you reasearching for?"
Leaning back in his seat, Loki regarded Tony thoughtfully. "For Natasha." He watched as Tony processed that, realized that Natasha was perfectly capable of doing her own research.
"But... you were specifically looking at elements of the mission..." he trailed off, a look of mild horror coming over his face. "You mean to recreate it," he said, deadpan.
Loki sighed. "It was her request," he explained, choosing not to elaborate specifically what they were recreating. Let Tony think what he liked.
"Don't take this as an endorsement, but have you considered seeing a shrink about this?" Tony joked.
He laughed. "Been there, done that," he joked back. "Dr. Bryardie was the one who suggested research. However, easier said than done," he gestured with frustration at the laptop.
Tony stared at Loki, crossing his arms. "Do you love her?" he asked.
Loki laughed. "What?"
"Do. You. Love. Natasha. Simple question, yes or no."
"Why do you care?" he abandoned any attempt at levity.
"Because she's my friend. And my team-mate. I don't want her to get hurt, at least not any more than she wants to," he chuckled. "I can help you with this, but I won't unless I'm sure you have her best interests in mind. So. Do you love her?"
Loki stared up at the ceiling, blessedly free of posters now, and thought. "I don't know," he answered honestly. "I feel something, but it's a very selfish emotion."
"Do you want her to be happy?" Tony asked.
Loki met his glance. "Yes, but only if I'm the cause of it. If it were someone else..." he clenched and unclenched his fist.
"Even Her?"
Loki looked surprised, as if the idea had never occurred to him. "That... rankles less, somehow."
Tony chuckled. "Alright. Good enough for me." He snatched a piece of scratch paper off the desk and scribbled down a number of websites. "You should be able to find what you're looking for here," he said, and held out the paper.
Glancing down the list, Loki frowned. "And how is it you are familiar with these particular sites?"
He shrugged. "Kinky ex-girlfriend. s. When you've been around the block as much as I have, eventually you see it all. Not my thing, really, but different strokes for different folks, I guess."
Loki smiled at that. "Indeed."
"Well," Tony slapped his hands on his thighs and stood up. "I will leave you to your... research, then."
Loki looked up at him. "I trust you will be discrete about this?"
"As long as you promise not to use it for evil," he wagged a finger teasingly.
Something about his choice of word stirred up eddies in his memory. "I promise," he said seriously.
"Sure thing, then." He opened the door, gave Loki one last assessing look, shook his head, and left.
Loki let out a long, shaky breath. Tony had tread very close to thin ice, and he remembered belatedly that the genius had a talent for getting under his skin when he had a mind to. Smiling wryly, he began to type in the first of the suggested URLs.
A/N: Somewhat short, but better than nothing, I suppose. Sorry for the delay in posting, I've been busy fighting the two-front war of real life and writer's block. I'm more than a little intimidated by the next chapter, so I won't try to make any promises as to when it will be posted. I, too, have been doing extensive research, and Loki's frustrations are somewhat echoes of mine. But after 71 I think it's pretty much downhill.
Thank you guys for being so patient while I figure this all out. It means a lot to me.
