Cooper drops me off at school the next day before he heads to work. I pay close attention to my studies seeing as I had skipped yesterday. I'm falling behind in a lot of my classes after everything's that's been going in my life. Truth be told I'm secretly hoping that I'll somehow manage to get myself a decent acting gig and maybe a contract so that I could just quit school together. But I know that it's not very practical, so until some miracle happens in my life, I need to keep my head in the game.
I take a bus back to Cooper's and do some studying while he's still at work. I go over just about everything until it's cemented in my head, but even by the time I'm finished with all of that I'm still alone in his apartment. I lie around for a while and watch some trashy reality TV, but it doesn't take long for me to snap back into reality.
I take out my phone and turn it on for the first time in days. I have 25 missed calls from Hunter and my voice mailbox is full. I don't bother listening to any of my messages, but I know that it's about time that I call him back. I'm nervous and I kind of don't want to, but at the same time I'm dying to hear his voice. I know that if he disappeared on me for a few days I'd be freaking out like crazy, so it's only fair that I contact him sometime. I dial his number and wait for him to pick up.
Just when I think he's not going to pick up, he does, "Sebastian?"
Just hearing him say my name breaks my heart. I can hear everything right away, the pain, the worry, he sounds broken in a way that I've never heard him before.
"Hunter..." I reply, drowning in emotion.
"Oh my god, baby...Where are you? Are you alright? I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I'm so sorry, baby. I swear I'll never hurt you like that ever again, please come home." He rushes all his words together as though he's afraid that I not hear them all.
"Hunter, I, I don't even know what to say. I couldn't take it, but I missed you the second I left. I'm just, I don't even know. I need you, but I don't know if that's the best decision for us."
"Sebastian, sweetie," he replies, his voice going from panicked and terrified to soft and consoling, "I know that I really fucked things up with you. I lost control of myself in a way that I am beyond of ashamed of. But if you could just somehow find a way to forgive me, or even just come back home, I promise that I'll never hurt you like that again, under any circumstance. Just give me one more chance and I swear that I'll make everything better."
"Hunter, I'm scared..." I answer, trying not to sob, "I love you, I love so much. But you have to understand that things are really complicated with me, and you can't seem to really handle that or be able to trust me."
"I want to negotiate with you about some things, but I'm afraid to try. Things aren't anywhere near perfect between us, but I, I just need you back. Can you please just come home so that we can talk about it?"
"If you promise that we can discuss things calmly, like mature adults, and it's not going to be a fight. And it doesn't mean we're back together if I come home tonight." I set my rules down nervously, sharp pains in my chest.
"Yes. Absolutely. We can leave it at that right now. Do you need a ride home?" He replies with a sigh of relief.
"No, that's alright. I'm not sure when I'll be there exactly, but it'll be some time tonight, okay?"
"Yeah, okay."
"I'll see you later, then?"
"Yeah. Bye."
"Bye." I reply, feeling weird without following that with an 'I love you'.
I sigh, feeling suddenly guilty. I have to tell Cooper that I'm leaving, and I'm not even sure how. I'm still not certain about him, but if nothing else, he's done a lot for me these last few days. And honestly, I have some kind of backwards feelings for him. I could never tell him because I wouldn't want to hurt him. I know that I could never love anyone the way that I love Hunter, and bringing up the subject at all would just be building him up just to tear him down.
I call up Cooper looking sadly out the window.
"Hey, Sebastian, what's up?" he answers cheerfully.
"I know that this might be a bad time, and I'm sorry, but I'm going to head home. I appreciate what you've done for me more than I can say, but I need to go back and face my problems."
"Wait," he replies, a drastic change in his voice, "Why? I thought you and your boyfriend were totally over."
"I never said that," I mutter mournfully, "I'm not sure what we're going to do. We're not even back together or anything, but that's where I live so I'm going to head back so we can talk about it. I can't just hide forever."
"Fair enough. But be careful and don't let yourself get sucked back in. I don't want to see you get hurt again. I'm here for you, you know. You don't have to rely on him for anything."
"Thank you, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm gonna head out now, but I'll call you again tomorrow, okay?"
He sighs, "Just be really careful, okay? I'm worried about you."
"I will. I promise."
"Okay, bye." There's a hollow sadness that makes me feel that much more guilty.
"Bye."
I head down to the bus stop and wait to be taken back home. I have a knot in my stomach, panicking a little over the memory I had with Hunter. But my love for him has always been stronger than any pain that he's inflicted on me, and I have to keep in mind that that's the reason that I'm going back. I feel beyond unsettled the more that I think about it. I just hope more than anything that things go smoothly between us. I can't take another blow out with him, I know that I would break instantly, likely beyond repair.
I get on the bus and take a seat, my hands folded tightly together. I look out the window and try to stay calm and not think too much. I'm beyond nervous at this point, I'm terrified. I need to get my life back on track with or without Hunter. I have to be able to be ready to somehow survive if things don't work out. I try to tell myself that it would be just like how it was before we met, but I know that's not the case. It's like being stabbed, in a way. You're fine before it happens, but when it does you instantly suffer. It hurts more than anything, but when you pull it out, you bleed out faster. I try to dismiss the thought, trying to see all the good things about our relationship. It's a lot harder than it sounds, though.
