AKA the stupidest reveal in the history of ever.


Hypotheticals


"Hey, Adrien? Would you tell me if you were Chat Noir?"

From his seat by Nino on the puffy corduroy couch, Adrien choked on his tea, nearly spitting it onto his controller. Nino snickered as he gained the upperhand in their Pokemon battle, blissfully unaware of Adrien's alarm.

Adrien's eyes dilated to a pinpoint as he watched Nino's Dragonite drain half his Bulbasaur's HP in one fell swoop. Nino knew he was Chat Noir? This meant he knew, right? What else could it possibly mean? He knew! What was this then, some kind of friendship test? Adrien was being tested right now. Oh god, what a nightmare. Nino knew and of course he was hurt and he wanted to know what the hell Adrien was thinking keeping such an enormous secret like that from his best friend. He was upset that he'd been kept out of the loop, and Adrien's answer to this loaded question may very well determine the course of their entire friendship from here on out…

"Dude, it's your turn."

Adrien started when he realized Nino was staring at him, and that the game was idling as it waited for Adrien to select Bulbasaur's next move. "Right," he laughed, and selected one without really looking. All the movies in the world hadn't prepared him for the intricacies of friendship. Whatever was an unlucky black cat to do? "Um… Nino?"

"Yeah bud?" Nino was watching intently to see how much life was sapped from Dragonite by the leech seed attack.

"I probably… wouldn't."

"Wouldn't what?" Still intent on the leech seeding.

"Wouldn't tell you if I was Chat Noir."

The attack ended, and Nino let his controller drop into his lap. He leaned back into the couch cushions, hitting Adrien with a nigh unreadable expression. "How come?"

"Well." He drummed his fingers on the armrest, feeling as panicked as he had on the day he'd had to take his chemistry final without studying because of a surprise string of akumas. "If I was Chat Noir," he said carefully, cryptically, "then I'd probably want to tell Ladybug before I told anyone else. They have this… thing. Maybe once I told her, then I'd be free to tell you. Besides, it'd put you in danger to know. You'd probably be an idiot and run out into battle trying to help me or something," he added with a bit of a laugh.

At that, Nino broke into an infectious smile and punched Adrien in the shoulder. "Yeah, you're probably right. I wouldn't blame you, I guess. For not telling me."

Warmth filled Adrien's chest, even as his Bulbasaur keeled over in a dead faint due to Nino's icebeam. What had he ever done to deserve such a friend? Nino had basically just confronted Adrien about lying to his face for two years and then just accepted Adrien's answer without a negative word against him. Nino was so.. so awesome. How could he even be so awesome? It didn't make sense. He was being too chill about this. Not even Nino was that chill. Something was up.

"I don't understand," Adrien finally managed, setting aside his controller on the armrest. "Why are you being so cavalier about this?"

Nino eyed Adrien's controller with offense, like how dare you, we aren't done battling yet. "What do you mean?"

Adrien stared, willing his best friend to show some sort of emotion. Why wasn't he upset? How long had he known? How did he even figure it out in the first place? "Aren't you mad?" he demanded. To be honest he was starting to get a little peeved at Nino's nonchalance about the whole thing. This was a big deal!

"Mad about what? Why would I be mad?" he laughed, pointing at his Dragonite. "I won."

"No, you dummy, about me being Chat Noir!" He waved his arms dramatically, gesturing at himself to draw Nino's attention away from the pixelated stadium. "About me not telling you. About keeping secrets from you. About me being Chat Noir. Why are you being so cool about this? It's starting to weird me out!"

Completely thunderstruck, Nino's mouth fell open. "I'm sorry," he drawled, glasses falling askew, "did you just say in complete seriousness that you are Chat Noir?"

"Yes," he hissed, very glad that they were currently home alone at Nino's apartment so that he could treat this situation with the true freakout that it called for. "Why aren't you mad at me for keeping it from you? Do you just… not care?" He added the last part quietly, letting a bit of his hurt sneak it at the last second.

"Not care?" Nino yelled, falling off the couch and tripping over the coffee table before he could right himself. "Bitch I didn't even know!"

"What? Wait, what."

"I should be the one saying what!" Nino shrieked, running a full circle around the coffee table to end up in front of Adrien. "How can you just drop something like that on me? What is wrong with you?"

Adrien shrank into the couch cushions, thinking back over the last five minutes with a huge flutter of doubt. Could he have misread the signs? "You asked...I thought…" He pointed weakly at Nino, then himself, then shrugged. "I thought you knew!"

"What the hell made you think I knew?"

"I thought you were using a hypothetical question to test me!"

"Adrien, ten minutes ago I asked you if you would eat me if you were a zombie!"

Adrien remembered that, of course. He had labored over his response to that question as well, also convinced it was some sort of friendship-test. Eventually he had been honest and admitted that yes, in the event that he was turned into a zombie, he would probably eat Nino.

"So you weren't… You didn't know?"

Nino had gone all silent and was staring down at him thoughtfully. "No. I didn't."

"What are you thinking right now?" Adrien worried.

"Shh. Trying to picture you with cat ears. Hey, here's a hypothetical. What would you say if I told you that I was your precious Ladybug?" He bent over cackling as Adrien went white as a sheet and fell to stammering like a drunkard. "Sorry, sorry," he laughed, "I just wanted to get back at you, since you shocked me so good. Oh my god, you're so hopeless. I'm not Ladybug, you dolt."

Adrien looked away from him, flushing harder than he ever had in his life. "I knew that."