This one shot's got it ALL. It also gets a little steamy so if you're not about that then I would skip this chapter. If you are about that... buckle up boiii.

Also the title of this fix comes from the Infected Mushroom song of the same title.


Can't Stop Making Bad Decisions


With her usual post-akuma cheer, Ladybug watched the little purified butterfly flap away down the hall of the school, waved off her lingering fans, scraped Alya from her arm, then ran away. Chat Noir had gone down the eastern corridor when his ring started beeping, so she had a good inkling of where to find him. Sure enough, when she slipped into the dark costume closet near the backstage entrance to the school theatre, an already detransformed Adrien swore the most vanilla swear ever and knocked over a rack of accessories in surprise. When he shot upright a feather boa was still draped across one shoulder.

"Ladybug!" He caught a brief glimpse of her before she clicked the door shut behind her and locked it, throwing them into near darkness. Only a small emergency light hanging above them lit the space. "I think I just about had a heart attack. How did you know where I was?"

Marinette sauntered over to him and pulled the feather boa around his back to pull him into a quick kiss. "Because you're predictable as heck."

"Whaaat? I'm not predictable. How dare you. This is just a really good hiding place, not to mention convenient. It's smack dab in the center of the school."

"Plus you filched a key for it last year."

"I'd like to see you prove that." Adrien ducked out of the boa and guided her back until she was up against the wall, then rested one arm above her on the wall and one at his hip. "You know, these post-akuma meetups have been one of the biggest plusses about having no more secrets from each other."

The shamelessly sultry look he was giving her set her skin on fire, and dimly she heard her earrings beep their five minute warning. But she was a little too preoccupied with Adrien's breath tickling her face to concentrate on detransforming herself. Though, she wouldn't dream of giving him the satisfaction of knowing the effect his extremely Chat behaviour was having on her heartrate.

"You just like all the extra flirting time it got you," she joked.

Adrien waggled his eyebrows at her suggestively-though it was mostly buildup for the incoming pun rather than actually suggesting anything. "Come on, I know you like it when I get all chatty."

Without missing a beat, Marinette crossed her arms and said, "You don't know that. I'm pretty sure I have never once said or implied that I enjoy being incessant flirted at."

"Oh please, it's obvious." He wasn't the least bit dissuaded, which made Marinette want to wipe the smug little smirk off his lips. (Maybe with her lips).

"And why's that?" she ground out. (Okay, yes, definitely with her lips.)

"Because when you first found out I was Chat you screamed and kissed me." He leaned even further over her, shrinking her view of the costume closet to include only his shit-eating grin and his wide, dilated eyes. "Actually…" He squinted his eyes playfully. "Now that I think about it, you might have gone on screaming while you were kissing me."

"And I'm going to scream right now if you don't stop talking."

Adrien considered this, then said: "If you're going to scream can it be while you're kissing me?" Then he gave her a quick wink to let her know he was just screwing with her before straightening and turning toward the exit.

But the next thing he knew he was being dragged backwards as Marinette screamed quietly in that scream-whisper way he never knew was even possible until he met her, and then shoved against the same wall where he so recently had pinned her. There was no time to utter a word of confusion before she crashed into him, delivering the scream-infused kiss he had so cheekily asked for. Hysterical laughter bubbled up in his throat and it quickly spread to her, dissolving them both into a laughing pile of arms and legs. He expected for her to pull away, then, conscious of the passing time and the impending notice of their absence by their friends and teachers. But she didn't, and his hands settled at her back.

"Did you ever… daydream about this?"

Adrien stopped halfway toward brushing a strand of hair from her eyes, and blinked down at her with affection. "Kissing you senseless in some random dark closet at school? Yeah. Oh yeah. I see you laughing, bug-you think I'm joking but I'm not."

Marinette bit her lip, an act which elevated her cuteness factor to a dangerous level. "No, I meant…" The room may have been dark but he could tell her face had gone as crimson as her spotted suit. "You know what! Nevermind. It's nothing."

"No wait, tell me! Please? Princess," he added gently, taking her face in his hands, using Chat's nickname for Marinette pre-reveal to remind her that there was nothing she could say that would surprise him. They'd already aired all the most surprising secrets.

"Okay, okay," she relented as his eyes bore into hers. "I meant: did you ever daydream about this?" She gestured at him and then at herself, at their position with her leaning on his chest and him resting on the wall, less than an inch of space between them.

"Kissing you in a closet," he confirmed. "Definitely."

"Adrien, I meant kissing Ladybug. Like this. You, and me." Her smile grew coy. "Back before we knew, did you ever wonder about the possibility of meeting Ladybug as Adrien and getting lucky?"

The guilty squeak that came out of his mouth almost made her snort.

"Lighten up, kitty, I'm not going to be mad. I'm asking because I used to daydream about that all the freaking time. Meeting you as Ladybug, finally having the confidence to sweep you off your feet…"

"Oh my god, me too," Adrien groaned, and plopped his forehead on hers. "Marinette, do you realize that we could have been making out as Adrien and Ladybug the entire time, even way before we swapped identities?"

"So much wasted time," she lamented.

"Agreed. Let's not waste any more." He smirked and cinched his arms around her waist, hauling her upwards into a kiss.

She giggled into it, speaking against his lips. "Dang, that was actually pretty smooth. I think you leveled up."

Shivers traveled down his spine from the point where Marinette was playing with his hair near the base of his neck. His back slid just a bit farther down the wall and he lifted her just a bit farther onto him, hands sliding from her back to her thighs, encouraging her to wrap her legs around his waist.

"Leveled up from what to what?"

The extremely new position she now found herself in was one that might normally have had Marinette's heart hammering so hard she'd need a defibrillator. But something about the spots helped her keep cool and collected in the face of a total physical meltdown. She curled one arm behind his neck and rested the other on his chest where she toyed with his shirt collar. "From charming to debonair, of course."

Ladybug just called me debonair. Help. His knees weakened, sending him another inch down the wall. When she brought her lips to his, he slid all the way down.

To her credit Marinette went on kissing him, unphased by the sudden collapse of her boyfriend, shifting even farther onto his lap until her own knees were pressed to the wall near his hips. Every little bit of attention she gave to his lips had him groaning with approval, which she took as permission and encouragement. Soon they were both robbed of air as they traded turns ravishing each other, back and forth with heated breath, pecking then licking then delving then biting then panting for breath and starting again. After a minute of this, Marinette's earrings beeped once more. Three minutes left. Adrien whined, biting a little harder on her lower lip than he meant to. He'd been so thoroughly lost in his old fantasy come to life that he'd almost forgotten it was nearly over.

Marinette, who was very lost herself, whimpered at the love bite and twitched her hips involuntarily into his. At which point she choked and froze. Because she'd just brushed up against his Very Obvious Boner.

For the first time ever.

With the most intimate part of her body.

And in the .5 seconds she was allotted to process that milestone, Adrien performed about three chalkboards worth of calculations inside his head to figure out exactly what they had time left to accomplish before her transformation wore off. The answer was a whopping Lot of Stuff.

Ha, and they said you wouldn't need math in real life!

Adrien made a sound suspiciously like a purr and lunged forward, sweeping her off her knees and onto her back on the carpeted floor, poising himself above her with a catlike gleam in his eye before closing the distance once more. Marinette squirmed under him, and her skin-tight suit ensured that he felt every contour of her lovely body rubbing against his own as she did so. He moved to her jawline to pepper it with love and hissed her name in her ear when she boldly stuck her hands in his back pockets and rocked his hips down into hers. She responded in kind, whispering his name into his hair while he teased the neckline of her suit, consciously fighting the urge to grind himself against her rough and hard.

...Which was rather difficult, since her hands in his pockets seemed to be trying to goad him into doing just that.

"You're torturing me on purpose," he accused, returning to her lips and tasting them with unconcealed desire.

Marinette smirked in an exceedingly Ladybug manner, and said, "Well, I'm not torturing you on accident."

Despite himself, despite their position and his raging hard-on, Adrien wrinkled his nose and busted a gut laughing. He only stopped when Marinette grew frantic below him.

"Shhh!" she was pleading.

"What? Sorry, was I t-?" Marinette clapped a hand over his mouth, gesturing behind her at the locked door that led out into the hall. And Adrien now heard what she had been hearing: the unmistakable sound of keys being put to use.

A great variety of thoughts occurred to them in that split second of terror.

First and foremost: Ladybug and Adrien and Agreste were about to be caught making out in a dark closet. This was a big fuck-no for a plethora of reasons, including but not limited to: Marinette and Adrien were dating. In the eyes of the beholder, Adrien would be cheating. Or on an even scarier vein of thought, the beholder may connect the dots and learn Ladybug's identity. The craftier of the bunch might even deduce that he was Chat Noir. So yeah, Ladybug and Adrien getting caught locking lips was like seventeen different kinds of fuck-no.

They came to this simultaneous panicked conclusion as the person with the keys found the one they were looking for and inserted it into the lock. Still propped up on his arms above her, Adrien met his girlfriend's wide eyes. He had two options here and less than one second to pick between them.

One, he could let himself get caught kissing Ladybug as Adrien. Fuck. That. Everyone would think he was cheating on Marinette, and to top it off he'd probably be shipped off to Timbuktu by his father just to save face after the inevitable media hayday. Either that, or everyone would connect the dots and figure out one or both of their identities. Shudder.

Two, he could transform, which was literally the only thing he had time to do, and get caught kissing Ladybug as Chat Noir instead. Not ideal. So far they'd managed to keep the more intimate developments of their relationship from the public eye, wary of Hawkmoth and his tendency to take advantage of their emotional attachments to each other. Not to mention the insatiable journalists (more like the insatiable Alya) that would come clamoring for the details of their romance. Getting caught kissing would mean sacrificing this privacy.

In the end, which situation was preferable? Now that question was easy for him to answer.

But underneath him, Marinette's brain was hauling ass in fourth gear in the opposite direction.

One, she could do nothing and let them be caught as is; Lady and Adrien, getting hot and heavy in a closet. Yeah no thank you. Ladybug, a powerhouse role model for women everywhere, would be transformed into a sex symbol overnight. Absolutely not happening. Not in this lifetime, anyway. Either that, or someone could connect the dots and either realize she was Marinette or that Adrien was Chat. Talk about nightmare.

Two, she could transform, which was literally the only thing she had time to do, and get caught kissing Adrien as Marinette instead. Not ideal. Their civilian relationship was anything but secret, but in the interest of staying out of magazine articles and the critical eye of Gabriel Agreste, they had always saved the majority of their physical affections for closed doors. Getting caught in a compromising position like this would be both embarrassing and unwelcome.

In the end, which situation was preferable? Now that question was easy for her to answer.

"Transforme-moi!" they whispered in tandem as the knob began to turn.

Then each gaped at the other in confusion and shock as Chat replaced Adrien and Marinette replaced Ladybug. Somehow, this fourth and completely unaccounted-for option was the worst of them all.

"Change back!" Chat and Marinette scream-whispered at each other, but it was far too late.

The door had begun to open.


SOMEONE HELP THESE UNHELPABLE LOSERS. AHHH

I really think Adrien would prefer to be caught in a compromising situation as Chat because of his father, and Marinette would prefer it to happen as Marinette because of what Ladybug represents to her fans. When I thought about that last scene I just couldn't help writing this. Post reveal relationship would be hilariously complicated as they tried to navigate their four different personas in public without screwing up. Too funny.