Chapter 18: An Inn Near Shiz, The Beginning of Summer
This had gone on long enough. At first, he'd gone along with it. Fiyero was ashamed to admit that she had upset him with the things she had said, despite the fact that she'd obviously only said them for that very purpose. For a week or two, he truly had been angry. He'd remembered how she'd lied to him about the potion she'd taken, or the way she'd told him that she didn't care for him, that she only used him for his body. He'd even believed that for a moment. But when it came down to it, he knew that the conversations they'd had were more than just small talk. People who didn't care about one another simply didn't talk the way they did.
His anger had cooled - but hers hadn't. Fiyero could look at her again and think fondly about her smile or her voice. The only ways she looked at him were either with desire or annoyance. He knew she must feel more than that, but he didn't know how to bring it out again. He understood that the decision he had made bothered her, but he wouldn't tell her it was a mistake. Fiyero didn't believe that, and he couldn't pretend he did.
Summer holidays loomed only a day or so away. He was to spend one last night with Elphaba before catching yet another cargo train to the Vinkus. Fiyero couldn't bear the thought that she'd hold that anger all summer. By now, however, he knew it wouldn't fade on its own. Leaving the subject alone had done them no good, only added to the tension between them. While the tension made for intense lovemaking, he had to break it.
"Elphaba," he said quietly, turning towards her.
She had rolled over, presumably to go to sleep, only moments ago. Her eyes fluttered open and narrowed at him. "What?"
"We should talk about this problem we've been having."
"What problem? We're doing what we're supposed to, are we not?"
He swallowed back his frustration. She knew exactly what he was talking about, and her refusal to acknowledge it only irked him. "If you don't want to admit to it, fine. But we were getting along well before. And now we don't even talk if it isn't to arrange a meeting."
"That's probably for the best."
"Well, I don't like it."
"Well, I don't care." She moved as though she meant to turn back over.
"No," he said, grabbing her shoulder. "We're going to talk about this."
"About what? I don't care about you. I never did. This is a pointless conversation. My caring about you has no effect whatsoever on our ability to produce a child." Elphaba rolled her eyes. "I'm not talking about this."
"Oh, no? Then what do you intend to do? You're stuck in here with me, and I'm going to talk about it."
"Fine." She shrugged and folded her arms across her chest. "Talk. I don't have to care or to listen."
That was probably about as good as he could get at the moment, so he took the chance. "I realize that you don't like the decision I made, and for that I'm sorry. In that moment, there was no way to know what might happen, and maybe you're right - with what I did know, I could've walked away. But I'm glad I made the choice I did, Elphaba, because we got to know each other better, because we talked and laughed and genuinely enjoyed each other's company, whether you want to admit to it or not."
"We were friends," she said simply. "Not… nothing more."
"I'd take that over this," he told her. "But I do want more. I've begun to feel more. And I've felt that way for quite some time. So I'll never wish I hadn't made this choice, Elphaba, because I love you."
She appeared to freeze at his words for a moment, not even breathing for what must have been a whole tick. Then she slowly cocked her head towards him, and he saw the hardness in her gaze crack. It didn't disappear, but he'd started to break through. "That's foolish," she murmured. "You couldn't possibly."
"Why couldn't I? Perhaps I shouldn't, but it doesn't mean I can't. And I do love you. This argument is the thing that's foolish. We were starting to really feel comfortable with each other, to act as lovers. I want that back."
"Fine. Suppose you do love me. What's to say I feel the same? Who are you to assume that I might? Just because you can satisfy me physically doesn't mean there's more to it."
"You let me in, Elphaba. You talked to me, told me about your life and your hopes and fears. I've known you enough to realize that's not something you do for everyone. I'm sorry if my decision hurt you, Elphaba, but we were different. I know it wasn't even a year ago, but things have changed so much. We both hid things from each other and made stupid choices. But I love you. I want you to let me back in. Please."
She looked down for a moment before gazing back at him. "Fiyero, you took away the biggest choice I might have been able to make."
"I didn't take that. Your father did. I merely made my own choice. I can't say what I would've done if I'd known how badly you didn't want it, how much you wanted that choice. It does hurt to think you regret it."
She shook her head. "I… I don't. That's what makes me so angry, Fiyero. If I could go back, knowing what I know now, and I actually had a choice… I don't think I'd change it. But it wasn't my decision, it was my father's, and I shouldn't agree with it. I don't want to."
He grabbed for her hand. "But you do."
Elphaba nodded. "I do. Maybe not for the same reasons as my father."
"Forgive me?"
She took a deep breath. "We shouldn't, Fiyero." But her hand squeezed his. "This only makes it more dangerous and more complicated."
"I realize that. It's worth it. Denying it won't help us."
"You want me to love you?" She asked.
"I want you to stop letting anger get in the way of whatever you were feeling for me." Yes, he wanted her to love him, but he didn't want to press too hard.
"I don't know how I feel about the choice you made, Fiyero. I know that now, it doesn't matter. But it hurts me to know there was a chance to make it."
"Every choice in the world was ripped from you. I understand that. Most of them probably weren't even for the better. I like to think, despite the wrong intentions, that this one was." He pulled her into his arms.
She pressed her face into his chest and whispered, "I think maybe it was."
He kissed her softly. "I never apologized for ruining your dress," he thought aloud. "And it did look quite nice on you."
"It did stir quite the reaction from you, didn't it?" She laughed. "It's fine, Fiyero. I wasn't fond of it. I mean, I didn't mind how it looked, but I felt so stiff in it. And don't expect me to apologize for biting you."
"Mmm, I don't." He ran his fingers through her hair. "I was a little rough with you that night. I will admit that I, too, was a little angry. You did bother me when you said you didn't care for me."
"I know. That was the point. I didn't want you to argue or to fight for me. I wanted you to leave me be. It was the only way I knew how to get that." Elphaba's fingers traced the diamonds on his chest with only a whisper of a touch.
"I want to fight for you. I'll always want to."
"And I'll always hate that."
Fiyero checked the time and groaned. "I wish you could come back with me. I wish… I wish this stupid prophecy never existed. That way, there'd be no law against us. And we could do this the right way."
"I think I like the wrong way," Elphaba commented. "If we had courted traditionally, I don't think we'd have ended up quite so intimate so quickly, no? That's not very proper."
"I somehow doubt that you would've cared what is proper." He laughed lightly. "But no, we probably wouldn't have jumped into bed."
She placed kisses along his chest. "Of course, I still would've liked you without that, but it does make things a lot more… interesting." One of her hands slipped below the blanket that fell at their waists and she wrapped her fingers around him. Elphaba gave him a mischievous look before pulling the blanket away and lowering her kisses.
"Fae, you know we…" He wanted to tell her that they had both been warned many times not to do what she was about to do - it was a waste of his seed. He'd been lectured any number of times about the fact that, when he was with her, he should never spill his seed anywhere but in her womb. And this could lead him to finish elsewhere… but as her mouth closed around him, he didn't have it in him to stop her.
Only later did he bother to say something, and she only laughed. "Don't be absurd. My father, your parents, our lives are no longer up to them. We'll do what we want."
"Like love each other?" He ran his fingers along her shoulders, smiling.
"Like that." Her head rested against his shoulder.
"I'm going to miss you these next two months or so."
"As will I," she admitted. "I'm going to be stuck in that dreadful room beneath the rectory. At least I'll have my books." Elphaba clung to him. "Fiyero, this is insane."
"And I don't care." He kissed her forehead, then asked suddenly, "What happens when you get pregnant?"
"My father pulls me out of school and sends me to some mauntery where all the maunts have taken a vow of silence. Or perhaps to my great-great grandparents' estate. No one will tell. I'll have the child. He'll make sure it's cared for and protected and I'll come back, I suppose."
"And us? He won't care if we ever see each other again."
She frowned. "No, I don't suppose he will."
"I don't want you and our child being sent away from me, Elphaba."
"Well I can't stay here pregnant! People would see!"
"What if we took you back to the Vinkus? Kiamo Ko is so isolated. Only my family and maybe one servant would even see you. I'd fake an emergency and drop out of school for the time being. I could be with you."
"Fiyero, no. Don't. Finish school on time."
"You have to take a semester off. So will I. It's only fair." He insisted. "I'm not abandoning my pregnant wife and I won't have anyone take you from me."
"This is all hypothetical and in the future, remember?"
"I do."
"And my father… he won't go along with this."
"We'll find a way. I will."
Elphaba sighed. "You are overconfident." Then she laughed again. "You're trying to be Yero my hero again."
"Perhaps." He closed his eyes, felt the warmth of her in his arms and smiled. "I don't want to let go of this feeling right now, of us." Fiyero kissed her again and again. "I love you." In only a matter of minutes, his life had gone from miserable to perfect. He didn't want to let that go. But the thought that they only had hours before he left for months loomed over him.
"Fiyero, it's just the summer. Although, if you decided to stay in the dorms and meet up once in awhile, I'm sure it could be arranged. My father would actually probably be pleased - more chances for us to get pregnant."
"I couldn't. It would break my mother's heart not to see me. I'm her only son."
Elphaba nodded. "It must be nice to have parents you actually want to see."
"Oh come on, Fae, he can't be that terrible all the time, can he?"
She raised her eyebrows. "You've seen what he's like here."
"And he's never any different?"
"Maybe with Nessa." Elphaba shrugged. "You should see how he dotes on her each time she attends church. He must miss having her around dreadfully now that she's living at Shiz. But I'm glad she's living in the dorms, even if she's a pain some of the time."
"Really?"
"My father practically brainwashed her into the faith. The more time away from him she has, the more time she has to figure out that our father's version of religion isn't the most important thing in the world. She hasn't seemed to figure that out just yet, but maybe eventually. I only hope it's not too late."
"Do you hate him, Fae?"
"No. I don't. I couldn't. He's my father. I love him. I just don't like his religion and the things that it's made him do. I dislike religion in general, Fiyero. It warps people, changes them. For what? I mean, his religion told him to do this, to force us to happen. And yes, maybe it worked out so far. But what if it had been just a dream? He pushed me into a marriage, into bed with you, risked both of ours lives for a dream?"
"It's more than that. My parents saw it, too."
"But he didn't know that, Fiyero! And you took your choice. I understand that, no matter how I feel about it. You're not the one who forced me to do this. And this isn't the only thing my father forced on us. He insisted on traveling the country when we were young, going on missions. He dragged us to Quadling Country when the Gale Force was stationed there. It was hardly safe there. But his silly little god told him to."
"That silly little god told him about this, too."
"I don't think so, actually. If his god is all powerful like he thinks, no one else would've seen it. But your parents did. Possibly the Wizard, as well. And they don't worship the Unnamed God. If this is true, then something bigger than that is at play here."
"Whatever it is, I'm grateful to it."
"We are now," she replied softly. "But this could get very dangerous very quickly, my dear. We have to be careful."
