Chapter 01: Ah shit this Self Insert stuff was real?
I opened my eyes to a scenery of sewage and rats. "HOLY SHIIIIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!"
"Kel, relax. Be quiet or they'll find us!" A young dusty kid came waltzing up to me from the right.
My eyes widened. "Who the fuck are you?" I asked pointing at the dusty kid.
"It's me Kytes, man Kel. Practicing down here in the sewers is starting to mess you up." He pointed at me.
I raised an eyebrow and looked around at the scenery again. It was a mellow dim tomb with the sound of running water. I'd come to my senses soon after remembering what had happened and my little training session before appearing here. It was funny because I thought all of that was a dream, you mean to tell me I was actually training to show up here in the Final Fantasy world fo-real? (Mind explosion)
"What the hell are we doing down here?" I shrugged.
Kytes cocked his head to side looking at me like a confused puppy. "Uhh...you wanted to come down here, to practice against the rats." He said pointing at the oversized turd sniffers.
I felt sick to my stomach upon seeing them. "Oh uh...hell no kid. Let's get outta here. That's...that's nasty." I grabbed the kid by the shoulders and shoved him towards the exit, or what I thought was the exit. The large black rusty gates.
How did I end up in this situation again? Oh yeah, I remember sitting in front of my PS3 playing Final Fantasy 12 and I had the thought: "Vaan is the shittiest main character I've ever seen in a Final Fantasy game. I could do a better job than that." A flicker here and there, then I got this costumed freak show standing in front of me asking me if I really could. The guy looked a lot like Caius from Final Fantasy XIII-2.
Instead of asking how this guy popped out of nowhere and how he got into my house, I just replied; "Yeah, I could."
Next thing I know, I get knocked out and wake up in some weird realm where I'm practicing with a katana. Now I'm here, I guess the wish has come true. I'd be a little more excited if I didn't know all the shit that the party goes through in this game. Not looking forward to meeting some of these people.
Kytes and I made our way through Lowtown which smelled like ripened shit and stale piss. And made our way to the Bazaar, I know that Kytes has errands to run for Migelo and Vaan sends him away here. But I kinda wanted to see what would happen to him if he didn't do the errands. Since I'm officially now the main character, I wanna see what would happen if Vaan had more balls. I'm gonna do the shit that Vaan couldn't, say the things that little pussy was too scared to say.
"OH YEAH!" I raised a fist.
Kytes raised a brow. "Uh, Kel are you feeling okay? You're acting kinda weird today."
I felt on my tie, making sure it was straight. The fact that no one was surprised by my clothing was a mystery in itself, but I didn't dwell on the matter. "Yeah, I'm okay little man. Let's..."
As we were cutting through the Bazaar, a bustling place with many kiosks and different races waltzing about. There was a loud british accent wafting through the crowd. It was an archadian guard harassing a fruit peddler. He was pointing at his face, slapping him over the head and yanking on his collar. There were two of them, the knights were clad in metallic armor with swords at the hip.
The people surrounding the scene tried to turn their heads and look away, pretending not to notice. "I hate those archadians. Why don't they go back to their own land?"Kytes like a toddler kicked a pebble out of frustration.
The scene was tragic, but I was still marveling at how beautiful this place was. Sandy dusted off buildings with a hint of ancient egyptian design. Weird looking civilians, the Seeq and Bangaa race looked terrifying. It gives me chills just to look at them, the Viera are every bit as beautiful as I imagined. But they are all tall as hell, they look like their 6'2 without the ears.
I put my hand on Kytes' tormented shoulder and stepped down behind the metal soldier with his helm mask turned up revealing his long and mishapened face. I got close enough for me to listen in. "Huh?! What'd you say?" The guard shouted grabbing the vendor by his collar briskly. The little vendor curled up to a whisper.
"Y-You haven't paid for it...sirrr..." He was damn near in tears. A sorrowful sight.
"Huh? Haven't paid?" The soldier repeated.
That's when I stepped in. "Can't ya hear, cunthole? You ain't paid...give the man proper penance you deaf fuck."
With that the second soldier turned and glared at me, he was surprised I'd gotten so close to them while he was looking out. The soldier dropped the apple he was eating then turned to face me. "And who are you suppose to be...churl!" I shouted stepping up to me. We were both face to face, close enough to almost kiss.
"The guy whose got yer nuts." I whispered in his face.
I grabbed him by his shoulders and shoved my knee into his groin. His eyes rolled to the back of his head, as he dropped I held left hand up which clinched sheath of my blade, I drew it fast causing sparks to shoot off from the top rim of the sheath and held it to the second soldier's neck. "Ah ah ah..." I said holding up a finger then pointed at the vendor. "Pay em." The second soldier trembled, he reached into his pouch and pulled out three coins then tossed them on the counter of the vendor's stand.
I grinned twisting the katana to his neck again. "Now...pay me."
"We are soldiers of Archadia..." He boasted with that I shoved my fingers into his neck underneath his armored helm causing him to gasp for air as he dropped to the ground., I grabbed the pouch of gil from him as he writhed in pain on the ground holding his throat which he couldn't reach through his armor. "That's how Kel rolls, bi-otch." I said kicking the second soldier in the balls before walking off juggling the gil pouch in hand. "As if I'd do something so pussy as to steal a bag of gil and run off."
It was in this part of the game were Vaan spots the two soldiers harrassing the vendor, he steals their gil and runs off. Psh, well Vaan ain't Kel. I'm not gonna steal anything, I'm just gonna straight up take it.
I felt my blood pumping, my heart racing as I walked away from the scene juggling the bag of gil. I was scared shitless but I'd never felt so alive in my life. Kytes caught up to me. "Kel, we gotta get outta here!" He cried pointing behind us. I turned around spotting the two soldiers lying down holding their penises, they were pointing at me to five other soldiers who looked up at me at the same time. They were all holding spears.
"Oh shit." Me and Kytes said at the same time.
As if that was cue the knights bolted towards us sounding like a hundred clanking gears.
Chase Scene OST: "Moody Clouds-Mecha Factory" Rayman Origins OST
"Go!" I pushed Kytes forward and two of us went dashing through the busy streets.
There was an oversized stomping towards us, we both slid under it's feet. Just as we cleared the Bangaa, there was a group of Viera dancers and a wagon rolling into view. I looked back to see the archadians still following. Kytes and I at the same time leaped up onto a crate which two Seeqs were carrying. "HEY GET OFF OF THAT!" With that we platform jumped onto the rolling wagon and leaped again grabbing onto a high hanging Archades banner.
"Get them!" The soldiers behind us yelled.
"Hahaha...you'll never catch us, morons!" I yelled as we were swinging on the banner forward.
"Ugh...KEL!" Kytes screamed.
I looked ahead to see two dozen soldiers waiting for us to swing towards them. "AHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed. I grabbed Kytes under an arm then leaped off of the flag and landed down on top of one of the soldier's heads. I felt a bunch of hands trying to grab and pull me down. Like stepping stones I hopped on their heads one at a time. WAP! POW! BAM! SWOOT!
While still disoriented from met stepping on their heads, Kytes and I dashed up east end and hid two large pottery vases in an alley waiting for the soldiers to pass. We watched them run by screaming and cursing. Once they were gone we both popped the tops to the vases. My heart was racing. Kytes and I looked at eachother then burst out laughing together.
"Did you see...that was fucking awesome!" I laughed slapping my forehead.
"Yeah!" Kytes said with a nod.
Our laughter had come to an end with a harsh but young feminine voice had taken the moment. "That wasn't funny! And it's not funny now! You both have responsibilties! What are you going to do when they lock you up in a dungeon! You two probably can't even show your faces in public anymore now!" I looked back seeing a little blonde haired girl, maybe 16 in age with pigtails.
"Penelo." I remembered her from the game.
"And Kytes! You've errands to run for Migelo have you forgotten?! He's gonna kill you." Penelo screamed pointing at him.
"OH MAN! I COMPLETELY FORGOT!" Kytes whimpered.
"Hahahaha..." I pointed at him. "He's gonna kick your little ass."
"That's not funny, Kel!" Kytes hopped out of the pot and dashed off into the streets disappearing amongst the crowds leaving me and Penelo alone in the alley.
I climbed out of the pot and hopped down. "Ya know, if I were a rapist. You'd be in big trouble Penelo. You should wear more cloths kid."
Her little face turned red before she shoved her elbow into my side. "That's not funny Kel. This is really serious! The Archadians never forget a face, you won't be able to walk so freely in the city anymore!"
I shrugged." Whatever. I'll be alright."
"That's what you always say yet you always land into even bigger messes. " She lectured.
With that said, it kind of got me thinking about my past self in this world. Everyone seems to talk to me as if they know me very well, I wonder what I was like before I became all self aware and stuff. "Kel, Kytes and I...no all the orphans really look up to you. You're like an older brother to us all...if you're locked away in a dungeon." She sounded as if she were about to start crying.
"Penelo, relax okay. Nothin's gonna happen to me, so just chill." I shrugged again.
"Hmmm...I express my concerns for you and you just brush me to the side like always. Well, that's Kel for you. Anyway Migelo needs you at the shop for something. You'd best head over there. And try to keep your head down, hopefully the Archadians will let go a simple prank." Penelo said before walking off as well.
"I don't consider a kick to the nuts a simple prank." I said to myself rubbing the back of my head. "Well, let's see what Migelo wants...if I can find his shop. Man this place looks different from in the game."
Author's Note: First day as the main character and he's already fucking things up. This won't be a Final Fantasy 12 you know.
