Hey there!
In this chapter a major event in the history of Konoha happens. So let's see how Touka and the others deal with it, shall we?
Have fun reading!
Chaos
...
Chpter 18: Man Down - Break Down
And then one day the one thing happened, which Touka would have wished to not see in her life. She would rather have died than witness this rainy day.
It rained torrents, so much so that it seemed as if the heavens were weeping bitterly and forlornly. And yet nobody sought shelter from the rain, for the rain washed away all the tears a village could possibly cry.
Everybody was gathered - Touka's squad, the regular Shinobi and Kunoichi, clans people and civillians. Touka stood to Tobirama-sama's right, Mito with little Tsunade in her arms to his left; a row of flower-masks behind them. For a long while not a word was said as the crowd stared incredulously ahead; ideals shattered like glass, hopes burst like bubbles, collective minds empty with devastation.
The rain kept pouring.
Finally Tobirama-sama heaved a heavy grief-stricken sigh and when he raised his voice, it was bitter and grim: "Today...is a sad day for Konohagakure. Today...we have gathered to say goodbye to the one man on whose ideals this village was founded, who had made peace possible and who had always believed in the good in humankind. Hashirama Senju was a Shinobi extraordinaire, a role model to many, a poineer, a beacon of hope, a light in the dark. As First Hokage he has done many, so many deeds for the good of his people, the inhabitants of Konohagakure, even the whole Shinobi world."
He paused, then resumed with more resolve: "Today we may have lost a father and brother and grandfather and friend and mentor and clan chief and leader. So let us mourn the loss of the great Shinobi Hashirama Senju today. But let us not forget about his heritage, let us not make undone what he has achieved. As Second Hokage I, Tobirama Senju, will continue the path he trailblazed, and I will keep alive the 'Will of Fire' my brother has entrusted to us and lit inside our hearts. And I invite you to do the same." He then dedicated the statue of a giant flame, which was erected in Hashirama's name at the centre of the graveyard. Then another moment of silence was held, while the villagers quietly wept.
To Touka this whole day seemed like but a dream - unreal, blurry and devoid of emotion. Her mind was blank, yet she didn't cry a single tear like she would have expected.
And even days later she seemed out of it, as if sleepwalking or cushioned in cotton whool. Yet sadness would not settle in. And she could hardly accept that she'd failed at her one goal: to keep her clan chief and leader of the village safe. Every day she would march to the graveyard to assure herself this was real and to place fresh sweet pea and rosemary on Hashirama's grave.
Tobirama-sama on the other hand instantly threw himself into work, tried his hardest to fit in his brother's shoes as Hokage and kept himself too busy to think and mourn. Touka didn't bother him but left him some fern, daisies, pine twigs, crimson roses and zinnias as comfort on his Hokage desk.
And Mito?
She had retreated from the squad and the public completely. Every time Touka visited her in her quarters, she found her in tears. And when she gave her a similar bouquet like Tobirama-sama, Mito cried even harder. Sometimes she was just melancholic, spoke of her husband and how it was not fair that he had had to die so soon. Touka listened to her while she wept.
Together they remembered the times when he was still among the living; Touka told about Hashirama's youth and how it was to grow up around him, while Mito's words were full of love and longing. Mito was miserable, and became even more miserable day by day.
Finally, blinded by sadness and sorrow, she blamed Touka and her squad, that they had failed to protect Hashirama, that they were responsible for his death and that it had been their one purpose to make sure he was safe. She would insult her and throw things at her and wish she was dead instead of her husband.
One day Touka had had enough: "You know what? You're right. I should have died for him. But I failed, and so did you. We all failed. Hashirama, the First Hokage, is dead. Now we can commit Seppuku out of shame, or we can move on and focus on the duty of our organisation: to make sure the Second Hokage, Tobirama-sama, is safe. I don't know about you, but I think I can serve Tobirama-sama better if I don't thrust a blade into my stomach."
With her mouth narrowed to a grim line, Touka had turned around and left Mito alone.
So Touka soldiered on, alone. Well, her squad remained faithful and dutiful - minus Mokuren -, but Hashirama's death had dampened their mood. Some of them blamed themselves, others seemed to have lost purpose.
And yet amongst them there were two people who didn't falter and who stayed strong and unyielding. Sanzashi and Kingyosou. Touka secretly regarded them as the backbone of the squad then, and she relied heavier on them for support now. Given time, she placed more responsibility in their loyal hands, and they helped Irakusa shoulder the burden of their duties. They were in charge of mission assignments, scheming and organising the training for the new recruits.
Together with them Touka managed to whip her squad into shape, had them refocus and alerted them to their new old puropse: to keep the Hokage safe and eliminate threats from the outside and inside of Konohagakure. Soon the hawthorn- and snapdragon-masks became as famous inside their organisation as Irakusa's stinging nettle, and even throughout Konohagakure. Their identities were still a mystery, but people knew the squad existed and was permitted by the Hokage himself.
Now they could operate more efficiently, even received requests from Tobirama-sama sometimes. But let the the mission requests aside, he didn't talk to Touka much these days, and he didn't come find her in her chalet either. So Touka thought, if the Sennin didn't come to Mount Myoboku... the toads could go fuck themselves with a pinapple, and went to the Hokage office instead.
When she didn't find Tobirama-sama there, she left some flowers for him and returned another time. She knew that he was very busy with his team, and the new tasks and responsibilities as Hokage. And also that this was his way of dealing with Hashirama's death. But she wanted him to know she was still there.
Yet when out of ten times she finally caught him for the second time and wanted to place a bunch of anemones in his hands, Tobirama-sama snapped at her irritably: "No, Touka. No more flowers. Would you please stop. I'm not a woman who likes these sort of things. I don't get it, I don't get you, and I don't find it funny anymore."
Hurt and angry Touka threw the anemones at his feet, before she strutted off. "Suit yourself then, Hokage-sama. I'm out of here." The doors to his office slammed shut behind her.
Back in the secluded place of her chalet she finally was able to cry. It came as a surprise to her, but suddenly the tears welled up in her eyes and wouldn't stop. She leaned heavily against the door, slid down until she sat on the floor and surrendered herself to the tears. Silently they rolled down her cheeks, unstoppable, unavoidable.
She rubbed at her cheeks, but they kept flowing. So she let them and hugged herself instead as she quietly wept.
Maybe this was her answer; maybe this was what she got for being bold and jinxing her luck; maybe this was the ultimate reminder of where her place was. And had she not sworn off of her dreams and hopes and future when she had become a Kunoichi? Had she not accepted her fate and sacrificed everything for the greater good of keeping Hashirama and Tobirama-sama safe?
That was her Nindou, that was her duty, that was her decision for her life. She just had to live with the consequences now and until the very end.
Touka had thought she had accepted that long ago, but apparently that was not the case. She might have become a most ferocious and skilled warrior, but until this very day she had not been able to kill her heart. Not really.
She had hidden her true feelings, she had pretended otherwise, she had encrypted her heart and shown the world she was a soldier and not a weak woman. However, her emotions didn't go away; if anything they had become stronger, so strong that she had sought a let out and found it in the form of flower language and hidden messages. She had felt safe because the receiver of these messages didn't know how to decrypt them. But as soon as she had become bold enough to include her honest feelings in her messages, it had backfired on her.
Tobirama-sama had rejected her flowers, and thus rejected her heart.
"How pathetic. That's what I got for daring to attain what is not supposed to be mine. I should know my place, right?" she murmured to herself. "I should know better than to ignore what's befitting my rank. He is Hokage now; I'm hundred percent Kunoichi. So I should act like one."
She dried her eyes, heaved a sigh and put a grim grin on her face. "Alright. No more weaknesses like that. Now let's train until I drop. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and of this squad I'm not going to be it!"
