Author's Note: Hi, guys! I apologize for the delay, life got in the way once again. I hope to get another chapter in before the end of the summer before I head off to graduate school. But, as always, I will do my best to update as soon as possible! I also want to thank everyone who has read, followed, favorited, and reviewed! I truly appreciate the support and hope you enjoy the chapter!

Disclaimer: Song Quote from "Maybe" (By Sick Puppes). I do not own TMNT.

...

A Turtle and His Sisyphus

…..….

"What if I can't trust myself? What if I just need some help?"

...

"Stop flinching, Mikey! I told you it'd sting more if you fuss around like that…"

"It's not my fault! I didn't consciously think, 'Oh man let me make Donnie's day and mess up his perfect bandage and make it worse for me that sounds like a lot of fun'! Give me some slack, dude, I didn't mean to!"

"I know, I'm just messing with you. There, done. Once again." Tightly wrapping the final bandage over his shoulder he couldn't help but look at Mikey's puncture mark. He knew it was inevitable for Mikey to relapse again. Depending on how much is in his system can determine whether or not he could come back this time. Donnie knew Mikey was really upset over everything and didn't want to jump him right back into tests. He smiled warmly as he sat beside his younger brother. "You know….You can talk to me. I still have to run a couple of blood tests on you and would rather talk then sit in silence like you did last time with me."

Mikey shrugged. His eyes stayed glued to the floor. A part of him hoped that if he ignored it long enough that he wouldn't have to talk about it. After all, what else could he say? He knew he wasn't making things easier for his brothers. He can't help it; it's not like he doesn't want to remember. Hell, it terrified him.

Donatello watched his brother's hesitation. Mikey was usually very verbal about what he's feeling, making it strange for his outspoken brother to remain silent. Rising from his seat he began cleaning up all of the medical supplies. He cleared his throat, "So, Master Splinter is doing a lot better."

"That's good." Mikey said absentmindedly. What if I suddenly blackout again? What if I actually hurt someone? What if he hurt his family? Shaking his head from his thoughts, he grabbed one of Donnie's stress balls and began tossing it in the air and catching it. He remembered when he got Donnie it a couple of years ago on Christmas. He meant it as a half joke, and half a sign to (in his own words) 'use this to chill out and don't take it the wrong way either!'. Needless to say Donnie didn't appreciate his pun, but he has caught him tossing it in the air aimlessly every now and then.

At least doing something kept his mind from racing. Mikey noticed Donnie returning to his computer, silently focusing on whatever he was reading. He knew how much pressure Donnie was under. He hated adding any more stress to him, but in the long run, Donnie would be the one who'd listen to him.

"Hey, do you remember that time the four of us snuck out of the lair to watch the fireworks?" Donnie pondered. A small smile stretched across his face. His eyes remained on his computer screen. "It was Fourth of July? We had to be what, like ten?"

"Yeah," Mikey smirked. "I wouldn't stop bugging you guys to go. Raph and I were going to sneak out at first, until you wanted to see it too and that got Leo right along with us. We've snuck out before so we were pretty cocky about it, huh?"

Donnie laughed, shaking his head. "You were so excited. I thought Raph was going to shove your face in the sewer water. We had a lot of fun. Even though Raph and Leo bickered for most of the way there and back."

"Man, I think my arms are still aching from our punishment that Master Splinter made us do!" A push up for every minute they weren't home. That didn't seem too bad, until he made them repeat it over and over and again. And when training began two hours earlier than usual. He remembered how mad his brothers were about their punishment.

"Leo got in a lot of trouble for it, though." Donnie sighed. "You know, I know it's not my place to say, but..." He paused as he turned his chair over to face Mikey.

He was the observer, it was his job. He had to be the one to fix his brothers up after a fight. He was the one to back up Leo in a situation. Hell, Splinter made him head-of-house for a year and half. He wondered if Raphael ever felt insulted. Maybe he'll never know, but playing 'leader' was enough for him to respect and understand where Leo comes from. Does Leo feel the pressure every single day they're out on the streets? Or has it just been so numbed for all these years?

At least when Leo couldn't, Donnie knew he Raph's focus straight. Raphael's trust in his brothers is deep, but no matter what he knew that Raphael would always back up any plan that he had. Sure, he'd interrogate and question Leo on his philosophical leadership decisions—but not with him. Raphael trusted in Donnie's thought and action, and backs him up no matter the end result.

And when his plan didn't go the way he want, he knew he'd have Mikey to make light of the situation. That was Mikey's job—even if the jokes and the complaining were irritating, he kept everyone's sense of humor and optimism alive. It was an unspoken promise amongst himself, Raphael, and Leonardo to always look out for Mikey. Of course, being the second youngest brother, he knew that too applied to him. But with Mikey? It wasn't that they didn't trust his skill at all—it was who he is. The light in the darkest times, the one in all this darkest to never loose his sense of self.

Mikey never left for a year and half to a jungle in complete isolation until he was in complete perfection. Training every single minute until he felt he was worthy enough to see his own family again. Hell, sometimes he feels that Leo still beats himself up everyday for every single mistake he makes. He hated thinking about what Leo could be feeling now…

Mikey never went off in the dead of night alone to create a new identity for himself, hiding the guilt and shame he felt he brought. Even Turtle Titan didn't see and do the things I know Raphael had to do. I mean, look what happened when Leo confronted him… Donnie wouldn't dare ask details, or even bring up what happened, but the looks on their faces were enough to ensure the severity of it.

Mikey never had to witness the complete and utter destruction of their city, friends, and each other. Watching the pain and agony that each of his brothers faced in that terrible alternate universe—He would never wish for any of his brothers to see what he saw. To watch your brothers be slaughtered in front of your eyes? Whether he liked to think about it or not, that changed him.

True, together they faced unspeakable dangers and trials as a team. But, Mikey has had to the blessing to never experience the darkness. Yet.

It was that thought, and that alone that scared Donnie. Donnie couldn't, wouldn't, let the same thing happen to his baby brother—he was going to fix this.

"Uh?" Mikey mused, anxiously waiting for his brother to finish his thought. "Dude, don't leave me hanging. What's up?"

Leo was the leader. Raph was the fighter, the protector. Mikey was the heart.

"The pacifist. The fixer-upper. You're weak. You think you can suffice for your 'team' by being the provider…Maybe when this is all done, I can still use your brain for research. I'm sure that'll suffice for your lack of performance."

Donnie cursed himself for letting this guy get in his head like this. There were bigger things to worry about than some insults. Shaking his head, he looked back at his computer screen to examine the blood sample for the umpteenth time. "Nothing. Just thinking that's all. You must be exhausted, Mikey. Why don't you try and sleep for a bit?"

"Uh…Donnie?" Mikey's voice cracked. Standing up, he leaned against his brother's desk. His composure tensed up as he anxiously reached for Donnie's stress ball. "Uh, can you do something for me?"

"Hm? What's up?"

"If- I mean when," Mikey corrected himself. His tone was deep, his eyes looking back at his brother. "When I blackout, or whatever, again? I want you to…do whatever you can to stop me from hurting anyone. Or hurting you guys…I don't want to-."

"Mikey, that's not going to happen." Donnie reassured.

"Would you listen to me for a freakin' minute? Stop lying! You just said it might happen again! Stop pacifying me with what I want to hear, and let me say what I have to say, damn it!" Mikey didn't mean to snap. But, hell, how could Donnie stare at him and lie to his face? He could feel the pit of his stomach turn. Is this how Raph felt every time I annoy him? No, this was different. Donnie knew. Leo and Raph did too. He was most likely going to lash out again—maybe, he won't come back this time.

This caught Donatello off-guard. Turning his chair to face his brother, he watched as Mikey rose to his feet and paced back and forth. It was his habit—Leo's was staring in silence, Raph's was getting in your face until he intimates an answer from you (Very strategic at times)—he knew himself well enough to know that sometimes he can be a blunt and be stand-offish depending. Pacing at least help Mikey gather his thoughts, sure he can be impulsive especially with his feelings. Mikey on defense isn't pretty.

But, just maybe, he needed this. Instead of criticizing him for lashing out, maybe Mikey should be talking about it. Leo's got a lot going on in his own head, and Raph can sometimes come off too strong—Mikey always listens to me. Hell, we never argue. But with Master Splinter being ill, and now all this? Can't he see that we're all doing our best to help him?

Leo's doing his best to keep himself from cracking under the pressure. Sure, he can be a little stubborn and cruel even—but that's the responsibility he carries from keeping us safe. Mikey should know that, so why's he acting like Leo's against him?

Raph's doing his best from beating the crap out of everything and everyone, including himself. He's hard to show, but seeing Mikey like this is freaking him out. I saw the way he looked at me when Mikey was explaining what happened. He was looking at me, me, to tell him an answer. I think not knowing is getting to him.

And me? Who else is going to make Master Splinter better? Who else can run a blood analysis while making sure that I don't give Splinter a overdose of antibiotics? Everyone wants me to give answers, results—!

"The pacifist. The fixer-upper. You're weak. You think you can suffice for your 'team' by being the provider…Maybe when this is all done, I can still use your brain for research. I'm sure that'll suffice for your lack of performance."

Donnie felt himself grow more and more frustrating. Raising his voice, he snapped back, "I am listening to you! Damn it, Mikey, can't you see that I'm trying here? All of us, we just want you to be okay! What don't you get about that? I get it-."

"No, you don't. Stop saying you understand!" Mikey was done pacing. Standing firm, he crossed his arms and approached Donnie.

"I wasn't trying to say I did! I want to understand, but most importantly I want to get you better. And so do Leo, Raph, Sensei, and everyone else. We're all worried, and we all—well, you know, show it differently. We're figuring it out, but that doesn't mean we'd just leave you when this gets too hard…And, you know, I do know what it's like to not remember what you're doing. To turn into something you're not…"

Aw, crap. How could I forget? Donatello's mutation.

"I know you were kidding when you told me that I…Heh, tried to eat your leg. But, at the time, I was terrified. I kept thinking to myself, 'What if I actually hurt him?', 'What if I would never get a cure?', 'What if Leo has to…put me down?'. Sometimes, I still wonder if I'll ever relapse again too. What if I ever get another infection, and what if the cure wouldn't help me and I stayed like that for good? Of course, we have different experiences, but I understand that panic. But you want to know what got me through it? You. And Leo. And Raph. And everyone else too. You got me to laugh about it again, you helped me feel like everything I was experiencing was normal. I was, and still am, so grateful for that."

Mikey finally took a few steps back, his eyes back down at the floor. He hated fighting, he hated yelling—could this be the last memory has of his brother? Yelling at him when all he wanted to do was help? This isn't me…I want Donnie and everyone to be happy again. I want to get better, I want Donnie to finally be able to take a break from all this. Good job, Mikey! Now you got Donnie being all sentimental and upset. Good job.

Mikey's voice lightened. "Yeah, I'm sorry, I really am. I just…I want this to stop. I don't want to hurt you, or anyone else. It's my fault for getting myself drugged. I just…I'm sorry."

"Even if you begin…hallucinating again, Leo talked you back, remember? You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You just have to trust in us, and yourself. I'm doing the best I can to try and find some kind of antidote to help you—even if I can't, we know you were probably drugged again recently. We are more aware now, and as long as we keep an eye on you and the lair we'll just let it wear off. Okay?"

"Okay..I'm…I'm sorry, Donnie."

Smiling, Donnie placed his hand on his younger brother's shoulder. "Hey, it's no worries. You needed to let it out. You better head to bed before Leo thinks something's wrong. If you need me I'll probably be here, April's coffee always manages to keep me awake I have no idea what she puts in it."

"Na, I think just because it's her. She always gives you that extra 'jolt', huh?"

"I'm feeling awfully generous and allowing that one to slide, oh brother of mine. Sleep well, Mikey."

"Yeah. Thanks, Don. Goodnight, bro."

/././././././././././././././

"So, Leo's taking the first shift. Then it'll be me, then you."

"I'm always last. I'm awake now, why can't I just take first?"

"Cause' ya never sleep, Don. And ya know how Leo's been—good luck trying to change his mind."

It didn't matter how late it got. Raphael still felt the urge to just run topside and investigate every single Purple Dragon and Foot hotspot. How could he rest when someone is potentially plotting another attack? It just didn't feel right.

Donnie stretched as he rose from his seat. "Well, you can't blame me for wanting to try. How's Leo? I saw you two talking before Mikey came in."

"Eh, the usual. He's giving himself another ulcer, I'm pissed off. I think we should be out trying to find an answer before Mikey—well, before anything else happens, ya know?"

"Yeah. I feel like every time I come close to finding another answer there's always something else. Hell, I'm even trying to analyze the notes and hope that maybe there's an encryption in it." The skeptical look on Raphael's face caused Donnie to grimace. Sighing he began shutting down his computer. "Don't look at me like that. It helps. I'm keeping the security sensors on just in case, and I have the tracker set so that if he steps foot outside the lair that we'd know."

Saying their goodnights, Raphael finally returned to his room and collapsed on his bed. Hopefully, sleep will be enough to get his mind off for a while.

/././././././././././././././

"My son, I'm thankful for your safe return."

Splinter smiled warmly as he sat up in his bed. Once Splinter's vitals began improving, Donatello felt comfortable enough to have Sensei back on his own without any machines hooked up. He looked a lot stronger; at least the medication was working. But still, Leonardo still couldn't shake that sense of dread from Splinter's last talk with him.

"I trust you, my son. You know your brothers well. You will take care of them. Have faith, Leonardo. Just as I have faith in you."

It was a cold hard fact that crossed his mind in cases like these—that they were going to die one day. It was one of the first lessons he remembers learning. As a leader, one must accept fate as it comes. Hell, living the lifestyle he and his brothers do, Leonardo too knew the fact that he would not die warm in his bed. It's a fact that his brothers probably knew too. But, it was an unspoken truth. It would be done for family—and that makes it okay.

"Oh, so intimidating, Leonardo. The 'Fearless Leader'. The one who abandoned his family, twice might I add, to 'better himself'. The prodigal son. Always trying to be the best, to prove yourself worthy, honorable. To who, I ponder? Yourself? That rat you call a father? Your brothers?"

No. This is not the time to think about something some lowlife said.

"But I am deeply troubled with what you have told me. I fear for your safeties, especially Michelangelo. If he can be blinded to the point where he can no longer recognize us—there is a chance we may loose him."

He had to keep his mind focused on his family. Approaching Splinter, he sat on the chair beside him. "Yes, father. Raph, Donnie, and myself are switching off to stay up tonight just in case. Donnie still has that tracker on Mikey and doubled the security systems, including the camera, just in case. Leatherhead seemed to believe that Bishop's involved somehow. But, he's been silent for almost a year. The Dragons rumored that he got assassinated—why now? I just don't understand. We have no leads."

"If it is in fact Agent Bishop, the only lead he wants you to see is the one you refuse to follow." Splinter sighed deeply as he shook his head. "He wants to use your brother against us all…"

"There has to be a way to get in without doing that!" His voice cracked. His voice was desperate. "He's got to have a place in the city. He called us, maybe Donnie can track it. I should have kept a closer eye on him, on all of them. I promise, father, I fix this."

"My son, do not blame yourself. We all must work together to be sure there is no danger. In the morning, I will mediate with Michelangelo. Perhaps, he will be able to recall more information about what he experienced. For now, we all must rest. Including yourself, Leonardo."

"Yes, Sensei."

Maybe he too was getting a lit be wiser, Leonardo mused. It was like the calm before the storm, they both knew it would only get worse.

And yet, his father's comforting words made him feel like it would all get better.

I suppose that's the humor of life. The humor of our lives.

/./././././././././././././

Leaving his brother's lab, Michelangelo couldn't help but shake his anxiety. How could he just go to sleep knowing what could happen, and more importantly, what he's capable of? Though he never talked about it, he hated feeling like such a burden to the rest of his family. He could carry his own, and his proven that more times than he thought. Sure, he likes to boast a little about his Battle Nexus Champion status, but he never meant harm in it. He just wanted his brothers to be proud of him.

Walking up to his room, it was no surprise that waiting outside his door was Leonardo. Leaning against the door, arms crossed, he looked like he was waiting there for some time.

"Is this the part when you take out your sword and say, 'You shall not pass'?"

Leo looked up from his own thoughts. With a warm smile he examined his brother's bandage. "I've been wondering what took you so long. Everything go okay with Donnie?" He heard the argument, but Leo knew not to get himself involved. He's learned when to get involved, and when to leave it to them to settle out.

Oh, gee, Leo. Besides a few heated moments, me being a complete selfish jerk, and feeling like crap?

"Oh yeah, he fixed me up. Well, not the drug part but, hey, you win some you lose some, you know?" Shrugging, Leonardo stepped aside as Mikey entered his room. He almost forgot about the condition he left it in. The glass was all picked up though, he figured that was probably Donnie or Leo. His bed was still disheveled, even more so then before. His lamp didn't break at least; it looked like that was picked up too. Suddenly, a memory popped into his head. My journal. Oh no, my sketches. It's not here! Aw man I worked really hard on those. I thought I threw it at the mirror-?

"You're really good you know, at drawing. You captured each of us in such detail it's really, really, good."

Turning around Mikey found Leonardo flipping through his journal, all his sketches. He could feel his heard skip a beat. He never, ever, showed anyone his work. Even when they were kids and he drew his own sketch drawing of the Statue of Liberty and he said it looked like a balloon—he never wanted to show his own stuff! And now there was Leo was, casually flipping through the journal! His entire life work!

"I-I, uh, well those are just for fun!" Mikey stuttered as he began struggling with Leo to get it back. "Come on, dude! I don't make you stop training when you like it! Oh wait, sometimes I do, but that doesn't matter! That's mine!"

"Don't be so embarrassed, Mikey, I didn't show anyone else. I knew you liked drawing but I didn't realize how good you are." Giving his brother's journal back, he frowned. "Why did you make me look so mad? Do I always look mad? At least Raph looked focus in his, you made me look like I have issues."

"Aw, you don't look mad, Leo! That's your training face! It's focused! It's your own kind of focus!"

"Right." Leonardo watched his brother place the journal back on his side dresser, underneath all his comics. Mikey shouldn't have to hide it, but it was his decision regardless. Clearing his throat he sat on the end of his brother's bed. "I…I know you're not going to like hearing this but-."

"You are going to stay up all night and make sure I don't freak out again? Dude, it's okay. I figured that. It sucks…" Lying on his back, Mikey stared up at his ceiling. It felt like forever since he actually laid back and took a breath. Glancing over at his nightstand he found the clock glowed 2:00AM. "Hey, Leo? Do you think I will be able to remember? Like, everything that happened…?"

Leonardo sighed. "You remembered that note. Maybe you can, but it's been a long day. You shouldn't push yourself. You heard Donnie, sleep is a good first step."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Look, Mikey…"

"You don't have to say anything, bro. I know. Today was just a long day."

"I know it was. But, things between us have been pretty heated throughout the day, huh?" He tried to smile. He wanted to see his little brother laugh again. He hoped that maybe, just maybe, this night would end peacefully and that the drug will wear off by morning. But he knew that wasn't going to happen.

"Yeah, I kinda pushed your buttons, huh?" Mikey chuckled as a yawn escaped his lips. "I really, really, don't wanna go to sleep, Leo. You'll, make sure I don't freak out again, right?"

"I'm right here." Leo reassured. Taking one of Mikey's old bean-bag chairs he leaned in the chair and rested his head against the wall. "Everything will be okay."

We're all here for you, Mikey. And we're sure as hell not going to let anything happen to you.

/././././././././././././