"Fuck me," I whispered, giving him permission, taking him into my flesh, a soft invitation to madness."
― Emme Rollins, Dear Rockstar
...
I snapped. Like a rubber band. Here I was trying to hold everything together. Descent was not acceptable to him. Beautiful angel like me should be worshipped. Flagrant disrespect. I know I was suffering from some kind of superiority complex. I prayed on the weak, the confused, the disenchanted, the lust driven. My handy Lucille at my side...
"Why the fuck are you looking at Michonne?"
"What?"
"Stop looking at Michonne. There are other people here in this room. Look at them."
"Well, Well, what do we have here? Your name is Rick the man who killed his wife and her lover with one bullet. Colt? You still sticking to that story? I like liars. Lies will always keep you uncomfortable."
"I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about. Tell your story like everyone else. You have an audience and it consist of more than Michonne. I am not stopping you from talking but I will stop you from staring at her."
"Didn't take long to sniff you out, Richard Sinclair Grimes...Michonne. You and Michonne? I heard you when you said you would rather spend eternity in hell with Michonne than two minutes in heaven without her."
"Tell your story. Please tell us more about Lucille. Please tell us more about how Lucille is thirsty. She is a vampire bat!"
"You are..."
"Going to fucking kill you if you keep looking at Michonne."
"Try to kill me."
Behind my back they called me a son of a bitch, Satan, Lucifer...My story is driven by one's actions, thoughts, desires. As I was going to say my name is Negan. I was summoned to this little gathering. You all amaze me with constantly shifting your tales. Living on the outskirts of my little domain. Comparatively speaking...I would say this has been quite enjoyable to introduce myself even though there are two in this circle that remain unflinching. Very enjoyable. Hot damn.
...
"Lunatic." Michonne walked slightly behind Rick. They were walking through the parking lot to the old beat up pickup truck.
"Dead man." Rick stated.
"I wanted to stab him, Rick. I wanted to stab him 35 times."
"Michonne that is only one extra than what you stabbed your husband." Rick turned to look at Michonne as they approached the vehicle that they arrived in together.
"The extra is for making me think of Mike. I don't go around thinking about Mike. Negan made me think of him. That same look that was on Mike's face when he would watch me gasp for air. That look in Mike's eyes were right there in Negan's."
"I don't know what I would have done Michonne if he kept his eye on you a moment longer as he told his story. I would have tried to kill him, I know."
"He doesn't seem like he fights fair Rick. He seems very calculating. Everything he said tonight at the meeting seemed very deceptive."
"I would have died trying. No one is allowed to look at you Michonne, longer than 0.5 seconds. Anything longer there's a problem. If I had my colt I would have blown his ass a way with out thinking twice."
"I am glad you didn't have your colt."
"So he lives another day."
"Here. Give me the keys so I can drive. You seem really agitated, Rick."
Michonne's mind was heavy with thought and minutes passed between the two before Michonne spoke up again.
"Did you say that?" Michonne asked Rick.
"Say what?" Rick brought his full attention from the passing landscape to Michonne.
"You would rather spend eternity in hell with me instead of two minutes in heaven without me?"
"I didn't say it to him. I have no idea how he knew I said it. I said that to Ms. Mabel in the kitchen at the Mortuary. I said that to her about my feelings for you. The walking dead couldn't keep me from your side Michonne."
...
I am not sure what was going on with Rick. I think he was losing his mind again. He had bouts of being in a full on hypnotic trance. Sometimes I would have to snap my fingers to bring his attention to me. He spent a great deal of time in his head and it was apparent he wasn't well.
I wasn't mad at him anymore. I was. I was really, really mad, before we had left to go to the meeting.
We were almost late, if I hadn't found one last pair of clean panties, we were going to be a no show. I had only one pair of panties that didn't match my pink bra and I had to put them on. Blue panties. I didn't match.
All my panties were missing. All of my worn panties. It pissed me off to find them in Rick's bedroom under his bed, under his pillow. In between his sheets. Panty thief.
"Rick! Why are all my panties in here! What the hell?"
"Michonne!" Rick watched me go into a rage of rearranging his room. "You will put my room back together. Throwing my sheets all over the place? My pillows? Pushing my bed?!" Rick stood by his dresser as he watched me. He didn't try to stop me. Three of my panties were under his frigging pillow.
"These are not clean Rick." I faced him. I watched his face. I gazed into his eyes for any semblance of sanity.
"Are we really doing this right now, Michonne?" He had his hands on his hips.
"I have my last pair of panties on. After this I will be clammando."
"No panties? I see no problem with that Michonne. I think I would prefer a panty-less Michonne."
"You are a panty thief. I will never look at you the same. I will never trust you."
"You left your panties here. I did not take them. I did not steal them."
"Have you been sniffing them?"
"You got a problem with that?"
"That time you did it in the motel was one thing..."
"What's any different now, Michonne?"
"You don't see the problem, Rick?"
"It's your panties. No one elses. I really can't see what the problem is. If it is a problem than the solution would be, we fuck more and I would sniff less."
I wanted to jump his bones right then and there but I had to keep myself composed. We were in a staring down match. I loss that staring match that time. I had my small laundry basket with most of my underwear that I could locate. I didn't think to check his dresser or closet. I just knew when we got back from this meeting I was going to wear him out to the point he was going to admit being a panty thief.
I loaded the washer to do a quick cycle when I was jolted by a fleeting thought. A glimpse that startled me and I shook from the after affects.
"Stop it Rick." The air was light. The sun was out and the branches that held leaves shielded me from the brightly heated rays. The blanket beneath me was crumpling and my arms was being exposed to the prickling of the stiff grass underneath. Laughter. I was laughing. I was so happy. A happiness that's best experienced than described. I was in love. Crazy kind of love.
"You think a picnic just consist of eating sandwiches, drinking Starbucks ice coffee, complimentary of you," Rick was trying to maneuver himself on top of me. My eyes the color of the most fertile earth and his the most clearest sky, captured, absorbed, growing closer and yet not close enough. Never enough. "You are sadly mistaken, Michonne. Picnics consist of moments like this."
"People will see what you are doing. We are in a public park." I didn't move his hand as it ventured in the waistband of my jeans tickling my skin between my blue panties elastic band. His hands finding room to drift farther still, until it rested on the heated spot that began to moisten from the attention it was receiving from his knowledgeable finger tips. My hips moved upward against my will.
"Bold." I gasped. His touch was just right.
"Brazen." He responded with a half smile, his breathing was beginning to falter with mine.
"Forward." I challenged. I wanted so badly to be kissed by him but his lips hovered above my own.
"Familiar." Rick responded. His lips barely touching mine.
"Daring." I said.
"Michonne."
I gasped as one finger slipped inside of me. The words left me before I could reconsider them. There were no take backs. "I love you." I said almost breathless. Almost inaudible. Rick was silent for a moment. He was processing what I had said to him for the first time. For the first time my words reverberated back to me and even then it didn't capture the depth of what I was ready to endure for him. Only him.
This fragment disturbed me. I had to try to stay cognizant. A memory that seemed so clear, true and pure. Gone as quickly as it came. Out of no where it seemed. A version of me that seemed more real than the me of now. I was warmer then. I was more alive. Other fragments came and went after we left the meeting. I had no coping skills.
Sybil took over.
Next thing I know I am sitting on top of the roof with Rick holding his hand. We watched the full moon together that night.
...
There was a battle going on between me and Michonne. I don't know where this tension was coming from but it was hard to speak on it when we had so much to do. We were losing time. Sense of time wasn't like it used to be. The more apart we were, doing our job with the dead made us only more aware that time not together was almost excruciating.
"I wish y'all just simmer down. You and Michonne have been keeping up so much chaos, commotion and confusion. Why the hell you both can't rest, I have no earthly idea. Your souls aren't at peace. I thought Deanna would bring light on the situation but you two are too stubborn to take on the truth."
"If this is about the holes she put in the back, I said I will cover them up. I will Ms. Mabel."
"You really think this is about the 34 holes she dug in the back? Do you really think that is why I am approaching you Richard?"
"Ms. Mabel we go to the meetings because you told us too. We go and we talk about it."
"The story you tell to the group is not true."
"What do you mean. What do you mean not true? How would you even know what we tell, you aren't there?"
"You really think that Michonne killed her husband? You really think you killed your friend and wife with one bullet?"
The words that Ms. Mabel spoke caused my temples to throb. The throbbing became almost unbearable. Intense.
"I will cover the holes. I will cover all thirty four holes. I will cover them."
"Thirty four times you met up with Michonne. Thirty four time you cheated on your wife. Thirty Four times you lied to your wife. Thirty four times Michonne helped you to betray your vows. Thirty five times she betrayed her husband. Thirty five times she lied to her husband and betrayed her vows."
"Why are you saying Thirty five? It was thirty four times."
"She waited for you the thirty fifth time. She waited."
...
"I thought I was never going to get away." I saw a happier version of me. The happiest I could ever imagine possible.
"I called like you told me and said there was an emergency at the station." Michonne had the most beautiful smile that held mischief and the most incomprehensible calming effect over me as she drove us to the outskirts of town. The sun was out. She radiated and left me in wonderment, how have I ever lived without her.
"I missed you Michonne." I grasped her hand as she drove. She squeezed mine back.
"You always miss me. I think I missed you more." The curve of her lip going from shy at her admittance to firm declaration of the depth of her emotions. The pining away. Need. My chest swell then and now.
That tiny fragment of a memory hit me like a wave. I was engulfed by the magnitude of it all. There was a time that warmth ran through my veins. Blood. Hot blood. All senses were wrapped in one event and within seconds it was gone.
I had my first cognizant break down.
Negan's voice was in my ear.
"Bet ya thought you were all going to grow old together, sitting around the table at Sunday dinner in the happily ever after. No... doesn't work like that Rick. Not anymore." Negan mocked as I stood on the roof of the first tiered peak of the Mortuary, ready to kill myself.
"Now, look a there?" Herschel pulled up in the back of the mortuary when he noticed me pacing on the roof. Tyrese and Eugene were holding a blanket and Michonne was egging me on to jump. Sybil was egging me on to jump, I should say. Fucking Sybil.
"Do it. Jump." Michonne paced below going in the opposite direction shouting for me to take my life. The height was high enough as I recall to cause minor injuries but certainly not death.
"I love Michonne. I love her. Nothing will keep me from her. I will follow Michonne in to the depths of hell. I will be with Michonne. I want no one else. No one. Just Michonne." I could see the lashing of tongues, the eyes of condemnation caste about me but I stood firm. I didn't waver in my conviction. If Michonne was sin, I stood convicted...guilty of indulgence and an unwillingness to repent. I am and will always be a repeat offender. More memories began to drown me.
Tyrese and Eugene held a blanket hoping to catch me if I did decide to jump. I didn't jump. I fought with the demons that terrorized my mind. finding no calm until Michonne climbed up and sat next to me.
I have no idea what made Sybil retreat into the darkness of Michonnes mind. Michonne's hand clasped in mine. We sat on the roof together that night. Together we stared at the full moon.
...
A/N: This story is one of my favorites. I enjoy writing this and hope those of you who enjoy this type of tale find it just as enjoyable even though it is jarring at times. It was supposed to be a short story for Halloween but I will try to squeeze a few more chapters out to flesh out the theme.
If you have given up on this story like the others, I hope if you are really bored you give this or the other's another try. Thanks for reading.
