He eased himself onto a wooden bench, moments later joined by Matron. They'd crossed in silence under the clock tower, turning left to walk, unspeaking along the gravel path with the putting green to their right. The bench on which they were sat was under the concrete pergola, set back from the path and in almost total darkness.
He sighed, sensing Matron waiting for him to explain, but having the tact not to push. "I suppose," He paused, clearing his throat. "I suppose it started with the incident with the incident with Patrick Mavers and Alex Heath. I came so close to losing her Matron, so many times that day." He glanced at the woman sitting next to him. Her face was shrouded in darkness, he couldn't make out her expression, but the nod of the head showed she was listening. He continued. "Coming so close to losing her... It made me realise how much I loved... love her, and how I wouldn't be able to cope if she did actually..." He trailed off, unable to say the word.
"Gordon-" Matron uttered, but he cut her off. He'd started and he needed to finish, perhaps afterwards there could be a way out of the mess he'd created.
"Everything would have been fine, I think. But then there was Ted Sullivan."
"The man who lost his wife."
He nodded, pausing, collecting his thoughts. He had to make sure he explained himself properly. The reasons behind his actions had seemed so logically when he'd first formulated them, and begun to act on them, but now, going over them, having to explain it someone else, he began to doubt himself. "He was devastated. I began to think, would I be like him? I've already lost one wife Matron it was hard enough then. And I loved Caroline, I really did. But with Jill, it's something more, I can't explain it..." He paused again, breathing in deeply the crisp sea air, by now fairly chilly. He was glad Matron didn't speak, instead seeming to sense, with her characteristic and somewhat uncanny way of being able to read people, that he needed the silence to think.
There was no one about, the ball still in full swing, and the hour too late for anyone else to be out and about. A soft breeze caressed his face, providing much needed coolness against his heated skin, warm, despite the decreasing air temperature. He took a couple more deep breaths, composing himself before continuing.
"I came to the conclusion, that if anything happened to Jill, I'd most likely be worse than Mr Sullivan. And I began to think that the only way to prevent that happening was to distance myself from her. That maybe somehow, I'd be able to detach myself from her, somehow it wouldn't be as... hard... if something did happen. Sounds stupid doesn't it." He let out a harsh laugh, continuing before Matron had a chance to speak. "I stopped showing affection towards her, started ignoring her. I even left her when she was crying, begging me to stay. Oh Matron what have I done?!" He finished, unable to hold back the tears of bitterness and resentment towards himself, and wretchedness as what Jill must surely be feeling.
"Talk to her Gordon." Matron said quietly after a few moments, her tone surprising Gordon with its softness and understanding, holding none of the anger and disgust he was sure it would be laced with.
"How can I?!" He exclaimed, raising his voice louder than he would have liked in the silence. "How can I? She hates me. And... what if something does happen to her?"
Matron sighed, turning to face him, though neither could see the other in any detail. "Gordon... How would you feel if she died tomorrow?"
He inhaled a sharp, involuntary breath, shocked at the question and the idea itself.
"Gordon." She prompted when he remained silent.
"I... I don't know."
"Yes you do." She said with certainty. "You'd be deeply upset because you'd lost the woman you love. And more so because you'd know she'd died so unhappy, thinking you hated her because you didn't made things right when you still had the chance. Am I right?"
"Yes." He replied meekly, the words hitting home with force, at the same time creating more desperation within him. "But how can I make it right?! She hates me. She'll never be able to forgive what I've done to her. I don't deserve her forgiveness."
Matron sighed, but spoke patiently and firmly. "Jill loves you. You've her hurt her, very much, that's true. But talk to her Gordon. I'm not saying it'll be easy, or that everything will happen overnight, but you have to try, if not for your sake, but hers."
Gordon didn't reply, just took in her words, a glimmer of hope created within him. Could Matron be right?
