I wallowed in my despair for what felt like an eternity.
'How could I do this? How could I do this! Abandoning my own family, my kin, my loved ones. It doesn't make sense. I'm a monster, a freak of nature. No. I'm not any of that; I'm so much worse. I am selfish. You selfish, selfish bastard! All you ever think about is yourself. What about Mother? What about Father? What about dear Beatrice? Not a thought for them eh? You didn't even consider them and now, look at you! Wallowing in your own self-pity. You're a disgrace Caleb! You didn't just go and abandon them, oh no, that wasn't enough! You're a traitor! You are a traitor against your own family! You joined the Erudite! You are the enemy now Caleb. All those things you heard about the corrupt Erudite that will happen to you, in time no doubt, but oh it will. It's not a safe haven, how could you ever think such a thing. Erudite is hell! And you put yourself right in the middle of it.'
I scolded myself over and over. It drove me close to insanity to think of the pain I'd caused my family and then I resulted to selfishness to try and justify myself. I thought if maybe I punished myself enough I could be forgiven; if only it were that simple.
As time passed in reality the library soon cleared out and I was confronted by the woman who'd registered me. "I'm very sorry to interrupt sir but you'll have to either register for- oh!" She paused mid-sentence, noting first my tears and then my vulnerability. A confused look crossed her face and it took her a moment to realise my situation as an initiate. "It's all right there dear. The first day is always the hardest." The woman was reasonably elderly and clearly wise so I tried to take her comment into consideration. Instead it forced more tears tumbling down into my lap. The woman came and sat beside me, placing a comforting arm around my shoulders. I tensed at the physical contact, unsure how to react but began to relax, noting the kindness and gentleness in the woman's nature. "Caleb isn't it?" I nodded, calming more and more with each word. "Don't worry Caleb, it always gets better from here. You a long way from home?" Her tone and use of language was odd for an Erudite, but I found it comforting.
"A-Abnegation," I stuttered through the clog in my throat. I raised a hand and attempted to clear my eyes a little, hoping the library was empty.
"Really! Wow, that's a brave move my boy," I looked away, hoping she wouldn't notice my discomfort. "You know, I came from Abnegation too." I stared up at the woman in shock.
"How- how did you-"
"Oh dear, that was a long time ago now. Things weren't as heated between the two factions. Much happier times they were, oh how I miss them. I had a lovely family back home, still do now. It's just such a pity, not watching my younger siblings grow up. Gosh, not having my parents around as I grew up. But I needed more; I always knew there was so much more. You must understand." I nodded but I doubt she noticed. "I loved my family to pieces, and as I said I still do, but I always knew there was more to the world than serving others. There had to be, and Erudite could provide me with that insight. Don't get me wrong Caleb," she turned to me now, drifting out of her memories, "it wasn't easy. It's hard work being a transfer, particularly from such differing factions, but you can do it. I know you can. You want to know why." I didn't answer but she continued anyway. "It's in your eyes Caleb. I can see it in your eyes: the determination, the want, the thirst but also the loyalty and love. You must never lose that Caleb. You need that loyalty and love from your old faction as well, to help you through the hard times, the loss, the discouragement. That's what will keep you going my boy so never lose it. You must always keep your love and loyalty."
Apologies for the delay, I was struggling with major writers block but I got there in the end :) Let me know what you think.
[Any Whovians, Sherlockians or Wholockians out there, I have started a Doctor Who and Sherlock Crossover called 'Tension in Baker Street' and I would love for you to check it out. Always appreciate comments and opinions.]
