The next day went by in a slow blur. Rose couldn't decide if time was moving faster or slower than normal but it definitely seemed to be distorting around her in some way. The end of Jackie's visit, and therefore her pretend relationship with John, was drawing close and Rose was already dreading her mum's departure.
A rainy day had left the three of them to spend almost the entire day at Rose's flat watching movies and playing board games. Jackie had gone surprisingly easy on John, apparently deciding that she liked him enough not to grill him incessantly. Rose had even caught her smiling at them as they cuddled up on the couch to watch a movie.
Her stomach had flipped as guilt ran slick through her veins. This whole charade of a relationship was to make her mum happy and it was working splendidly. Jackie was buying into the story Rose'd spun, but Rose hadn't counted on not being able to lie to herself. Every time she snuggled into John's side or took his hand or stole a sweet, barely-there kiss, she almost forgot that this wasn't real, that she would go back to only having this in her daydreams in less than twenty-four hours.
She wanted it to be real more than she wanted to see her art hung on the walls of a gallery, wanted it more than she wanted almost anything and it scared her. She didn't know how she was going to be able to go back to just being friends with John and her heart hurt just thinking about it.
Sunday night clicked ever closer to an end and every tick of the second hand sounded like a death knoll to Rose. Finally, John yawned and said he'd better get back to his flat since he had work in the morning.
Rose raised an eyebrow at the lie but he just gave her an inscrutable look in return before squeezing her hand. She could only figure that he could tell something was bothering her or wanted to give her some more time with just her mum.
John untangled himself from Rose and walked over to Jackie. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Jackie. Hopefully you'll get to come visit again soon, I know Rose always misses you."
He stuck out a hand for her to shake but Jackie just smiled. "Oh, come here you," she said, pulling him into a hug.
"You take care of my Rose, you hear?" She let him go so she could look him in the face. "I will be up here faster than anything if you hurt her."
John swallowed hard. "Understood."
"Good lad." She patted his cheek and then stepped away.
Rose knew her smile was a little forced as she walked John to the door but it was all she could do to keep from crying. This was it, the end of their little ruse, and Rose wasn't sure at all that she was going to be okay. Jackie had believed them, had approved of them. The whole plan had gone better than she had ever dreamed but she still felt like she had failed, like she was losing.
"You okay?" John asked softly when they reached the door and he turned to face her.
"Yeah, course," she said, trying to brighten her smile and convince him. She rested a hand on his chest, tilting her face up towards his.
"I'll see you tomorrow?"
Rose had a feeling that he hadn't really meant that to be a question but it came out as one regardless. "I'll come by after I take my mum to the train station."
"Sounds good."
She rose up on her tiptoes and kissed him gently, lingering more than she'd dared to before. "Goodnight, John," she said, voice soft once she pulled away.
He leaned down and pressed one more kiss to her lips. "Goodnight, Rose."
She let him out and closed the door behind him. She sagged back against the door, eyes closed as she tried to gather herself to get through the rest of the night.
"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong or do you want me to start guessing?"
Rose startled and opened her eyes to see Jackie leaning against the wall in the living room entrance. She could feel tears welling up and even though this whole thing had been designed to keep Jackie in the dark, all Rose wanted to do was tell her mum everything and let her comfort her.
"Oh Rose, come here." Jackie opened her arms and Rose rushed over to bury her face in her mum's shoulder. Jackie rubbed her hand up and down Rose's back, trying to soothe her. "What's wrong, sweetheart? You know you can tell me anything."
Rose let out a sob.
"Come on, let's sit down." Jackie led them back to the sofa and sat them both down. She brushed pieces of hair out of Rose's face, tucking them behind her ears as Rose sniffled. "Is it something to do with John?"
Rose hesitated before nodding. "Yeah, but don't go thinking you need to slap him. It's all my fault."
"I think I want to hear this story before I go agreeing with you."
"He didn't do anything wrong, Mum."
Jackie just made a clucking noise with her tongue. "How about I go make us some tea and then you can tell me what's going on."
Rose nodded. Jackie squeezed her knee before bustling off towards the kitchen. Rose wiped the tears off her face with her sleeve and then wrapped up in her favorite blanket that she kept on the back of the couch. She'd just finished tucking it around herself when Jackie returned with two steaming mugs.
Jackie settled back against one arm of the sofa and gave Rose a steady look. "What happened?"
There was no point in dancing around it, Rose knew. Jackie preferred to cut straight to the heart of things and figure it out from there.
She took a deep breath, seeking strength from the familiar scent of tea, and looked directly into her mum's worried face. "Me and John aren't really dating."
Jackie's eyebrows drew together. "Sure seemed like you were to me. Did you break up while telling him goodnight?"
"No, Mum. We've never dated. John's just my best mate."
Jackie snorted.
"I mean it!"
"You've been telling me you're dating this man for months and now you're saying that you've never dated him?"
"Yeah. It was…" Rose looked away, swallowing hard. "I was lying to you. Made it all up."
Jackie reached out and put her hand back on Rose's knee. "Sweetheart…" she started.
Rose cut her off. "I just wanted to make you happy so I told you I was seeing someone and telling you I was dating John was easier than making someone up."
"What about these past few days? You two have been very couple-y."
"When you called to tell me you were coming up here I panicked," Rose admitted. "I didn't want to tell you I'd been lying to you for months so I asked John to pretend to be my boyfriend for a bit."
Jackie pursed her lips. "You know, most people wouldn't agree to something like that."
"He's a good guy," Rose said.
"You're in love with him." Jackie's tone was achingly gentle but firm. There was no question implied, just a simple statement of fact.
Rose felt tears stinging her eyes again and she nodded. "I've ruined everything. He's my friend and he was just doing me a favor and I don't… I don't…" A sob escaped her with enough force that her tea almost sloshed over the rim of her mug.
Jackie quickly moved to set down her own mug before divesting Rose of hers. She wrapped her arms around Rose. Rose cried into her shoulder just like she had when she'd gotten her heart broken as a teenager.
"Shhh, it's all going to be okay."
"It's not though. How can I go back to being just friends with him now?"
"I don't believe for a second that the two of you were ever just anything," Jackie said, moving so she could look Rose in the face. "I saw the two of you together. That man can't keep his eyes off of you."
"He was just playing the part, Mum. Nothing more."
"That's bollocks, and I think you know it. No one's that good of an actor."
"Mum…"
"Don't you 'mum' me, Rose. I think I know a thing or two about what a man in love looks like and that John of yours is definitely in love with you."
Rose shook her head. "He's not, though."
"I would've spotted the lie a mile away if he wasn't," Jackie said. "I knew you were hiding something but the two of you looked happy so I wasn't going to push it yet."
"I was so happy," Rose admitted. "Getting to be with him like that was better than anything I'd dreamed up while telling you stories."
"I think you need to talk to John after I leave tomorrow."
"I don't even know what I'd say. 'Hey John, I know you were just being my pretend boyfriend to help me out but what do you think about giving it a go for real?'" Rose let out a harsh laugh. "I don't think that'd go over well."
"I think it'd go better than you think," Jackie said.
"You don't know him, Mum, not really. He's kind and funny and a little bit mad and he's never once given me any kind of sign that he wants to be anything more than my friend. I don't want to push him away and lose my friend."
"I don't think you'd lose him. He's probably over at his having this same crisis right now."
Rose shook her head and leaned against Jackie's shoulder again. "You're just trying to make me feel better about managing to break my own heart."
"Is it working?"
"Maybe."
Jackie dropped a kiss on top of Rose's head and then leaned forward to grab their mugs of tea and they sat in silence for a few minutes as they finished drinking, letting it soothe their ragged edges.
"I didn't mean to drive you into lying to me," Jackie said finally. "I just wanted to make sure you were happy and not lonely."
Rose gave her a small smile. "I know, Mum. I'm sorry for not just telling you what was going on."
"All's forgiven now. I still just want you to be happy." She paused for a second and then barrelled on. "I think being with John makes you happy. You always sounded so excited when you were talking about him. S'why I wanted to meet him while I was up here. I wanted to meet the man who was making my baby girl smile so much."
"He makes me laugh, Mum. More than anybody I've ever met. He's so brilliant and also ridiculous and sometimes that smile of his is enough to blind me."
"Tell me about him? Without the lies this time."
Rose smiled and told her that it wasn't all that different but with a little bit of encouragement she started telling Jackie more stories about John and the fun they had together.
Rose was exhausted by the time she stopped talking an hour later.
"I still think you should talk to him," Jackie said. "I think you'll be surprised."
"I'll think about it."
"That's my girl."
Rose smiled at her. It was still a wobbly thing but gloriously real. "Thank you, Mum."
"Of course. Now, why don't you call me a cab while I pop to the loo."
Rose did just that and then walked Jackie down to the outside curb. "I'll see you in the morning," Rose said, giving her another hug as the cab pulled up. Jackie looked like she was going to say something else but just bid Rose goodnight and climbed in the taxi.
By the time Rose collapsed into bed, she was too tired from her emotional rollercoaster to mull things over any further. She fell asleep almost immediately.
She dreamed of John.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
The next morning, Rose made her way over to Jackie's hotel and then accompanied her to the train station. When it was time for her to go, Rose wrapped her in a fierce hug.
"I'm going to miss you," she said.
"I always miss you," Jackie replied. "Now, you go talk to that bloke of yours and get things straightened out."
Rose started to protest but Jackie cut her off. "No, you're going to talk to him. When you find someone who makes you feel like this," she poked Rose in the middle of her chest, "you fight for them and you don't let them go, no matter what."
"Mum…"
"It's precious, Rose. Don't let it slip through your fingers because you're scared."
Rose just nodded and hugged her again.
Jackie kissed her cheek and they said their goodbyes before she headed towards her train to board.
Rose waited until the train pulled out of the station before leaving. He mind was whirling and a knot of anxiety built in her stomach as she walked back towards her flat and John.
She wasn't sure what she was going to say to him, if she'd even be able to bring up the possibility of them being more than friends, but she had to go make sure that they were going to be okay.
She could live with a broken heart if it meant John was still in her life.
It felt a bit like déjà vu when she knocked on the door to John's flat. Just like when she'd dragged him into this whole mess, she was nervous and holding onto a confession that could ruin their friendship.
He answered the door before her nerves could convince her that running off was her best option.
"Rose!" His grin was wide and welcoming but she couldn't help but notice that it wasn't as bright as usual. It looked like he hadn't slept well, if the state of his hair and the bags under his eyes were anything to go by.
"Hey," she said softly, giving him a smile of her own.
She wanted to lean up and kiss him but that was no longer allowed. Her hands twitched at her sides as she resisted the urge to reach for him.
The silence stretched between them for just a second too long.
"Come in?"
It was a plea for normalcy if she'd ever heard one. Rose swallowed her disappointment and followed him inside. John started flitting around the kitchen, putting the kettle on. He was twitchier than normal and Rose wondered if he was just as nervous as she was.
Maybe her mum was right about her not feeling this all on her own.
"Jackie on her way back to London?"
"So long as she got on the right train, she is," Rose answered. "Thanks again for, you know, helping me out."
He turned towards the kettle, tapping his fingers impatiently against the counter. "No problem. It was fun."
"Hey, look at me," Rose said, resting her hand on his shoulder. He turned slowly, an unreadable expression on his face. He looked like he was ready to run at the slightest provocation.
Rose knew the feeling.
"I mean it, John. Thank you."
"It was really no burden on my part, Rose. It was-" he cut himself off, eyes skittering away from her to focus on anything else he could find in the kitchen. "It was fun, like I already said."
"I had no clue you were such a good actor," she ventured. She was going at this all roundabout but she wanted, she needed, to know that John was on the same page as her if she was going to say anything at all.
Jackie's encouragement had given her just enough nerve to knock on his door, given her the hope that she'd been missing, but this… this had to be all her and John and neither of them were very good at this.
She watched nervously as John took a deep breath. "I wasn't acting, Rose," he admitted.
Rose couldn't believe her ears. She had to have slipped into one of her daydreams or something, there was no way John was actually saying what she thought he was saying. "What?"
"I know this is probably not what you want to hear and I'm probably stepping over about five lines right now, believe me I've counted them, but being with you like this," he reached for her hand, connecting the two of them, grounding them, "it didn't require any acting on my part."
"John…" Rose's heart was beating double time and all of the words she wanted to say seemed to be sticking in her throat.
He pulled his hand away and ran it through his hair in agitation, making it stand on end even more than it already was. "I know, I shouldn't have said anything. I'll just...I'll just go." He hooked his thumb towards the door and stepped backwards.
"No! Don't go," Rose said, finally getting words out. "This is your flat after all so if anyone leaves, it'll have to be me." She laughed weakly but his expression didn't change.
"I was just surprised is all. You've never shown any interest in…" she bit her lip, "well, in me, I guess."
"Rose, I'm pretty sure I started falling for you the moment I almost knocked you down the stairs when you were moving in," he said with a self-deprecating laugh. "I thought it was painfully obvious, really. Everything I did these past few days has been things I've thought about doing so many times that it was practically a habit anyways."
"John, why do you think I asked you to help me out with all of this?" Rose asked.
He flinched. "I don't know."
"I made up this entire story about us dating and all because I wanted it to be true." Rose stepped forward and reached for his hand. "You weren't the only one who wasn't acting."
"Really?" The hope in his eyes made her heart flutter.
"Really." Rose felt like her smile was too big for her face, like her happiness in this moment was too big for her body.
John inched closer, his own smile lighting up his face. "You never said anything."
"Neither did you. We're quite the pair, aren't we?"
"Quite. " His eyes flicked down to her lips. "Rose, I really want to kiss you."
"Please do," Rose said. She tilted her face up in further invitation.
John pulled her against him with their joined hands and threaded the fingers of his free hand through her hair before pressing his lips to hers. The feeling was halfway familiar after the last few days and the kisses they had shared.
This one was different though. Neither of them were hiding their emotions and it wasn't a stolen moment - it was a beginning.
