Chapter Two: Awakening

Shepard opened her eyes and was greeted with the sight of fresh white linens. She rolled over underneath the covers, a sleeping Kaidan lay on his front facing her, head resting on his left arm, right arm stretched towards her. His eyes opened and he gave her a sleepy smile.

"Good morning beautiful" he said groggily. "Come here", he opened his right palm and offered it to her, she recognised that look in his eyes.

Suddenly, the booming drone of the reapers tore through the peace. Shepard was dragged backwards, covers flying past her head in a flurry of white. She tried to reach for Kaidan and take his hand, but it was useless, they were being rapidly pulled apart. Kaidan didn't move, nor did he react as she slipped further and further away from him, until he was just on dot on the horizon.

Shepard took a sharp intake of breath and opened her eyes…


Kaidan ran his fingers along her name, as if the caress would give him the chance to hold her one last time.

I can't do this. I can't lose her, not again.

He had assumed he would somehow know if she were dead; that he would feel different, feel the hole she had left in the galaxy. He had fallen to pieces last time, now he just felt numb. Perhaps that was because last time she hadn't really left him, - or had she? Exactly how much damage had been done before Cerberus had rebuilt her? Maybe last time her essence had clung here, waiting to return and the numb feeling meant she was really gone this time, or maybe it was just the Major's duty to the crew holding him together.

She'd said she would be waiting for me.

He considered the facts: They had no proof she was really gone, she'd dropped off the grid and there had been an explosion. That didn't mean anything where Shepard was concerned. He would go back to what was left of the Citadel; he would find proof, find answers. Kaidan raised his head and a new energy filled him, hope.

No, not proof, her… I will find her.

"She's not gone." His voice was barely a whisper.

"Kaidan…" Tali tried to comfort him but he cut her off. He knew he sounded crazy, he didn't need anyone's pity.

"She's not gone!" he commanded, louder, affirmative.

"And we will find her." Liara interjected before anyone could dissuade him. She believed him, that's what he needed hope and someone to believe in him, to believe in Shepard.


Shepard took another short breath. It was agony, every nerve ending screamed with pain. She tried to survey her surroundings but she couldn't move her head. She could see the open sky, millions of stars starred down at her. In her peripheral vision could see the destruction and rubble caused by the explosion. It looked as though a large beam of twisted metal lay on top of her legs, but without moving her head she couldn't tell for certain. She tried to move but her body wouldn't respond. She listened, but there was nothing to hear, apart from the sound of the harsh wind and the creaking of wreckage. She couldn't remember how she had got here or where here was. She tried to recall her last memory but her mind was blank. Panic filled her, she was going to die here, alone and afraid. She tried to focus, to remember something anything. Her name, she tried to remember… her name, what was her name?

Shepard - my name is Shepard.

The memory of her name comforted her. It was difficult to remember things, the effort had exhausted her. She was tired, too tired to think anymore. She let the memory of her name console her and repeated the word in her head as the darkness pulled her back into its cold embrace.


They'd moved EDI's body back into the AI core; it seemed the most logical place for her. The crew had held a memorial service for her but Joker was inconsolable. Kaidan didn't blame him. He couldn't decide which he hated more, the looks of sympathy and pity from some of the crew, or the ones that looked scared of him because they believed he'd finally lost his mind. Maybe he had. Vega fishing him off the roof of the ship certainly hadn't helped his image.

Two weeks had passed since the crash landing and reparations were almost complete. The comms system was completely fried and they just didn't have the means for repairing it. The morale was slipping, with the lack of information from earth the crew had no idea if their friends and family had survived and whether they had anything to go back for.

Kaidan faced a daily struggle trying to hold himself together; he had to for the sake of his crew. He owed it to Shepard to be the kind of leader she was. This was her crew, they loved her too and most of them were also mourning her loss. No matter how much Kaidan asserted that she was still alive, most didn't believe him. Not that they told him so, but he could sense their doubt and see it in their faces. He wasn't sure if he really believed it himself, maybe he was just lying to himself, but he had to do something to stop from falling apart.

A few days later they were given the all clear, the Normandy was as ready as she'd ever be. Kaidan walked through to the bridge.

"Major" Joker's tone was professional but his voice was wrought with emotion.

"She all set to go Joker?"

"Yep, can't wait to get off this God forsaken plant. I mean it's beautiful and all, but the humidity, urgh! The relay's are out, so looks like we're taking the slow route home, could take months." Joker's attempt to cover up his emotion with conversation, but it was not lost on Kaidan.

"Joker, if you ever need to talk, I'm here, you know?"

"I'm…" Joker let out a sigh and buried his head in his hands. "I just miss her you know? And I have to sit here looking at her empty chair. I want to give up, but I can't, people are counting on me. But I guess you know what that's like…" Joker trailed off as he looked to Kaidan.

"Yes, Yes I do." Kaidan kept his eyes to the front, pretending to be studying the screens to stop himself from breaking down.

"What was it like when you lost her? The first time I mean? If you don't mind me asking" Joker quizzed. Kaidan closed his eyes, he wasn't sure if it was to help him think or to hide the forming tears.

"Hard… and she was everywhere, all those posters… everywhere." Kaidan's voice cracked. Joker was a good friend and pretended he didn't hear it.

"Yeah I remember, 'Commander Shepard, saviour of the Citadel!'" Joker announced in his best advertising voice. "They left off the part about ignoring her warnings and fighting her every step of the way, huh?"

"It was like a knife in the gut every time I saw her picture."

"Do you really think she survived the explosion?"

Kaidan paused.

"I…" He sighed. "I- I have to. I don't think I could do it again… It took me so long to pick up the pieces- I was just getting my life back together again and – and then there she was, alive again. I was so angry… now, I - all I can think, is all that time I… wasted… I-" Kaidan broke off.

"Hey, it's all right, you don't have to say anymore. She's alive, I know it. Only Shepard could have activated the Crucible and I'm pretty sure she's immortal or indestructible or something. Can you imagine what the posters will say this time? 'Commander Shepard saviour of the Universe! Brackets, we're sorry, you were right all along, close brackets'" Joker smiled trying to lighten the mood. "When we get back to Earth the first round's on her! Now let's get our asses out of here". With that Joker started preparing the Normandy for flight.

"Joker, just remember, with everything that has happened to us in the last few years, anything is possible – never give up."

Joker nodded, a silent thank you passed between them as Joker piloted the ship off planet.


The handsome, smiling face of a raven haired man broke the through darkness and pulled Shepard out of the black abyss. She clung to the image, trying to grab a foothold on reality. Only this wasn't reality, he wasn't really there, but it was still something to focus on in the nothingness. Steadily, she became vaguely aware of voices, they were far away, but they were real, someone was here. The face faded before her eyes but she didn't open them, she needed to conserve her strength. She tried to call out but nothing came. She focused all her energy, she was strong, she could do this. Using everything she could muster, she tried again…

"K-" Her lungs erupted and she coughed up a mouth full of blood.

"Did you hear that?" The voice was familiar; she could not think clearly enough to place it.

"It came from that direction."

Heavy foot steps pounded closer.

"It's her! It's Shepard! She's alive!"

"Come in bridge. Yes, we have her, we have the commander."

The one with the familiar voice came closer and knelt beside her. She opened her eyes and looked at him.

Not human, alien… Something beginning with K –Krogan, he was a Krogan.

"It is good to see you alive, Battle Master."

Relief flooded through her, she would not die her, she relaxed and let the darkness take her once more.

Voices echoed through the darkness that surrounded her, Shepard walked towards them. She moved forward as if she was floating. She looked down; she could not see her own body. She had no form, she moved through the darkness as if she were nothing herself. In the distance a light glowed faintly, she walked towards it and the voices became clearer.

"This is not your place Siha." A deep voice called to her from the light.

Shepard stopped, she looked around there was no where else to go, only the light. The light made her feel safe, happy, she wanted to be apart of it.

"Not yet Skipper, it's not your time. We'll be here, but you can't join us, not yet. You have to live Shepard, for us. You have to go back." A woman's voice whispered to her.

"Shepard!" a male voice called out to her, only it wasn't from the same direction as the light. She turned; the raven haired man was here. Unlike the other voices, she could see him in the darkness. He stood on the opposite side of the black expanse. He extended an arm to her, she had to choose.

Shepard stood in the middle of the two, looking from right to left, between the light and the man. The light made her feel happy, like it was glowing inside of her. But there was something about the man, there was pain in his face and she felt as though she trusted him implicitly.

"Go get him Commander. I'll see you all when you get back." The woman spoke again.

She took one last look at the light and made her decision. She turned around and ran to the man. Just as he took her in to his arms everything disappeared.

Once again, Shepard was pushed to the edge of consciousness, this time things were different. The pain and the weight of her mangled armour were gone, it was warm and there was the faint beeping of equipment. Voices interrupted her thoughts.

"I brought you these, they are the records from Cerberus' Lazarus project, I thought they might be useful."

Shepard tried to place the voice but her head was groggy. It sounded familiar.

She tried to call out again, but her voice would not come.

"Thank you, these will be invaluable, this will increase the commander's recovery tenfold. Her condition has been touch and go for a while."

"It's the least I could do. Please if you need anything else don't hesitate to contact me… Please, do everything you can for her doctor." Shepard listened as foot steps walked away.

Doctor, there was a doctor here.

A hand opened her eye and shone a bright light in to it.

"I think she is waking up, increase the sedative, best to keep her in a coma for now."

No, I want to wake up, please…

But it was useless, the drugs flooded her system and once again Shepard's world faded to black.

"It's just a matter of time now, we have stopped inducing a medical coma, she should wake up soon." It was the same voice that Shepard had heard before; it was always here now when she reached the edge of consciousness.

"Erm, thank you doctor"

Doctor, the voice, the one that was always here, it is a doctor - my doctor. They were talking about me…Yes, I want to wake up…

"No problem. I will leave you alone; it might help her if you talk to her".

After a moment or two the voice that had thanked the doctor began to speak. It was a different voice than before, not the one that spoke of records and projects.

"Hey Shepard, can you hear me? No of course you can't I'm talking to myself like a fucking idiot. Do you reckon they tell you to talk to people in comas so they can record it and have a good laugh at you later?" The person let out a heavy sigh. "Just in case you can hear me in there… Please wake up Shepard… I… You're the only real friend I've ever had." They let out a chocked sob, which sounded wrong and unnatural, like the person who made it didn't usually express emotion. Shepard concentrated on the voice, she had heard it before, but where?

It sounded female, yes – definitely female.

Shepard longed to move, to open her eyes, to do something to show she could hear her, but her body refused to co-operate. She felt the woman take her hand in her own. She began to tell Shepard the latest tales about the people she called her students. Shepard listened intently putting the pieces of the puzzle of this mystery woman together until she was exhausted and once again the darkness came calling for her.

The raven haired man stood in front of her, he wore armour and a concerned look upon his face.

"When this is over, I'm going to be waiting for you. You better show up." Shepard spoke involuntarily.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm gonna fight like hell for the chance to hold you again." The man replied, his voice heavy with emotion. Shepard tried to think.

Is this a dream?

It seemed so real to her, but beyond the two of them was the usual black expanse of nothingness.

No, not a dream… a fractured piece of a memory.

"I can't lose you again." As the man spoke Shepard felt a rush in her soul and the darkness crumbled around them.

Shepard opened her eyes, it was dark, but not like the darkness that had been her prison for so long now. She realised she was in a hospital and it was night time. She still felt hazy and confused. She tried to move her head to the right and to her surprise her body complied. A figure slept in a chair in the corner of the room; it was too dark to make out much.

"Kaidan?" She called out. It was the first word that came into her head, she couldn't think why.

The sound of her own voice shocked her, it was so frail. Had she always sounded like this? She didn't think so. The figure in the chair stirred and raised its head. After a moment it stood up and approached the bed cautiously.

"Shepard, was that you? Are you awake?"

As she stepped into the moon light streaming through the hospital window, Shepard could make out the tattooed scantily clad form of a woman, the voice that had been her companion.

"It's good to see you, you crazy mother fucker!" The woman's eyes glistened with tears. "Listen, hold tight, I'm going to get the doctor" the woman smiled, turned on her heals and ran into the corridor.