Chapter Three: Recovery
Jack returned, followed by a doctor with auburn hair and a pretty face.
"Commander, it is good to see you finally awake" the Doctor smiled.
Shepard's head was foggy and muddled with questions; she looked from one person to the other, trying to remember how she had gotten here.
"You saved the galaxy once again Commander; we owe you a great debt, one we can never repay. But we'll start by getting you back on your feet." The Doctor said as she approached the bed and began to run tests on the Commander's vitals.
"How long have I been out?" Shepard was still shocked by the frailty in her own voice.
"3 months. You were severely injured; you might not have made it if it weren't for your cybernetic implants and the help of Miranda Lawson."
"Yeah the ex-Cerberus bitch stole files from the Lazarus project" the tattooed woman interjected, clearly not wanting to be left out of the conversation.
"They were instrumental in your recovery, at the very least you would have been incapacitated for a lot longer, at the worst you may not have ever recovered at all."
Shepard remained silent, the way the pair addressed her was familiar and she wasn't sure how to explain that she didn't have a clue who they were.
Her silence was not missed by the doctor and her face became puzzled.
"How are you feeling Commander?"
"I feel fine, all things considered." Shepard tried to keep her response light and care free.
"Do you remember what happened prior to the explosion?" the Doctor continued obviously unsatisfied.
"I -" Shepard sighed "No."
"And before that? What is the last thing you remember? Do you know what year it is? Do you remember meeting either of us before? Do you know who we are?" The Doctor gestured to the woman beside her. The look of concern increased on the Doctor's face, whilst the tattooed woman looked somewhere between panicked and hurt.
"That's a lot of questions Doc, which would you like me to answer first?" Shepard let out a pathetic attempt at a laugh and instantly regretted it, it hurt.
"Take your pick Commander."
Shepard stared down at her hands and thought, hard.
"I don't remember anything, except my name." She gave a defeated shrug. "I'm sorry, I don't remember either of you, I'm assuming I should?"
A solitary tear ran down the tattooed woman's cheek and she instantly wiped it away.
"Hmmm…" The Doctor shone a light into Shepard's pupils, then picked up her chart and started to scribble away. "What you are describing is post-traumatic amnesia. It is common with a severe head injury, I am sorry I should have prepared for this eventuality. I had assumed your cybernetic implants would have dealt with any brain damage sufficiently enough to prevent memory loss."
"Are you fucking shitting me?! You assumed?! Good work doc! Fuck - so Shepard has… amnesia?" The tattooed woman shouted making Shepard blink back in surprise.
"Please remain calm; the stress will not be good for the Commander." The Doctor gestured to a chair positioned next the Shepard's bed and Jack sat, she then turned her attention back to Shepard. "Commander, your chances of recovering your memory are good, with this type of amnesia the time it takes to remember depends of the severity of the head injury. Your injuries were extensive, so it is not surprising that you are experiencing memory loss. But obviously, as the weeks pass, the odds of a good recovery diminish. Your other injuries mean you have to remain in the hospital, so we will be able to monitor both your body and mind. There are also things we can do to try and prompt your memory; we will do everything we can. But for now, my name is Dr Michel, as you gathered we have met before. This is Jack; she was your companion aboard the Normandy SR-2."
"The Normandy?" It was a lot of information; Shepard felt she was drowning in it. But something about the name resonated with her; it felt appropriate to ask this question first.
The Doctor and Jack exchanged a worried glance; if they were trying to be subtle they were failing miserably. Whatever she had asked the answer was not going to be good. Dr. Michel gave Jack a silent nod in answer to an unspoken question.
"Shepard, you are an Alliance Soldier, the best. The Normandy was your ship; the people were your crew." Jack took Shepard's hand. "Shepard… The Normandy is MIA. They're presumed dead." Jack scanned Shepard's face for some kind of reaction. Shepard stared back, her brow furrowed; the words didn't really mean anything to her, or strike any emotional response, she didn't know how she was supposed to feel about any of this.
The next day Shepard pushed some disgusting hospital food round her plate.
"You have to eat Shepard, you nearly died." Jack looked at Shepard's meal and turned her nose up. "Urgh! Not that I blame you for not wanting to eat THAT! Tell you what, I will smuggle you some real food in later. Whatever you want. Actually, do you even remember your own food preferences?"
Shepard liked Jack; she could see why they had been friends. Jack was funny, not in a cracking a joke a minute kind of way but something about her made Shepard smile. She took no prisoners either and Shepard liked that. Just as she was about to reply to Jack's question a nurse entered.
"Excuse me, an Admiral Hackett to see you Commander Shepard, shall I show him in?" the nurse asked.
"Yes, please."
The nurse nodded politely and left the room.
Any excuse not eating that. She thought as she pushed her plate away.
A man in Alliance uniform entered the room in the nurse's wake. He had a grey beard, a serious look and obvious scars from battles fought. Shepard didn't remember him.
"Commander Shepard" he said as he saluted with practiced precision and surveyed her warily.
"Admiral Hackett, I presume? Pleased to meet you. Do you know Jack? You have to forgive me, I don't remember these things."
"We have not had the pleasure of meeting in person." He nodded formally at Jack before returning his attention back to Shepard. "I came as soon as I heard that you were awake. It's good to see you alive and in the flesh Commander, it has been too long." He placed his arms behind his back and began to address Shepard more casually. "I'm sorry Commander. I have been informed of your condition. It is strange to talk as though we have never met. You are the best damn Soldier I have ever known, you have done things I never thought we would achieve. You saved the Galaxy, you're a damned hero and yet you are still the one suffering." Hackett hung his head and shock it, almost as if he were ashamed of something.
"I am alive, that is enough for me Admiral."
"Well it's not enough for me Shepard." His voice was stern, like he almost lost his cool. Which Shepard imagined didn't happen very often. He sighed and moved across the room to gaze out of the window. "The doctor told me that prompts would help you remember, so I have prepared some files on you and your crew mates. I will pass them to you companion here." He gestured toward Jack. "I hope she will not mind taking you through them. Maybe something in there will help."
"Yeah, sure, not a problem." Jack replied.
"Thank you." He turned away from the window to face the bed once again. "One more thing, if it is okay with you, I wish to keep the news of your amnesia on a need to know basis. The Galaxy, Earth in particular, is still recovering from this war. You are a symbol to these people Shepard and I cannot predict how this would affect morale. They still need something to believe in Shepard, and at the moment that's you."
"Of course, whatever you think is best."
The Admiral let out a relieved sigh.
"You haven't changed Commander. There was a time I thought I would never see you again, I'm glad you made it. I am proud to call you an Alliance Soldier." He paused. "Unfortunately, I can't stay; I have a meeting to attend… Keep well, Shepard." He saluted again and headed for the door.
"Admiral?" Shepard said quickly before he could reach the door. He turned to face her. "Will you update me on any news about the Normandy? I know I don't remember them, but still…"
"You have my word; you will know the moment I do." The Admiral left the room.
"Liara T'soni, asari, expert on the Protheans. You first met her on Therum after you'd killed her mother, Matriach Benezia… classy Shepard, it's a surprise you have any friends... She joined you on the Normandy SR-1 and then again on the SR-2 when the Reapers hit. She also recovered your body for Cerberus after the destruction of the first Normandy." Jack held the data pad up to Shepard, Liara's image slowly rotated in front of her. "Anything?" Jack questioned.
"No, not a thing" Shepard sighed "Next one."
Jack took the data pad back from Shepard and pressed a few buttons.
"Well..." Jack lips curled in a predatory smirk "Wow. Now this is where I wish you had your memory; I'd be asking you for every single grisly detail… Mmmmm, I would want to know everything thing about him, I want to know what he sounds like, I want to know how he smells, I wanna know what he tastes like-"
"Why on Earth would you think I know anything about what any of my crew taste like?" Shepard raised an eyebrow and Jack gave her a knowing smile.
"Shepard!" Jack thrust the data pad at her. "You're telling me that you would have this guy walking round your ship and you would resist the urge to lick your way along those tattoos?" Shepard glared at Jack and then looked at the image of the muscular man.
"Can't say I remember doing so. Name?" Jack took back the pad.
"James Vega, relatively new addition. He was your guard whilst you were incarcerated at Alliance HQ and joined you on the Normandy SR-2 after the reapers hit earth. Hmmm… I suppose you did always prefer boy scouts Shepard." She grinned.
"What do you mean by that?" Shepard demanded.
Jack laughed, "I'm sorry but being the one to remind you of all this is proving rather entertaining… Here, Major Alenko. He was already aboard the Normandy back when it was under the command of Captain Anderson. He was part of your squad on Eden Prime, back then he was a Lieutenant. He remained on the Normandy SR-1 with you until it was destroyed. He returned to the Normandy SR-2 after the reapers hit Earth. Not before some hospital time and gaining Spectre status. The second human spectre after yourself. Powerful L2 biotic, hasn't got a patch on me though. I met him once, on a place called Horizon, during the Collector attacks whilst we were working with Cerberus. Can't say he made a good impression, he was being a jerk to you. I didn't like it." Jack passed the data pad back, this time letting Shepard take hold herself.
"Maybe I did something to deserve it?" Shepard said as she took the data pad in both hands and peered at the image. Tears pricked her in eyes. It was him, the raven haired man…
"This man… He - he's in my dreams. Whilst I was in the coma and even now. He's in all of them." She raised her head and looked up at Jack. "What did you say his name was?" She demanded.
Jack looked surprised and confused, "Ermmm… Major Alenko, Major K-"
"Kaidan Alenko" Shepard said as she starred down at the screen. It was the name she'd said when she first woke up in the hospital, now she knew why.
"Hey, did you just remember that? Do you remember him?" Jack asked excitedly.
"I don't remember anything about him, just his face and his name, Kaidan." She continued to stare at the face that had been her only companion in the darkness.
Kaidan…
That night, after Jack had gone, Shepard took the data pad that had been left on her bedside table. She reopened Kaidan Alenko's file. The holographic image began to spin, she tried to touch it but her hand went straight through, so she just looked at him. The one thing her mind had held onto, out of everything.
Why?
Jack was able to tell her little, she believed they had been involved prior to the destruction of the SR-1. They met on Horizon and they had argued, Kaidan had thought she was dead and wasn't happy that she was working with Cerberus. Jack didn't know what had happened since then, apart from the fact he had rejoined the Normandy. Had they continued their relationship? Shepard had no way of knowing. The only person that could tell her for certain was presumed dead. She let the image replay as she settled down in bed; his face was the last thing she saw as she drifted off to sleep.
The following few weeks in the hospital were uneventful. Her condition was improving steadily, but she passed most hours sleeping. The more weeks that went by the more unlikely it was becoming that she would remember her past, Shepard tried not to dwell too much on it. During her waking hours Jack was vigilant, by her bed side more often than not. She updated her on news and reading (mostly in a sarcastically gushing manner) the many letters of admiration and thanks Shepard received. Shepard's visitors were strictly limited, not that meant the general population didn't try. Miranda had visited since Shepard had regained consciousness. Jack made herself scarce whilst Miranda and her sister, Oriana updated Shepard on her inflated stardom in the outside world. Both Miranda and Jack ran through old times with her, missions they'd been on, times they'd had. She had helped them both in a personal capacity, that made her happy; she might not remember anything but at least she had been a good person. Shepard had enjoyed their stories, until she realised they weren't stories, they were factual events that she had been apart of, a life that she may never remember.
Kaidan stood in starboard observation, gazing out at the vast expanse of stars. He'd always liked it here, but lately he couldn't stand it. Not that he could really stand to be anywhere right now. Everywhere on the ship reminded him of Shepard. If he stood here long enough he swore the stars moved to map out the image of her face. He hadn't entered her cabin since they'd left it together that morning, which seemed so long ago now. He avoided eating because the kitchen had replaced his old console where she would always come to find him aboard the SR-1, where he had first started falling in love with her.
The door to observation opened with a swishing sound, Kaidan didn't even bother to see who it was. Most the crew would see him in here and leave; some even went to great lengths to avoid him.
"Hey." Vega's voice behind him startled Kaidan, he moved surprisingly silent for such a big guy.
"Oh, hey Vega, what's up?" Kaidan turned away from the window and attempted to sound casual.
"Me, Cortez and Joker are starting a poker game, you want in?"
"No thank you."
"Come on Alenko, you can't act like the crazy grieving lover forever. It'll be good for you. Besides, you won't necessarily be the most depressed there and everyone understands what you're going through. Cortez lost his husband and Joker is still cut up about EDI." Vega scanned Kaidan's face and realised his tactics weren't working. "We have the last of the Tequila? I'd offer you whiskey but some drunken idiot through it from the roof of the ship, don't tell anyone I told you about that though."
Kaidan laughed, for the first time since he'd lost her. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea; it might take his mind off things, if only for a while.
"Okay Vega, you've twisted my arm."
Hours later the four were quite drunk and Vega had cleared them all out of credits.
"Vega, I swear you cheat." Joker accused.
"I don't cheat; you have a terrible poker face and Alenko has lost his edge. Come on guys, I'll give you a chance to win all your stuff back against the shirts off your backs."
"I'm not betting you my shirt James" Kaidan asserted.
"Okay, okay, these two can bet their shirts. I have a better deal for you Kaidan. If you win I will give you all your stuff back, if I win, you have to go into Shepard's cabin." Vega challenged.
"What? No! What kind of deal is that?!" Kaidan panicked.
"Listen Kaidan, I know you haven't been in there since the explosion. You're slumming it with us in the crew deck every night when you don't have to. You're the commanding officer; you should be in there, you were practically living in there anyw -"
"-acting Commanding officer" Kaidan interrupted him.
"Whatever you wanna call it Alenko, its still not healthy. You need to face your demons."
"Oh yeah and when did you become the expert?"
"Since I had all your stuff and you won't bet me your shirt."
Kaidan thought about it. James was right, it was about time he went in there and faced it. It might make him feel closer to her somehow, being there amongst all of her things. He had been considering it for a while now and if he won then at least he had an excuse for not to going in there a little longer. Plus he didn't want to chicken out in front of the guys and let them all see how much he was really struggling with all this.
"All right." Kaidan decided.
"You'll do it?" Vega was surprised.
"I said all right, didn't I?"
"Okay, jeez, deal the cards, let's get this thing started!"
Shepard's dreams were plagued by Kaidan, always just out of reach. It was as though her subconscious had made him the physical representation of her memories. If she could only reach him, she would remember everything. She just wished the nightmares would stop, she supposed they would have if she'd have been dead. So maybe she should just be grateful for them.
After a particularly vivid dream in which Kaidan turned to dust as she reached out to brush her hand along his cheek, Shepard bolted awake. The tears were still damp on her cheeks and she quickly became aware that she was not alone.
"Shepard, nice of you to join us."
The krogan's large stature made the hospital room feel small, and he had brought company. To his right a female krogan stood with a small bundle in her arms. Shepard sat up and wiped the moisture from her face.
"I have been informed you won't remember us. My name is Urdnot Wrex, you can just call me Wrex, and this is Bakara, you also knew her as Eve. Ring any bells?"
"I've been told about you and shown your pictures, trying to jog my memory. It's nice to meet you both in person." Shepard smiled politely.
"I have someone for you to meet Shepard." Wrex turned to Bakara and carefully took the bundle from her. Rearranging the swaddling, he presented his son, a beautiful baby krogan to Shepard.
"May I?" Shepard held out her arms and Wrex passed his son, as gingerly as a krogan could, to her.
"Shepard, meet Mordin. I promise the next one is going to be called Shepard, but calling him Mordin was important to Bakara."
Shepard's head snapped up.
"Shepard? After me?" she asked, shocked by the sentiment coming from people she couldn't even remember.
"Yeah, and you better get used to it too. Every other kid in the galaxy is going to be named after you with you taking down the Reapers and all. The way I see it if any kid deserves to be named after you it is one of mine."
Shepard gazed down at the tiny life in her arms and tears pricked in her eyes. Her mind conjured up the image of beautiful brown eyes looking up at her from a human baby's face. Kaidan's eyes she realised as the tears formed in her eyes. The children they would never have, not if she could never remember him properly, not if she couldn't love him again, not if he didn't want her now she had forgotten everything and especially not if he was dead. How was it possible to be this upset over someone she didn't even fully remember? The gurgling of the baby krogan brought her thoughts back to the present.
"Mordin, the Salarian scientist?" She asked and Wrex nodded. "Sorry, I have been learning about my past, I sometimes get muddled up... Mordin is a perfect name. He is perfect." She said, and she meant it.
"Well he does have the best genes on offer." Wrex laughed, "And it's thanks to you he's here at all. If someone had told me I'd one day be in debt to a human I would have called them a crazy old pyjack. But now that I do, I wouldn't have it any other way."
"You don't owe me anything Wrex; I don't even remember doing anything." Shepard stroked the baby's cheek and the baby krogan grabbed her finger in a vice like grip.
"Regardless, I am indebted to you. I only wish it had been me who found you. Grunt is one lucky bastard. I'd been leading the search for 3 days following the explosion. Grunt takes over, and finds you in 2 hours. If I'd realised you were so close I would have continued myself. I have already sent the fleets I can spare to search for the Normandy; they started as soon as we found you. Once you are out of here you can join them and if the Alliance won't give you a ship, you can take one of mine. We'll find them."
Shepard considered his words; he spoke as though he believed her crew were still alive. She wanted to find them; they were people like Jack and Wrex who were her friends, that loved her. They had answers about who she was, who she had been. The thought of finding them again made her feel happy, hopeful. She needed something to fight for, something to get her out of this hospital bed. Most of all she thought of Kaidan. She wanted to find him, she needed to find him.
Kaidan stood at the door to the captain's quarters, Shepard's quarters. He was mad at himself for letting Vega coerce him into doing this. He shouldn't have been stupid enough to take the bet; he'd been losing all night. It had seemed like a good idea earlier but he'd avoided coming into Shepard's cabin since she'd been gone, he was scared of its emptiness. Scared of the realisation that she wasn't just busy in her room, going over Spectre reports. If he went in that room her absence would become real, he couldn't pretend anymore. But Vega was right; he needed to face his demons. He needed to deal with the fact he was here without her, without any way of knowing if she were dead or alive. He opened the door and stepped inside.
The door instantly closed behind him, although he knew it wasn't locked; it made him feel trapped. He scanned the room, not really sure what to do now he was inside. He walked along the fish tank, running his hand along the cool glass. He looked at the fish, one of Shepard's few indulgences. God knows, she didn't get many with all the responsibility that had been placed upon her. She'd loved collecting the fish. Kaidan pictured the look of joy on her face she would get whenever she added a new species to the tank. Kaidan would chide her, telling her they were a stupid pet because you couldn't even play with them. She would just ignore him, kiss him lightly on the lips and saunter off smiling, obviously pleased with herself. Sometimes he would catch her on her own, whenever she was mad, upset or something hadn't quite gone her way, just staring into the tank watching the colourful fish moving gracefully and she would relax, like a great weight had been taken off her shoulders. He would buy her a tank the size of a house and let her fill it with whatever weird fish she wanted to, he wouldn't even complain, if she would just come back to him. He pushed himself away from the glass, this wasn't going well, even the fish were depressing him.
Kaidan moved across to Shepard's desk, data pads were strewn across it, all the information she had been frantically working on the night before London. The sight made him angry, THIS, all of it, is what had taken her from him. But that wasn't what angered him the most, it wasn't what it had taken from him, it was what it had all taken from her. It had consumed her, she would never have been able to ignore those visions and they made her the key to stopping the Reapers, the most important cog in the wheel. The Council had ignored her, held her back, if they'd have listened they would have been better prepared. Someone else could have taken the helm. But of course it had to be her, the one who had always believed, always fought against the Reapers; she would have to be the one to engage the final blow. If they'd have listened it could have been different. Instead, it had taken everything from her; it had even taken her life. Worst of all it had all started with him, he had got too close to the beacon; he had triggered the it and given her those visions. All she had done was save him, like she saved the galaxy, like she saved everything; it was just part of who she was; the saviour. When it really came down to it, it was all his fault and he hated himself for it.
In one swift angered movement he swept all the clutter from her desk sending the data pads skidding across the room. He slammed a fist down on the desk top with an angry sob.
Fuck, this shit. Fuck it all!
He turned and kicked the chair sending it straight into the glass of the fish tank with a thud, startling the fish. He moved down the steps, on the coffee table were the bottle and glasses from their "quick drink". He picked them up, the faint press of her lipstick was still evident on her glass.
"This is my fault!" He shouted as he clutched her glass to his chest and hurtled the other one at the nearest wall. He let out an anguished scream as he flipped the coffee table upside down, the remaining items crashing to the floor.
As he angrily moved towards the bed he stopped, Shepard's N7 hoodie lay discarded on the floor, exactly where she had left it. He approached it steadily, bent down and carefully picked it up. Still crouched, he held it to his face, it still smelt like her. He looked down at the glass still in his hand, his knuckles still white with rage, then he looked around at the destruction he had caused and was suddenly ashamed of himself. Shepard wouldn't have wanted to see him like this and when had he allowed himself to stop believing she was alive. He went back to the coffee table and set it the right way up and placed her glass back on top. He couldn't face sleeping in the bed, the sheets were still tussled the way she had left them, and he didn't want erase her scent from the sheets. Instead, he pulled a blanket out of the cupboard, hunkered down on the sofa, holding her hoodie close to him, hoping his dreams would be filled with her.
