Xavier is looking at me.
Why is it so hard to concentrate?
It's our fifth day of training and I'm doing relatively well. Really well, actually. I even do better than some of the Candor-born initiates. But every time he looks at me, I fall out of my train of thought.
Stop being a stupid girl and focus.
Jack Kang has been enforcing lie detector tests on us. All day, every day. I'm tired all the time, the tests wear me out. It's just initiation though. Once we're members things will get easier. Once all of our truths are out.
Once they know my secret.
I try to imagine the scenario. How they will react. I don't want to be kicked out and thrown into the factionless, but I can't see them being so forgiving. Sometimes the truth hurts, and in my case I'm going to hit rock bottom.
My brain is exhausted from the tests. And it cannot think straight when Xavier is looking at me.
I glace over and give him a stop-looking-at-me expression. His eyes fall away and I can finally focus.
Jack asks me questions and I answer. It feels almost robotic now, something I'm programmed to do. I guess that's how it's supposed to be here.
I finish my last lie test of the day. But there will be more tomorrow. I know this because that's what Bianca told us, and the Candor don't lie. She meant what she said.
I can't decide how I feel about Bianca. She's usually just unbiased and plain, but when gets a personality it's either really nice or really mean. I guess it doesn't matter, after all she is just our trainer. We don't have to like her or hate her, she is just here to do a job.
Xavier is waiting by the door I exit, and I immediately tense up. It was a stupid game of truth or dare, why can't he see that?
But I must have feelings for him too, otherwise I wouldn't be acting like this.
His hand brushes against my waistline for just a moment, and my stomach flip-flops. And my brain is still tired from the lie test. I feel dizzy.
"You're doing really well. Rumor has it your ranked first," he says, and I can hear the marvel in his voice. It's not much of a feat though. I'm just cut out for this life.
I shrug. "Yeah well we won't know that for a few more days, now will we?"
I sound bored. Better then sounding like a love struck idiot.
"But you're better than most of us- even the Candor-borns. You're really good Justine, you just don't recognize it."
I look at him. He wears a calm expression that can only be described as Amity. He is sincerely complimenting me for my ranks.
"Just wait for the final evaluation. Then come back to me."
I walk away to go find Mara and the rest of my friends. I don't need to turn around to know that his face is turned into a frown.