Donakiko: I´m really sorry the last chapter made you cry, all I can do is to apology for that. I read your review and to cheer you up, hopefully, I began to write the next chapter and I´m glad I could finish it today. This chapter might be rather depressing too but I tried to minimize Soap´s hurt feelings and give him some of his strength back. Hope you´re not angry at me for making you sad.
But now enjoy the chapter!
The half-filled glass of scotch stood in the middle of the table, its owner sat alone in the darkness, resting his head in his hands. It was past midnight and everyone was asleep, only the lonely man was up, getting deeper into his thoughts. Sighing of how weak he had become mentally he closed his eyes, a single tear slipping out of his eyes. He couldn´t remember when he cried last time; was his life ever so fucked up? Shaking his head he slowly let his arms drop onto the table, grabbing the glass with a shaking hand and taking a gulp. He felt his throat burn, the distinctive taste of alcohol filled his mouth and he tried to enjoy it. Still holding the glass he smiled tortured. The pill the doctor gave him didn´t work, he couldn´t get any sleep. He had wondered if he should take another but he promised the doctor to follow his orders and not take more. As he had laid himself down, tossed and turned but couldn´t rest he decided that alcohol would help. Maybe. He was sure of the fact that it wouldn´t make him sleep but at least he could bury the sad feeling that had taken control of him.
He raised the glass once more and emptied it. He could already feel the effect of the alcohol, starting to get into his head but he filled the glass once again. He didn´t care if he would have a hangover in the morning, the others sure wouldn´t even notice. And if they would, he was the Captain, he didn´t have to explain himself. He didn´t even give a shit about the General, the worst thing he could do was to send him home and right now he would go without any resistance. Maybe it would have been better if he had died in Prague or if Julia had shot him, he wouldn´t have to worry about himself, his teammates or the world's peace. As he thought about his survival he started to think that all this mess he was in was not his own fault; it was Julia´s. Couldn´t she just let him die? Why couldn´t she stay out of business? Why he of all people? Why didn´t she just shoot him? Why she had to rescue him?
Somehow afraid of his own thoughts he shook his head. It wasn´t her fault, she didn´t save him to let him suffer. She didn´t even know what Natasha had did to him. If he thought about it deeply, she didn´t even know him and he didn´t even know her. Maybe he should have an intensive talk with her if she comes back. Maybe she had a good advice for him this time; maybe she knew how to handle the feelings that overwhelmed him. Sighing again he lifted the glass once more and emptied it with only one gulp. Putting it back on the table he checked the bottle of Scotch he had brought along. As he entered the room it was full and till now he had drank the half; without getting the positive effect he thought drinking would have. He shrugged his shoulders; maybe he needed to drink more. He reached for the bottle to pour the content into his glass again as suddenly the door to the room got opened. Surprised he let the bottle slip out of his hand; making it burst on the floor. He cursed loudly, who in hell was up that late? Who dared to disturb him in his self-doubts? Impatient he waited for the troublemaker to switch the light on.
Wondering who sat in the room in completely darkness she switched the light on and met with the eyes of the young Captain. She could tell he looked very troubled and somehow hurt? Swallowing hard she closed the door and stepped further into the room, seeing the shattered pieces of the bottle on the floor. In a reflex she stepped up to the mess on the floor, kneeled down and began to pick the pieces up. The burning smell of alcohol in her nose, she carefully collected every shred of the glass she could take into her hands and threw them in the dustbin, which was near her. She looked around, trying to find a broom to sweep the rest of the bottle up. The Captain must have recognized what she was looking for, stood up from his spot, opened a small wooden door and came out of the storeroom with a broom and a dustpan. She watched him kneel down and sweep the rest of the glass up, putting it all into the dustbin. The Captain sat down again and stared down on his hands, not saying a single word to her. She wondered what had gotten into him.
Pretty insecure she took a seat next to him, watching him closely. Had he cried? His eyes were red and they seemed to stare expressionless into the nothing. She was pretty sure that something bad had happened to the man; something he needed to talk about. Unsure if she was the right person to talk to him she kept quiet, her eyes still resting on him. Recognizing how his hands began to tremble she laid one of her hands on it and Soap stared at her. She just gave him a warmly smile and accepted him to tell her she should go away but the Captain didn´t make a sound. She felt that something weighted heavily on him; she needed to make him talk.
"What´s going on here Captain? Why are you sitting here alone in the darkness?" She softly asked him, not wanting to upset him.
Soap struggled with himself. Should he talk to her? Could she help him? She was a very strong woman, he was sure of that. Otherwise she wouldn´t be Price´s wife but could he trust her? He barely knew her but maybe for this reason she was the right person to talk to. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. He should give it a try. It couldn´t get any worse.
"Can´t sleep. Nightmares keep me awake." He said carefully.
"Side effect of the work?" She asked him and he opened his eyes again to look at her. He thought about her words for a moment and nodded.
"Have you talked to a doctor about it?" She continued to ask and he nodded.
"He gave me some pills but they didn´t work." He answered.
"So you tried it with alcohol?" She asked somehow worried.
"It was the only thing I thought that would help me to forget about my nightmares." He stated and leered to his empty glass.
"It perhaps makes you forget but it doesn´t solve any problems." She said and slid the glass aside, making Soap look back at her.
"What else could I do? I don´t know what to do anymore." Soap whispered and shook his head, the bad memories coming back.
"Share your problems. Talking always helps, it might hurt, I admit that, but you will feel better after you got it off your chest." She told him and smiled.
"That´s easier said than done. I never was one who shares his emotions with others. I´m not a simple Soldier, I´m a Captain, we don´t have the time to let our emotions take control of ourselves. All we have to do is work and be strong for the people which need our help and our team."
"Is this really what you think? You're no machine Captain. Sure you have to focus more than anyone else on your work but who says that you have no right to show your emotions? Who tells you how to live your life? I´m sure you, as the Captain of this Task Force, know about the emotions every single soldier in your team has. So why do you think you´re not allowed to show your feelings?"
In his head Soap repeated the words Gisela had told him. Deep inside he knew she was right; he absolutely knew the emotions of his team; he knew that Roach was nervous before every mission; he knew that Worm always got excited every time they went to a country they never where before; he knew that Poet´s biggest passion was to write stories about their life here; he actually knew that Ghost loved it to be around the others. So why did he try to handle his emotions all by himself? Why didn´t he talk to Price about his feelings after the torture? Why didn´t he support him as he told him Mac didn´t give a shit about Vitaly´s actions? Why was he too blind to see that his friend needed him? Why did he allow Natasha to take control over his life? He shook his head, he should take the opportunity to talk and get rid of all that crap that strained him.
"As Andrew got me captured and Julia left me alone in this room, there was that woman, Natasha. She came into the room and tried to satisfy her anxiety for physical satisfaction. At first I tried to escape from her touch but I was bond and she had a knife, with which she forced me to stop my movements. She kissed me and I thought she would be satisfied if I just kiss her back. I really thought she would leave me but I was wrong. As she recognized I was kissing her back she slipped her hands down into my pants and….well….she tried to….rape me." Soap said and looked down to his hands; he felt tears built up in his eyes again.
He tried to hold them back, he was a grown up man, it wouldn´t fit him to cry like a little child. He struggled hard with himself, he swallowed and tried to breathe steady but as Gisela laid one hand on his back and told him it would be okay, he began to sob and the tears ran down his cheeks like waterfalls. Soap didn´t know how long he sat there crying but he was thankful that Gisela didn´t say anything to him while he was crying. She just sat there, her hand resting on Soap´s back and watched him cry. It wasn´t an unusual scene for her; she had seen the strongest man cry and she knew Soap would feel better after he let his tears out. She was sure he would be able to handle the whole situation better.
After a while Soap had cried his eyes out and he had to admit it felt good. He exhaled deeply and whipped his eyes dry with the sleeve of his pullover. A little smile formed on his lips as he turned to face Gisela again.
"Thanks." He said shortly and watched her getting up from her spot.
"No need to thank me Captain. I told you talking would help." She said and made her way to the door.
"Gisela?" Soap called her name and she looked back at him.
"If I can do something for you let me know." Soap told her and she nodded.
"That´s a great offer Captain. Maybe someday I come back to it. You should try to sleep now." Gisela said and opened the door, before she turned around once more and looked serious at him.
"Remember Captain, we all have our demons, the only thing that matters is to face them and realize that they only can hurt us if we allow it." With this statement she left the room.
Soap smiled and stood up; she was right. He was sure he never could completely forget what Natasha had done to him but he would do anything he could to make the best out of this experience and turn the pain she caused to him into strength. Strength to protect the people he cared of; strength to stop every crazy human who tried to destroy the world. Soap left the room and walked to his room. He laid himself down and felt into sleep.
A sleep without nightmares.
