The morning was gentle and quiet, until Chi-chi's grating voice pierced the calm air.
"GOHAN! GET YOUR ASS TO SCHOOL ALREADY!" she screams from the kitchen.
"God damn it mom, I'm trying to take a shit!" Gohan yells back as he desperately tries to pinch off a log.
Goten sneaks over and knocks on the door. "Hope you're not naked in there, Gohan!" He smirks, as he readies his polaroid camera. "Because it's HUMILIATE YOUR BITCH ASS OLDER BROTHER DAY!" Goten yells as he bursts open the door and snaps a picture of Gohan wiping his ass.
"Goten, what the fuck!" Gohan tries to cover up his privates, and accidentally drops another turd from his ass in the heat of the moment.
Goten continues snapping a few more photos. "Oh yeah baby, these are going viral on Twitter for sure!"
"God damn it Goten, I'm gonna kick your ass!" Gohan yells, waddling over to the door with his pants around his ankles.
"What are you dipshits doing in there!?" Chichi walks in from the kitchen. "Are you still here, Gohan!? I told you to get your ass to school!"
"But mom, Goten took photos of me without my consent!" Gohan cries. "And he's laughing about it!"
"Guess what, I used to get groped by old men without my consent." Chichi pulls Gohan out of the bathroom and throws his backpack at him. "Now get the fuck to school before I dump your anime figures in the garbage disposal."
"This is bullshit!" Gohan yells and heads out the door, as Goten continues snickering.
...
"What a gay ass morning." Gohan mumbles to himself as he flies through the sky. "You know what? Fuck school. I'm taking the day off."
For the first time ever, Gohan decided to skip class. "I'm going to be dead soon anyways, might as well check a few items off my bucket list before I go."
There were a few things Gohan wanted to try that he never had the chance to yet. Gohan thought about what he wanted to do first while loitering around in a Wendy's parking lot.
"Well, I had Wendy's last week..." Gohan rubs his chin. "You know, I always wanted to be a super hero. I wonder if Bulma can hook me up with a cool outfit."
Gohan immediately floors it over to the Capsule Corp. As he approaches the entrance, Bulma is having a heated conversation with a few Jehova's Witnesses.
"For the last fucking time, this is a business address, and there's even a sign that says no soliciting!" Bulma yells at them.
"But Mrs. Briefs, we just want to make sure you know the word of Je-"
"Listen, I'm literally friends with demon kings, I don't think I'd be accepted in your stupid ass religion anyways," Bulma interrups them. "Now get the fuck off my property you cockroaches."
The Jehovah's Witnesses walk off without their morale barely intact, but they still try to approach Gohan.
"Yeah, no, fuck off." Gohan strolls pass them. "Hey Bulma, Vegeta's misanthropy finally rubbing off on you, huh?"
"Oh hey, Gohan!" Bulma gives him a flirty wink. "He has more than that rubbing off on me!" She giggles.
"Uh that... really wasn't the answer I was expecting." Gohan still gets a slight hard on for some reason.
"What can I do for ya, kid?" Bulma asks him as she lights up a cigarette. "Come on in, we're letting the cool air escape."
Gohan heads inside the building, it smells like cigarette smoke and really expensive perfume. "Are those Newports?"
"Gohan, I'm 38, not a 20 year old college student." Bulma responds sharply. "Don't ever imply that shit again."
"Right, my bad." Gohan nervously laughs, and suddenly begins thinking of the time he jerked off to a fantasy of Bulma giving him a blowjob, except his dick was an oversized cigarette.
"Now wait a second, it's a Thursday morning." Bulma suddenly realizes. "Aren't you, like, in high school now, kid?"
"Er, yeah, well, you know how we keep secrets between each other?" Gohan says.
"Oh yeah, like that time I didn't tell your mom I caught you stealing a pair of my panties?" She reminds him, taking another drag of her cigarette.
Gohan reddens up. "Yeah, yeah, but like, a little less fucked up this time. I'm skipping school, but I promise there's a good reason!"
"Like what?" Bulma asks him curiously.
Gohan pulls out his Samsung S5 and shows Bulma a news article. "Well, check this out."
"Jeez, a bank is being held up with multiple hostages?" Bulma takes a long drag. "So you're telling me you want to rob a bank?"
The fuck? I thought this bitch was a genius. "No, Bulma," Gohan puts his phone back into his pocket. "What I'm saying is, I want to help them out and stop all the crimes going on around Satan City, but obviously I can't show off my powers in public, mom would kill me!"
Bulma just stares at him. "Well, um, you could always, ya know, not be a pussy."
Gohan rolls his eyes. "Look, can you just make me a super cool super hero outfit?"
Bulma laughs in his face. "So that's what you were getting at! Oh little Gohan, you sure are cute."
Gohan blushes. Is she trying to fuck me?
"Alright, Gohan." Bulma finishes her cigarette, tossing the butt into an ash tray. "I'll play into your little fantasy. What kind of look are you going for?"
"Gee, I didn't even think about it..." Gohan thinks for a second. "You ever heard of the band Slipknot?"
Oh my god this kid is a fucking loser. "Uh, yeah... I'll cook you something right up, just give me a like a half hour." Bulma hurries over into her lab.
"Thanks Bulma, you're the best!" Gohan waves. "Welp, I wonder if Trunks is here."
Gohan wanders around the building, and can hear distant screaming from the training room. He takes a peek inside to see what's going on.
"WHAT DO YOU HATE!?" Vegeta screams at Trunks, striking him hard in the gut.
Trunks reels back. "Ergh... M-minecraft.." he gasps.
Vegeta strikes him again. "WHAT DO YOU LOVE!?"
"Ugh... Fighting and... hurting people and s-shit..." Trunks collapses on the floor.
"Heh, that's my boy." Vegeta kicks him in the gut another time for good measure.
Gohan quietly shuts the door. "Sometimes I'm glad my father is dead."
"Gohan, get your cute little ass over here!" Bulma calls out.
"Oh shit, that's me!" Gohan runs over to the lab. "Gee, that was quick."
"I have the fastest 3D printer in the whole world." Bulma giggles, and tosses Gohan a little capsule. "There ya go, sweetie, tell me what you think."
Gohan snaps it open and instantly transforms into the classic Great Saiyaman outfit.
"Wow Bulma, this is totally not what I asked for at all!" Gohan looks in awe at his costume. "But I fucking love it! Bandana, shades, holy shit I really feel like 'Pac right now." Gohan starts humming the Hail Mary beat.
"Uh yeah, it looks great on you." Bulma holds her mouth, trying not to laugh. "Gonna take a stroll through the city?"
"Hell yeah, I gotta save those hostages!" Gohan clenches his fists heroically. "Thanks again, Bulma!"
Bulma tries to stop Gohan but he's already blasting 2pac in through the bluetooth speakers in his helmet.
"Holy shit, that was a joke outfit." Bulma stares into the sky as Gohan flies off. "What a fucking moron." Bulma shrugs and goes back to doing nerd shit.
...
Gohan strolled through the air, feeling like a G in his Halloween costume, blasting 2pac like he was in an all white neighborhood.
"Now then, where's that bank at?" Gohan scans the city, suddenly seeing a large crowd surrounding a building. "Aha!"
The bank was surrounded by a swarm of people, including media, police, and the typical teenager livestreaming the even on Twitch. At the entrance of the bank stood a few large, muscular men guarding the door with rifles.
"Alright, no funny business and the none of these hostages will get they asses fucked, you get what I'm sayin' compadres?" says the leader of the three men.
"Please, my wife is in there!" one of the men in the crowd shout out.
"My husband is in there!" another man yells.
"Hah, fag!" the criminal laughs."As of right now, I'm the new mayor of Satan City, and gay marriage is officially illegal again!"
The crowd protests in anger. "Hey, you can't do that! Mr. Satan is the mayor of Satan City!" one mouthbreather shouts out.
"And this leads to the question: where is Mr. Satan?" A news correspondant speaks in front of a TV camera. "For hours now, Satan City Bank has been held up by a team of vicious criminals as they loot the city's money. Mr. Satan, nowhere to be found, is believed to still be recovering from a coma after being blasted through the walls of a high school by a mysterious illegal immigrant just one week ago. In the city's darkest hour, it seems there is no one to save us from these ruthless criminals. Even the cops are dumbfounded at this very situation."
The camera quickly cuts to earlier footage of the police trying to stop the situation. "So, uh... have any of you ever shot a gun before?" The Satan City sheriff asks his fellow officers, who shrug in confusion.
"Jesus christ, this is worse than I thought!" Gohan gasps. "I gotta do something, quick. Time to make my grand entrance!" He grins, and immediately flies to the entrance of the bank, facing the evil criminals head on.
Alright, Mr. Satan likes to do those gay poses, I bet the crowd will go nuts if I do some too! Gohan thinks to himself, smirking.
"Have no fear!" Gohan yells, and begins to do the most autistic looking fight poses imaginable. "Uh! Yeah! Anime! Gangsta Rap!" Gohan finishes up as the crowd stares in silence. "The GRRREEAAAT SAIYAAMANNN IS HEEEERE!"
The crowd and criminals stare at Gohan in a very painful silence.
"Alright, who's retard is that?" a man from the crowd calls out.
"This just in!" The news reporter speaks again to the TV camera. "It appears that a mentally disabled manchild has approached the criminals, and is trying to engage!"
The bank robber steps over to Gohan, pointing his gun towards him. "I don't got any sympathy for retards. Your parents fucked up by not aborting you, kid." He cocks his rifle. "Allow me to do the honors."
He quickly unloads the whole clip on Gohan as the crowd watches in horror, but their slow ass human eyes couldn't see that Gohan blocked every bullet with the tip of his finger.
"Pft, a Brooklyn city cop can shoot better than you." Gohan says smugly.
"What the fuck, this kid ate the whole clip!" The criminal throws his gun down in anger. "So that's the power of autism, eh? Well you can dodge the bullets, but let's see if you can dodge these fists!"
The robber sprints toward Gohan and lunges at him, but Gohan swiftly dodges the attack, swerving to the side. He knees the robber right in the gut, sending him to the ground.
"Oh fuck..." he grasps his stomach as he winces on the ground. "I can feel the Whopper Jr. I had earlier in my throat."
"Holy shit, that retarded kid just fucked that criminal up! He's gonna save the day!" The crowd cheers and applauds for the Great Saiyaman.
"Whopper Jr's are for pussies." Gohan walks toward the other two guarding the door. "You trying to throw up a Whopper Jr too?"
"We only eat at Subway." One of them responds, cracking his knuckles. "You don't think you can beat two of us can ya, kid?"
Gohan angrily clenches his fist. "I hate Jared Fogle!" And dashes up to the two, quickly grabbing their skulls and smashing them together like a PB&J sandwich.
"Oh fuck, I think I'm gay now..." They both collapse unconscious on the ground.
"Heh, now time to save some hostages!" Gohan quickly rushes inside the bank, feeling more confident than ever as the crowd cheers him on.
"Incredible!" The newsman continues reporting. "It appears the mentally handicapped boy has accessed his retard strength and is using it to defeat the bank robbers! We may see a happy ending to this situation after all!"
The tied up hostages squirm and moan for help once Gohan enters the bank.
"Huh? What the fuck?" Another one of the criminals turns around to see the Great Saiyaman. "Yo, who let the McNugget buddies cosplayer in here?"
"Haha, that's some 90s shit, dawg!" His accomplice yells.
"Shut the fuck up." Gohan walks forward slowly. "Let the hostages go and I promise you won't shit blood tonight."
"Jokes on you pal, I get anal fissures like my ass was some wet paper." The smug bank robber responds, and quickly grabs one of the hostages, holding a gun right to her noggin. "Back the fuck up or I'll blow this bitch's brains out."
"P-please!" She cries out.
"Oh yeah?" Gohan lowers his head down, and puts two of his fingers on his forehead. "Not if I blast yours first." He instant transmissions behind the criminal and fires a key blast that literally blasts his head off, splattering his blood and brains all over the poor girl.
"Oh my god!" The rest of the robbers shout out in fear, and scramble out the exit. "Retreat! Retreat!"
"Heh, got 'em. Great Saiyaman saves the day!" Gohan does another gay pose. The hostages look fearfully at Gohan, now even more scared of him than the bank robbers.
"You're all safe, and get to live another day!" Gohan proudly exclaims. "Hm?" He notices the girl he saved shaking and staring into space, clearly traumatized by what Gohan just did. "Uh, you okay?"
She doesn't respond, and Gohan slowly begins to back out. "I might've fucked that up a bit..."
...
Outside the bank, the fleeing bank robbers were successfully arrested. As Gohan exited the building, he was met with enormous praise and applause, although everyone was yelling the name 'Retard Man' instead of Great Saiyaman.
"T-thank you all!" He responds to the crowd. Soon, media and news reporters begin to swarm him and people begin taking photographs. "Ah fuck, I hate bright flashes!" Gohan yells as he bolts off into the sky and flies away, but is blinded by the flash and crashes into a tree not too far off.
"Aw fuck, thank god I had this helmet to protect my head." He brushes the dirt off his outfit and suddenly hears an all too familiar voice.
"What the fuck?" Videl stares in shock at Gohan while sipping a Starbucks beverage. "Did you just fall from the sky or did someone lace my Frappucino with acid?"
"V-videl!?" Gohan jumps back as his heart rate rapidly increases. "S-shouldn't you be in school!?"
"School is for fucking losers." Videl takes a sip of her drink in really bitchy, upper class white girl sort of way. "Wait a sec, how did you know my name?"
Gohan remembered that he was in his Saiyaman outfit and she couldn't recognize him. "Oh, er, well, uh, who doesn't know you? I mean, Mr. Satan's daughter and all... hehe." Gohan rubs his neck awkwardly.
Videl takes another long sip of her drink. "Yeah, whatever." She walks up towards Gohan, closely examining his gay outfit. "What the fuck are you wearing, anyways? You look like a rejected Power Rangers villain."
"Heh, you say that like it's a bad thing." Gohan thinks about doing another pose but doesn't want to look gay.
"Cut the shit, fag, take the mask off and let me see who you are." Videl bluntly tells him.
"Sorry cutie, but I can't do that." Gohan tells her, feeling way more confident as they Saiyaman.
Videl swiftly kicks him right in the dick. "Say that to me again and I'll kick your ass so hard you'll miss sitting, motherfucker."
"Yo what the fuck, chill..." Gohan clenches his balls. "Look, you clearly don't get how superheroes work, I can't just reveal my identity to you."
Videl tries not to laugh."You, superhero? Don't make me laugh."
"You check Twitter in the last 20 minutes?" Gohan asks.
Videl feels her phone vibrate. "Shit." She checks, and sees Saiyaman trending after saving the hostages.
She growls at him in frustration. "Yeah, so what!? I could've saved them easily, my heart just wasn't in it today." She folds her arms.
"Just admit it Videl!" Gohan can't resist the urge to pose up again. "You were impressed by the Great Sai-ya-man! Hyuah!"
Videl chuckles, showing Gohan her phone. "Yeah, more like the Great Retard Man. I actually don't know which name is more humiliating."
Gohan lowers his head down in embarrassment.
"But you know what, I'll admit, it's kind of cute." Videl rolls her eyes. "I can't believe I just said that!"
Gohan blushes, feeling really good for the first time in months. "Y-you think I'm cute."
"Well, take that stupid helmet off and we'll see!" Videl tries to trick him.
Gohan turns around, really wishing he could. "I'm sorry, but I just can't."
"Ugh, whatever, fag." Videl takes another sip. "I saw you flying from the sky, so why don't you give me a ride to my house?"
"S-sure!" Gohan exclaims. "Um, so like, do I carry you or-"
Videl sighs. "No, weirdo, I don't want you groping me. I'll climb on your back." She hops on Gohan's back, and Gohan really hopes she doesn't notice his boner.
"Alright, hold on tight!" Gohan springs into the air flying pretty fast. Videl screeches in excitement, dumping her Starbucks on cars below her. Gohan felt pretty happy for once, he really wished he could have told Videl the truth, but knew he couldn't (mostly because he's a fucking pussy). He almost put off the entire school massacre until Videl uttered these words:
"So, uh, any crushes you got at your school? Sharpner? Willy?" Gohan pauses for a moment. "Gohan?"
Videl laughs uncontrollably. "Pft, yeah right. Sharpner's a try hard, Willy is a fucking weirdo, and Gohan is a loser. I wouldn't fuck with any of them. Especially Gohan. Fuck him and his weird ass dad. I swear, if I ever see that green piece of shit again, he's gonna wish he never left the Middle East."
"Oh..." Gohan said in a low, disappointed voice. They finally arrived at Videl's mansion.
"Well thanks, fag-er, I mean, Retard Man." Videl laughs. "Just so you know, if we meet again, I'm definitely going to kick your ass. I really hate anybody who likes anime or video games. Anyway, seeya later!"
"Yeah, seeya..." Gohan mumbles, and flies off, crying on the way home.
...
Gohan finally arrived home, only to be greeted by a hysterical Goten.
"Holy shit, Gohan, you have to see this!" Goten points to the TV. "Some autistic nerd named Retard Man saved a bank robbery and killed like two people."
Gohan sighs and heads for his room. "Fuck off, Goten."
"Oh come on, how can you not find that ironic." Goten continues cracking up.
With an important item off Gohan's bucket list, he didn't really have much to do besides try one last time to steal a pair of Bulma's used underwear, and immediately begin hitting up Trunks. Gohan was curious to see the reaction to Great Saiyaman at school, and wondered if there was a way to get Videl to take his virginity before the massacre.
Stay tuned for the next chapter of TOSHSM, where things take a dark turn.
