AN: Thank you so much for all my wonderful reviews, they really made my day! Hope you enjoy :)
Chapter Ten:
I never really talk much about why I first started to see Dr Kopner. I try not to think about it most of the time, although Dr Kopner doesn't approve of this strategy. "Avoidance" it's called, and according to her I do it rather a lot.
Sometimes it can be a good thing. Sometimes thinking about stuff too much does more damage than good. Sometimes thinking about stuff keeps me awake at night, makes me wish I was still a child again – when I didn't know about a world of vampires and werewolves. When all I knew was that my mother loved me, and I hated visiting Forks.
Simpler doesn't always mean better though.
"You're passive aggressive," Dr Kopner had said to me once. I hated the way she said the words. It made me feel small and inadequate. I knew she didn't mean to make me feel that way. She wouldn't be a very good psychologist if she made me feel bad about myself after all. But she did make me confront aspects about myself that I wasn't always comfortable with.
So far I think I've made it all sound like a bit of a breeze – leaving Forks and going to London. But in all honesty I was a mess. The details aren't all that important I suppose but when I was first asked to see Dr Kopner she threw quite a few big words around and was "very concerned for my wellbeing." I suppose what it all came down to was that I had some rather serious issues that needed to be worked through.
I did try to be as honest with her as I could. But as I didn't want to be hospitalised for insanity, I could never reveal to her that I truly believed in Vampires and Werewolves and was convinced that some big mean scary vampires would come looking for me at some point n the foreseeable future, which was the root of so many of my problems. So while Dr Kopner helped me through abandonment issues and something she commonly referred to as PTSD, she was never able to completely cure me as I knew she wanted to.
I wanted to live freely, feel infinite and young, but there was always that sense of fear that weighed me down, that prevented me from letting go completely. And I knew I could never, and would never, escape from it.
I suppose the reason I'm bringing this all up now, is because I woke up screaming the other night. Blood red eyes. Ashen, dusty skin. Glinting, white teeth.
I lay, shivering in my bed, drenched in a cold sweat as I tried to calm my frantically beating heart. Five years later I still had not recovered from my visit to the Volturi and their ominous promise that they would like to visit me when I too had been made immortal.
As I lay in my bed and pulled my covers up tighter around my chin, I thought again about Alice's request of me – that I meet and speak with Edward. I knew that I would have to. It seemed inevitable and as much as I had hoped otherwise, I knew this chapter of my life was not quite over yet.
I wished Jacob was in the next room then immediately thought better of this – what would he think if he heard me waking in the middle of the night screaming?
Henry had been around once when I'd had one of these dreams. It had taken a long time to calm me and he had eventually phoned Dr Kopner, frantic with worry. My sessions had doubled after that experience.
I rolled over in my bed and smacked my pillow into a more comfortable shape. I needed to go back to sleep. Charlie was arriving tomorrow morning to celebrate my birthday, and as Jacob was planning me a birthday party, I knew I'd have to stay up late.
I tried to distract myself with thoughts of work and the latest book I was reading and finally I drifted back into a dreamless sleep.
ooo
Jacob had gone all out for my birthday party. His small house was bursting with light, music and warmth as I stepped through the front door. There was an explosion of streamers and balloons in the living room, which was crowded with some of my favourite people. Charlie and Billy where taking animatedly with Jacob's friend Jack and I could just make out the words "tackle" and "flathead". Sue stood by Charlie's side nodding occasionally but not contributing much. I decided to stay clear of that conversation for a while – the men could talk about fishing for hours if you let them.
Mel was also there. She waved at me as I walked by and seemed to be in a fiery debate with Jacob's roommate Chris. Knowing Mel's quick temper and sharp tongue I almost felt sorry for Chris, except I knew he probably deserved whatever he was getting.
Ben and Angela stood together near the roaring fireplace, Angela sipping delicately on a soda as she stroked a hand across her growing belly. They were standing with a very tall, dark skinned man with a flop of shiny black hair and I laughed when I realised who it was. Seth had grown a lot over the past four years but his infectious smile and mischievous eyes had not changed a bit.
He yelled my name when he saw me and pulled me into a scorching hug. I'd forgotten how hot a werewolf could be, and it made me marvel at the change in Jacob.
"Bella Swan!" Seth marvelled, holding me at arms length and look me up and down ashamedly. "You've really shrunk, honey!"
I punched him softly in the arm as he laughed and ruffled my hair.
"You mean you're now taller than most trees," I retorted. "How old are you now, anyway? Forty?"
He laughed again. "Yeah something like that. Boy it's good to see you again Bel. Jacob's over the moon to have you back too."
Jacob, who had just walked over with my drink, smacked Seth around the head.
"Getting weak, dude," Seth laughed.
"Don't remind me," Jacob replied but grinned at the same time.
"This party is so great, Jacob, thanks for organising it!"
Jacob just shrugged, embarrassed, and shoved the drink into my hand as the doorbell rang. He disappeared and I chatted happily with Angela and Seth until I heard a voice cry, "Bellaaa!"
I turned to see small Alice darting across the room, a wrapped present in her arms and a wicked grin on her lips. Jacob trailed behind her, his face blank and passive. I could tell he was trying not to show distaste at the latest arrival.
"I didn't realise you were coming!" I exclaimed (feeling a bit guilty that I hadn't invited her) as Alice hugged me delicately then held out the gift for me to take. "And you shouldn't have bought me anything!"
"Don't be silly," she just laughed. "And Jacob invited me."
I raised my eyebrows at Jacob who just shrugged and walked off to talk to some of his friends from work.
"Open it!" Alice insisted and I rolled my eyes before undoing the ribbon and carefully peeling off the wrapping paper. Inside was a shoebox.
"Shoes, Alice?" I laughed and then blanched when I opened the box and saw the trademark red soles of my new Louboutins. "Alice!" I gasped now, my tone entirely different. "These must have cost you a fortune!"
She shrugged. "Do you like them?"
"I love them," I gushed, running a finger over the soft leather and eyeing the high stiletto heels. "I don't know if I'll be able to walk in them."
"I've seen you," she said with a wink. "You pull them off very well. I'm glad your shoulder's better, how long has it been out of the sling?"
I was sure she already knew the answer to this question but before I could reply, Charlie spotted Alice and came over, blushing as she gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek.
As the evening passed, a warm fuzzy feeling came over me and I knew it wasn't just from the wine. Why had I left all of these people who loved me? What had I been running from? The same old questions over and over. And it didn't matter now anyway; I was here, and I was happy. Surely that was all that mattered.
Then I remembered my decision to meet up with Edward and my stomach squirmed uncomfortably.
Jacob seemed to have noticed the change in me, and came over. Leaning close to my ear, he whispered, "Come with me."
I wasn't sure what he wanted but I finished the last swallow of my drink and put my glass down before following him out of the cosy living room and up the staircase to his small bedroom. I hadn't been in his room before, but it was neat and tidy, a few posters of motorcycles tacked to the otherwise bare white walls. Most of the floor space was taken up by a double bed, which had been somewhat sloppily made. A large wardrobe stood against one wall, a sofa against another.
"I wanted to give you your present away from everyone else," he said quietly and I felt my stomach squirm as he sat on the bed and patted the spot next to him.
Nervously I sat beside him, unsure of what was about to happen. Reaching behind him, he pulled out a badly wrapped package. "Happy Birthday Bella."
"Honestly, Jake," I said, "You've already done so much by throwing me this party – and inviting Alice! When you knew you didn't have to. You really didn't need to get me anything else."
He ignored all of this. "Open it."
I tore off the wrapping paper and found a beautiful leather bound notebook and a heavy metallic pen.
"I thought you should stop reading so many stories and write one of your own."
I gaped down at the book and pen in my hand. "I…wow, I don't know what to say, Jacob."
He shrugged. "Then don't say anything."
I looked up into his eyes, startled by how close he was sitting to me. My stomach squirmed as he reached out and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear.
"Bella," he whispered, his warm sweet breath tickling my face. "You are so incredibly beautiful."
I knew confusion was apparent in my eyes as I gazed up at him, unable to move or even think. He leaned in even closer, stroking my cheek gently with his thumb then tracing the curve of my mouth with a gentle finger.
"Jacob," I managed to stutter. "What are you doing?"
His hand dropped and he looked away from me with a sigh.
"Nothing, I guess."
But this wasn't good enough. I captured his hand in my own and drew it back up to my face, not quite daring to kiss his fingers as I was longing to. I knew I needed to talk to him. I had to communicate my feelings and find out how he felt as well. But what if he rejected me? He'd already told me that he got over me while I was away. I already knew that! So why was he touching me and acting as though there was something between us?
Suddenly I realised that I was fed up and cross. No, not cross. I was angry.
I pushed his hand away and stood up, storming over to his window and glaring out into the darkness, my arms crossed tightly over my chest. I was not going to allow my happiness to depend on someone else. If he wanted more than friendship from me then he could damn well tell me that.
"Bella?" I sensed that Jacob had stood as well, but I didn't turn around. Despite my anger I didn't want to see the hurt or confusion in his eyes.
"You can't just play with me like this, Jacob. It's not fair."
"What?" he placed a hand on my shoulder to turn me around but I shrugged him off, refusing to turn and look at him. I knew I was acting like a child but for the moment I didn't care. In fact, I felt like crying. What was wrong with me? Why were my emotions all over the place? "Bella, what is going on?" he asked again.
"When we met up for dinner, that first night I arrived here. You said 'Loved. Past tense.' You told me that you'd moved on and you were over me. So what are you doing now?"
He sighed but didn't say anything so I turned around to glare at him. He was looking at the floor, his hands thrust deep in his pocket. Ashamedly, I wiped away an angry tear.
"That's what I thought. You don't get to just mess around with me like I don't have feelings; that's not fair. You don't get to treat me like Laura."
I left the room, closing the bedroom door behind me with a sharp click. I immediately felt guilty for the way I had spoken to him. He'd organised a beautiful party for me after all and bought me such a thoughtful present.
I shook my head to clear it and returned to the guests.
Jacob's POV
I stood frozen to the spot for a good minute after Bella had snapped the door closed behind her. I hated that I didn't run after her. That I didn't tell her how I really felt. But the hypocrisy of the situation made me angry.
Hadn't she done the exact same thing to me years ago? Hadn't she held my hand and touched me and hugged me the way people in a relationship do? And then the second that filthy bloodsucker was back on the scene she kicked me to the curb. And now she had the nerve to turn around and tell me to stop playing with her.
I sighed and sat heavily on my bed, burying my face in my hands. Maybe she'd just had the guts to do what I should have when I was a kid.
But of course I wanted her. How could she think I didn't? Had I really been that good at convincing Bella that I was over her? I thought the lie had been more transparent than glass.
And then I remembered the tear running down her face. Maybe, just maybe, she'd been upset with me not because she thought I was playing with her, but because she had feelings for me now.
This idea set my heart racing. But could I possibly hope?
I got to my feet. I had to try. What was the worse that could happen? She was angry with me anyway. Surely it would be better for me to tell her how I really felt and she rejected me than she thought I was just having a bit of fun with her.
But I had to do something first though. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through the contacts until I found the one I wanted. The phone rang twice before she picked up.
"Hey baby, what's up? Do you wanna come over?"
"No," I replied shortly. "Laura, listen to me. It's over between us. I don't want to see you anymore. I'm not in love with you and I never was. I'm in love with someone else. I'm sorry."
I let her cry down the phone for a minute, knowing I was a bastard for doing it this way, but it had to be over between us before I tried to start anything with Bella. Finally, over the noise of her sobbing, I told her I had to go then hung up.
Rushing downstairs, I was ambushed by Chris who was carrying two drinks back down the hallway. "There's Martha Stewart!" he joked. "Where've you been? Surely you should be in the party, straightening some serviettes or something?"
I ignored his annoying smirk and pushed past him into the crowded living room. Bella was talking quietly with Angela and Alice when I walked up to her.
"Bella, I need to talk to you," I said bluntly, interrupting their conversation.
She looked at me for a moment before handing Alice her drink and following me out of the living room, down the hallway and into the kitchen. She leaned against the counter and gazed steadily at me, her eyes unreadable.
"I just broke up with Laura," I said feebly, unsure of how to begin.
"Congratulations," was her dry response.
I swore under my breath and stormed over to her, pushing her against the countertop as I pressed our bodies together. Then I cupped her cheek, tangling my fingers in her curls as I tilted her face to meet mine, pressing my lips against hers with more force than I had intended.
To my surprise, I could feel her body react as she pressed herself harder into me, one of her arms slowly gliding up my back, her hand grabbing onto my t-shirt.
Our kiss became slower and gentler, some of the desperation fading until I finally released her lips and took a small step backwards. Her eyelids had opened and she gazed up at me, confusion stamped across her big dark eyes.
"Bella, when I told you that I was over you, I lied."
I'd meant it to come out smoother than that, but the blunt truth would have to do.
She gazed at me stunned for a moment before she finally asked, "why?"
I took another step back form her and ran my hand through my already dishevelled hair. "I don't know," I replied wracking my brain for answers. "Because I should have got over you – and I kind of did in a way. But as soon as you returned it all came flooding back. From the moment you walked into the garage I just wanted to feel you in my arms."
"But Jake," she whispered, but I wouldn't let her interrupt.
I pressed on, "Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me when we were still in high school? I was so completely in love with you but you were always in love with him. It killed me, Bella. Nothing has ever hurt that much. And I could see how bad he was for you – everyone could, but you stayed with him anyway. And then when you broke up with him, you just left. And I didn't want to put myself through that pain again when you came back. But it's you." I reached out and grabbed her hands. "It's you, Bella, and I can't stay away from you. More than anything, you're my best friend. And no matter what you say tonight, I want you to always be my best friend."
She didn't say anything for a very long moment and I knew I had gone too far. I'd lost her again, and I would never be able to get her back.
But then….
"Kiss me again," she demanded.
I didn't need telling twice. I grabbed her and pulled her into me, exploring her lips and mouth with a kind of heat that I had only day dreamed about. I ran my hands down her back and over her jeans, then lifted her small body up. She reacted by wrapping her legs around my waist, her arms clenched tightly around me as she nipped gently at my lips, begging entrance.
A small cough from the doorway made me jump back from Bella and I nearly dropped her on the floor in my haste to release her. Blushing furiously, Bella and I both turned to see Seth grinning in the doorframe. Before he spoke I grabbed a glass from the counter, took Bella's hand and pushed past him back into the living room.
ooo
Bella's POV
After everyone had left, and we had put up with meaningful looks and winks from Seth all evening, Jacob and I were left to clean up the empty glasses and half-eaten plates of food scattered around the living room. Charlie was busy making up the sofa bed for Billy to sleep on and he was going to stay in the guest bedroom before driving them both back to Forks the next day.
Jacob and I busied ourselves with the washing up waiting until, at last, a yawning Charlie bid us goodnight and went upstairs. I could already hear Billy's snores coming from the living room and Chris had vanished halfway through the party, to bed I assumed.
I continued to scrub at a plate, my attention focused on my soapy hands, but listening for sounds of Jacob beside me. I didn't dare look at him. I could hear his ragged breathing and the sound of the tea towel wiping a plate dry. It felt as though static electricity was buzzing through the air.
"Bella," he murmured and I was surprised at how close he was. I looked up into his chocolate brown eyes and swallowed hard. His face was mere inches from mine, his eyes intense with longing. Suddenly I was scared. What exactly did Jacob expect was going to happen tonight? What was he expecting from me?
Some of the fear must have shown in my eyes because he stroked a finger down my cheek then pulled me into a warm hug. I held my dripping hands awkwardly behind him as I buried my face into his chest and he stroked my hair soothingly.
"I didn't mean to frighten you, honey."
"I'm not frightened," I tried to say, but as my lips were pressed into him, my response was incomprehensible. I felt the chuckle rumble through his chest.
He pulled back and stooped a little so he could look directly into my eyes. "Do you want me to drive you home?"
I licked my lips, not sure what I wanted. Finally, I shook my head.
"Do you want to stay here?"
I shrugged. "I don't know," I said honestly, feeling like an idiot.
This just made Jacob grin even wider.
"How about we go up to bed and we can get some fully clothed sleep?"
I couldn't help but smile. He could read me so easily and had clearly known what was bothering me. "That sounds okay."
I'd had the forethought to bring my toothbrush and a pair of pyjamas, thinking that I might be crashing on the couch if the party ended late, so I went into the bathroom and got ready for bed. My stomach still squirmed at the thought of sleeping in Jacob's bed. I looked at my pale reflection in the mirror. Get a grip, I thought. You just kissed okay? It was no big deal.
I tried to make myself believe this. Even if I wanted it to, nothing could happen tonight – Charlie was asleep in the next room after all.
There was a soft knock on the bathroom door and Jacob called through, "Bells are you okay? Do you need me to get you anything?"
I unlocked the door and stepped out. "I'm fine," I said. "Bathroom's all yours."
He grinned and cupped my chin in his warm hand before leaning down and kissing me delicately on the lips. "You head to bed, I'll be just a minute."
As I lay in Jacob's bed, I thought about what Dr. Kopner had said to me one rainy day as I sat on her comfy suede sofa. "You're learning to participate in your life, Bella. It's not an easy process."
I hadn't understood really understood what she meant but I'd taken the words to heart, and from that point forward had thrown myself into every opportunity that presented itself. Including Henry. In hindsight, I had probably overcompensated. But I also developed the "no regrets" attitude that I think had been necessary for myself at the time. I'd decided that everything I did was a choice, and that I made choices based on what I needed. Therefore I couldn't regret anything I did later because everything I did, I had chosen to do. Did that make sense?
I don't know if my philosophy actually worked, but I believe I'd taken Dr Kopner's advice – my life had become my own. It was what I made it.
I don't remember Jacob coming to bed.
I must have dozed off while he was still brushing his teeth, and I was unaware of him creeping into the room, smirking at my unconscious form and then climbing into bed beside me, pulling my body into his warm, strong chest.
I woke fairly early the next morning, and carefully untangled myself from Jacob. I gazed down at his sleeping form and couldn't help but smile. He looked so peaceful. Very carefully so as not to wake him, I leant down and gently pressed my lips to his forehead then grabbed my bag and slipped out of the bedroom. I wanted to head home and get changed before Charlie woke up and it was still very early.
Quietly closing the door behind me, I turned and nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw the figure standing in the dark hallway.
"Oh my god," I whispered, clutching a hand to my rapidly beating heart. "What the hell are you doing here?"
Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed! Please review - what would you like to happen next with bella and jacob? xx
