Sorry my dearest friends! I have been so busy lately. Apologies xx


'Charge to 200. Clear.' I sweated. No response from the mother's body. 'Again. Clear.' No! Please! Stay alive! Your baby hadn't been born yet! I held my breath as my patient was crashing. Shepherd and I just removed her baby's tumour and now she was dying. This couldn't happen! She would make it! Please!

'There's a heartbeat!' Shepherd said as we were both relieved after a few attempts.

'She can't die. She is going to be a mother soon.'

'Nice save Robbins!' I could tell that Shepherd was smiling to me though I couldn't see her face behind the mask.

I went straight to an on call room right after the surgery. I was too exhausted to go back to my office or even move a limb. I needed a nap. All I cared was some rest after almost having a heart attack in the OR. I couldn't have lost this patient. This surgery meant too much for me. It was my first time after Herman left and I didn't want to let her down. Today reminded me of the time I worked with her. It was tough, challenging, intense but worthwhile. God, I missed it, I missed her, I missed having ice cream with her and staying with her all night on the couch, except the part I saw her in the on call room with… though. Apart from that, it was fun with her. We created memories. Not only had I learnt her knowledge, I also had had this amazing bond with her towards the end of my fellowship. I wondered how she was doing now. She might be coping with her new life and moving on. I had moved on too but today just brought back so many images with her. You know how it felt when a certain thing or person popped up in your mind that clung to a whole bunch of emotions and things that we had used to feel and experience? It was indescribable. It was like when you went back to where you were but then you immediately realised that you had left and things had changed even though sometimes those things weren't that pleasant and we didn't even want to go back. It was like evidence that reminded us of who we had been and what we had done. I still remembered me and Callie hadn't been in good terms when I had been working on my fellowship. We had been together on and off. I guessed I couldn't have made it through that period of my life without Herman, without her harsh teaching, mean words, company and our support to each other. It had been scary to know that my marriage had failed and I hadn't got a family anymore. I had had the worst time and I would never forget that horrible loneliness and emptiness that would flood in my head in the middle of the night.

I saved my patient today but there wasn't anything to be happy for. All the memories with Herman and Callie flooded my mind. I usually felt relieved after such a long surgery but today…I needed some time alone to take care of my own emotions and pay tribute to my awesome mentor. After thinking all over my days with Herman, I fell asleep as I was so exhausted after the intense surgery. I didn't even go back to my office to check on my phone. When I woke up, it was already midnight. I was ready to go home so I went back to my office to get changed and grab my stuff. When I stepped into my room, I spotted a piece of cake on my desk. Oh! It must be from Eliza's party! Shit! I did think that I would have dinner with her, not a big party though. I didn't like birthday celebrations but I still thought maybe the two of us could have a quiet evening together. I completely forgot after my long and emotional day. I grabbed my phone from my drawer and tried to see what my girlfriend was doing. Omg, 7 missed calls and 5 unread messages. All from Eliza.

I didn't bother to read the messages before I immediately tried to call her. No response. I tried again. No response. I was sure she was pissed now but I had my own things to deal with! Why did she have to be so clingy? I thought she was quite independent like me. These calls and messages were obviously too many! Why did she have to act like a mother of a teenager? I just wasn't in the mood and I needed some silence! All the Herman and Callie things came back in my mind today and I just wanted some alone time and private space. I wanted to have my own time to think about and deal with my own problems. I didn't want any disturbances. I just enjoyed independence after I lost my family. I didn't have to care about anyone. I could do whatever I liked without telling anyone or asking for approval. I just didn't like this now. I loved spending time with my girlfriend but I also wanted some space between us.

I clicked the message tab after failing to call her.

E: Hey babe, I had a pretty good day. How did your surgery go? Let me know when you're free to go! There's more than one thing to celebrate today x

E: Everything okay? I'm always here to listen. Where are you? xx

E: Can you please let me know that you're okay? I'm worried.

E: Shepherd told me your surgery went well. What's wrong with you?

E: Fine. I'm going home now. Carry on with whatever you're doing. Bye.

Bye? What did that mean? She was leaving? Were we done? I held my breath and sat down on my chair. There was a sudden flow of guilt in my head… All she cared was how I felt? She didn't even say that it was her birthday… She never asked me to celebrate her birthday. Everything was about me… I meant, I still wanted some private space but I wouldn't want us to end. Arizona Robbins, you were so horrible to have those thoughts just a few seconds ago. So what now? Was she breaking up with me because I didn't reply her messages? I did need to figure this out but how? She wouldn't even answer my call!


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