Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all its characters. No copyright infringement intended.
A/N I apologize for my tardiness, but I haven't had much time to write in the last few weeks!
Just to recap what has happened so far:
Edward Masen visits his father's former classmate, Carlisle Cullen while in Vermont for a funeral. Carlisle runs a maternity home and invites Edward to a charity soiree to help fund the home
When he returns to the home, he steps outside for some air, and begins walking in the dark down a road he has seen while driving to the Cullen's home
He is approached on the road by a woman bearing a resemblance to his long lost love, Isabella. He chases her after she runs away, but he wanders into the woods and stumbles, hitting his head.
Many thanks to blk3660 for pre-reading!
After a few minutes, or possibly hours, my mind cleared and I heard the crunch of the underbrush as a person ran my way, swinging a lantern.
As the person neared, I saw that it was Jasper, approaching me from what seemed like an almost non-existent path in the woods. The light that shone from his lamp illuminated a tiny strip of bare earth no wider than his feet, and his trail was often obstructed by low branches and fallen debris. Twice I saw him jump a fallen log.
Before long he appeared at my side, and I noticed that little Alice was behind him. Through the dim light, I could see that Jasper's hair was disheveled, and I looked away when I noticed that Alice's blouse was buttoned up wrong.
Jasper bent down low, and the white puffs of his breath mingling with the cold air brushed my cheek
"Edward! Are you Alright man? What in heaven's name are you doing out here?"
The simple question caused a rush of memories and emotions to come back to me. I had seen Isabella, I was sure of it. And if that woman wasn't Isabella, then I had to find out why she appeared to similar. Just the thought of seeing her…but she was dead. No, it couldn't be her. It's been twelve years since she'd passed. I must be going insane. I can't go insane. Could it be? Could it have all been a mistake? No. I saw the telegram myself. She's gone Edward. My brain prattled on while my breaths became short and sharp. I was starting to hyperventilate, and Jasper misunderstood my reaction.
"Edward, did something attack you? I need to make sure you're OK. Alice can you go get Carlisle? No, wait. I don't want you wandering in the dark if there's an animal out-"
"No Jasper, it wasn't an animal…I…" I was at a loss. What could I possibly tell him? Though I rarely spoke of Isabella in my time overseas, Jasper had been one of the few confidants to whom I had opened up. While he didn't know everything, he knew enough to make it an easier conversation than with anyone else.
"Jasper, I'm fine, I just need a moment." I began to rise up to my knees and quickly curled back onto the ground as a splitting headache ripped through my brain.
"Edward, you need to see Carlisle, and it looks like he's coming to see you, because it doesn't look like you'll be walking there anytime soon."
I brought my hand up to my face and gently placed it over the spots that stung. I had a nasty cut on my lip and a nice-sized bump on my head, but nothing to bother Carlisle with.
"Please, Jasper. I can walk just…I need a few minutes." My mind was reeling, but not from the fall. Who was the dark-haired woman I had seen? Although it was a dark an moonless night, and my mind could list off countless reasons why that couldn't have been Isabella, first and foremost is that she died 12 years ago, my heart kept telling me it was her. It's like it knew her presence inherently. The war between my mind and my emotions was draining me of any rational thought.
I knew in that moment that I needed to focus on getting up and convincing everyone that I was fine, and then I could find out about the woman I saw. My mind was pushing me to go over each detail I saw in the dim light: The mouth that was the same pink bow-shape that I would never forget kissing; the soft, small cleft in her chin that was just right of center and was only noticeable to others when she pursed her lips; her long pale neck, and the constellation of six freckles over her left collarbone and last but not least, her unique musky womanly scent, infused with a hint of flowers and grass rather than the strawberry I remember so well. It's hard to believe that I would be able to pick it out after twelve years, but I could, on that woman. Unless I was losing my mind.
Was I losing my mind?
I winced at the thought that I was starting to hallucinate. Was I projecting her image, her scent onto other women now? For a time in college, my head would snap whenever a petite brunette was within sight. My friends quickly learned not to make fun of me whenever I did it. She was always in my thoughts. Even now, I'll admit that a certain shade of brown hair, a woman with a similar figure will cause me to think about her. It was almost an addiction to see parts of her in every woman I met. It was maddening and at times close to debilitating and while I hated it, could never wish that it didn't happen.
In fact, one of the reasons I agreed to date Tanya, was that the very end of her laugh, as her voice works from vocals to shallow breaths, reminded me of Isabella's. It was better than nothing.
So, in realizing this, I knew that for the sake of my own sanity, I had to see this woman again. I had to know if she looked at all like Isabella, or if I had simply projected her image onto the partially obscured face of a stranger.
It pained me to realize that for the briefest of moments, I thought that I had…that she wasn't…
"Edward, are you in pain?" Jasper's soft voice brought me back from my thoughts. I realized that my emotions were showing on my face, and he had interpreted it as physical pain.
"No, well yes, but that's…."
How could I explain this? Jasper was one of the few people to whom I had disclosed my relationship with Isabella, including the mistakes I made and her death shortly thereafter. I never got into the emotional side with him, however. I was a doctor treating a patient, and while we had become friends, we were living through a war and I couldn't step beyond that boundary, as it not only would have looked unprofessional, in certain cases it could have been dangerous.
On the other hand, if there was anyone who would understand, Jasper would be the likely candidate. He knew that she had meant a lot to me, so hearing about the rest – the sleepless nights, the years I felt like a zombie pushing myself through school, the drinking for brief moments of respite – it wouldn't be a huge leap. I admired Carlisle greatly, and I don't think I could look him in the eye if I had to tell him what I had done to my first and only love. I suppose it was shame I felt, but I didn't want him to see that side of me, the man who callously threw away love, and who learned his lesson in the harshest of ways.
I took a deep breath, pushing it out through my pursed lips, and tried to ignore the throbbing in my temple, "There's…something. I can explain it to you, but not here. It's personal. Please, just help me back inside and I can tell you." Jasper eyed my curiously for a moment, and then silently nodded his head and offered me a hand.
I was able to slowly rise up, and the dizziness passed after a few moments and some deep breaths. I had forgotten that Alice was still behind him until she produced a handkerchief and gently dabbed at the blood on my forehead. My cheek colored in embarrassment as I thanked her and took the cloth from her hands.
The walk back to the Cullen house was much shorter than my walk along the road, via some thin and winding footpaths that seemed to intersperse through the wooded area. Jasper referred to them as "deer trails", and having no idea whether they were actually made by deer, I simply nodded my head and continued on. Thankfully my lantern had survived my fall, actually coming out less scathed than I did. A bit of oil had leaked out the side, but the woods were still damp from the weather that nothing would have come of it had it caught fire. All in all, it was nice to have two lanterns to light the way back home.
Upon our arrival, it was fortunate that the hour was late and all the other guests had left. I was mortified to greet Esme in the manner that I had. For all she knew, I wandered away from her charity dinner party into an unknown forest and came back disheveled and bleeding. After apologizing profusely, she simply waved me off, and told me that she was glad I was OK. Carlisle looked at me and started laughing, just before he pulled a few wet leaves from my hair. I couldn't help but chuckle as well, although my embarrassment was still at an all time high. What would my mother have thought of this? I hoped she never found out, as I couldn't think of anything more embarrassing.
Carlisle didn't feel comfortable having me drive after a bump to my head, so he graciously offered me a guest room for the evening. I accepted readily, as I needed to find out more of the dark-haired woman. Was she a neighbor? What was she doing on a dark road at night on her own? I needed to talk to Jasper, and I didn't feel like I could leave until I got some answers.
I retired to my room and showered. While I enjoyed removing all the grime from the evening, I felt oddly empty afterwards, like my experience had been nothing more than a dream, and all its evidence was being washed down the drain.
Coming back to the room, I laughed at myself when I noticed that in the chaos of arriving back at the house, and my haste to shower, I had carried the woman's lantern back to my room. It was with an odd sense of elation that I looked at the lamp with the realization that not all the evidence had been washed away.
Turning the lantern in my hands, my fingers brushed against some scratches. Etched in the metal of the container was the word 'Black'.
My stomach dropped and my heart clenched. I didn't realize until that moment that a small part of me had been holding onto this fantasy that I had somehow crossed paths with Isabella. It was absolutely crazy to think that way; she had been gone for so long. But I couldn't help what my heart wanted.
It wasn't Isabella; it was just the widowed farmer who had the odd business arrangement with Dr. Cullen.
Why had she been so hostile toward me? Of course, any woman coming across a man on a dark path had reason to be wary, but she had approached me, from behind at that. The woman I met on the road and the Ms. Black that had been described to me did not sound like the same people.
Perhaps I was mistaken. Reading the word Black etched on the side a lantern doesn't guarantee she was the same woman. But, who else would be out there?
At the time, I didn't question how she had known my first name.
A soft knock on the door broke my train of thought. Jasper entered and quickly shut the door. He walked over to me and handed me a glass of water and two Bayer Aspirin, stating that Carlisle would be up to see me shortly. I was prepared to ask him about the woman, when he spoke first about what had transpired in the woods.
"Alice and I heard the name you were calling out there in the woods," He abruptly began. He levelled his eyes with mine, giving me a look that told me that he remembered, and he knew there was more than to my story than what I had let on.
"I always wondered," he said, "if she was more to you than a high school sweetheart who was in an unfortunate accident like you had described. I can understand why you had to detach from that at the time you told me, but after what I heard in the woods tonight, I'd really like to know." His expression softened, and Jasper sighed, "Dr. Masen, tell me more about Isabella."
I began to speak but he continued, "Now I know that we never shared anything more than childhood memories and funny stories, but I think that we got to know each other pretty well. It seems to me, Edward that you haven't got a lot of people in your life with whom you could share this kind of thing with, am I right?" I nodded slightly, "You can tell me," he finished quietly and succinctly.
I exhaled deeply, and delved into the story of Isabella. For Jasper's sake, I went into even more detail about my years in college, when nothing but school work and alcohol could stop me from obsessing over her memory. I even went so far as to try and track down the academy she had attended, with no luck. Perhaps they had closed down or changed names, but every time I thought I found something about that place, it only led me to a dead end. What was she doing on that train anyhow?
For the first five years after she passed, I often lied awake at night poring over questions and hypothetical situations that could have saved her life. What if I had said no to my mother? What if I had used our engagement as leverage to keep her home? What if I hadn't turned my back on her, and kept her near me and married her? Perhaps she would have been overwhelmed and terrified amongst the socialite women that were determined to eat her alive, but that was just it. She would have been alive. Wouldn't she? Would she have resented me asking her to stay instead of going to a school far away? The more I had thought about it, the more I realized that she wouldn't have resented me at all. That's not the kind of person she was.
I was angry at my mother for a long time. Although I believed her intentions were good and she only wanted the best for us, she fed into my fears of Isabella resenting me and wishing that she hadn't chosen me. I had been Isabella's first boyfriend, first kiss, first…everything. I had a deep-seated fear that she would resent staying with me, when she could have been with any of the boys at school.
But she loved me, I knew she did.
I had to believe that she did, because it was all I had left of her.
My memory of the last time I saw her haunted me. Her face was red and tear-streaked, with a look of absolute devastation. I did that to her. I began to believe I was a monster who never deserved her, and her death was nothing more than a reprieve from the horrible life I would have given her.
I didn't even give her a chance to speak when I told her to go, when I led her to believe that she wasn't enough for me until she learned to be a woman who matched my social upbringing. Years later, I would realize that this was one of the difference in her which I found so attractive. She wasn't encumbered by the constraints of the upper crust, and her personality wasn't tarnished with ridiculous expectations. The honesty with which she approached life made her as beautiful on the inside as she was outside, and I had all but forced her to be shipped away to a school that deigned to change that about her. At the time, I believed it was that I knew what was best for both of us, but I had since come to another conclusion: I was selfish and cowardly. I left the love of my life without even giving her the chance to answer back. I never deserved her anyway.
By the time I had finished speaking with Jasper, my voice was raw and cracking with emotion, my head pulsed with pain and my chest felt tight. He simply nodded and cleared his throat and stated, "I see now why you never told me this back at the hospital." I nodded dumbly in return.
Now was my chance to speak, and to turn this discussion toward my goal. "The woman I saw, on the road," I began, and Jasper's eyes flickered brightly for a moment, "In the light that I saw her, she bore an uncanny resemblance to my Isabella…" My voice faded and I added softly, "It must have been the dark, but the reaction I had to her, it was…well it was unprecedented. Just after Isabella passed, I would see girls from the corner of my eye and mistake them for her, but I promise you, I never reacted like that. I'm a bit frightened, to be honest. I'm not sure if I'm having some sort of break down, or-"
"Listen, Edward," Jasper interjected. He paused, seemingly to choose his words carefully, "We are pretty sure we know who was on that road, but I think it's better if you get a good night's rest, don't you think? It's been quite a night, and there's no use rehashing things right now when you are tired and overwhelmed, and probably in pain."
"You're right, but I just want to say, that I really feel like I need to meet that woman, just to see her, to get that image out of my head…does that make any sense?"
"Of course it does. We'll talk in the morning, alright?" Jasper clasped his hand on my shoulder briefly before leaving. "I wanted to, well, thank you. For telling me your story, I mean. I always thought there was something more, but when I knew you back then I had never – well, let's just say that having met Alice, I have a whole new perspective on love, and losing one's true love, I can't…I can't imagine."
"You're welcome, Jasper. And thank you, also. You're a good listener." A question suddenly passed through my mind, and since I had opened up to him, I took the chance to ask him, "Say, speaking of listening, how is it that you and Alice happened to be out there and heard me calling so clearly?"
Jasper's face turned a humorous shade of red and he mumbled something about a cabin and 'talking', although by the way he shifted and rubbed his neck as he looked away, I believed I was only hearing part of the story. Deciding not to push him further, I thanked him again and bid him good night.
Soon after, Carlisle came up to see me, and after a thorough examination, he concluded that I suffered nothing worse than a lump on my temple. He did ask that he be allowed to check on me through the night, and report to him any blurred vision, dizziness or nausea. He assured me I would feel fine in the morning, and offered up his home once more.
By the time Carlisle left, I was more than ready to get some shut-eye. I stripped down to my underwear and got into the bed. The accommodations were comfortable, but it took me a long time to get to sleep. My body was fatigued, but my mind was wide awake as it replayed everything that had happened since I was just seventeen years old. Eventually I fell asleep as I forced myself to focus on the best time of my life, with visions of long mahogany hair shimmering in the sunlight, laughter like bells, and the deep brown eyes of my Isabella.
