Chapter 3 – Finding My Breath

January 19, 2001

It's Friday and I walk into the small café, looking around to see if Granger . . . Hermione is already there. I don't see her so I sit down at a little two-person table by the window. I am so nervous and worried that once I see her, it will happen again, my words will be lost and I will sit here like a fool.

Since I saw her on Tuesday, there was not a single productive moment. My father was not pleased, demanding to know what had me so distracted. I couldn't tell him of course, but my mother, she knew. She always knows.

I have been building anticipation for this moment for days, but now, I can't help but wonder, what if she doesn't show? Would I be hurt? Crushed? Relieved?

I should be fine if she doesn't show. But I know I won't be. I will understand; I wouldn't want to see me either, but yes, it will hurt. All I want is to talk, to have a real conversation. I wish I realized sooner what I know now and treated her better in school, but all that is over, in the past, and we are starting over.

I watch the clock as minutes feel like hours. What if she comes but I can't speak and the conversation I desire never occurs because of my own faltering?

Taking a deep breath, feeling it expand my lungs, I attempt to relax my heart that seems to want to burst forth from my chest. I am nearly shaking and I don't know why. Why am I so nervous to see her?

Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of rejection, that she won't accept me, that she still thinks of me as the monster I became under the rule of Lord Voldemort. I swore to never again let that name define me, never again let him control my life, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that's all she'll see, that the man will continue to ruin my life and destroy my soul even after he's gone.

I don't want to be.

I want to be a man who can be trusted. I want to be confident in myself, to know who I am without the shadow of a madman lurking. Because I never discovered my own identity. My father defined me, my friends defined me, professors defined me, Voldemort defined me. But that's not who I am and I want to find that piece of myself that fits.

I saw Hermione and she felt right. For the first time in seemingly forever, I felt hope. And maybe, just maybe, she can help me find that piece I'm missing to put me back together, to put life back into my soul.

But if she never shows, it's all for nothing. I go back to the black and grey that defines my life and never see any colour.

So, I'm afraid.

It seems as though I am always afraid.

And I think back to the first time I saw Hermione at the party. I thought she was afraid of me. Maybe we are together in our fear rather than being afraid of one another. Maybe she needs this as much as I do. I saw how she has become, so much like me, stuck in the dark and desperately trying to find, even the tiniest bit of light.

I see her.

I sigh with relief as I catch sight of her at the door. She seems nervous as well, waiting, possibly for her own nerves to settle. I watch as she takes the plunge, she opens the door and steps inside.

She is wearing a formal skirt and jacket, probably on her lunch break from work. I watch as she looks around, searching for me. Her hair bounces around her shoulders in perfect ringlets and shines in the café lights above.

I get up from my little table by the window and go to her, taking another deep breath and willing myself to be able to speak.

"Hermione," I greet with a smile.

"Draco," she replies with a shy one of her own.

"Can I buy you a coffee?" I ask and she nods, tucking some hair behind her ear. I gesture over to the table I just left. "You can go sit over there if you like, I'll get the coffees and be there in a minute?"

"Sure," she says and walks over to the table, glancing back at me a couple times on her way.

Quickly, I order the coffees and wait, anxious to get to her, yet, terrified of what the next hour holds.

I grab them as soon as they are ready and sit down across from Hermione, sliding one steaming cup across to her.

"Thank-you," she tells me, wrapping a hand around the cup and bringing it to her mouth for a taste.

I have to remind myself not to stare. She wouldn't want me to, and I don't want to scare her.

"So, you work at the ministry?" I ask.

"Yes, in Werewolf Support Services." Her face lights up at even the name of the department she works in. "Kingsley helped me reopen the service and I lead it now."

She has such passion and I admire that. I admire that she followed that passion, even though she had to build the organization from the ground. And . . .wait, did she say Kingsley?

"You're on first name basis with the Minister for Magic?" I am shocked, but not necessarily surprised.

She smiles. "Yes," she simply responds.

I shake my head. I didn't realize she had so much power in the Ministry.

"How is it going? I heard not many werewolves use it," I question.

"It's slow, but going places." She bites her bottom lip nervously. "I'm working on diminishing the stigma of Lycanthropy so more will accept aid. I would like to be able to supply wolfsbane potion to those who want it and eventually earn them positions within the ministry itself."

Wow, she definitely has ambition.

"You seem surprised," she calls me out on my astonishment.

"I'm just impressed is all," I assure her.

I like the way her entire demeanor changes when she talks about the work she's doing. She's doing good in a society that needs, even a bit of the kindness that is bursting from her.

"Why do you do it?" I inquire. I want to keep her talking because of that smile, that glow that erupts from within her when she talks about her work. But the smile fades and I regret asking the question.

"Lupin," she replies and now I understand. The previous Hogwarts professor had been killed in the final battle. "He was a friend and I saw what he went through. Dumbledore gave him a chance that not many others get, but there was a lot of anger towards both Dumbledore and Lupin for that. I learned that werewolves are people first but aren't treated that way. I want to change that."

"Good for you," I tell her.

Though, when I think of werewolf, I get a very different picture. I see Fenrir Greyback and his desire to make people suffer whether he was in wolf form or not. He terrified me, but I guess he was simply an evil person to begin with.

"And what about you," she asks. "Are you working somewhere?"

I shrug. "Sort of. I'm taking over control of the family funds in the next few years. Mostly sitting behind a desk in my study looking over financial statements, investing in companies and such."

"And do you enjoy that?" I love that she believes you can make your work something you enjoy and I am happy for her that she's made her belief a reality.

"Not exactly," I reply.

"Then why do you do it?"

"Because I must. I am the Malfoy heir and I don't really have much choice in the matter."

"What would you do? If you could do anything?"

Nobody has bothered to ask me that question and it makes me think; is this my only choice? I am my own person, I am a grown wizard, does this have to run my life?

I think about her question and immediately know what I would do if I could. But should I tell her? I am not good at being vulnerable, at opening up to people. I have no practice. My entire life I was taught to be strong, not to show emotion, to control my desires, to do what I was told without questioning.

I take a deep breath and decide I've been having to do that a lot today. I've leaped far outside my comfort zone already. What's another step?

"I would be a potioneer, potion-making," I tell her.

She smiles again and it's absolutely gorgeous. "And why potions?" she questions.

"Oh. . . It's just something I enjoy, something I've always been good at." And there is more, much more, but I don't say. I don't tell her about the extent of the passion. As much as I would love to make a living with the one thing that gives me joy, I haven't thought about it as a possibility. A responsibility has been past down to me through the Malfoy line and I can't pass it on to anyone else. I would like to think I could have a choice, but I really don't.

"Potion making is something that I wish I could do all the time, really a spectacular feeling. That was the one class at Hogwarts that I didn't mind having extra work in. And having two completely brainless friends gave me a whole lot of extra potions to make." I surprise myself hearing those words in my voice. Have I ever said them out loud before?

I get a sinking feeling in my chest when I talk about Crabbe. I knew him from before I entered Hogwarts and each time I think of him, I wish I could have saved him. He wasn't the greatest of friends by the end, but I still wish he hadn't died.

She knows. She knows why my face turns from bright to somber in an instant.

"I'm sorry," she says and I know she truly is, but it is not for her to be sorry about.

"Thanks, so . . . um . . . how are your friends? How are Potter and Weasley doing?" I ask to change the topic.

I thought talking about her friends would make her happy, but her light falls, just a bit and I am left confused as a fake smile returns.

"Harry is an auror, a famous one. Everyone wants him on their case. He and Ginny got married last year," she says.

"What about Weasley? Weren't you . . . together?"

She clears her throat. "It didn't work out," and it's obvious she doesn't want to say more.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know." Now it's my turn to apologize but I wish I knew more. Something seems off about the way she talks about her friends. Perhaps it was simply a bad breakup and things became tense.

"It's alright," she shakes her head like it's no big deal, but I can see it is. "Do you keep in contact with your friends from Hogwarts?"

"A bit, but we see things differently now." This peaks her interest but I don't want to go into that right now. "I see them at formal events and such, but we aren't close anymore."

I notice her slight head tilt, eyes narrowed, curiously thinking face and know she wants to ask more. It's cute when she does it and I like that I am already getting to know a few of Hermione Granger's quirks.

We talk for a few more minutes before she spies the clock.

"I really must be getting back to work," she announces.

"Alright," I agree, but I want her to stay.

I want to keep talking. I have thoroughly enjoyed this conversation and I want to know so much more about her.

Should I ask her again? What would she say if I did? I don't want this to end.

We both stand up and walk towards the door, which I hold open for her, hating that I do so. I am letting her leave again, and I know I will regret it.

"This was nice," she says. "Really nice." She sounds almost surprised.

"It was."

We stand there in silence and it is as though she is waiting for something. Now is my chance, I have to be brave and just ask.

"I was wondering," I start. "Would you . . . would you like to go for dinner sometime?" I force the words from my lips and get instant relief when she smiles.

"Tomorrow?" she asks.

"Sure." I say. "I'll pick you up at seven?"

"You can floo to my place," she says and pauses. "I really need to go now, but it was very nice talking with you and, I'll see you tomorrow I guess."

"I look forward to it," I express, but I am not sure if she hears me as she is already racing away.

It all hits me hard and fast. Did I mean to do that? I just wanted to see her again and I think I have asked her on a date. And she said yes.

Holy shit, I asked her on a date!

What the hell did I just do?!


Author's Note:

Got this chapter up a little faster. I thought, since I already had it done, I wouldn't make you wait for it. I took a bit of advise and gave it a little more dialogue, I hope it seemed natural. I sometimes feel as though the dialogue can be forced to get the plot across. If you have any thoughts, or tips for me, I would love to hear it. There is something about it that seems off, but as much as I read it, I can't figure out what. Maybe it's nothing and I'm being weird, but if you catch anything, let me know.

It's my birthday today, but I'm just sitting here alone. Posting today gives me something to do and look forward to. I'll be doing some more writing and will get the next chapter up shortly.

Thanks to those of you who reviewed the last chapter and thanks for reading this one!