Chapter 10 – I Do, But I'm Afraid
March 29, 2001
A week.
How agonizing this time has been.
Don't get me wrong, being able to persuade Hermione to stay at the Manor this long has been incredible. Her flat is probably still ruined, as no one has been by to take down those horrible words, and since Hermione continues to refuse reporting the matter, my condition is that she stay here.
It is also quite the feat, being able to avoid my father for an entire week. My mother must have something to do with it, somehow keeping him busy enough not to bother with me or what I am doing with my time. I am rather thankful for the break from his annoying watchfulness and the ability to spend time with Hermione.
My vow has not been fulfilled and that tiny man inside me, pounding at my chest is quite angry with me. It's not as though I have been avoiding being in that close proximity, it simply hasn't happened. Well, maybe I have. I keep arguing with myself, saying that it just hasn't been the right moment, I want it to be absolutely perfect.
But I am afraid. That kiss could change everything. It could be the best thing to ever happen to me, or it could destroy everything we have been building over the past few months.
Why am I always a coward when it comes to her? Everything seems so foreign, so new, so beautiful. And I am destruction.
I keep reminding myself that she kissed me, even if it was only a cheek. That small gesture should tell me that I am being irrational, that I am overanalyzing everything, that I would not bring ruin upon our growing relationship if I take it a step further. But other thoughts come to my mind. I have never truly had a good friend, I don't know how friends act towards one another, especially not how Hermione would act towards a friend. What if that was all it meant? That we are friends.
So I cowardly avoid that vow I made. Because what we have now is better than nothing, and I don't want to risk losing her as a friend.
Now we sit in the library, where we have spent the majority of our time these past few days; a place she enjoys and my father rarely steps foot. But something is off. I know there has been something bugging her, something she hasn't wanted to share, something causing her a sort of distress. I want to know; I want to help put an end to whatever is making her feel this way. But I am afraid of the answer. What if it's me?
I think she is going to take the leap and tell me. Any minute now. She has been glancing up nervously at me for quite a while, building up the courage. And the fact that she must be brave to say it, scares me.
"Draco."
I look up from my book to Hermione.
"I," she takes a deep breath and somehow, I know what's coming. "I don't think I can keep doing this," she says slowly. I close my book and lower it to one side.
"What are you saying?" I ask, panic starting to grow inside me.
"You've been good to me, but I have a home and it isn't here. I think its time for me to go home," she tells me.
"But it isn't safe. You haven't told anyone about the situation and Weasley knows where you live."
Hermione sighs. "I can take care of myself."
"Don't do this," I plead softly.
"Why not? Because I might get hurt?"
"Exactly!" I reply. She gets up from her chair and moves toward the door. "Hermione!" I call after her.
I thought everything was fine. I thought I had time, that she was happy, that things were good. How long had she been sitting there, pretending to read that book when in reality her mind was working hard, planning her escape?
I follow behind her as she enters the hall.
"Can we just talk about this for minute? Please? I don't know what Weasley is capable or why he is after you, but I am worried for your safety," I explain, taking her hand in mine, causing her to turn.
She simply stares into me for a moment, her eyes boring a hole through my mind.
"What am I to you?" she asks.
"What?"
"What am I Draco? You can see how I would be confused right? And I am tired of this. Tired of sneaking around your home because your parents can't find out I'm here. I'm tired of being hidden, of constantly feeling like I don't belong here. You say you're worried for my safety, but what does that mean? Do you really care or is this some sort of game?"
Her words pierce me through like a dagger. Does she think I am the same arrogant, prejudiced and cruel boy I was in school, playing games with the clueless muggle-born?
She's right though. I haven't been fair to her.
"Hermione. I thought you understood what's at stake here. My father is . . . not a good person. He will attempt terrible things if he discovered you here."
"And that's just it isn't it. I don't belong here," she says sadly.
"You're safer here than at your place," I argue.
"Am I? Am I really? And what will he do if he finds me?" she asks.
"I told you. I won't let him near you," I assure her.
"Draco," she looks at the floor. "I just –"
"What's this really about Hermione? When did this start? I thought," I take a deep breath and run my fingers through my hair. "I thought things were alright."
"I am leaving now," she says firmly. "And when you . . . figure things out, you can find me."
Once again, she turns away from me and heads down the hall moving toward my study where she can floo straight home. This can't be happening! She's going to get herself killed!
"Stay, Hermione. Please, stay," I beg, continuing to follow her.
She turns once more to face me.
"Then give me a reason," she demands.
I'm at a loss. What more reason does she need than there is someone after her who knows her and knows where she lives! This is not some joke, some game; this is her life!
"What can I say? What can I say to prevent you from doing this?" I ask.
"I don't want you to say anything!"
"Then what? What do you want me to do? I don't understand!"
"Kiss me!" she shouts. "I want you to bloody kiss me!"
I freeze. "What?"
"I've been here, in your home for over a week. You nearly kissed me, but didn't." she shrugs. "I thought you were simply nervous so gave some reassurance. But you didn't do it. So now I'm here, feeling like a complete idiot because it's been a week! So, you obviously don't want to and I can only assume that you've been playing me for . . . whatever reason. I don't know what you want from me, but apparently I was wrong about you."
"Hermione," I whisper, my heart breaking.
"I know how I must sound; trust me I know. But I've been hurt too many times to stay here any longer and fall victim to your games."
"I'm not. I'm not playing you. I'm not." I don't even know what to say.
By not wanting to ruin things between us, I have coincidentally ruined things! I don't know what's wrong with me. Why am I acting this way? I've never been this way.
I look into her eyes and see a swirl of embarrassment, hurt, frustration.
"Hermione. I'm not good enough for you. Don't you understand? You are amazing, strong, beautiful and I'm an ex-Death Eater who the world thinks should be locked in Azkaban. How could I possibly think that you would want anything to do with someone like me?"
"You think you're not good enough for me?" she asks, eyes softening.
"How could I think kissing you would be a good idea? I wanted to. I bloody well wanted to." I can't look at her. I can't watch her expression so my eyes dance around the corridors. Anywhere but at her. "I don't know, I thought if it was the perfect moment, the perfect place, that it wouldn't ruin things."
"You were . . . afraid?" she nearly whispers. Yes. "I thought . . . In school you were always . . ."
"You're . . . different," I say quietly, eyes finally coming back to meet hers.
She is shaking her head with just a hint of a smile. "You really are an idiot."
"What?"
"It didn't have to be perfect and I am a girl just like any other. I needed to know where we stood, that I wasn't completely wrong about everything. I needed to know that I didn't make a fool of myself."
I rub my hand across my forehead, at a loss for what to do, how to fix this. She's been hurt by a lot of people and I have done so again without meaning to.
She's waiting and I know what she's waiting for. But it isn't right, it isn't the perfection I was striving for. I know she said it didn't have to be perfect. Maybe I'm just nervous and retreating to childish ways of coping; avoidance.
My heart is pounding as I stride towards her, forcing a confident air to hide my doubt, my fear, my conflicted desire.
"I'm sorry," I tell her, my hand coming up to tenderly cup her face, stroking slowly with the pad of my thumb. "I made you think that I didn't want this when I couldn't get this moment out of my head."
I look into her eyes, watching for any possibility of retreat, of a changed mind, that she doesn't want this. But I see nothing except a mirror of my own desire. And when her lips part, very slightly, I know.
I lean closer, slowly, until our lips touch.
And those tingles I've felt each time we touch become more powerful, pleasantly throbbing within me, growing, expanding, taking me over piece by piece, until it explodes out between us.
I feel her lean into me and respond. Her fingers ghost up the back of my neck and into my hair, making me shiver, and I pull her closer, wrapping my arms around her and deepening the kiss. She moans against my mouth as I caress that bottom lip she loves to bite with my tongue.
A force surrounds us, a power I've never felt before flows through us, joining us together. Every sense is heightened, every touch sends more pleasant tingles of energy shooting through my body, seemingly through the air.
I pull away slowly, forehead still resting against hers. My breathing is ragged, my pulse is racing and I can feel her heavy breathing on my face. This kiss was different, it felt different than any other I've experienced. It was . . . magical.
"Did you . . . feel that?" I whisper.
She nods as she pulls back to look at me. "What was it?"
"I don't know," I reply truthfully. I don't know what it was, but it was amazing."
"What does it mean?" she continues, a hand coming to gently touch her lips.
"Don't know that either."
"Well, let's figure it out tomorrow," she says.
I chuckle quietly. Hermione Granger must always have answers.
Author's Note:
So, this was the chapter that was really giving me a hard time. I wasn't quite sure if I liked it, but I think now, reading it through once more, I'm satisfied. It finally happened! Let me know what you thought! I didn't want it to be completely perfect because they aren't perfect people, they aren't an 'easy' couple, they have a lot of problems, a lot of differences, so a perfect kiss didn't really seem right.
But something happened during that kiss. Any guesses?
I'm working full time now so I'm going to give myself Saturdays to work on it and post on Sundays.
I think there is only one more chapter in Draco's point of view and then it switches to Hermione. It's something different, switching in the middle of the story, but if you listen to the song it makes sense, and the rest (other than the next chapter) goes more in depth with Hermione's story. You finally get to know what's going on with her and her friends!
Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed. I love you guys and I love reading your thoughts and comments. And if you catch any errors I would love to hear it. This story isn't being Beta'd so thanks again to sshanholtzer44 for all your grammatical catches!
Thanks for reading, favouriting/following, reviewing, and I hope you have a great week!
