Chapter 14 – The Snow Garden

Raven sat on the bed and turned on the lamp on her nightstand. The clock's hands next to it showed that it was nine minutes past three o'clock in the morning. That was about one hour after she had laid down intending to sleep. She passed her hands through her eyes, tired of rolling on the bed and seeing things every time she closed her eyes. She could feel most guests had fallen asleep. Unlikely a normal situation, that made her feel worst. Until like half an hour ago, she could feel all those people's emotions and, for the first time in her life, they were welcome. Because her own emotions were a total mess. Meditate – better saying, sit down and try not to think about that – didn't help, and now, neither sleep.

Raven sighed and opened the drawer of the nightstand, picking up a hand mirror. Since she couldn't understand, what to say about controlling her emotions, she would have to talk to them. She closed her eyes as a shining band wrapped her and took her to the interior of her mind. To Nevermore.

When she opened her eyes, she was kneeling on a lawn. The sky above her was black and starless, and other earth pieces floated around her. She touched the ground with her hand to make an impulse to get up, but she stopped.

'Gray grass?' she thought, running her fingers through the grayish leaves 'I intended to talk to Wisdom…"

Grayish vegetation was common at Timidity's design place of her mind, but Raven had directed her trip to the always autumnal forest of Wisdom. Could she have taken the wrong path? She had barely thought of it, and a voice called her attention.

"You're not wrong" she turned, finding herself in a brown cloak.

"Wisdom…" said Raven, getting up and going to the emotion's direction "Are you okay?"

Her clone wasn't at her usual aspect, calm and rested. She had circles under her eyes, her hair was messy and she looked pissed off.

"No, I'm not okay" she informed, walking past Raven quickly among the trees "Look at what she's doing to my beautiful forest!"

Raven blinked, looking around. Just like the grass, the tree's thick trunks were grayish and peeling. Their foliage, normally red and gold, was blackened and falling, leaving several portions of the trees bold. The crows were flying around, yelling unsatisfied.

"But… But who did this?" asked Raven, concerned.

"Who do you think? Timidity, of course! She's doing that to everyone!" sighed Wisdom, frustrated.

"I didn't know things were so serious…" mumbled Raven "I came here for…"

"Advise, I know" the emotion completed, covering her head with the brown hood "Well, forget it. I can't help you right now"

"But I…"

"I know! Look, I'm trying to find an answer to your dilemma since… That happened" she informed, picking up a nest from the ground and putting it on its branch carefully "But I can't concentrate enough with her talking nonstop!"

"Talking…" Raven realized the crow's yelling wasn't the only noise. A moan was being spread all around, she could hear her own voice, but not discern any word "I'm going to talk with her"

"Please" was all she got as a reply before her feet leave the ground and she float towards the voice's source.

On her way, she understood what Wisdom had meant when she said Timidity was affecting everyone. Happiness's pink plains was gray and lifeless, the greenish lake next to Bravery's training spot was as black as the sky and even Laziness's gold and orange savanna was gray and cold.

She landed at the entrance of Timidity's swamp and walked in carefully. It looked dangerous, like at every step she took it'd be waiting to drag her down, and resident crows had hostile looks. Soon, however, she identify the gray cloak covering someone in the middle of the path.

"Timidity" she called, walking to her and leaving all the caution she had been taking so far.

Her grayish clone, however, was walking in circles and didn't seem to listen to her.

"I have to tell… But no, she made me promise… Well, not exactly, but if she's trusting me…"

"Timidity" called Raven again, when suddenly her progress was stopped by a vine wrapped around her right arm.

"He has the right to know, doesn't he? Is she really going to tell him?"

"Let me go!" said Raven, but the vine was firmly fixed to her wrist. Trying to release it, she accidentally stepped on a mud pool.

"If I tell him, he's going to… He's going to hate me! He'll say I'm making this up!"

"Timidity! Help me!" asked Raven, now using the vine to try release her left foot, but the more the pulled, more stuck it seemed to be.

"Even if he believes me, he'll hate me, he'll say I'm meddling!"

"Ti…" started Raven, but stopped when her right foot also bogged on a mud pool.

"But if I don't tell and he finds out later… He'll think I betrayed him, that I don't care or…"

"Azarath Metrion ZINTHOS!" from Timidity's right side come an explosion, startling her, and she finally turned to the cloud of smoke, from where stepped out a Raven in pajamas.

"Oh, Raven! You're here!" she said, coming from behind a tree.

"Finally, Timidity!" said Raven, annoyed "What the hell is happening? Why is your kingdom invading the other's ones?"

"Is it?" she asked, distracted, with her usual pose: curved, a sad expression on her face, the hands at a protection position "I didn't know… I don't know. I don't know what to do. Tell or not tell…"

"You… Are you putting all your efforts only on that?" asked the empath, feeling sad. Her emotion turned to her, thick tears sliding down her face.

"What are we going to do? All paths seem to lead to a horrible thing…"

"Well… Try to calm down" she asked, and they both breathed "Maybe… Maybe it's just not of our business…"

The moment those words left her mouth, Timidity seemed hurt and took a step back; at the same time Raven realized there was no truth in what she said.

"No… I didn't mean… Of course, he is our friend, but…"

"Affection wants to talk to you. It's… Urgent" she informed with a thin voice. The trees and vines slowly closed the path to the gray emotion, and she became unaware of her presence once again.

Raven watched the emotion coming back to her indecision state and floated away, going to Affection's part of her mind. She was a little surprise; it had been a while since Affection asked to talk to her in person.

Affection's kingdom was a beautiful garden with several bands of flowers: there were red marigolds, white and blue hydrangeas, a nice flowerbed with narcissus of a pink that reminded her of Starfire's hair color, and a vast quantity of green sunflowers all around, besides some other spread flowers in a smaller amount. Affection took care of all the flowers very carefully, and her most recent job was a little box with yellow tulips.

When she arrived, however, she was shocked. The flowers weren't gray. But there was a component at the scenery she had never seen in Nevermore: snow.

Snow all around. Kneed next to the shattered tulips were Affection. Raven landed next to her and realized that they were the only flowers affected by the snow. All the other were a little opaque, but firmly standing and alive. Especially the green sunflowers.

"Affection?" she called, but didn't get an answer. It started to snow "This snow… Is it because of Timidity?"

She watched the lilac emotion getting up, still with her back to Raven, and noticed she had her hood lifted, which was uncommon of her.

"No, Raven. The snow is a component of my garden for five years already" she informed "The exact same amount of time I've been taking care of these tulips… They took some time to stabilize, and now… I can't tell how much time they will survive"

"Timidity said you needed to talk to me…" she mumbled. The emotion at last turned to look at her. She had puffy eyes and a red nose. Like she cried. A lot. "What is it? Why is this place a total mess?"

They remained silent for some moments, in which Affection opened her little tool box and picked up a pair of shears.

"Ever since Beast Boy came here… I've been felt a special affection for him" informed her lilac clone, walking to a green sunflower and pruning some branches.

Raven felt herself blush to the information, given unceremoniously. She opened her mouth to argue, but Affection kept talking.

"I started to try to express myself… You refuse to listen, naturally, but I proceeded my attempts of being noted… For you and for him as well" she watered the sunflower and with a little shovel she dug the earth around it carefully "That until… That day. When Terra told me they were dating"

Raven looked away quickly. She remembered very well how painful it had been to hear that, although at the time she couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was best to keep not knowing.

"I cried and cried… I gave up on the tulips. I thought they could never have a place in here, after all. But then… I stopped" she finished fluffing the earth and cleaned her hands on a piece of cloth "Timidity came to talk to me. She reminded me of our destiny… At the time we still thought we would be doomed at sixteen… And how he may never look at me… at you… in that way, with or without Terra."

That also hurt, deep. But Raven remained silent, focusing in some pink, blue and yellow daisies.

"Then I… accepted. His happiness was more important. If he get it with somebody else, I didn't care. Then it started to snow. And I stopped trying… To express myself… With some exceptions, of course"

A remote memory of a hug flashed in her head.

"So I worked on the tulips… It got easier. After she asked for help and treated you as a friend" the both turned to the flowerbed with the shattered yellow tulips. One single flower remained standing. Tiny, but firm in the middle of the dead ones.

"But today…." She closed her hands on a fist "Deception can't describe how I felt… All of us"

"I gave up on him so he could find happiness… With Terra, someone who could give him all we could not, because of our powers and our fate…" tears appeared and slid on her clone's face "Only so she could break his heart?"

"How could she do this? First she scares me like that, saying we couldn't even be friends, and then… she cheats on him with… what's his face?" she sobbed, covering her face with her hands. Raven didn't know what to do. She wanted to argue, to tell it wasn't true, but… What's the point?

"That" said Affection firmly, wiping her tears away "That I would never do"

Raven turned and walked towards an exit portal, before she would start crying too. That was why she couldn't think logically. That was why Timidity was so strong. All came down to this. She passed by Rage's kingdom, which looked like the only one without much change – Jump City destroyed and burning, although the emotion sounded stronger than usual, and she arrived at Knowledge's library in the mountains.

Except for a fog and a cold weather, everything seemed normal. Walking into the rock building filled with books, she found her emotion with glasses and a yellow cloak seated and, as always, reading a book.

"Hello" said Raven, sitting on a chair in front of her, feeling exhausted. The emotion lifted her eyes.

"Tired?" she asked with a little smile.

"You have no idea…" she answered, closing her eyes.

"Oh, I have a good idea, since you didn't give me a sarcastic answer for a change…" commented Knowledge. Raven opened her eyes and lifted an eyebrow.

"Apparently you're the same was always" said Raven, and her clone shrugged.

"I deal with facts, Raven. I was already aware of everything you only found out today, and I don't need to put anything on balance to help your decision. I'll only give you what you should weight"

"What is it?" asked Raven sighing, sinking on the chair.

"On one pan: your friendship with Beast Boy, your sense of right and wrong" she listed, lifting her hands like pans in a balance "On the other one: the trust you have in Terra, your feelings for Beast Boy"

"Wait. My feelings for Beast Boy goes on the same pan as my trust in Terra?" she questioned, confused "On the not telling pan?"

"Naturally"

"What do you mean?"

"Now, Raven, didn't Affection make it clear to you?" explained Knowledge, cleaning her glasses "She rathers carry the burden than allow Beast Boy's suffering"

Once again, Raven found herself speechless.

"Why?" she asked at last "How about my selfish part? The one that wants my happiness or peace of mind?"

"It's all the other of us" the emotion answered.

"All… She overlaps all of you?"

"You let her overlap all of us, Raven. Also Timidity, because of the guilt she feels for being who she is"

"Can't I just stay in here forever?" whined Raven.

"Now you're just acting like a child" said Knowledge, turning back to her book "But if you come back now you still can get some sleep. Timidity is retreating now that you're aware of everything"

The empathic girl was silent for a few minutes.

"Can I look at last night's register?" asked Raven at last, and her yellowish clone smiled and gave her the book she was reading. Raven leaf trough it, looking for a specific part, and after some minutes reading it, she closed the book and gave it back, getting up.

"Are you going?"

"Yes. I need to sleep" answered Raven, walking to the door "Thank you"

The Raven in glasses nodded and looked out through the window, watching the fog dissipating and the crows going back to their nests.

She smiled. Laziness was seizing the opportunity.

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Author's Note: in case you're wondering, the flowers represent people Raven likes. The red marigolds represent Robin, the white and blue hydrangeas Cyborg, the narcissus Starfire, the tulips Terra and the sunflowers Beast Boy s2

Replying guest reviews:

Vin: I have to say I didn't think about the pinata's content! So since you were the only one who asked, I'll chose guess number 2: videogames, head phones and other techs. It sounds like something Cyborg would do. The meat too, but it would be kind of weird, meat falling on people... Control Freak really is fun, but I don't think he would have survived in there! And don't worry about bothering me, I'm happy that the story is interesting enough to raise questions!

Dark Azarathian: I hope last chapter explained the reasons why Raven was 'dating' goth guy... In a way, she was trying to move on, yes. Thanks for reading!