Quinn's facade held up at school the next day and for that she knew she had to thank one Ray Berry. All the pressure that had built up in her chest and head subsided after their chat. It took a lot out of her and she'd woken up with bags under her eyes but it wasn't anything a good deal of concealer couldn't handle.
Walking down the corridors with her cheerio henchmen (Santana would not appreciate that label but Quinn knew it was completely accurate), she couldn't even feel the lump in her throat or gnawing fear in her stomach. She was invincible.
She saw him turn the corner and look up from his rather effeminate bedazzled planner. His frown softened into a friendly smile, which Quinn faintly mirrored, not allowing people to see her fraternising with one of the lower popularity classes. He ducked his head shyly at her recognition and beamed to himself as if she'd just made his day.
Once sitting in their respective seats in Calculus, Santana immediately set her sights on the blonde.
"Yo, Q. Was I dreaming or did troll boy just smile at us?"
Quinn tried to act as if she didn't know what she was talking about but Santana wasn't having any of it.
"Q I saw you guys sharing your special moment eyefucking in the hall. Don't deny it."
Now she had gotten her attention.
"We were not... eyefucking." Quinn hissed. "He helped me out with something. It was a kind of thank you."
"Okay first I was just kidding but now I'm interested. What exactly did he 'help you out with'?"
"Was he helping you get out of your moods? I usually help Santana with that when she comes to my house." Brittany added helpfully.
Quinn looked at them both in disgust as Santana nudged Brittany and looked furtively around.
"I don't need to know about what you two get up to when alone but if your insinuating what I think you are then no. I'm in a relationship."
Santana raised her eyebrows.
"Didn't stop you before." She muttered under her breath.
Quinn's pencil snapped in half.
"At least I'm not the one stuck so far in the closet I'm surrounded by nineties fashion." Quinn retorted, words dripping with venom.
She knew it was a terrible burn and seriously low blow but the red fury that crept into Santana's face was so satisfying. She fumed for a moment before gathering her senses. Brittany just looked very confused, as if she were trying to decider Quinn's response.
"Whatever, Tubbs. We all know you're a raging bisexual."
"What?" Quinn choked out.
Another smirk crept into Santana's expression and she quirked her eyebrow.
"It's obvious you swing both ways, Fabray. You remember we share a locker room and I've seen your eyes wander. You even stuttered when Ashley asked you for deodorant."
Quinn felt like the air had been punched from her lungs. She didn't- she wasn't-
"I-I'm not-"
Interrupted by the arrival of their teacher, she resolved to huffing, facing forward and ignoring Santana chuckling behind her.
She tried to focus her eyes on the words he was writing on the board but they wouldn't cooperate. Damn Santana and the way she could always get under her skin. It wasn't true, obviously, but nevertheless it bothered her. She was going to meet up with her father that evening, she didn't need any distractions.
She'd decided it was best to go through with it. If she didn't she'd always wonder what might have happened, and if it didn't go well at least she knew she had someone who would look out for her. It had felt so natural to share so much with Ray despite the fact that they hadn't been friends for years.
It was like when you find your old favourite shoes and don't expect them to fit or be comfortable to wear but when you try them on they just feel right and you remember why you liked them so much in the first place. Now other shoes don't seem to scale up to the old ones.
She knew then she was going to try and recover the friendship they'd had. Covertly of course; she still had her reputation to think about.
The butterflies were restrained until lunchtime when they hit her at full force. Unable to stomach any of the gruel from the cafeteria, she headed to the one place that calmed her down, the auditorium. As she neared however, she could hear a faint melody sounding through the doors.
Curiosity pushed her to lightly slip through them and watch the solo figure at the piano. The figure was facing away from her and too far away to properly distinguish but the voice was a dead giveaway.
Quinn could feel the strange concoction of emotions that always filled her when Ray sang and slipped silently into a chair at the back so as not to disturb him and stop the clear powerful lyrics. She recognised the song as On My Own and marvelled at how well he sang it in the original key. Each lyric was fuelled with emotion as if he'd assumed Eponine's point of view effortlessly.
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
A ripple of shivers flew over her skin and she didn't even try and stop the tears that dropped out. She knew now why she'd been so emotional recently. Ray was reminding her of the past, of how things used to be.
Back then her circumstances weren't much better but they were just so simple. Quinn and Rachel were the victims and their bullies were the ones she could direct her anger at. Now all she felt was this intense self hatred and it was just so lonely.
As if he'd known she were there the whole time, Ray looked up and offered her a reassuring smile. Quinn quickly wiped her tears and nose and stood.
"You have a beautiful voice."
He blushed and ducked his head. Quinn couldn't help but see her old friend in that gleaming smile, and it annoyed the hell out of her. Spending time with Ray brought her back to the old days but she couldn't help but be drawn to him. The nauseating combination of nostalgia and bitterness was almost addictive.
"I have been training since I was a baby, I would hope it was at least decent." Ray's reply brought her out of her reverie only to send more nostalgia into her gut. His bashfulness thinly veiled his pride verging on arrogance about his voice, a characteristic she very much recognised from her old friend.
"Did you come here for any particular reason? I can leave if you wanted to practise." He carried on and Quinn realised she'd been silent for a while.
"No no it's fine I'll go I just needed a... I needed a break from out there."
Ray nodded in reply, understanding written all over his face.
"Did you... Have you decided what you're going to do about... y'know?" He ventured.
She felt the dread she'd been ignoring all day settle in her stomach and fought the urge to be sick. Was she really doing the right thing by seeing him? She wasn't sure. And the concerned look Ray was giving her didn't do anything to reassure her.
"Yeah. We're meeting at the Lima Bean at four."
His smile was forced and fleeting.
"It's just a chat, and if I feel like he doesn't have anything good to say I can always leave." She felt the need to justify her choice and immediately berated herself.
Who cares if Ray didn't approve? It wasn't his decision to make. Besides he knew nothing about the circumstances. He didn't really know her anymore and he certainly didn't know her dad. Quinn could feel her irritation catching onto her vulnerability but could do nothing to stop it. All her former thoughts of budding friendship were clouded over by irrational anger.
"Is there anything I can-"
"I'm fine, it's just a chat it's not like I'm climbing Mount Everest." She snapped, cutting him off.
His wounded puppy expression grated on her nerves even more as her mind redirected all her self hatred onto him.
"I just thought-"
"Yeah well thanks but no thanks. I can deal with it."
Ray looked like he'd just been slapped, whiplash from her change of demeanour stunning him.
"I need to go. And speak to Santana. About the Glee assignment." She managed before storming out like a class A diva.
Well that making friends plan worked out well, Quinn's conscience said, for some reason in Santana's voice. She ignored it, resolved on having a dramatic strop; it made her feel better.
Ray just sat at the piano, staring bewildered at the swinging doors.
Quinn stalked straight towards Santana and Brittany's normal hang out spot, hoping they'd be there rather than in the storage closet. The chilly wind whipped at her ponytail and skirt flaps as she stepped outside, cooling the flush that had risen due to her storm out.
Despite the biting weather the area was full of students milling about and making arbitrary small talk. She scanned the crowd for the usually giggling red and white figures. Surprisingly only one of her targets was visible and looked ready to kill. Well, since it was Santana that part wasn't too strange.
Before she could pretend she hadn't noticed her, Santana had locked eyes with Quinn and gave her a steely glare telling her to keep her company. Quinn huffed but made her way over, not ready to get into another locker-slamming cat fight with her friend.
Upon closer inspection Quinn could see the anger was being taken out on her Calculus textbook. Graphs and equations littered the floor around her, which Quinn stepped gingerly around to join her on the cold cement steps.
"Hey, Tubbers, where you been the whole of lunch?" Santana made her voice sound conversational but her white knuckles shone on her lap.
"Choir room. Trying to get inspiration for our song. You know, the one to compete with the boys?"
Santana's blank look morphed into recognition but she shortly scoffed and shook her head.
"Why bother? Mariah Carey and Neil Patrick Harris are just gonna make us do what they want."
Quinn's immaculate eyebrow raised sharply.
"You're happy to just let them stick us in the back to sway and look pretty?"
Santana shrugged and went back to scowling at the illustrations on her book.
"No, we're the Unholy Trinity, we don't settle for less than we deserve. I have a song idea and we're doing it. And you're helping me make it happen." Quinn stated firmly.
Santana just shrugged again.
"Okay seriously what's up? Do I need to get Brittany?"
Her eyebrows shot up at that and she shifted uncomfortably, shooting a formidable death look at something behind Quinn. Quinn swivelled around confused and her eyes met the sight of the girl in question giggling lightly with a certain nerd in a wheelchair.
"Oh."
Santana scoffed again but this time it sounded rather choked up.
"She would rather spend her time with four-eyes so good luck with her. I think she's a lost cause."
Quinn had to strongly suppress her eye roll. The amount of drama those two went through because of miscommunication was exhausting. They were both the best versions of themselves around each other and it was obvious to literally everyone. Whether people read it as more than friendship was dependent on the person, and to be honest it did take her catching them in the girls bathroom to notice, but she couldn't believe how obviously crazy about each other they were without doing anything about it.
"What did you do?" She asked tiredly.
Santana whipped around with an fiery glare, metaphorical steam pouring from her ears. Quinn knew she probably should have been more measured about her questioning but she really couldn't be bothered with her own drama clogging up her thoughts. It was all so melodramatic and unnecessary.
"Why do you assume I did something? She's just being a bitch."
"Right because Brittany is just that kind of person."
"You'd be surprised."
Quinn could feel the stress of everything tying knots in her shoulders and she knew that it would kill during Cheerios practice. Plus, a dull ache was forming above her right eye.
"Just... make it right, S. I don't know how you guys got to this point but fix it."
Quinn felt her body bracing for a full Santana blow out but it never came. She looked at her and saw slumped shoulders and an alien vulnerability.
"I don't know how." Came the reply and Quinn felt ready to bolt, everything was just getting too much.
"Well this has been fun but I need to do some Chemistry homework so... good luck."
She got up and left without a backwards glance. She had just entered unknown territory with Santana and that meant things were either bad or changing, and Quinn did not react well to change.
The Lima Bean stood vaguely shabbily in front of her and her palms were sweating despite the chill. She'd been standing there for almost five minutes watching him from an invisible vantage point.
He just looked the same, as if those months had never happened. His hair was perfectly coiffed into a sandy slick of hair and his eyes still sagged slightly at the edges, which made you feel as though he was always slightly disappointed. He wore a sharp suit with a stupid yellow pocket square and looked so put together it made her feel sick.
He was meant to be falling apart, looking like how Quinn felt inside. If he was a wreck she would be able to see something different in him; not the cold stoic man of the house. She could hope they'd have a different relationship.
But then again she felt stupid for feeling that. That would mean she meant so much to him that her absence would change him.
Swallowing her qualms into a tight knot in her throat, she pushed through the thoughts and forced her feet to walk to the door. The light jingle was sharp and piercing in her ears as she pushed open the door.
Her father looked up, the deep wrinkles of concentration fading into relief. He managed and awkward smile and stood up, bumping his knee on the table and spilling his coffee slightly. Quinn felt her polite smile she'd practised for family gatherings form on her lips.
"Please, sit down. Do you want anything?"
She shook her head and sat down, smoothing down the pleats of her uniform.
"Thank you." She added, remembering her manners.
He joined her and studied her features. She knew he would notice the extra make-up and looser ponytail and felt uncomfortable under his icy stare.
"You're still in the Cheerios I see." He stated matter-of-factly.
She nodded curtly, remembering the months without the protection of the red and white uniform.
"Good... Good."
They both shifted in their seats, intensely uncomfortable with the gathering silence but unable to break it.
"It's good to see you, Quinnie."
She winced. Her mom had tried to use it after she took her back but Quinn had set her straight right away. She wasn't the child she used to be before. They had played their parts in advancing her maturity and they didn't have the right to try and reclaim her innocence.
But she wasn't going to correct him now, that would bring up tensions she wasn't prepared to face.
"Was there anything in particular you wanted to speak to me about?" She tried to phrase it as politely as possible but still flinched at the bluntness of her words.
He suddenly looked as if he'd tasted something quite bitter and avoided her gaze. He cleared his throat and spoke.
"Well, honey, you know that I've been seeing Jeanine from your mother I suppose."
He began and Quinn could taste the bitter taste in her mouth too now.
"She... is very keen on family and encouraged me to reach out to you."
Quinn's mind was a whirlpool of emotions but she kept her face impassive, not willing to give him anything.
"Quinnie, I know things have been strained between us and we've had our... differences, but I want to move past that now. I think you and Jeanine would really get on."
Quinn was reeling. All the words coming out of her father's mouth seemed alien and wrong, as if he were a completely different person. The man she knew would never extend the first olive branch. He was never the one in the wrong and thus had no obligation to fix things. At least, that's what he believed and as the head of the household his word was law.
Quinn could feel her old dutiful daughter personality rise up and try desperately to please him, ready to agree to whatever he asked. She hadn't felt that urge in such a long time and it scared her how much power he still had over her. In the past few months it had been righteous anger and maybe slight nostalgia she'd felt about him, she'd been told enough times by her mother (and now Ray) that he didn't deserve her remorse. But that didn't stop her feeling it.
"You want to... spend time together?" She hated the hopeful edge to her voice.
She thought she saw a flash of something pass over his face but it was gone as quick as it came and she couldn't be sure if she was just projecting her anxieties onto him.
"Yes." He said firmly. "Would you like to come to dinner with us next week?"
He had used his business voice when asking that and Quinn could sense he was much more comfortable talking about the formalities than the vulnerabilities they had. She swallowed her disappointment and plastered that formal smile back on.
"I would love to. When is a good day for you?"
Ray spent the rest of the school day wondering how he'd managed to screw up whatever kind of friendship he'd had going with the blonde cheerleader. In fact, in traditional Ray Berry fashion, as soon as he got home he made a list of all the things he could do to fix it.
Ways to repair the Berry-Fabray friendship
1. Bake a batch of I'm Sorry cookies and deliver to her locker
2. Sing a song about sorrow in Glee (research later)
3. Offer to do her homework for a month
4.
Ray was lost by the fourth bullet point and all of his ideas seemed to have more cons than pros. All would ultimately end in his humiliation. He didn't even know if what they had counted as a friendship. They'd had a total of about four conversations and throughout them all she'd been giving extremely mixed signals. Maybe he should just give up. She wasn't about to go all Breakfast Club and break rank to become friends with the basket case.
Flopping back onto his bed he huffed a sigh of frustration. Things were so much simpler as a ghost. Letting his eyes droop shut, he felt memories resurfacing.
It was the first day of MIDDLE SCHOOL and he was sat in an empty classroom twiddling his long hair with nerves. He'd gone to school far too early out of enthusiasm but started to question his decision as barren classrooms surrounded him.
About fifteen minutes after his arrival, the door clicked open and a cautious bespectacled head poked through, making him jump. The newcomer grinned nervously, flashing her braces, and her body followed her head into the classroom.
The girl was certainly not conventionally pretty, and Ray could feel a sense of camaraderie that arose from their overly large noses, but her hazel eyes were piercing and sparkling with intense vitality. There was something captivating in that strength.
"Hi, I'm Lucy. Are you in Mrs Thompson's class?" She had a slight lisp as a result of the braces and Ray found it quite endearing.
Realising he'd been staring at her for too long to be considered normal, he shot up and extended his hand.
"Rachel Berry, aspiring Broadway actress and Jew." Lucy's expression twisted into one of confusion and he corrected himself. "Not aspiring Jew, I am Jewish as well as an aspiring Broadway actress."
Lucy giggled slightly and shook his hand. Ray noted how her smile lit up her eyes beautifully and beamed a shining smile of his own.
They had been so hopeful and full of naive enthusiasm back then. Six months later they would know what it meant to be themselves thanks to the lessons of their peers.
It was a Friday afternoon and school had ended half an hour ago. Ray was helping Lucy scrape the hundreds of pieces of chewing gum Max Bradford and his cronies had stuck to her locker. Due to lack of proper equipment, they had to use plastic rulers.
Lucy's second ruler snapped and Ray saw tears of frustration prick her eyelids as she threw the pieces to the floor. He stopped scraping and turned to her to try and offer some consolation but none came.
"I hate this." Her voice was small and broken and Ray felt hot tears of his own rise up. "I just want a break."
Ray nodded. "I know." He offered lamely.
She turned to him and he saw a fierceness in her usually soft eyes.
"What makes them better than us? I mean literally, what makes them popular and us nerds or losers. Adam Bennett isn't even attractive and his fashion sense is worse than mine but still he's untouchable."
Ray just shrugged, unable to give her an explanation.
"All I know is they are never going anywhere." Ray grabbed her shoulders and turned her to him fully. "We are the ones who are going to be looking down at them one day while living in New York with our hot boyfriends."
He grinned at her but her glum expression didn't crack when reminded of their usual fantasy.
"I-I know it's just... it's so far away. I don't know how much more of this I can take."
She suddenly looked like she'd had an idea. Wide hazel met narrow brown.
"What if we had a makeover? Like a proper one. I'm getting my braces off next month and I could get contacts and-"
"Lucy!" Ray had to stop the tirade before the idea fully took hold. "There is nothing wrong with us as we are. We shouldn't have to change just to please some morons with no class."
"Yeah but-"
"Do you really think they'd look at us differently? We'll always be Manhands and Lucy Caboosey to them, even if we're wearing new ridiculously overpriced shoes."
Lucy looked down at her feet, dejected. Ray felt guilty for crushing her dream but it would be better in the long run. It wasn't just what they looked like which made them outcasts, they just didn't have that sort of personality. They could change all they wanted on the outside but to get on top of the pecking order you needed a ruthless harshness that just wasn't natural to either of them.
Back in his bedroom, Ray scoffed at his own naivety. Lucy had had it in her alright, he'd seen evidence of it: endless issued slushies and inventive nicknames under the pretence of Quinn Fabray. He'd seen it take her to the top, but he saw no evidence that it had made her any happier.
At a loss about what to do, he finished off the last of his homework and completed his evening routine. Sleeping was not going to be easy.
Heavy bags under his eyes and the comfort of an oversized hoodie was the result of Ray's tumultuous nighttime thoughts. He cradled a bowl of cornflakes as he made his way down the corridor. Not having had time for breakfast at home did not excuse a lapse in nutrition.
He'd had a minor anxiety attack in the morning when his voice croaked out hoarse and scratchy. He'd managed to calm his breathing and gulp down some cough syrup before rushing out of the door. Luckily, it seemed to have returned to normal. He'd have to do some exercises at recess to make absolutely sure.
Feeling as grimy as he did, Ray cursed his luck as he saw the immaculate-as-ever Quinn Fabray in a heated conversation with Kurt, who by the way looked almost as immaculate as her. Ray tried sneaking to his locker unnoticed, opening it softly and slipping the bowl inside. He wiped his mouth of residual milk and reached in to fetch his books.
He then made the mistake to look. It was only supposed to be a quick check to see if they'd noticed but he couldn't stop himself from examining her features. Her gaze was steely and confident but she seemed to be struggling to hold it up. To the untrained eye she was the same unfazed Head Cheerleader but Ray was not a novice.
Wow that doesn't sound creepy at all, he berated himself.
As if sensing his eyes on her, Quinn's eyes slid from Kurt's face to Ray's and a flicker of emotion broke through before she became impassive again. Ray quickly looked away, his face burning with embarrassment, and finished unpacking his locker.
Sam's arrival at his locker was a welcome distraction and he flashed a relieved smile as he called his name. Sam had taken to hanging by Ray's locker so they could hang out more since the game night and although the attention stressed the hell out of him, Ray found the idea of having a close (maybe even best) friend thrilling.
"Hey! You ready?"
Ray nodded and they made their way to Biology. It really was a miracle that someone like Sam would give Ray so much as a hello in the corridor; he was literally a Ken doll with a heart of gold. He was on the football team for goodness' sake. Ray knew it was only a matter of time before he ditched him for the popular clique but he didn't mind; for now he needed Ray as much as Ray needed him.
Ray realised he'd been staring a bit too much and quickly averted his eyes before he got creeped out. He was so used to observing people, analysing their body language and facial expressions, while being invisible that he couldn't break the habit while conspicuous as well. Unfortunately, the person he was used to analysing the most was Quinn. That had led to some awkward eye contact.
Ray was saved from his awkward thoughts by the arrival of Miss Waters and he thankfully responded to her stern sweeping gaze by flipping open his books, purple ink pen in hand.
The lesson ran pretty smoothly and by the end Ray was bursting with knowledge about trophic levels that he would naturally pass on to his fathers after school. Miss Waters then had to announce that homework was going to be presentations on certain animals and their adaptations. He had long since learnt how to give an entirely forgettable presentation but it was no less anxiety inducing to stand up in front of judgemental teens.
A small cheer was given when she announced they were able to choose their own pairs and Ray felt his stomach sink even further before he felt a nudge on his shoulder. He turned to see a hopeful Sam and felt renewed platonic affection bloom in his chest. He gave his enthusiastic agreement and they discussed times to meet, deciding on that night to try and get it all done.
"Great, mine after school then?" Ray confirmed.
"Yeah I can give you a ride." Sam beamed back.
And that was it, Ray had his first friend round since starting his transition. He tried not to plan out the whole evening in his head. Well, not very hard. He would text his dads to get light snacks ready and hide all of his baby pictures before writing up a structure for socialising and work slots. Everything would be perfect.
