They were in Sam's car and Ray was at a loss at what to say. Ray's house was only a 10 minute drive from school but it felt like hours. Sam only hummed and tapped a beat on the wheel with his thumbs, oblivious to the awkwardness that was suffocating Ray.
"Left here." Ray's directions punctured the silence every so often.
As they were nearing his street Sam broke the silence properly.
"You got any ideas about the project?"
"Oh yeah I made a list of the animals with the most interesting adaptations and took out the ones that were likely to be chosen by others and now have a shortlist of four." Ray gushed.
Sam whistled appreciatively and shot him a confused smile.
"When did you have time to do all of that?"
"I don't really have much of a social life, as you might have guessed. It frees up a lot of time."
Sam looked like he wanted to say something but Ray interrupted him by announcing that they had arrived.
Ray's fathers had not let him down. The place was immaculate, but not weirdly so, and the various pictures of him in pink frilly dresses had been removed from the walls. A few snacks were scattered over the island in the kitchen, not messily but invitingly.
Sam whistled appreciatively at the setup, gazing at the vaguely stylish interior design that Hiram Berry had rearranged repeatedly. Sometimes Ray thought that his fathers defied stereotypes with their passion for watching sport and DIY, but then he would come home to them in matching frilly aprons redecorating the sitting room.
"Do you want anything to drink or eat? We have an array of juices and snack foods." Ray offered, determined to be the best host possible.
"Ah no I'm good."
"Sure?"
"Yeah."
"Right well, I suppose we'd better get started then. My room's upstairs."
They ascended the stairs and Sam made various comments about how nice Ray's house was.
"Is this carpet everywhere? It's so soft."
Turning the corner into his room, Ray remembered how in the early days of transition he'd had a panic that he was too feminine and had taken multiple brushes and tubs of paint to his garishly pink walls. Though he now recognised that liking pink didn't negate his identity, he thanked his former self for choosing a tamer light grey. The contents were still more cluttered than he would have liked but beggars couldn't be choosers.
He shoved some books off his armchair and offered it to Sam while reclining into his desk chair. A semi-awkward silence followed as the boys tried to find conversation.
"What did you wanna-"
"So how'd you-"
They started at the same time, both stopping abruptly to let the other speak.
"Sorry you go." Ray said.
"No no I was just making small talk. What were you gonna say?"
"Oh I was just going to ask about what you wanted to do first."
He chuckled.
"We should probably figure out which one of the four we're gonna do."
They spent the best part of an hour first arguing between Komodo Dragons and Pistol Shrimp and then silent research before collating their findings into a PowerPoint. Ray was surprised how dedicated to study Sam was, he'd assumed he'd be another jock with his brains in his biceps. Okay well that was a bit harsh he didn't really think that but he certainly hadn't expected the intellectual debate that they'd had.
After deciding which parts they would present, Sam sat back and said a word Ray didn't recognise.
In response to his blank expression, he grinned self consciously.
"Na'vi?" He tried.
Ray was still blank.
"Avatar? You know the blue people, hair sex?"
Ray was beginning to feel alarmed.
"Seriously dude? You've never heard of Avatar? Have you been living under a rock? We need to fix this. Next time we meet up we're watching it."
Ray wasn't going to complain. Not only would he learn more about what cool people apparently watched, but Sam was initiating a second hang out session. He wanted to spend time with the awkward mess of anxiety and narcissism that was Ray Berry.
Sam carried on rambling about how Avatar was a masterpiece and explaining the complexities of Na'vi grammar for another fifteen minutes or so before there was a lull in conversation. He suddenly looked awkward himself, as if he were about to ask a very important question.
"Do you know Quinn Fabray?"
Ray felt his stomach drop as if from a height and swallowed thickly.
"Uh well yes, I mean no well... what do you mean?" He stuttered, feeling his face heating up.
"Just like, you've heard of her right?" Thankfully, Sam hadn't seemed to notice.
"Well yes. Who hasn't?" He genuinely couldn't think of a single person in Lima who hadn't heard of the young Fabray.
Sam squirmed again and Ray noticed redness creeping up his neck
"I kinda have a crush on her."
Silence. Ray was vaguely aware he was supposed to reply or show some sort of recognition but he was too stunned to take anything in.
This was a guy hangout session - feelings talk was not something he expected to be on the menu.
Wait why was he so surprised by this...
She was a very talented and attractive girl. Sam had every reason to feel that way. So why did it feel like someone had just punched him in the gut?
He flashed one of his megawatt smiles before drawing his eyebrow into a frown again.
"Isn't she dating Finn Hudson?"
Sam sighed deeply and flopped back onto the soft carpet, picking at strands of thread.
"Yeah, I know. He doesn't deserve her. He's an idiot."
From what Ray had seen he was actually a pretty sweet and considerate guy, if a bit slow at times. But he realised now might not be the time to bring that up. Instead of arguing, he nodded sympathetically and joined him on the floor, leaning against the bed frame.
"Why her?" He asked. "I mean, what is it about her that you feel so strongly about?"
Ray couldn't remember seeing them ever interact so he guessed it must be purely physical attraction.
"I don't know really. She can be really mean, I know that, but there is something about her that... I don't know. It makes me want to get to know her. I feel like she has so much more to her than everyone sees."
Well he wasn't wrong. There was a whole life behind that bleached hair and nose job that neither Quinn nor Ray particularly wanted to return to. Ray wasn't sure how readily she'd submit that to some guy however. Ray though about the Quinn he knew now, one moment tender and vulnerable and the next harsh and enigmatic.
"Yeah, she's a mystery."
"She always watches us during football practice while the cheerios run laps. It's usually because of Finn but I'm pretty sure she also does it when he misses practice." His face sank slightly when he realised how unfounded his claims were. "Maybe I'm just being arrogant. Sorry, I just have a lot of feelings and I feel like you're the only one who wouldn't tell Finn."
A lot of feelings were whirlpooling in Ray as well but eventually one surfaced on top. He felt sorry for his newfound friend.
"No sure better out than in, I always say. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're a... you're a hot guy, Sam. Popular talk among the girls. Quinn may well have feelings for you."
Sam stared shocked at his bluntness and Ray cringed at his choice of words.
"You really think so?"
His hopeful tone broke through any residual... feelings he had about Sam's crush. Who was Ray to say he had no chance. He wasn't lying, he'd overheard many cheerleaders and band kids chatting about 'the hot new guy'. He'd even heard Mercedes talking about him, although her view of guys must be somewhat warped as her previous crushes included Kurt and Puck. Quinn had eyes and a thing for football players, why not?
"I do." Ray replied earnestly.
A goofy smile spread across Sam's was still bugging Ray though.
"One question: have you two ever had a conversation?"
"Yeah I mean we mostly speak during American Lit because she sits next to me and always has awesome notes." Well that was something Quinn had retained, her amazing brain. "But we also had this one conversation when Finn had bailed on her and I drove her home."
"You drove her home?" Ray spluttered in surprise and something that felt a lot like jealousy.
"Yeah, we talked about Glee and what singing meant to us and stuff." The mixture of cheesiness and pride on his face was mildly sickening but Ray twisted his face out of a grimace.
"So you've already got one foot in the door, dude!"
"Will you be my wingman?"
"Sure!"
"Thanks man. What do I do first?"
The time came for the girls (+ Kurt) to perform their comeback and the thrill of adrenaline had everyone on a strange high. The boys sat expectantly in the choir room with the chairs facing the raised platform creating the stage.
Suddenly the lights dimmed and they all filed on stage. Mercedes' powerful voice rose up, igniting the electric guitar and heavy drum beat.
Oooooh I miss the misery
The lights snapped up and the others joined in with the vocals, moving effortlessly in a choreographed movement. They all wore tight white tank tops with black leather jackets and an array of black trousers. Ray vaguely noted how Kurt's looked leather and incredibly tight before his eyes zeroed in on Quinn.
Her jacket was loose and contrasted amazingly with the tight tank top she wore, highlighting all her features. Her hair was loosely curled and hung down just past her shoulders and having it untied transformed her. She looked light and carefree and, well, for want of a better word, fierce. Like a punk lioness.
Before he knew it she was walking towards him singing intently.
I've been a mess since you stayed
I've been a wreck since you changed
Later than he should have, Ray realised it was just a general stalk towards the audience but his heart was still pounding unusually fast. He felt a pang of disappointment when her husky tones were replaced by Tina's.
Don't let me get in your way
I miss the lies and the pain
Santana joined in with the vocals as they ascended into the chorus. Her persona was perfect for the song as she shot each line forward like a bullet, an apt combination of aggressive and seductive.
I miss the bad things
The way you hate me
I miss the screaming
The way that you blame me
Their movements weren't difficult but so in sync as they strutted around the stage. Ray could vaguely hear Finn muttering something about a mailman before he was sucked back in. Mercedes' powerful voice broke out over the others.
I like the kick in the face
(and the things you do to me)
I love the way that it hurts
(I don't miss you I miss the misery)
Ray tried to focus on the performance as a whole but kept being drawn back to Quinn, disappointed she wasn't singing more. With a strong bridge from Kurt and intense finale from the power duo that was Santana and Mercedes, the song ended.
A pause as the boys took in what they had just witnessed before raucous applause. Ray had to tear his eyes from Quinn when hers flitted in his direction. Unfortunately, they landed on Sam who was unashamedly staring dumbstruck at her, his grin pulled right across his handsome face. Something about it made him feel uncomfortable, like he was some sort of unwelcome voyeur, objectifying her. It was stupid because Ray had just been admiring her too... but it was different because Ray's was simply wonder at her talent and objective beauty. Totally platonic.
"Wow that was absolutely what I'm talking about! If we do something like that for Sectionals it'll be a breeze." Mr Shue looked like a kid in a candy shop.
However, despite his enthusiasm he clapped his hands and they were onto the meaning behind another abstract noun.
They all sat down and Quinn and Finn were sat right in front of Ray, Quinn's golden hair inches from his knees. Thoughts of Sam, Quinn and Finn occupied his mind for the rest of the session and, as hard as he tried, he couldn't bring himself to care about anything else.
"He wants me to have dinner with him and his new girlfriend."
She'd wanted to hold it in, show him she didn't need his counsel, but it was eating away at her and she needed to tell someone. Santana and Brittany were out of the question, still greeting each other with cold formal greetings. Eventually she had caved and found him on MySpace. For such a ghost it was remarkably easy to find him, although she may have just used the same username and changed the gender. Yup, he really did still go by StarBoy.
It hadn't taken him long to accept. What did take long was her first message, her hands hovering frustratingly just over the keys for nigh on ten minutes. Finally she managed a simple:
SkySplits: Hi
Her nails were raw by the time he replied.
StarBoy: Hi
Well that wasn't useful, how was she supposed to start a conversation with that. Huffing, she sat back on her swivel chair and stared at the pixels on the screen, willing them to start creating a sentence on their own.
Eventually she leant forward and typed out a simple question, cringing all the way through typing it.
SkySplits: What are you up to?
StarBoy: I'm just listening to some music. What about you?
The reply was instantaneous, almost like he'd been waiting on it. The thought of that gave her some satisfaction that she refused to acknowledge. She suddenly realised his was a question too. A good one too; what was she doing?
She couldn't exactly look like she was desperately hanging on every word. She had to be doing something else. Her homework maybe? Then he might think she was a geek. Listening to music! No he was doing that. Watching a film? He might stop messaging so as not to disturb her.
SkySplits: Nothing much.
SkySplits: Messaging you.
StarBoy: I can see that.
Despite herself she found a smile break out on her face.
SkySplits: What are you listening to?
StarBoy: Um well...
StarBoy: Promise you won't judge me?
SkySplits: Uh yeah?
StarBoy: Cabaret soundtrack
Quinn scoffed and chuckled to herself. Of course.
StarBoy: You promised!
SkySplits: How do you know I laughed?
StarBoy: I guessed you would
SkySplits: Do you think so little of me?
StarBoy: Was I wrong?
SkySplits: ...
SkySplits: No
StarBoy: :(
SkySplits: :P
StarBoy: Did the great Quinn Fabray just use an emoji?
SkySplits: I could ask the same about a certain Ray Berry.
She still found it weird to use the syncopated version of the name. Rachel was still the name that immediately flowed into her mind but she shoved it down. She felt more comfortable being called Quinn, she had to respect that it was the same for Ray.
StarBoy: I'm already a loser that's no surprise.
SkySplits: You're not a loser.
StarBoy: I am in the eyes of the McKinley school body. At least, I would be if I was in the eyes of the McKinley school body.
SkySplits: That means you still have time to make an image.
Sitting back in her chair she cringed at the response she'd typed. He wasn't concerned with popularity or being cool, he'd managed to escape it. On the other hand, being in glee was a massive red target on someone's back, he wasn't going to be able to stay under the radar for much longer.
StarBoy: I'm not going to change myself just to make people like me.
This time Quinn full on flinched. She knew it wasn't directed toward her but it still stung.
SkySplits: I didn't mean that.
She had meant that.
StarBoy: What did you mean?
SkySplits: I dunno. You could join a sports team.
StarBoy: I'm not a jock and I don't have the personality or body type for football. I'm fine with being a loser, don't worry. I made my peace with it years ago.
She knew she had to change the subject now, things were getting too sensitive and she didn't want to close up again. Knowing full well that the shift was glaringly obvious, she typed out a message.
SkySplits: I met up with my dad.
After the result of their last conversation she expected some bitterness in his reply but he was perfectly casual. Annoyingly casual. Didn't anything get to this guy?
StarBoy: How did it go?
SkySplits: He wants me to have dinner with him and his new girlfriend.
StarBoy: And how do you feel?
Why did he have to go right for the feelings? She didn't know how she felt that's why she was talking to him. He was supposed to tell her how she felt not the other way around. Her thoughts made no sense but she couldn't help it.
SkySplits: I don't know. Happy I think. I mean he wants to help mend things... I think.
StarBoy: That's good.
SkySplits: I'm sorry about what I said before. I didn't mean it.
StarBoy: You don't have to apologise, you were understandably stressed. It happens to the best of us.
Suddenly a lump choked up Quinn's throat. Why did he have to be so... considerate? No one had ever reacted to her saltiness that way. Her parents would scold her, Santana would be even bitchier back and Finn would either look confused or like a kicked puppy until she was normal again. She never realised how much she just needed someone who just understood.
SkySplits: I'm just scared I'm forgiving too easily. I'm too eager and I'm gonna get hurt again.
StarBoy: It's not an easy situation but if you're completely honest, is there any possible situation in which you didn't take the chance?
He was right. It would have killed her to not have tried, even if it might save her heartbreak in the future.
SkySplits: No I guess not.
StarBoy: So it might not go the way you want it to. At least you're not going into things trusting blindly.
Quinn sighed. She knew he wasn't going to have some perfect solution that would make everything better but she'd hoped he'd have some sort of plan, something she'd missed.
SkySplits: Yeah
SkySplits: I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
—
The song they sing is 'I Miss The Misery' by Halestorm. As soon as I heard it I started picking out parts for them (lame I know).
