Chapter 18 – Who Have I Become?
Who am I?
It's a strange question to be asking at a time like this. It's a time when I may not exist for much longer. But still, the question remains.
Who am I?
I know who Ron has convinced himself I am, I know who Draco thinks I am, but who do I believe myself to be?
I'm losing blood quickly from the wound in my leg, my head is spinning, I feel weak, but all I can think is how I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm going to die not knowing who I am. I know the answers to so many things, except the one I should know best; myself. I cannot die without knowing!
Books used to be my priority, striving towards knowledge; my purpose was to learn everything I possibly could. But not anymore. Sure, I still like to have the answers, I enjoy spending my time in a library, though that's no longer my ultimate drive.
Things have changed a lot since school, I've changed a lot. I think I'm stronger than I was before. I've started a path for myself; a career I'm proud of, with goals for the future. I realize that the largest difference between who I am now and who I was, even a few months ago, is the fact that I'm not living for others. I think I've given up on having the perfect reputation, on caring so much about what others think. I no longer have to worry about earning affection because I know that no matter what happens, Draco will be there.
No matter what.
No matter what.
It might all be ending.
With Ron marching back and forth, waving that knife in my face, now coated in my blood, continuing on with his rant, nothing is certain. He isn't in his right mind. He isn't the Ron I knew, the Ron I loved.
He's getting more and more worked up; his yelling getting louder and making less sense than even before. I know it won't be long now until he is finally pushed off the precipice he is precariously standing upon and falls down a path he can never return from.
And I am helpless. I am bound to this chair, vulnerable to wherever his madness may take me.
I'm beginning to feel separated from my surroundings, the yelling seeming to fade into the distance, the pain in my leg seems to be getting almost farther away from me. I won't last much longer without medical attention.
But the fear is still very much present.
Draco will find me. He will.
I close my eyes and call out for him in my mind. I know our bond doesn't work that way; it only connects our emotions, but it gives me that small push, that tiny bit of hope.
Draco!
Draco!
The thought of never seeing him again haunts me. It strikes me that perhaps Narcissa was right, or at least the bond. We were kidding ourselves to think we were only friends because I have this feeling spreading within me; a desperate longing for his touch, to see his face. I can't be certain if it's the situation, the loss of blood, or the fear raging inside me sending these thoughts, but I think - and this terrifies me almost as much as Ron with a dagger, holding me hostage – I'm in love with him.
This realization gives me strength. I must hold on; I must see him, must tell him. The thought keeps my heart beating fast and my lungs filling with air. It keeps me holding on.
"You must be stopped, you must be stopped, you must be stopped." He begins repeating the words, muttering them under his breath. Every time he says it, he gets louder, until his fists are tugging at his hair and the mutter has become a scream.
Suddenly, he stops. It's as though a sense of clarity has come over him. But I quickly realize the horror that it isn't clarity that causes him to cease his ranting but a deeper level of madness.
He slowly turns and faces me, his eyes taken over by wild hatred, and says the chilling words: "Now, I will be the one to stop you." He stalks closer. "And I won't give you the satisfaction of a wizard's death."
My breath is gone, eyes wide, as I see what he's done; see the knife ripped from the place it had pierced my abdomen. The ache builds to an unbearable pain that envelopes my every sense.
I see blood. It's even more than before, and I know the these are my last moments. A final bout of adrenaline seeps through my veins and causes my entire body to shake as my eyes remain glued firmly to the sticky red spreading down my robes.
I'm fading . . .
I'm fading in and out of consciousness.
Something's happening . . .
CRASH
There's someone upstairs . . .
They broke something . . .
I can hear them . . .
They're coming . . .
I hear them on the stairs . . .
It's Harry's voice.
I don't understand.
He's yelling.
"Ron, RON! What did you do?"
He came for me.
How?
How did he come?
How did he know?
"Malfoy, no! I'll take him, you take care of Hermione!"
Draco. He's here. I see him struggle against Harry as he furiously lunges at Ron.
He stops and our eyes meet.
"Hermione!" he yells.
I feel his desperation. He is watching me fade, seeing the blood, feeling my fear, my weakness.
Draco.
"I had to. I had to!" Ron is shouting back at Harry, defending himself.
His wand is aimed at him, shaking.
"Don't make me hurt you, Ron."
I never thought I'd see this. Harry has his wand pointed back at Ron, friend against friend.
"She's the one! She's the one!"
"You said you were ready to forgive. You said you wanted us all to be friends again. That's why you were back, that's why you were at her flat, why you wanted to know where she was," Harry accuses.
"You wouldn't have believed me! She's been working for the enemy all along! A Death Eater! It was the only way to make sure it got done!" Ron yells.
It's getting more difficult to breathe.
But Draco's here. He's here. He found me.
I'm not sure how it happens, but the binding holding me to the chair is gone and I'm in his arms.
"Hold on," he whispers. Or maybe says, things are a bit muffled, perhaps just far away. "Stay with me."
"See! Proof!" It's Ron's voice again. "Lucius Malfoy was right. They've been working together!"
I feel Draco tense and know how the words are hurting him. He thinks it's all his fault. I try say it isn't but no sound escapes my lips.
Darkness is taking over my vision, the world is slipping away.
"Hermione!" The yelling is distant.
"I love you!" The last words I hear before everything is gone.
Author's Note:
I know! Super mean! I keep leaving you guys on cliffy's. Hopefully I'll stop doing that soon lol.
I'm not sure how realistic and accurate everything is in this chapter, but I hope you liked it anyway.
Let me know what you thought! What's going to happen to Hermione? What's going to happen to everyone else?
I'm sorry I never got the chance to respond to some of your reviews, I only got around to the first couple. I've been constantly busy this vacation from going to Universal Studios, to Disneyland, to Warner Brothers and Madame Tussauds Wax Museum. That's all in the past week! (I was also sick with food poisoning for a day, but we don't talk about that XP)
I read you reviews and I want to thank everyone so much, they mean a lot to me. And, again, this week I will try my best to reply to all reviews, but I can't make any promises. I am moving to a different area to relax a bit on the beach, so I'll see what kind of wifi I have there.
Thank-you so much for reading and following/favouriting and reviewing. You guys are awesome! I hope you have a wonderful week!
