A/N: Thanks again to everyone who reviewed, followed, or favourited this story! Having your support makes this so much easier to write! And, because I forgot to put it in the last two chapters…
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto- if I did, I wouldn't be so cheap about buying popcorn at theatres.
After their initial meeting in the classroom, Kakashi met his students on the roof.
Of course not right away- he gave them an extra fifteen minutes to stew in anger, and then reappeared once again in a swirl of leaves. Broody was still broody, Pinky was still quietly furious, and Naruto was-
"That was awesome, dattebayo!"
…Still very, very impressed with Kakashi. Putting aside the strange and unwarranted praise, Kakashi had the little hellions introduce themselves. The results were worrying- Broody was a psychopath with a brother complex, Pinky a bipolar rage monster of a fangirl, and the orange prankster was apparently obsessed with ramen. If she ever actually became Hokage, Kakashi figured it would be for one of two reasons- either she had yelled and pranked Konoha into submission, or she had infected everyone else with her blindingly orange optimism. Kakashi prayed that she never met Gai- they couldn't have a repeat of 'The Day of Youth'…
After dropping the bomb that no, they weren't genin, and yes, he did hold the fate of their entire shinobi careers in his porn holding hands, Kakashi pulled the old "Don't eat breakfast, you'll just throw up" line. It was up to them whether they would blindly follow his directions.
While Broody sauntered off with Pinky trailing behind him, probably still grumpy about the nickname he had received, Kakashi directed his gaze to the remaining blonde. She was fiddling with the headband around her neck with a look of extreme concentration, and was getting up to leave. No time like the present…
"If you're not too busy fiddling with that hitai-ate of yours, I've got a question for you, blondie." Instantly coming to attention, Naruto dropped her hand like the Hitai-ate was on fire, and looked up into Kakashi's lone eye, lips pursed and a furious blush decorating her cheeks.
…Seriously, what was with the blushing? It's not like she had a cru- no. No no no no. Not going there.
"You've been surprisingly…"
"Awesome? Incredible?"
"…tame. I know your reputation with authority figures- a single falling eraser is positively tame for you. So- what's up?"
Naruto blinked dazedly at Kakashi, and after giving a quick shake of her head, she finally replied with a sheepish grin. "Well, you know, Iruka-sensei was going on and on about respect and all that, and I guess some of it finally sunk in, especially cause, uh…"
And there was the blush again.
"I get it. Just had to make sure you weren't lulling me into a false sense of security."
Naruto beamed at him, her bright grin and squinted eyes making something in Kakashi's chest catch- she may act like Kushina, but she had Minato's smile.
"Don't worry; I made a promise to respect you. And so far, you've really, really earned it. You liked my prank, you called the teme 'Broody', and you've got sweet entrances and exits- you're pretty high up in my books!" With a last cheerful smile at Kakashi, Naruto leapt to her feet before racing to the edge of the roof. The grappling hook she had used before was still in place, and Naruto was just as capable at scaling down buildings as she was at going up them. Kakashi stared transfixed at the hook, before it too disappeared with a flick.
Kakashi figured Minato was preparing to strangle him in the afterlife.
Shit.
Xxx
The next morning, the bell test didn't go quite as expected.
Though he had been considering it, Kakashi didn't use the 'Hundred Years of Pain' technique on Naruto- he wasn't sexist, and had no problem fighting kunoichi, but it seemed… wrong to use it on the little girl that apparently thought he would make a good sensei. While Broody was revealed to be incapable of teamwork, and Pinky weak bodied and willed from lack of exercise and boy obsession, Naruto happily surprised him. Her taijustsu, while not the cleanest, was highly unpredictable and showed great promise. Her trapping skills were also at least high-chuunin level, and the trap she had set up with a paint bucket and pressure sensor had actually almost caught him. Her genjutsu skills, however, were absolutely terrible, and there was little coordination between her kage-bunshin. Her performance wasn't the worst he had seen though, and as a result it was the pink-haired civilian that he tied to the post.
Once again rising above his expectations, Naruto put aside her apparent dislike for Pinky and cajoled Broody into helping her feed their teammate. The looks of wonder on their faces when he told them they passed were more heart-warming than he ever could have imagined. The cherry on top occurred when Naruto stayed behind to free Pinky from her bonds, and the two shared a celebratory smile. She had apparently taken what he had said about the importance of teammates to heart.
Something within Kakashi suddenly brought up a sobering thought- if Minato was here, he would want Naruto to know how proud he was of her. But he wasn't, and never would be. So the self-made task fell upon Kakashi to complete.
Before Naruto could leave the training ground, Kakashi signalled for her to stop with a raised hand. Still looking down at his other hand, from which he read his precious Icha Icha Paradise, Kakashi drawled out, "I'm glad you see the importance of teamwork, Blondie- I hope you'll continue to reach out to your teammates. They may be stubborn, but I'm pretty sure an unpredictable kunoichi like you could turn them around. You really did earn that headband, and should be proud to be a shinobi of the leaf."
His piece finished, and feeling rather proud of his motivational skills (take that Kurenai, he wasn't completely inept at human interaction!), Kakashi began to walk away from his lone remaining student, becoming entranced with 'Sango-chan's' unrequited love for the sexy 'Miroku-kun.'
"D-don't say stuff like that while reading porn!" Naruto exclaimed from behind him. Lazily lifting his head and looking back at his new minion, Kakashi was exasperated to see a now familiar sight: Naruto blushing, one hand lightly tracing the metal insignia of her Hitai-ate while the other remained stuffed in her jumpsuit pocket, shoulders hunched and gaze downwards.
"Mah, mah, Blondie, porn is important you know," Kakashi said with an eye smile. "It's a man's most precious possession, the sure-fire way to his heart." After giving an overdramatic swoon at the wonders of porn, Kakashi dropped the act and gave a smaller, though more genuine grin to his minion. "Take the complement as it is, regardless of what I'm reading- acknowledgement comes in the strangest of ways."
Resuming his careless stroll out of the woods, Kakashi threw one final jibe over his shoulder. "If you keep blushing like that, you're gonna turn into a tomato!" Ignoring the surprised squeak of his student, Kakashi finally exited the training grounds.
Part of him couldn't help but worry over the constant blushing, seeing it for the ominous foreshadowing of doom that it was. But that was a problem for another time, and for someone who actually knew how to handle a pubescent girl's emotions. Besides, she couldn't possibly have a cru- no. Nononono. Not going there. If he ignored the problem, it would go away eventually...
Xxx
Momentarily escaping his memories, Kakashi sighed dejectedly from his position on top of the Hokage tower. All this reminiscing was bad for his health, and he knew the memories would only get worse from here. A younger version of himself would have read some precious Icha Icha to calm himself down, but for… various reasons, that wasn't an option anymore.
Deciding to take a break from his recapping, Kakashi took in the scenery of his precious Konoha, sure that that would bring him back to tranquility.
He promptly became even more stressed at what he saw.
The hospital looked like a warzone, with scorch marks and long gouges scarring its outsides. Various mish mash battlements surrounded it, including the smouldering remains of what appeared to be a canon, along with a deep trench. An attempted hostile takeover had apparently occurred with Kakashi none the wiser. A strange pink flag had been raised from the roof, and banners of what looked to be some kind of flower trailed the outer walls. So much for his only normal student…
The rest of Konoha was much the same- garish swirls reminiscent of those that decorated the Akimichi heir's cheeks were graphitised everywhere near the food loving clan's compound, decorating many of the village's flat roofs. In the distance, an eerie fog had hidden the shopping district from view. Every now and then, random weaponry would fly out from the encroaching mist, and ominous chanting and drum-banging could be heard. The vegetable market… jeeze, what the hell was going on over there?! Kakashi was pretty damn sure that that giant eyesore of a tower hadn't been there before!
The worst by far was near the shinobi housing apartments, where various bonfires trailed pillars of smoke into the sky. Shouts, screams, and the distinct clashing of metal on metal could be heard even from the tower upon which Kakashi resided.
Amidst Konoha's chaos, a small pocket of resistance was visible (what with it being the only location without fire and/or destruction). Kakashi was fairly certain that the safe zone surrounded Ichiraku's ramen stand, but he couldn't be sure- much of Konoha's infrastructure had been moved or destroyed in the wake of this disaster.
Luckily, most of the training grounds looked fine, with the exception of number 44. However, that deathtrap usually had ominous screeching and smoke coming from it, so not so bad. The civilian sector appeared to be untouched as well, showing that there was some consideration afforded to those without the necessary skills to fight.
Turning his gaze away from what would later cause a paperwork nightmare, Kakashi did what he did best, and decided to ignore the problem. He could deal with this after he had finished having his introspective emotional crisis. One problem at a time, as they say.
Kakashi once again braced himself for the hell within his mind, knowing some of the memories it contained were far worse than the terror Konoha was experiencing now. No one could possibly be in as much trouble as he was!
Xxx
Chouji feared for his life.
"And with this Ramen, blessed by the Orange Staff, I shall bring you into the covenant of our Brotherhood!" A crazed Suna jounin cried, throwing his arms to the air. The bright orange robe he wore became splattered with broth as he jostled the bowl in his hand.
In front of the roof that the jounin stood upon, a crowd of followers that must have ranged in the hundreds cheered, the orange of their robes the only colour that was able to pierce the murky mist surrounding them.
Chouji cleared his throat from his kneeling position in front of the roof. "Uh, I just heard you guys were giving out free barbeque- this is a bit much for me," Chouji interjected, letting out a nervous laugh as the two apostles of 'The Orange' on either side of him tightened their grip on his arms. The Suna shinobi in charge of the deranged cult paused in his sermon to induct the Akimichi into 'The Orange', and peered down.
"You don't know what you need, son- that's why we lured you here with the promise of barbeque!" the Suna jounin exclaimed. He then projected his voice to the audience once again with a subtle application of chakra to his throat. "Before I found 'The Orange', I too, was lost! So confused, placing silly bets on any shinobi that had caught her eye, supporting the sinking ship that was NejiNaru…"
The leader paused in his speech and the audience momentarily ceased their fervent cult worship to bow their heads in memory of the fallen ship.
"But no longer!" The Suna Jounin proclaimed, previous vigour returned. "With the power of Ramen, the chosen of hers, we will divine the greatest secret of the universe- who Naruto will confess to… And become the winners of The Bet!" His balding head caught a trace gleam of light that had managed to leak through the mist, and his eyes contained a dark maddness. Shippers were crazy…
Chouji shifted uncomfortably, aware of the multitude of heads that turned to assess his every move. "Uh, I actually don't care that much about The Bet, to be honest. Naruto's my friend- it feels… wrong to bet on her personal life like this."
Absolute silence deafened the Akimichi, and a heady cloud of killing intent began to press down on him.
"Sacrilege!" a member of the crowd called out, his rage of blue hair and pot-belly the only things distinguishing him from the masses.
"You're spitting in the face of the most important tradition in shinobi history!" Another member cried, sitting on a friends shoulders so that everyone in the crowd could see him as he chewed out the Akimichi heir. "The Bet has the most noble of origins- I heard that the Sandaime himself sanctioned it, and declared it a matter of global importance! This isn't some petty bet to pass the time, or a joke!"
By now, the crowd was baying for blood, pressing in towards Chouji's captive form. A little girl had just lifted a tomato to throw at the Akimichi heirs head when the Suna Jounin that had created the bat-shit crazy cult spoke.
"SILENCE!" he demanded. Instantly, the crowd abated, turning reverent eyes towards there mighty leader.
"As a contender for The Bet, it is against our sacred laws to harm the Akimichi." The mob began to mutter in protest, but a raised hand from their leader once again quelled them. "We took over this shopping district, knowing that it had a betting station. We shrouded it with mist to hide the wonders of our truth from the non-believers, and even still continue to battle the rebels who dare to face us. And now, we will use this Akimichi to our advantage. It is only he who has ever bested the 'Orange Menace' in a Ramen eating contest- let him prove himself worthy of his freedom. His eating of the sacred Ramen for our sake will allow us to divine the object of Naruto's affection from the dregs of the broth! And if he fails? Why, then we'll make him regret ever crossing us… Once The Bet has ended, of course."
The cult hollered and screamed their approval, and Chouji was hog-tied and hoisted onto a palanquin supported by a group of brawny Iwa-nin before he could even think of making a break for it. The Akimichi attempted to jostle himself out of the hold of his captors, but he already knew it was a lost cause. Surrounded by almost two hundred shipping crazed shinobi and civilians, in the middle of their mist cloaked territory, with no allies in sight? He was doomed. He needed a miracle for any hope of escape…
As he was dragged off to enter the ramen eating contest to end all ramen eating contests, Chouji cursed the Hokage. That bastard was off having some bullshit emotional crisis during Konoha's hour of need, the third apocalypse, even worse than 'The Genesis of the Tora Mission'! This was what he got for trying to buy Karui a nice dress?! He hadn't been able to stomach ramen since that last blasted eating contest with Naruto- this was going to be absolute torture! Kakashi deserved everything coming his way.
If Chouji was lucky (which he clearly wasn't, but he could hope), the Yondaime himself would come back to life to beat the shit out of the Hatake for his inept leadership.
Naruto had better get with the love of her life, cause Chouji was about to enter hell, and something good should come out of this damn bet.
The drums of 'The Orange' continued to pound…
A/N: And it is from here on out that the story takes on a somewhat crack-ish edge… Granted, with shipping crazed cultists and The Bet to end all bets, I guess that's a given. Hope you enjoyed it!
