A/N: The team is back in business, and business should be good. But maybe some wounds aren't healed properly, and that can cause a devastating blow. Voltron takes too long to realize that maybe being back in business is the worst thing that could happen to them.
Everyone tries too hard and misses what's important.
Everyone was better once Shiro was back, but that didn't mean that anything was easier. Sure Lance could stop trying to find ways to wake up Pidge at the right point in her sleep cycle to avoid nightmares even if he still had to track her down to make sure she wasn't forgetting basic human needs. And Hunk wasn't having panic attacks every time anyone separated in a battle even if he was still stress baking. Keith finally had his training partner back, and Shiro could boost the team's moral in a way Lance could never dream of. The Blue Paladin's speeches were better at distracting and causing mockery rather than motivating and bonding. But the team back together was almost harder for Lance to fulfill his role in than the team in mourning. He was glad Shiro was back, but he felt like he was the only one still disconnected while the team rebuilt.
He was on the verge of telling the team that almost every day. He was familiar with this feeling, but back on Earth, he'd had a whole family of support to get him through it. They weren't here in space, and six other stressed and emotionally compromised strangers weren't equipped to notice if Lance was spiraling. To be fair, he knew they weren't strangers and that at least Hunk would understand if he talked about what he was feeling, but he couldn't stop the nag as constant as Blue's bond that it would prove him to be the weakest link. It wasn't like he could forget the months of insults Iverson and the other cadets had drilled into him; they were as big a part of him as his homesickness. Besides, the team was distracted enough now that Shiro was back.
Everyone's immediate reaction to the Black Paladin's return was overpowering joy followed by intense relief. It wasn't until later for the things like worry and uncertainty came into play; it took a while for the new problems to settle in. Everything was better, but nothing was the same.
The team was walking on eggshells. Maybe something more dangerous than eggshells. Something they thought could jump up and bite them at any moment. They were whole again, but now they had the fear that they wouldn't stay that way. Now they had weeks of fear and stress that they couldn't undo. Lance wasn't the only one finding it hard to readjust to what could be considered normal in a flying castle spaceship.
Keith was overprotective of Shiro. He would often try to keep the older paladin from training too often or for too long, insist he eat more food portions, and just fuss in general. Lance found it hard to not feel resentful or jealous when the Red Paladin would try and force Shiro to sit down or take a blanket into the cockpit while he rebonded with the Black Lion. Keith had never noticed or cared when Lance had done things like that for him, but now his attention was focused solely on replicating the actions with his mentor. At least the resentment could be tamped down with his other feelings that he couldn't get rid of for the other paladin.
Everyone in the castle was trying too hard to make everything perfect again. They wanted the team to run as smoothly as it had before they'd lost their leader. They wanted a purpose bonding them together like fighting Zarkon had given them. They wanted to act like nothing had happened, but it had.
Dinners together were as awkward as if Shiro's chair was still empty. The conversation danced around him as they tried to make sure they didn't say something that might set him off because the weariness under his eyes was heavier than it was before they'd lost him. The tension in his shoulders was tighter than when they'd watched him struggle to get free from the disbelieving Garrison officers after crashing down to Earth. Lance had known for a long time that this team wasn't the most well equipped one to deal with emotional trauma, but at least they were trying to do their best for Shiro's sake. He at least seemed less likely to freeze up as he had been before they'd located the Blade of Marmora, so they were hopeful that he was having less flashbacks.
Lance's hopes had been dashed when he was making the rounds one night. It was a hard habit to break, making sure everyone was coping well during the midnight hours, and it was one he was glad he still had when he heard a scream from Shiro's room.
Sprinting to the door, Lance slapped the panel to open the door and dashed in the room before he could really think about the logic of going in unarmed and in his pajamas and slippers. There wasn't an intruder or a threat other than Shiro's activated arm as he flailed on his bed. Lance was too stunned to move for a moment as he watched Shiro twist in his sheets and let out another choked sob.
It didn't take any longer than that for Lance's instincts to kick in, and he was over by the side of the bed pushing down Shiro's shoulders with steady hands.
"Shiro you need to wake up," he pleaded gently. One of Lance's sisters had bad night terrors when she was little, so he knew better than to startle the paladin too badly. His sister had packed a wallop of punch when startled. "Shiro. Listen to me, buddy. You need to wake up." His voice was louder, and he again pushed down on Shiro's shoulders slightly.
When Shiro's eyes snapped open, Lance immediately stepped back and raised his hands in the air. "Relax. Breathe." Shiro's eyes were unfocused as he panted and looked unseeingly around the room. "It's me, Lance. I won't touch you. Just listen to my voice." He tried to keep his tone soothing and level. It wouldn't be a good idea to get near Shiro until he was at least aware enough to know who was talking to him. "You're safe. You're in the Castle of Lions. It's just me and you buddy. It's just Lance. You're safe." Shiro's breath still caught, but his eyes refocused a little.
"L-Lance?" he wheezed.
"Yeah, it's me." He nodded and stepped closer to the bed so that Shiro could see his face better in the dark. The purple glow in the room faded as Shiro deactivated his arm. "You were just having a nightmare. You're safe. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. You're safe, Shiro. Just take deep breaths." Shiro immediately tried to follow order, and Lance nodded in encouragement as he rasped in deep lungfuls of air.
It took a long time for him to talk Shiro back down. He only put his hand back on the other man's shoulder when he'd received a weak nod that it was okay. Lance wasn't an expert in this sort of this, so he was just doing the best he could, but he thought that giving Shiro a physical lifeline might ground him. He'd still be trembling when Lance gently squeezed his shoulder in reassurance and kept reminding him that he was safe until he could breathe normally again.
Lance kept the comforting hand on Shiro's shoulder when he felt him finally stop trembling. "Are you okay?"
"Ye-yeah." Shiro cleared his throat to try and dispel the raspiness.
"I was just on my way to get some water," Lance lied smoothly. "Would you like some?" Shiro hesitated for a moment before nodding, and Lance squeezed his shoulder before getting up and heading out. "I'll be right back."
He grabbed the water as quickly as he could. He didn't like the idea of leaving Shiro alone after what had happened, but he also wanted their leader comfortable enough to relax a little bit. When he finally got back to the room, he announced his presence as the door slid open.
"Not the finest water in the galaxy, but good enough for us measly defenders." He was hoping knowing it was him who was reentering would keep Shiro from startling too badly, but he was bolt upright in his bed when Lance walked in. "Relax," Lance told him gently, "I told you I would be back."
Shiro nodded as Lance carefully handed him the glass. He was careful not to make sudden movements as he sat down on the side of the bed while Shiro drained all of the water at once.
"Are you feeling better?"
"Yeah, I'm, uh, sorry you had to deal with that."
"Hey, no biggie. My sister is actually way harder to handle than you." Lance rolled his eyes wide for emphasis. "You try telling your teachers it was your runt of an eight-year-old sister than left the bruise across your jaw not some parental abuse thing. She could flail like a crazed eel when she was having a nightmare." Lance could tell that Shiro hadn't really been listening, but he'd nodded along anyway.
"So, you, uh… you've dealt with this before?"
Lance didn't want to tell him about the nightmares he had done his best to keep Pidge from having. He wouldn't betray her trust like that. He couldn't say anything about the panic attacks he had talked Hunk through either. Allura's sleepwalking seemed a bit personal too.
"That's about it." He shrugged. "Don't worry though. I won't tell the team about it." He watched Shiro's slump with relief at not having to ask that favor. "Do you want to talk about whatever you were dreaming about?" Shiro's eyes widened, and he sharply shook his head no as his breathing hitched. "Okay, don't worry. I'm not going to make you," Lance immediately soothed. "I could talk if you'd like? Or I could leave if you wanted?" Shiro shook his head no again.
Glancing around the room for something, anything, to break the tension, Lance saw the pile of clothes Shiro had left in a pile on the floor.
"Do you want to hear the story of how my sister started a laundry washing cult in our neighborhood?" he suddenly asked. Shiro snorted in an almost laugh, so Lance smirked triumphantly. "And yes, this is the same sister that can land a right hook hard enough to make grown men cry." He scooted further on the bed so that his leg was pressed against Shiro's. "Now buckle in because you're in for a wild ride."
He did his best to make sure the story was entertaining. And the next one. And the next one. He told all the stories of the craziest things he and his siblings had gotten into before he left for the Garrison.
His signature confident smile remained carefully on his face through everyone to give the proper tone even if it was a little too wide to be comfortable. He made sure his eyes sparkled with the right amount of mischievousness to sell the narration even if he was worried it might look manic. Each story was forced out of him in a voice that was too cheery and animated to be natural, but Shiro didn't notice. He always kept in physical contact with Lance to stay grounded even if Lance felt like he was drifting away. Drifting away in bitter memories of a family he may never see again.
Lance kept telling stories of the Cuba he had left behind until Shiro finally relaxed into his pillows and Lance drowned in an ocean of homesickness deeper than the one at Varadera Beach.
Lance had broken enough bones to know that you can't just tape something back together and expect it to be fixed. You need to let it set and heal over time. Maybe no one else had gotten that memo because they were back to work less than two weeks after Shiro rejoined the group. Even if no one else saw it, the team was a festering wound. They needed time to heal properly and strengthen back up after they reset. Instead, they were back to being defenders of the universe.
This time it was for a diplomatic mission. He was grateful that they weren't back to forming Voltron and challenging the Galra at least, but even this could prove to be too much for the team. Keith might flip if someone so much as looked at Shiro the wrong way, and Lance had talked Shiro through enough anxious nights to know that the pressure of so many people looking to him as the head of Voltron might end badly. Pidge was still almost fanatical about improving team security, and Hunk had nearly broken down into a full-blown panic attack after hearing missions might be starting back up again. Not to mention Lance was dealing with his own problems too.
They weren't exactly what you would expect from the defenders of the universe, but he could understand why the Princess would want to push them to get back out there. The Galra had spread for 10,000 years while she was sleeping, leaving her the princess of a dead planet. He couldn't fault her for wanting to feel proactive even if he thought it could only end in disaster.
Allura had been fierce since team Voltron had been regrouped. If it wasn't for the mice warning him about her sleeping poorly and sleepwalking, Lance might have believed she was okay; instead, he was worried about the turmoil she hid just beneath the surface. She'd been quietly determined while they wormholed to Zurill, and resolutely guarded while they landed. Lance was actually impressed with how regal she looked while they waited for the Zurill council representatives to come meet them to discuss starting negotiations. He was impressed with everyone's demeanor actually.
If he hadn't been privy to all the nightmares and panic attacks, he might actually believe they were the fearless paladins of Voltron.
As it was, he felt like he should be the one to speak up. "Princess?" he called tentatively.
"What is it Lance?" she snapped. "They're almost here." Lance was used to how harsh Allura could sound when she was tense, she'd been yelling at team Voltron in frustration from nearly the first time they met, so he tried not to take it personally. This wasn't nearly as bad as when the team was still figuring out how to form Voltron, but it did prove that everyone's emotions were too high to be here right now. If no one else was going to say anything, then he would.
"Yeah, I know." He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly with a smile. "I just think this might be a bad idea."
Allura sighed. "Lance...:"
"Why didn't you voice your concerns before we landed?" Shiro asked. Lance decided to ignore the last question and instead actually tell them his concerns.
"I just think that-"
"-This is a good planet, Lance," Allura assured him.
"I know that, but-"
"-The Zurill people are good people, and an alliance with them will be very helpful."
"I understand that," Lance stressed, "we're just not-"
"-We can't insult them now by backing out of the negotiations," she warned.
Lance took a deep breath. Tell one ill-timed joke during the debriefing, and you almost get kicked out for not taking it seriously. No one had really listened to him after that, and he'd just been trying to lighten the somber mood because everyone was stressing out over this meeting too much. They were all so caught up in proving they were fine that they couldn't see it wasn't fine. He knew they weren't trying to take it out on him, but they just weren't listening to what he had to say. But they needed to.
"Okay, okay but I feel-"
"Look!" Pidge pointed down the hill. "They're coming." The greeting party was slowly making its way up toward the ship.
That was literally the worst time the Zurill could have made their appearance. Lance didn't think anything good could come out of the team keeping it up like they were.
"Okay Paladins, remember how important this meeting is," Allura muttered. Everyone straightened into stern postures, and Lance copied with a quiet sigh.
Shiro warned them, "Be on your best behavior."
"That means you Lance," Pidge teased with a glance his way. "That means no flirting."
Lance opened his mouth to argue back when he saw Hunk's face over her shoulder. He was smiling at the joke with his posture a little less tense than it had been. It wasn't the team's fault that Lance wasn't in the mood for the joke. Pidge was just doing the easiest thing to lighten the tension, and Lance could respect that. So, he flashed Hunk he best smile before rolling his eyes at Pidge. He faced forward with a carefully confident air as he tried to get himself in the proper headspace to make it through today's meetings.
He really didn't think anything good could come out of this.
Everything had been sailing smoothly since the team had gone to Zurill. Despite that, Lance hadn't been able to shake the sinking feeling in his gut. It was the heavy dawn of realization right before everything came crashing down. Like split second after you tip a chair back too far, and your stomach drops. That was probably why he wasn't surprised when the other hammer, metaphorically, hit. And there had been actual hammers, but the robeast had just been a distraction while a Galra fleet pulled into position.
The team had been handling missions and attacks and even forming Voltron with no problem, for a while, but this was bigger than anything they'd seen since getting Shiro back. It had everyone on edge, and Lance was treading through the sharp orders carefully.
"The particle barrier can't take much more!" Allura cried in warning. Lance was tempted to tell her what he thought about the ever-failing barrier, but bit his tongue and focused on the other other lions. Red and Green were doing a pretty good job of speeding around the Galra ships, taking them out a handful at a time. Black and Yellow were still trying to get through to the ion cannon on the closest battleship to stop it from making another hit.
"How you doing there Hunk?" Lance called.
"There's so many!" Hunk's voice wailed through the comms. "I can't shake them. There's so many."
"You got this, buddy," Lance cheered him on. He was doing his best to blast through the ships around chasing the head and other leg of Voltron. Blue's cannon wasn't as quick to aim as his bayard, but he still thought he was doing quick work. "I know you can take these guys with one claw behind your back. Just focus on what you're good at and smash that cannon. Shiro's got your back."
"I'm right beside you, Hunk," Shiro agreed. Hunk having a breakdown right now would be less than ideal "Just get through that barrier."
Lance jerked Blue's controls back as Red shot past him with a tail of Galra ships right behind her.
"Don't just sit there, Lance!" Keith cried.
"Lance, you're supposed to be helping keep those ships under control so we can get to the other ion cannon before the particle barrier fails," Shiro reminded him. With castle defenses low, he'd thought helping Yellow and Black get to the first ion cannon was a bigger priority. The smaller ships were just like annoying gnats that just kept buzzing around the team to separate them and not have a long enough pause to form Voltron. Pidge and Keith had them well managed, but he had disobeyed his order.
"Aye, aye." He added the finger gun noise to get his tone across before chasing after Green. "On it." They corralled a small fleet to the other side of the ship.
"Lance," Pidge called, "go find another group instead of wasting time helping me with this one!"
At that moment, the other Galra battleship fired its blast at the weakening castle defenses. Coran and Allura cried out over comms while the offensive barrage from the castle spaceship paused for a moment.
"It held!" Corran hollered. "It should be able to take one more hit."
Pidge had already zoomed off to deal with more of the ships, but Lance hesitated behind the battleship. The second Galra battleship was drifting in the distance. The majority of the Glara ships were clustered around the action by the first ion cannon, so breaking through would only take a fraction of the effort once they were finally able to focus on the second ship. He didn't doubt that Hunk and Shiro would take care of the first battleship in time, but that left the second one with too many possible hits at the exposed castle.
He thought it through: if they didn't destroy the first cannon before it could fire again, it would take down the barrier. Then even if they did get the cannon destroyed, the second ion cannon would do some serious damage. On the off chance Shiro and Hunk did get the first cannon destroyed in time, it still could take too much time to destroy the second. It could get two blasts in before rendered inoperable and also do some serious damage. All in all, they didn't have enough time.
Without thinking about it, he gunned Blue toward the second battleship. The few ships protecting the second cannon took note, and geared to attack him once he was in range. Flooring the accelerator forward, he muted his comm.
"Hey Blue," he called, "I know this is a stupid idea, but keep it steady." He felt the rumble of Blue beneath his feet, the rumble of Blue in his mind, the rumble of the link and trust they shared, and he made his plan. "You're too valuable to risk, okay?" They were in range now but moving too quickly for many of the ships to get clean shots.
"Lance? What are you doing!"
He registered the voice but not who said it. Instead, he focused on his best girl.
"I have to do this, and you know it." He hoped he was explaining it to her well enough. He didn't know why he needed her to understand. Maybe he just wanted someone to.
He stared through the windshield. They were almost on top of the battleship. "There isn't enough time for a grand speech or anything, and that's probably good. I'd talk forever." Still forward in his seat, he tensed to get ready. "So, I guess I just have time to say goodbye." Activating the mask on his helmet, he carefully watched the battleship loom fully into his field of vision.
"Goodbye." Smacking the acceleration and eject button at the same time, he gasped as his body was suddenly lurched down.
For a few dizzying seconds, he didn't know what was happening, but then his momentum slowed, and he spiraled to a stop. He was hanging in space upside down while Blue drifted away in front of him. The ships were hitting her better as she drifted at a slower pace outside of their range. Lance wasn't worried. He knew she could take some hits, and he hadn't wanted her hurtling into space on her own at full speed.
"Lance, where are you?" Keith demanded. Lance gasped and looked toward the first battleship. There were popping explosions of light from every ship the team destroyed. He could barely see flashes of color from the lions and couldn't tell if the cannon had blasted the castle shield again or not.
"I'm through!" Hunk cried. "I'm through!"
"Way to go," Shiro cheered, "take it down."
Lance couldn't make out the ion cannon from where he was hovering about the ship's hull, but he smiled anyway. Despite the muted comm, he whispered a fond, "I knew you could do it buddy."
"Lance, help me keep this fleet from regrouping at the other ship!" Pidge called.
"We're not going to have time to mess around," Shiro warned the group. "We have to get that second cannon out of commission immediately, so keep those ships out of the way."
"Hey, where are you?" Lance heard Pidge's confusion. Ignoring the pangs he felt at keeping his team in silence, he activated his jets to propel down the hull of the ship. There was a hangar down further down the side where the Galra fighter jets came out of.
"Oh my g- Lance!" Keith yelled. "He's all the way over there!"
Shiro sighed. "Lance what are you doing?"
"You're flying away from the fight, dude," Hunk laughed.
Lance was in the hangar now, so he couldn't see Blue drifting further and further away. It probably looked like a strange sight, so he allowed a small smile as the team and the Alteans muttered about his strange flying habits. He could even be fond of Keith's cargo pilot comments right now if it meant still hearing his voice.
The smile slipped from his face when he activated his bayard; he had bigger issues to worry about now and only so much time. The team would be able to bring Blue back for him once they realized what was going on.
He couldn't explain it to them, so he listened in silence as they talked about him. He listened in silence as he made it through the halls, through any Galra in his way, and he searched, oblivious to any pain or injuries. He listened in silence as they talked about the battle and their voices cracked with worry and desperation then turned sharp with anger and desperation. He listened in silence without any cries of pain as he ignored any and all injuries while he focused solely on his mission and their talking. Because he knew they would understand his silence when they realized, and they did.
When the first explosions burst out, they did.
A/N: As I said in the tags: I super promise (spoilers) there is not major character death. If anyone is worried or upset by the ending, please just wait because I would have put an archive warning in if this fic needed it. I promise. This was just a whole dump of the team dealing with trauma in a bad bad way. They'll get the chance to redeem themselves, but sometimes pushing too hard just ends in things breaking. Again, the team is not intentionally mean or hurtful to Lance. We've all been in situations where people snap out of tension or frustration, and, let's face it, everyone is under a lot of pressure. In high stress situations, it can be hard to see if you're shutting someone out. They're all trying so hard to prove they're fine, they're missing how everyone else is struggling too, and Lance is the one getting hurt because of it. They all need to see that they haven't been behaving in a mentally or physically healthy way. Lance included.
Thanks for all the favorites, likes, and reviews! They're what keep me going at this even after I almost stopped. Only Chapter 3 to go. I'll see you on the other side.
