The Other Sides of Haruhi Suzumiya
The Return of Ryouko Asakura: Three
Or: Ryouko Asakura QUITS.
It happened in a neglected part of the old building in North High. Strange, energy like sparkles came together, shimmering in the morning sunlight, then resolved into the form of a young woman with dark blue hair.
"Even Nagato didn't know I had created back ups," Ryouko Asakura purred as she got up from where she was crouching, raising her fist to the sky and declaring "now, I will find Kyon and complete my mission!"
Realizing she was possibly over emoting Ryouko shook her head, stalking out of her place of concealment. It was morning, and thankfully no one was around the school as she walked the halls and went outside. Sitting down on a bench the young woman cautiously reached out to the Integrated Thought Entity, discovering to her surprise a extensive file on herself. She downloaded it and froze, eyes going wide.
'I've come back fifteen times?' Ryouko thought, appalled.
Being attacked by Men in Blacks, beaten to death by Tsuruya, clubbed to death by ENOZ of all people... the images played across her memory. One of the more horrid moments had been her defeat by Kyon's little sister and Shamisen. The image of the cat's bloody paws and muzzle along with the eerily smiling girl's spork heading for her eye would be burned into her memory forever.
As she watched herself get killed in more and more embarrassing ways, something clicked inside of Ryouko Asakura. The basic futility of what she had been doing warred against her programmed drives, and finally something broke.
"Damn it, I've had enough!" she yelled to the morning sky, shaking her fist in the air, "I am done! I QUIT!"
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
The young woman running the ice cream parlor watched wide eyed as the teen demolished yet another bowl of ice cream. The girl had walked in not long after they opened, dropped a wad of cash of the counter, and started sampling ice creams.
"Hmm, that's good!" Ryouko muttered as her taste buds were bombarded by another delectible treat. "What do you call this one, Miss Shannon?" she asked, reading the woman's name tag.
"Triple ripple fudge," Shannon answered, picking up the stack of small bowls the woman had already had and carrying them over to the sink.
"I don't know why I never tried this before," Ryouko noted as she licked the spoon off.
"Well, that's all our types of chocolate," Shannon noted as she washed the bowls, "did you want to try the strawberries now?"
"There's more flavors?" Ryouko's eyes widened. "I think I love you."
"Not on the first date," Shannon joked.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
The machine fired the baseball with a soft 'whump' and Ryouko stepped forward. She swung with a smooth, graceful motion and the bat connected to ball, hammering it with a clang up towards the roof of the batting cage.
"Ah, that felt good," Ryouko leaned on the bat, sighing. She had wanted to try this several times, but the circumstances had never been right. She saw the machine reloading and took up her stance, grinning. It was even funner imagining Kyon's face on the balls...
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"Damn it!" Ryouko growled as she slammed her hand on the bar, "I am not a kid! I am a alien data entity sent to observe humanity! And I want BOOZE!"
Ryouko the alien space pirate and part time bartender met her glare for glare. "Maybe so, but you look like a teenager! No booze for you!"
"Do you have to do the soup nazi accent?" her twin sister Minagi asked.
"Oh shut up," the multi-color haired Ryouko shot back.
Ryouko sighed as she glared at the booze that was so close yet so far away. "All right," she sighed, "what non-alcoholic drinks do you have?"
The other Ryouko grinned, "I thought you'd never ask."
Some time later and the counter beside Ryouko was littered with cute designed empty glasses as several customers and staff watched in awe. "You know, I'm starting to believe you really are a alien," Minagi noted.
"Gee, thanks," Ryouko noted as she tossed back a fuzzy orange colored drink. "I think I like this best, what is it?"
"An alocohol free 'fuzzy navel' pretty much," Ryouko the bartender smiled.
"This is a interesting bar," Ryouko noted as she took in the women drinking, talking and dancing together. "Why are there only women here, thought?"
"That'll take some explaining," Minagi admitted. It took some doing, as Minagi had to back up a few times to explain some basic concepts to her.
"Women who are attracted only to women," she noted thoughtfully, "and this bar serves them exclusively."
"Yup," Minagi nodded.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
The woman was not Yuki Nagato, though Ryouko would admit there was a resemblance. Rei Ayanami struck up a conversation, Ryouko discovered how pleasant it was to dance, then Rei suggested they visit the upstairs rooms. After which she had to explain what the upstairs rooms were for.
The next hour or so was... a revelation. Ryouko had thought ice cream and drinking had been good, but compared to this? It was nothing!
"Would you like to move past foreplay?" Rei asked curiously.
"There's MORE?" Ryouko's eyes went wide.
"Yes," Rei agreed, smiling.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Everyday Kyon went to school, and almost everyday something new, interesting or disturbing was sprung on him. It was getting to the point where he was worried he would develop full blown paranoia, or something.
"Hello, everyone," their teacher breezed in, the older man sighing tiredly. "We have a... I was going to say new transfer student, but she's actually a old friend of yours."
Ryouko Asakura smiled sweetly as she entered. Walking beside the teacher and bowing to the class. "Good morning," she beamed.
"Gack!" Kyon made a soft choking noise.
"This is Ryouko Asakura," the teacher introduced her needlessly, "she's returned from studying abroad in Canada. Please make her welcome."
"Hello, everyone," Ryouko bowed. She smiled at Kyon, "I jusat wanted to say that I no longer bear any animus towards you."
Everyone looked over at Kyon, who still looked faintly stunned. Haruhi Suzumiya jabbed him in the back as she hissed, "What is THAT about?"
"Also, I am now a devout lesbian, so if any women are interested, please come see me," Ryouko said, concluding, "That is all."
End
Notes: My original plan was to depict more resurrections of Ryouko with increasingly unpleasant deaths, but after some thought I decided to have some fun. I mean, after how many reboots, wouldn't anyone just say 'screw this, I quit?' So she went out and discovered the wonders of ice cream, batting cages, drinking and women. Heh!
