A/N: Hey, guys. It's been so long, hasn't it? Well, I hope you all have survived the last few episodes of Grey's. Is anyone else seeing some parallels between my story and the show? It's making me kinda proud :p This chapter is so short, but I knew if I didn't get it out this weekend, it wouldn't happen for far too long. I did slightly change the ending, so if you want to go back and reread the last chapter or just read the flashback at the beginning of this one, you'll understand the little shift. I didn't want to leave it so vague. That was a mistake on my part, to think that it would work in the story, and I realized very soon after posting it that it didn't fit at all.
This chapter is helping to establish Arizona as part of the healing process. I wanted some of the fixing to be on her shoulders, as opposed to it being all up to Callie as the show has been so far (Which, I would like to mention, is brilliant and if I were writing the show, I wouldn't change a thing. I just think it fits better for this fic in particular.) And I did steal a few ideas from the episode before last, which you'll see in this chapter ;)
Enjoy, hopefully it's not too all over the place.
-K.
"What are you doing, Callie? I don't understand."
"I'm forgiving you."
With those words, Arizona's grip on Callie's hands loosened, unconsciously allowing Callie to do as she pleased. She couldn't help the feeling in the pit of her stomach that what they were doing was wrong, but she didn't want to stop Callie, in fear that it would make her leave again. "Okay."
It wasn't until Callie was almost forcefully dragging her into the bedroom that Arizona's senses kicked in again and she locked her knees, almost causing her wife to fall on top of her. It was awkward and a little bit embarrassing for Callie, who was fuming as Arizona steadied them, but it had to be done.
"What the hell-"
"Callie," Arizona cut her off, still gently grasping Callie's arm.
"What?" Callie barked, and attempted to pull away roughly. "What, you wanted me to come back here just so you could say you didn't want to be with me? God damn it, Arizona, make up your mind! I thought you meant what you said to my dad! Or… or were you just saying that to hold him over, so he wouldn't blame you? Did you even mean any of that?" As much as she tried to sound angry, her voice wavered, and it showed Arizona that she was already breaking down her walls. Something she didn't want. Not yet, anyway.
Arizona just pulled Callie closer until they were inches away, so that Callie was looking her dead in the eye. "I meant everything I said, Calliope. I love you." She tried desperately to convey the emotion behind her words with just a gaze, and it seemed to work.
Callie's shoulders slumped, and she looked away. "If you love me, why'd you sleep with her?"
Arizona knew it was just the easiest comeback, but like every time she thought about Lauren, she felt a pang in her chest, and she wished more than anything she could take those moments back. But it was something she expected Callie to say, and she realized it was exactly what she needed in order to explain. So she gently touched her wife's chin until she was barely looking at her, but it was enough.
"Callie, this is why I'm not just going to sleep with you. This is why I'm not just going to let you forgive me. I…I know that what I said might have meant something to you, just because I never got the courage to say those things to you in person. But that's just it. I want to be able to talk to you about it. To apologize to you and not make up some bullshit excuse for the things I do. Don't think that I'm not grateful that you're willing to give me another chance, but I think it's for all the wrong reasons. I don't want us to skip any steps this time, Calliope. If you truly want to work this out, I'm going to do it the right way. I don't want us to push it so far back into our heads that we just eventually 'mostly' forget. I want, instead, to spend the rest of my life making it up to you." Arizona felt, despite the truthfulness behind the words, that she'd been in that situation before, and it upset her that she'd screwed up royally with this wonderful woman more times than she deserved.
Apparently Callie felt the same, because she just sighed. "Arizona…I want to believe you, but I just keep remembering that we've been here before. And that makes me realize that I was right. You hurt me again, once I let you back in. How do I know this isn't the same?"
Arizona knew that was a tough question, and it deserved the response it deserved. So she thought for a few moments before answering. "Because we don't have that bubble anymore."
If it had been a few days earlier, Callie would have been utterly confused. But she remembered every single word Arizona had spoken on that recording, so she understood.
"I know you'll leave me, Calliope. Maybe not this time, but if I ever screw up again, you're leaving, and I get that. Actually, if you find some reason to stay, I'll make you leave. Because Carlos was right. I don't deserve you; I never truly did but especially not now. I wish I had known that from the day I met you. Maybe we would have had a different dynamic. Because you're not inexperienced with love compared to me. In fact, I've never seen someone love more beautifully than you. No matter who it was that you loved. And I wish I could give you that love back. I try. I truly do. I just…haven't been so great at it recently." Arizona's bottom lip quivered as she stood with her arms wrapped around herself, unsure of what else to say.
Callie reached for her hand and pulled her over to the couch that they both fell onto in exhaustion, leaving a slight space between them. Neither of them said a word for a few minutes, although they continued to silently grasp each other's hand. Callie knew that it was the most opportune time to bring up a subject that she was more than a little nervous about.
"Arizona…" Callie started. The blonde looked at her. "I think you should, uh… gototherapy,"she stuttered, unsure of how Arizona would react.
"…What?" Instead of seeming angry, Arizona simply looked confused. "Why…?"
Callie sighed. She knew it was something that had never even remotely crossed her wife's mind. "Therapy…it can be good for people like you, who've gone through some trauma. I didn't push you to do it before, because I truly thought that you were getting better. Obviously that's not the case. You don't think in the back of my mind, I know why people cheat? I do. And George did it because he didn't love me enough. But I know that's not your problem, Arizona… I'll always love you more, because that's the kind of person I am, but I know that you love me. At least, sometimes I remember that you do. So I think you have other problems you need to work through. And therapy can help, because you won't feel as pressured as if you would talk to me-"
"Callie. I don't need therapy," Arizona cut her off, no emotion showing on her face. "It's been a year, I'm over the leg."
"But you're not. Not really. That might not be the reason you cheated, but our lives revolve around it now, and that needs to change. We need to learn how to live without remembering the past and becoming angry because we had so much more. And don't even think that I don't know about the nightmares, Arizona," Callie whispered, seeing the nervous look on the blonde's face.
"They're not as bad-"
"Yes, they are. They haven't changed."
Arizona's deep blue eyes watered. "But I can't go, Callie… they can't help me heal. When Tim died, my parents tried to send me and I went once, just to comfort them…and ended up feeling worse because I couldn't even open up to the woman. I can't…I can't open up to anyone, Callie, except for you a little bit, but not enough."
"I think you need to try. I know you do." Callie pulled Arizona's hand closer to her in a sign of support.
"Will you come with me?" Arizona asked slightly hopefully.
Callie thought it over. It would be so easy to just tag along and use the therapy as a way to forgive Arizona, to see that she truly had problems that needed to be fixed. But that was exactly what they needed to avoid. The easy way out was no longer an option for them. So she responded, "I think you need to do this on your own."
Arizona's mouth opened slightly in surprise and then shut again. "But…Callie, I need you. You're the only one I trust. I won't… I can't do this without you. Please."
"You can," Callie answered, her heart hurting at the sight of Arizona's frozen look, as if she were afraid of being alone. "You need to do this on your own, to prove to yourself- to prove to me- that we can get past this."
"No-"
"Arizona. You need this," Callie insisted, wanting to push despite seeing that her wife was breaking down in front of her.
Arizona felt herself being pulled into Callie's chest, and she suddenly felt ashamed of everything she was and everything she couldn't be. She decided then that she would do what Callie needed her to do. It was what she had promised anyway. The tears came faster, and her cheeks turned bright red as she buried her face in Callie's shirt. "Okay. Okay, I'll do it. I love you."
"I know."
For the first time in months, Arizona didn't need to look up to see that Callie was looking at her with nothing but adoration. She could feel the love she'd been refusing to receive. And she knew that they would do their best to get through the mess she'd made.
