"Here's what I don't understand," Barton said.
Steve turned, startled. She'd just finished her five hour debrief at SHIELD and wanted nothing more than to eat, change, and sleep. The cafeteria was on the bottom floor of SHIELD, and the elevators were out. She was currently in the stairwell, traveling down, when Barton burst in just behind her.
"Uh, hi, Barton."
"Hey, Cap. We're alone now, can I ask you some questions?"
She'd been expecting this. While she'd told her story to Thor, she could see questions forming on Baton's face. He'd moved several times like he was going to say something before swallowing it back.
"Sure, go ahead." It wasn't that she minded talking about it. She just never did. Or had. She'd explained to Fury what had happened. And to the doctors. But never to anyone else, not completely. Even Peggy didn't know the full story. There hadn't been time to tell her.
"How did you become the first—and only—super soldier? I mean, surely that Dr. Erskine guy must have noticed that you're a… well, physically. You know."
"Yeah, I do know," Steve said dryly. "And he knew. Dr. Erskine. When he chose me for the program, he already knew. He wanted me anyway."
"Really? He didn't care that you're…"
"He said that there were already so many big guys fighting, that maybe what they really needed was something different. They needed me." She shrugged.
"Okay, so that explains Erskine. But how did you get through basic training?"
"Same way I got through living in a boy's home once my mom died. I showered after lights out and didn't take my shorts off. Of course, for me, basic was only a week. We were on a time limit, and they chose me fast."
"You lived in a boy's home?"
"I started calling myself a boy after my dad died. And we moved soon after that, lost touch with the old neighbors, so I got away with it. When my mom died, I kept my mouth shut, and no one looked too closely. No one thought to look for my birth certificate, and I just didn't say anything. I didn't figure I'd be there long, and when Bucky found out, he insisted we leave. So, I never got caught."
"This is kind of mind blowing." Barton rubbed his hand over his face. "So, besides Bucky, only Erskine knew?"
"Well. Howard Stark knew. He helped with the cover-up."
"Howard Stark, as in Stark Stark? Tony's dad?"
She nodded.
"And does Tony know?"
"No."
Barton wrinkled his nose. "You going to tell him?"
"I don't know. Maybe. No. I don't know." She rubbed her eyes and stopped walking, leaning against the stairs. "Do you think I should?"
"I mean, I think the choice is up to you," Barton said. He leaned against the stairs across from Steve, facing her. "It's your secret, your life. But on the other hand, Stark doesn't seem like the kind who takes it well when things are hidden from him."
"I'm not hiding anything."
"You kind of are. But it's your right to. It's your identity, and you don't owe the nitty gritty to anyone."
She sighed and scrubbed at her face. "It would be so much easier if he could look at me and just see it. Then I wouldn't have to find the words."
"Believe me, Cap, these days, there are plenty of words. Just look online to find the right one." He pulled away from the railing and started walking downstairs again. "What about Peggy Carter? Did she know?"
Steve followed Clint. "Yeah. I told her after Bucky died. She seemed to accept it. But then I died, so maybe she wouldn't have in the long run."
"At least you're going to get a chance to see her again. You'll find out how it would have been between you."
And that thought struck her motionless. How it would have been. Not would be. Because Peggy was ninety years old, and Steve was still young. Peggy had lived her life, and Steve's had been arrested. Peggy was dying, and Steve…
"I, uh… I need…" She turned around in a circle, looking for a way out. She needed out of here, and where had all the doors gone? What the hell kind of place didn't put doors in the walls so people could get out? What… how…
"Okay. It's okay. Let's just sit down."
There was a hand on her arm, tugging her down. Her knees bent, and there was something hard under her.
"Just put your head between your knees. Breathe." A strong hand stroked up and down her back, forcing her to bend until her head was hanging down.
"I can't…"
"Yeah, you can. In and out. Deep breaths."
Tears came hot and fast, dripping down her face and onto her boots. Her nose quickly clogged, and she had to open her mouth. Her breaths were loud and painful, a block set up in her chest so she couldn't get enough air.
Everything she knew was gone. Everything she had hoped for was impossible. She'd see Peggy, yes, and they'd talk and share memories, but Peggy would be old. She'd probably gotten married and had children and had had a life without Steve. A life that Steve could never have given her in the first place. And after Steve saw her, what then? What was there for her? She had no friends, no place, no nothing. She didn't even know enough about the world to know what she wanted to do in it.
Black spots started flying at her face.
There was a hand on the back of her neck, pressed against the skin. "Jesus, you're burning up. Cap, you're safe. You're okay. Just keep breathing."
"I can't. I can't…"
"Sure you can. In and out."
She shook her head and sat up. "I can't do this. I can't… I don't…"
"What can't you do? Huh? What's going through your mind right now?"
It felt painful, forcing the words out around the lump in her throat and chest. "I don't have anything. There's nothing for me in this century. I'm just…. I can't…"
Barton wiped Steve's cheek with the back of his hand. "That's just the panic talking. You've got plenty. You're not the first soldier to come home and find everything different, believe me."
"Everyone I know is dead. And Peggy's losing her memory. And even if she wasn't, where do I fit into her life anymore? She doesn't need me. She's had her life. I was just… a moment."
"But an important moment. You said she accepted you for what you are. How did you know?"
She shook her head and started keeling over again, the pain in her chest too much.
Barton pushed her back up. "How did you know, Steve?"
"She kissed me," she whispered. "Before I jumped on the Red Skull's ship, she kissed me just like she would have kissed me if I was a man."
"You weren't just a moment. She'll want to see you. She'll want to see you and touch you and know that you're alive."
"But after that," Steve said. "After that, what do I do? I won't have her. We won't, you know. Reunite and kiss and sail off into the sunset together. I've lost her just as much as I've lost Bucky. I'm alone."
"You'll meet someone new. You…"
She couldn't help the pained sound that escaped her at the thought. "How the hell can I do that when I'm whatever I am? I don't even know what I am, I can't… I can't… I'm not…"
"Okay, okay." He wiped Steve's face again. "That's thought is too much. I get it. You just got home…"
"I'm not home. I'll never be home again."
"It'll be home. Not today and not anytime soon, but one day you'll wake up and it will be home. I promise you that."
"And until then?" she said, voice plaintive.
"Until then? I don't know. I guess, well. There's always work."
She blinked tears out of her eyes and looked up.
"You have SHIELD. And they'd love to have to sign on full time. Become an agent and work with them. Work is a good way to find yourself when you're lost. When you feel like you have nothing."
"Maybe."
"Hey, it's not the only choice. I mean, get therapy, join a support group, whatever. Travel. I'm sure you've got back pay. You can go anywhere in the world you want. Do anything you want."
"But I don't know what I want. The world's too big, and there's too much, and I don't know."
Barton nodded. "Okay. So, for now, stick with what you know. You know how to be a soldier."
"Yeah."
"So, stick with that. Get used to being here. Train with SHIELD, go on missions. You'll get used to being in this century. You'll make friends so you're not as alone. You'll start feeling your place. It will be okay."
She took a deep breath and allowed his words to wash over her. She wasn't sure that she believed them, but they helped settle her, just a bit.
"Can you say it?"
"What?"
He gave her a crooked smile. "Say that everything is going to be okay."
"I don't…"
"I know you don't believe it. That's fine. Just say it and see how it feels."
She sighed and sniffed. "It's going to be okay."
"Good! Now. Right this moment, what do you want to do? More than anything else. What do you want to do?"
She didn't even have to think about it. "I want to go home and take this uniform off. And then I want food."
"All right. I'll give you a ride." He stood and offered her a hand up.
"Thanks, Clint," she said after she was standing. "I'm, uh…"
"You're welcome," he said before she could finish her apology. "Now, let's blow this joint and get you out of the stars and stripes."
"Here, here."
