The next couple of days, Steve woke early and went for a run. It felt good, getting out and moving. Cleared her head somewhat.

Which was why it was strange that, while she was brushing her teeth, her heart started pounding and the roaring in her ears came back. She found herself shaking and gripping the sides of the sink hard, trying to stop it.

It only lasted a few minutes, but they were long minutes. By the end, she felt emotionally wiped out and physically exhausted.

After the second time it happened, she decided to go to SHIELD. Maybe it was anxiety about Loki. Fear that he'd escape and that they'd have to take him on again. She didn't really think it was that, but at least it was something to do.

"He's fine, Cap," Fury said when she got to headquarters. "Locked up, not talking."

"Thought he couldn't talk. Not with the muzzle." She wrinkled her nose at the image of Loki on the screen. She knew the muzzle was a necessity, but it looked barbaric and cruel.

"He has to eat. We take it off a couple times a day to feed him. Guards go in with earplugs, but he never says anything. Just looks disdainfully at everything before eating. That's all." He turned away from the screen and leaned against the computer desk. "Why you really here?"

She shrugged and tried to hold back the sense of shame that washed over her. She was panicking over nothing for no reason, but she couldn't tell Fury that. He'd think she was crazy, that something was wrong with her. Maybe he'd even lock her up.

"Just thought I should check in, make sure everything was okay," she finally said. "There's only so much Netflix a person can watch before they want to do something."

Fury almost smiled at that. "There's not much for you to do here right now. Most of our efforts are cleaning up post battle and putting out fires. Best for you not to get involved. But, come to think of it, Thor's starting to look bored. Maybe you can introduce him to the gym, get him to get some of his aggression out."

She nodded. "Where is he now?"

"Last I saw, he, Barton, and Romanoff were in the mess. Might still be there."

She started toward the door. "Sounds good."

"Cap?"

"Yeah?"

"You see a shrink after the battle? It's standard procedure."

She shook her head.

"Make sure you do. I know that you're used to toughing things out on your own, but the last thing we need is anyone not dealing with something they need to deal with. And that was a lot to deal with." He paused a moment, then said, "Both Barton and Romanoff have already been."

"Okay. I will." She smiled, trying to look normal, like she hadn't been near tears holding a toothbrush this morning, and then left to find the others.


Somehow, taking Thor turned to the gym turned into sparring with Thor. It was all Natasha's idea, so Steve found herself in the boxing ring, facing off with the God of Thunder.

They'd agreed to hand-to-hand only, so no hammer and no shield. They both wore workout clothes, so no armor. Other than that, the only rules were to do their best to win.

Steve thought she did pretty well. Thor was strong. Focused. And he knew all these tricks that she didn't. He was fast and when he connected, Steve found herself flying across the room.

She didn't lose by much, but she did lose. After about forty-five minutes, she found herself on her back, unable to throw Thor off.

"Okay, okay," she said, laughing through the pain in her ribs. She was pretty sure that she'd cracked a couple again, but she wasn't worried; she healed quickly. "I give."

Thor climbed off her and offered her a hand up. "You are a worthy opponent, Steve. A strong and a fierce warrior. However…"

"However, how much training do you have?" asked Natasha from the sidelines.

Steve limped out of the ring and grabbed her water. Before she answered, she took a long drink. "Well," she finally said. "Before the war, Bucky gave me some boxing lessons. And, I got into a fight about every week, so that's like training. But other than that…" She shook her head.

Natasha raised her eyebrows. "So you have no formal fight training. You just… go in swinging and hope you win?"

"Well, I have the shield. That helps."

She let out a surprised laugh. "Dumb luck and some natural skill. That's all you've got?"

"With an emphasis on dumb luck." She swiped at her forehead. "I don't suppose you could train me?"

"I don't know if I'm the best person for the job. I mean, SHIELD has trainers. Fury will probably have you work with them. But, yeah, I can show you some of the basics. Not right now. What's wrong with your side?"

She rolled her eyes. "I think I cracked a rib."

"I'm sorry, Steve," Thor said. "I didn't mean to cause you injury."

"No, it's fine. I know you didn't. But I guess I should go to medical."

"I'll go with you," Thor said.

"It's fine," she protested, but Thor waved away her protests.

"We'll catch you at dinner, then?" Clint asked. He'd spent most of the fight in the corner, texting on his phone, but he looked up now. "There's an Chinese place down the street that's open again. Want to try it?"

"Sure, sounds good. Seven?"

"Seven it is. Now, go take care of yourself."

Steve limped to the elevator, Thor with her. He didn't offer support, but was clearly ready to catch her if she fell or stumbled.

"I'm not hurt that badly," she said as the doors closed. "It hurts, but I think it's already healing. But SHIELD gets touchy if you're injured and don't report it. In my first week, I accidentally broke a finger when I was using the punching bag. When they found out, they weren't happy, even though it healed fine."

"I would never leave a fellow warrior alone, not if they are injured. Besides, I am curious to know. Do the others know that you are a woman?"

She winced and leaned against the wall of the elevator. "Uh, no. Well. Clint does and Fury does, but not the rest. It's kind of… complicated."

"Complicated how?"

"I don't really identify as a woman. Call myself one, that is. I'm…" And here it was. The moment of truth.

She swallowed and felt her face heat. "It's called genderqueer. Means I'm not really man or woman, just sort of… in between. But most people think I'm a man, and I'm fine with that." She rubbed her face; her heart was pounding again, but she didn't feel out of control like before. "How did you know?"

"It didn't become obvious until I was on top of you. It took me a moment, but then I realized what I was… feeling?"

"Oh. That's… okay." She scrubbed her hand over her face. "So. Are you okay with it?"

Thor frowned. "I find it odd. Clearly on this planet, women can be warriors. Like Natasha or Maria Hill. Why pretend…"

"I'm not pretending. I'm not a woman. I'm something else."

"Right. It is strange. I have never encountered such a thing. On Asgard, there are men who desire to be women, and women who desire to be men. Or, at least they desire to have the role of a woman or man. It is a hard road for them. My friend, Lady Sif, fought long and hard to be accepted as a warrior, and there are still those who make remarks, both in her hearing and not. Those who do it in her hearing are taught a lesson by her, and soundly. But I have never heard of someone who is… genderqueer."

She laughed. "Neither had I until this week. But it's who I am. I hope you can accept that."

Thor shrugged and held out his hand. "You are a worthy warrior and a good man. Person. I am proud to call you friend."

She took his hand and shook. "Me too."


Three ribs were cracked. Despite Steve's insistence that they didn't hurt much, and they'd heal in a few hours, the doctor told Steve that she couldn't leave the infirmary until they did heal. So, she found herself lying in bed, ice pack on the injury, reading. Thor had left some time ago and despite the book being interesting, she was bored.

"Hello, Steve."

But not bored enough for this.

She closed the book and looked up at her psychologist. "Dr. Gliden. Hi."

"Mind if I sit down?"

Yes. "Not at all."

Dr. Gliden pulled a seat closer to the bed and sat. "Director Fury wanted me to check in with you. It's standard procedure after a battle like this one. Any major battle, actually. But one with aliens and nuclear weapons? It's definitely best to make sure your head is on right."

"Did you see anyone?" she asked. "I mean, I know that you didn't fight, but…" She trailed off and ran her thumb over the edge of her book.

He smiled and nodded. "I have a therapist, yes. And after the dust settled, I called her and talked." He frowned. "You know, Steve, sometimes I get the feeling you're not entirely comfortable talking with me. Would you maybe prefer a female therapist?"

She shrugged and immediately wished she hadn't when her ribs pulled and breath caught. "No, it's not that. I'm just not used to the whole… talking about my feelings thing. Or talking about some of the things you want me to talk about. It wouldn't be any easier with a woman."

"Okay, I can understand that. You're reticent by nature. Was there every anyone you felt comfortable sharing your feelings with?"

She sighed and chewed on her bottom lip. It was a fair question, but she didn't know how to answer it. She'd never hid how she felt around her mother or Bucky. Well. She'd hidden that she how she felt about him from Bucky, but other than that… If she was angry, she'd be angry. If she was happy, she'd be happy. She never hid how she felt from either of them, sometimes to their exasperation.

"I guess," she finally said, "I showed my feeling with Mom and…" She swallowed. "Bucky. I mean, I never hid how I felt. But I didn't talk about my feelings. Not like you want me to do. It would have felt weird. It still feels weird. I mean, what do you want me to say? That during the battle I felt scared? Of course I did. I was terrified. But that couldn't matter, there was a job to do. So I did it."

"That's good. That's very good, Steve. But it's not just during the battle, it's after. How do you feel now?"

She started to shrug, but caught herself and tilted her head instead. "I'm fine."

"No nightmares? Panic attacks?"

"What's a panic attack?"

Dr. Gliden leaned forward. He talked a lot with his hands, and they started to wave in the air now. "It's a sudden feeling of anxiety or panic. Your heart races, you get shortness of breath. You have the feeling that something bad is going to happen, or is happening right now. You might shake or something goes numb. Have you had anything like that?"

She let out a deep breath and nodded, not meeting his eyes.

"You're having panic attacks?"

She nodded again.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. I'd be surprised if you weren't experiencing something like that. You've been through a lot, and not just in the past month. It's been over a year for you, being at war. And to come back so traumatically…"

Her hands tightened on the book, bending the soft pages between them. "I don't think… I mean, the first time, I was thinking about Peggy. But the other times, I'm not… I don't know what I'm thinking about."

"They're not coming from nowhere, Steve. You might not be aware of what you're thinking, but something is triggering the panic. You said the first time, you were thinking about Peggy. What do you mean?"

Tears were pressing behind her eyes, and she took a deep breath, trying to push them back. She didn't want to cry in front of this man. Nothing against him; she didn't want to cry in front of anyone. "Just that, I'm going to see her. But she's not like she was. I guess I was thinking of her as still being my age, but that's not how it's going to be. She's ninety-one and I'm. I'm not."

"Ah." Dr. Gliden nodded, looking grave. "What were you doing another time?"

"This morning, I was brushing my teeth. And the world just suddenly seemed too big." She shrugged and tried to smile. "It's stupid."

"No, it's not stupid. You're having an expected reaction to a very strange situation. And you're not alone. There are soldiers who are coming back from the war right now who are going through the same thing. They went away, and their world was one thing. They come back, and it's different. Friends change, family change. People die. Lovers leave them. They have to learn to deal with things being different. Just like you. Maybe not on the same scale, but…. Steve, there are groups…"

"No. I don't want to talk to a group."

"You don't have to talk. Just go and listen. Maybe you won't feel as alone if you listen to other soldiers in similar circumstances."

She just didn't see how sitting in a room, listening to people talking about their problems was supposed to make her stop panicking over toothpaste. It was a nice idea, but it sounded a little farfetched.

"Maybe."

Dr. Gliden let out a little sigh and nodded. "There are other support groups that you might want to look into, too. Like for transgender…"

"I'm not transgender. I'm genderqueer," she said. Again, her face heated and her heart picked up speed at the admission.

Dr. Gliden didn't bat an eye. He just nodded and said, "Technically, it's under the transgender umbrella. And, going to a group with other non cis-identified people might make you feel less alone. Understand yourself a little bit."

"I'm not ready. It's hard enough to tell… anyone."

"Have you told anyone?"

She shook her head. "Clint Barton and Thor figured it out. I told Thor about being genderqueer when he asked if I was a woman. But I haven't just told anyone. Not yet."

"Well. Now that you have an identity, you might want to think about it. It's totally up to you, and you should never feel like you have to tell anyone. It's unfortunate that you come with baggage and expectations. Everyone knows that Captain America is a man. It's a burden to you, having to live with that label. Coming out might make you feel less… claustrophobic."

"So, like, hold a press conference?"

He shook his head. "I was thinking more telling the rest of the Avengers. In private. As a start. And stopping there. I don't know what Director Fury has planned for you. I do know that anything concerning your sex is strictly on paper—nothing is in the computers, there's nothing official about it that could be discovered."

"So, when Stark decrypted the SHIELD files, there was nothing about me?"

"Nothing about your physical sex or gender, no. So he won't discover it like that. But that's not saying it's completely a secret or that it won't come out somehow. However, I don't want fear of discovery to motivate you coming out. I want you to do it because you feel it's right."

Steve shook her head and ran her fingers over the edges of her book. "I don't know if I'll ever feel it's right. I'm just too used to hiding it."

"It's a new age, Steve. Eventually, you'll feel like you're living it in, and then you'll realize you don't have anything to hide. Trust me on that. But, for now, let's talk about your panic attacks. I've got a few suggestions of what you can do next time have one."

"Okay." Then, because she had a feeling that he was right, she added, "Thanks, Doc."

He smiled. "Of course."