Her heart was pounding again, but she didn't think she was having a panic attack. Even though her palms were sweating and her stomach was twisted into knots.

But it was okay. It was a good kind of panic, if there was such a thing. She was panicking because today was the day she was going to see Peggy again.

She could do this. She was just going to sit down with an old friend, not face down an army of enemy aliens. This was Peggy.

The door opened and Peggy's daughter, Diane, came into the waiting room.

Steve stood.

"Okay, Steve, she's ready," Diane said. "She's having a really good day today, but remember, that might change. If she starts getting confused or upset, I'll be right out here."

Steve nodded and tightened her grip on the bouquet of roses she'd brought. "And she's… Okay. She's ready."

Diana smiled and put her hand on Steve's arm. "Take a deep breath. I know this must be overwhelming for you."

"A little. I'm just a little nervous."

"I understand. So is she." She squeezed Steve's arm. "Go in. Down the hall, fourth door on the right."

"Fourth door. Okay." She took another deep breath, squared her shoulders, and started down the hall. The hall seemed to stretch as she walked down it, getting longer and darker. It tilted.

She stopped outside the door and took a breath, trying to regain her balance. And her composure.

She counted to twenty and then back down to zero twice before she felt settled enough. Once her stomach had stopped doing flips, she rapped her knuckles on the door.

"Come in," a voice called.

Steve took another breath and opened the door.

Peggy's back was to her when she stepped in. Long, gray hair cascaded over her shoulders. she wore a red dress and red shoes.

Then she turned.

All the breath went out of Steve, like she'd been punched. She thought she'd been prepared, but it was different. Knowing someone was old and seeing it for the first time.

But, God, she was still so beautiful. Old, yes, but it was Peggy. The same determined eyes, the same set of her mouth and chin, the shape of her face…

Peggy's eyes filled with tears and she broke into a smile. "Steve. Oh, God, you're…" She covered her mouth with one hand and took a couple of quick shaky breaths.

Steve stepped toward her and then back. She wondered if she should go get Diane. "Peggy, I…"

Peggy dropped her hand from her mouth and held out her arms. "Hug me, you idiot!"

She moved to Peggy and took her into her arms. Carefully, because she looked thin and fragile. But the arms that enveloped her were strong. They held Steve tightly, hands gripping her back and shoulders. Peggy pressed her face into the crook of Steve's neck, tears falling and wetting Steve's skin.

"You okay?" Steve asked. She stroked Peggy's back and pressed her face against Peggy's hair.

She still smelled the same.

"I'm fine." Peggy pulled back and placed her hand on Steve's face. "I just can't get over it. You're alive."

She covered Peggy's hand. "I'm alive."

Her eyes filled with tears again. "And you're still so beautiful. After all these years, you look exactly the same."

"You're the beautiful one. You're still a knockout."

"Stop." She shook her head. "I must come as a shock to you. You didn't experience the same passing of time that I did. I must look old."

"No."

"Liar."

Steve hesitated a moment, gazing into Peggy's eyes. Then, slowly, carefully, she lowered her head and kissed Peggy.

It was a light, chaste kiss. Peggy kissed her back before pulling away. "Don't be silly, Steve."

"I'm not."

"Steve…"

"You're older, but you're still beautiful. You're still the girl I fell in love with." She went to kiss Peggy again, but Peggy pulled away and stepped back out of her arms.

A sharp pang of disappointment went through her. But Peggy had tears streaming down her face and was pulling a handkerchief from her pocket.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"You've done nothing wrong." Peggy shook her head and wiped her eyes. "Nothing, Steve. You're lovely. And so sweet. But I can't…" She smiled sadly and shook her head again. "I can't."

"Okay." She swallowed and held the flowers out. "I brought these for you."

Peggy smiled. "Thank you." She took them and held them up to her nose, inhaling deeply. "I love roses." She walked to the kitchen area and started opening cabinets. "I have a vase here somewhere. Where… There it is. Can you reach it?"

Steve got the vase down and together they put the flowers into it. Then Peggy led them back into the living room and sat, gesturing for Steve to sit as well.

"We looked for you. Howard looked for you. For years. Until his death, he kept looking."

"I was sorry to hear that he died."

Peggy nodded. "It was a shock. I was sad to lose my friend." She folded her hands in her lap. "How are you? I can't imagine what you've been through. Are you all right?"

"I'm… I'm…" She swallowed and looked down at her hands. "I'm okay."

Peggy took Steve's hand in hers. "You always were a terrible liar."

She turned Peggy's hand over in hers. Stroked her thumb down Peggy's palm. "The hard part is coming to terms with the idea that everything I wanted is impossible. That you're… that we can't be together. Even if you ever wanted that."

"Of course I did." She folded her fingers over Steve's thumb. "Steve, I wanted to be with you. I loved you. I love you. I always have. No, you weren't the only one I ever loved, but what I felt for you was so strong that it's lasted all my life." She put her hand on Steve's chin and turned her head. "I would have done anything to be with you."

Steve grew hot under Peggy's gaze. She still wasn't sure if Peggy remembered or not, and she didn't know if she wanted to bring it up. Not straight on.

So, all she said was, "Even if I couldn't give you the kind of life you imagined?"

Peggy laughed. "Darling, the life I wanted was one with you. I wanted you however I could have you. That fact that you're a…. Are you a woman? I didn't make that up. I know I didn't. But, I mean, is that what you are? There are so many words now days to describe people. I've always wondered about you."

She flushed. "I guess… I mean, I was looking online, and the word that felt the most right to me was genderqueer."

"That's not a slur?"

"What?"

"I just thought that queer was derogatory."

Oh, great. Had she picked something that wasn't acceptable? "I don't know. I found it on Wikipedia. And my therapist didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with it."

Peggy nodded. "Maybe it's a reclaiming the term situation. I know that happens. If that's what you want, then that's what you call yourself. But what do you want me to call you? He or her or them or… or what?"

"Just… he is fine. Or, you can call me she, but not to other people. Just when you think of me."

"I'll stick with he. Although, I can't promise I won't slip up. I'm so muddled these days." She sighed and lay her head on Steve's shoulder. "Of course, you come back into my life right when it's getting harder and harder for me to remember it. I remember you, everything, right now, but there are days I don't even know my own children."

She put her arm around Peggy and held her close. "I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do."

"I wish this was a problem Captain America could solve, but it's in the hands of the doctors. And they can't do anything." She sighed and lifted her head. "Let's talk of other things. How are you liking this century?"

She laughed and shrugged. "I don't know. It's… it's big. And there's a lot of it. It moves very fast. I feel like I'm just trying to catch up right now. Trying to understand what everyone says." She swallowed. "I'm glad there's the internet. It helps so much. I'm on it all the time looking things up." She threaded her fingers through Peggy's. "I'm lonely. I miss the guys. My team. And…" Her voice completely failed.

"You just lost Bucky, that's right." Peggy squeezed her hand. "We looked for him after the war. We had hoped to bring both of you back home and bury you together. But we couldn't find him, either."

"I met him when I was fifteen, and after that…. It's like, all my memories involve him in some way. He was my best friend." More than that, but it didn't feel right to say that to Peggy. Because she loved Peggy, she did, but she loved Bucky, too. But it hadn't mattered, because to Bucky, Steve was just… Steve. His best friend and brother. He hadn't felt the same way about her.

"At SHIELD, we had a plaque erected where we added names of our fallen. Bucky's was one of the first name we added."

"Thank you." She sniffed.

Peggy turned and kissed her cheek. "Are you making friends? I saw you on TV with a new team. Are any of them friendly?"

"Kind of. The archer, Clint. He helped me out after the battle. I had a panic attack, and he talked me down. Then he came over, and we watched some movies. Before he took off, he told me to text or call if I needed to talk. And Natasha seemed nice. I guess I'll be training with her when she comes back to SHIELD." She licked her lips. "Clint knows."

"Knows what?"

"About me. He figured it out, I didn't tell him. He was good about it."

"You didn't tell anyone else?"

She shook her head. "I'm so used to it being a secret…"

"It doesn't have to be any more. You can be what you are without fear."

"I know. It's just… hard. I still feel weird anytime I say anything. And I feel exposed. Like something bad is going to happen."

"I won't lie and pretend nothing bad will never happen. There are still people who aren't accepting of this sort of thing. Luckily, you're a super soldier, so you don't have to worry about being attacked. Or, at least, you'll be able to hold your own. There are terrible things…" She stopped talking and shook her head. "But your team. You can trust them. And it would be better in the long run to show some faith in them up front. Not leave it to be something they discover."

"You think so?"

Peggy nodded. "People resent it when they think others don't trust them. Even if they have no right to a secret. It's your right to keep your identity to yourself for as long as you want. But there are consequences and one of those is broken trust, which is hard when it's a team who needs to work together to save the world. Just think about it. Think how you would feel if someone you knew and trusted told you they'd been hiding something from you, even if it was justified."

"I'd probably feel betrayed."

"Yes. So." Peggy smiled. "The worst thing that can happen is they refuse to fight alongside of you. And, trust me, Nick Fury isn't going to choose anyone else over you. You're Captain America. You're the leader of the team."

"I guess."

"Did any of your men know? Beside Bucky?"

"Falsworth knew. He figured it out. Morita… um." She blushed hotly. "He saw me."

Peggy grinned and wrinkled her nose. "Do I want to know what he saw you doing?"

"Probably not. Sufficed to say, it was something that didn't leave a lot of room open for confusion. He thought it was a dream at first, but Bucky kept pestering him, and he realized it was real. I don't know what he would have done. He was angry and snappish around me, but still followed orders. And then Bucky died, and he told me it didn't matter. That I was his captain." She shrugged. "He could have told Phillips."

"But he didn't. And now days…"

"They could go to the papers."

"But they can't do anything to you. Oh, you'll be tried in the court of public opinion. Some people will condemn you. You'll be a hero to others. You'll get hate. You'll get love. But, Steve, that's going to happen anyway. No matter what you do, you'll be loved and hated in equal measure. Just remember, all that matters is the people you care about. Those who you love and esteem. You'll have their love and support no matter what you do." She turned Steve's face and gazed into her eyes. "You'll always have my love."

This time, when Steve kissed her, she kissed back longer. But she still pulled away far too soon.

There was an awkward pause before Steve said, "What did you do after the war? Besides found SHIELD."

She laughed and leaned back against the couch. "Well. I moved to New York and worked for the SSR. It wasn't easy, because they didn't let me do much. I had to prove myself over and over again, prove that I was an agent and not a glorified secretary."

"Doors closing in your face, huh?"

"Well, they tried. But I kept sticking my foot in the door and forcing my way back in. I actually had quite a lot of adventures."

"Tell me."

She smiled, looking a little wicked, and started to tell Steve about the time Howard was accused of selling weapons to the enemy, and how she'd saved his reputation and his life.

She'd been talking for about a little over an hour when the door opened and Diane came in. "Mom? Sorry, Steve. But I really think it's time for Mom to rest."

"Diane, please, I'm perfectly fine."

"Mom."

Peggy sighed and then nodded. "Oh, very well. I'm so sorry, Steve."

"That's fine. I can come back another day. Right?" She looked from Peggy to Diane and back again.

She nodded. "I'm all right with that. But aren't you living in New York?"

"I'm moving here. I need a change, and Nick Fury said I could train out of the Triskelion. I'll be by you. We'll see each other lots." She stood.

Peggy rose as well. "I'll hold you to that. And you can call me, too."

"Diane has my number. If you ever want to talk…"

Peggy stepped into Steve and hugged her tightly. "I'm so glad you're back. And it'll get better. Believe me, I know how hard change is. But you will adjust."

"I know."

"And always remember that I love you."

"I love you, too." She kissed Peggy's cheek and then let go. "I'll see you soon."

"Good-bye."


Steve made it back to her hotel room before her eyes start to leak. She lay, curled in the middle of the bed, face wet with tears. It's a gentle sort of thing. They just fell, one after another until they were a flood, streaming down her cheeks, dripping down her neck. She didn't even feel like she was crying. She was too numb to do anything, and crying takes effort. This was… this was something else.

The shadows have lengthen and the room has grown dark before Steve is roused by the sound of her phone.

Sniffing, she sat up and swiped at her face. Her phone was on the nightstand, lit up and buzzing almost merrily. For an irrational moment, she hated it.

"Hello?" she said. Her voice sounded choked and phlegmy, like she had a bad cold.

There was a beat of silence, then, "Hey, Steve." Clint. "How'd things go with Peggy today?"

She sniffed and swiped at her nose with the back of her hand. "Great. It was good. She had a really good day and was, uh, lucid and stuff. She never seemed confused or anything about who I was."

"That's good. And she was happy to see you?"

"Yeah." Steve fell silent. She sniffed again.

"And are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Another beat of silence, then, "You don't sound fine."

And that made the tears fall faster. "I'm fine. I'm fine, really. I'm…"

"If you say you're fine one more time, I'm calling Natasha and telling her to go check on you. Because you say you're fine, but what I hear is that you're two seconds away from blowing your brains out."

"No, I'm…" She stopped before she said fine again. Grabbed a tissue from the nightstand and wiped her nose again. That stopped up feeling in her heart happened again, where it was hot and tight and painful. "I'm, um. It's just a little hard. She said she would have done anything to be with me, and, I mean, it was nice to hear. It was. But it doesn't do me any good, because we can't be together. I can't have that life and…"

"You're mourning."

She nodded. "No. It's not like she's dead.

"No, it's exactly what it is. You're mourning for the life you could have had. I'd be a mess, too." There was a beat of silence. Then Clint said, "So, she remembered about you?"

"Yeah. Maybe it's better. I mean, if I hadn't died, she'd never have had kids. I couldn't have given her that."

"Maybe with you, she wouldn't have wanted kids. People want different lives with different people. I never thought… Look. Be glad she had the life she did. But don't act like you didn't matter to her. That she wouldn't have been happy to live her life with you even without kids. I mean, maybe you could have adopted."

"Maybe." She wiped her eyes and sighed. "I'm glad I got to see her."

"You going to see her again?"

"I hope so. She said she'd like to see me again."

"Good. What are you doing right now?"

She rubbed her head, feeling like she was getting a headache. "Nothing. Just… sitting here."

"You need something to distract yourself. Wallowing in misery isn't going to help you. It's okay for a while, but now you've got to get yourself together and do something. Have you eaten yet?"

"No."

"So, go wash your face, go out to dinner. Don't order room service, get out of the hotel room. After you eat, take a walk around the National Mall because it's beautiful at night. Then, when your head is clear, you can go back to your room and read or watch a movie."

She let out a breath. "Only problem is, the only thing playing on TV are modern movies. I can't keep up with them, not yet. I'm still in the fifties on movies."

"You have your laptop? Because you can get Netflix on it. Just need your username and password."

"Oh. Okay, then. Any recommendations?"

"Well, we never watched The Apartment the other night, so there's that. Or, if you want a romantic movie, there's… Shoot!"

A loud cry sounded in the background over the line.

"Everything all right?"

"Yeah, it's fine, but I've got to go put out a fire. I'll talk to you soon, okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Later." Clint hung up.

Steve hung up and leaned against the headboard. She really didn't feel like going out, but Clint was probably right. Sitting in her room crying wasn't going to accomplish anything. It'd just make her feel worse.

So, she dressed, washed her face, and headed out.

Time to start living.

Fin