AUTHOR'S NOTE: *desperately dodges the bullets* I'm sorry! I'm sorry! It was evil and wrong, especially as there was no warning or indication to that. Zack was an important character and now he's gone. That chapter was horrible to write. I know it lacked description, so it seemed a little haphazard, but that was purposely done. Remember Cloud was severely intoxicated at the time, so it was bound to be fuzzy and vague. Anyway this chapter is done a little differently to the rest so read and enjoy and please review.

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Every person has those days they never forget. Memories that stay with you til the day you die.

For some its days spent with your loved ones. Playing, laughing, singing under the sun at a barbeque or something, I don't know.

Or puddle jumping in the rain with your closest friends on an outing. No matter how old you, nothing beats the feeling of you're shoes squishing in the mud and getting so filthy you're mom would flay you alive, and you don't give a shit.

Or maybe that very special date with a very special someone. You look into each others eyes and at that moment you KNOW.

For me, things are a little different. See if you've read the story, you'll know I'm no ordinary kid. See I come from a broken home, so we never had any family barbeques or get-togethers and stuff. I've been a loner most of my life, so the only puddle jumping I've done is with me, myself and I.

But like, most people I have a memory I will never forget. It isn't a good memory, in fact its one I'd rather forget.

As long as I live, I will never forget the funeral of Zack Fair.

I'd only known him for a year. A small period to most people, but a life-time to me.

This is gonna sound like some dumbass obituary, but I don't think anyone, Zack himself included, knew just what Zack had meant to me or what he had come to represent in my life.

I thought he was a douche bag at first. But within an hour of meeting him, I knew he was a friend for life. He was intelligent, smart and funny. Above all else, Zack stood with me, he was the most loyal friend anyone could ask for.

Even if he disapproved with what I did or the choices I made, he never let me feel like I was making the wrong ones. He would never make me feel guilty like some friends would. If I wanted to get high, he would come with me and do it himself to make sure I wouldn't get myself into trouble.

I knew that no matter what, no matter how far gone I was, Zack was the one person I knew would have my back and not judge, or think any less of me. I guess that, without me having to say it, he knew what I was going through and he knew that I would face it when I was ready.

But, I fucked up. I called on Zack one too many times and now he was...he was...

Zack was...dead.

Admitting it to myself as I stood in the graveyard, watching as the men shovelled dirt and sand onto the body of my best, I think that was when I cracked.

I fell to my knees, sobbing uncontrollably as tears ran freely down my face. I feel arms wrap themselves around me and a body pressed against mine.

Aerith.

Like me she was crying. Another pair of arms wrapped around us. Stronger arms.

Tifa.

Tears ran down her face, but she held her composure. She was not sobbing, Tifa wasn't the type to cry.

We had travelled to Gongaga; Zack's home-town, for the funeral.

I don't remember much of what happened. Its all a blur. A psychologist would probably say I'm mentally blocking it off because I'm not ready to face the trauma.

But I know that isn't true.

I was high. I was tripping off something I wasn't sure off. I had called Zack to bail me out. And we had been hit. That's all I can remember. They say I had crawled from the wreckage and called 911 from my phone, but I don't remember. The police and paramedics and whoever else was on the scene mistook my condition for shock.

I think it was in that moment, in the graveyard with Tifa and Aerith around me, that the realisation truly hit me.

Zack was gone and he wasn't coming back.

I looked at Aerith. She was a mess, her eyes were swollen and red with grief. Grief I had caused. How was I ever going to explain to her it was my fault her boyfriend was now in a six-foot deep pit, covered with dirt?

I looked around through eyes glazed with tears. I saw Zack's parents. An elderly couple who held each other silently crying. Disbelief evident on their features.

My mother was there as well, along with Tifa's dad. The two of them stood back, keeping silent. They were here for us, me and Tifa.

I saw Zack's many friends and admirers. Some of whom I'd met, others I hadn't. I saw Barret, Elena, Reno, Kunsel, Luxiere all of them with identical expressions of sorrow.

I had no idea just how well-known and well-liked Zack was. Even many of the village folks were around. Zack was just that kind of guy who people felt automatically drawn to. He was an easy-going, relatable guy.

Maybe I'm selfish, but I wondered if the positions were reversed, how would the situation have changed. What would have happened if it was me who had died in that crash? How many people would be there to pay their respects? How many people would be genuinely sad if I was in that grave right now?

I shuddered as Aerith and Tifa helped me to my feet and I gulped. I saw everyone making their way towards Mr and Mrs Fair.

I rushed towards them as well.

"Mr Fair, Mrs Fair," I began, my voice shaking. "I'm so sorry, I-" my voice failed me, cracking with emotion.

"Cloud?" Mrs Fair asked me. "Please don't cry."

Those words just brought forth more tears. Before I could say anything, she enveloped me in an embrace.

"I'm sure it can't be any easier for you, you were there when it happened," she whispered softly, I felt her tears drop onto my shoulder. I stiffened in her hug. I didn't deserve her comfort. I had taken her son from her!

I felt a rough hand ruffle my hair softly. I looked to see Mr Fair sadly rubbing his wife's back.

"You made sure someone was called. If it weren't for you, we might not have known about this for a long time, thank you Cloud," he said quietly.

If it weren't for me, Zack would have still been alive.

He looked at me through lavender eyes, so much like Zack's. "My son always spoke well of you," he said to me. "He said he was glad to have found a friend in you. He would always talk about you when he was home, and always mentioned you in his letters."

The old man's eyes filled with more tears and his voice broke. Before I even knew what I was doing, I had pulled him into a hug.

His body began to convulse with sobs.

"I'm so, so sorry," I managed to get out. He squeezed my shoulder as I released him and Mrs Fair smiled sadly at me.

"My son was the happiest I've seen him in years, and I think it had something to do with you, for that I thank you," she said with a sad smile.

"Don't worry about it, son," Mr Fair said to me. "He's in a better place now."

I just gulped and nodded. I hurried out of the way to allow the next people to give their condolences.

I walked off a little to the side. The weather was beautiful. The sun shone high above, at odds with the sad atmosphere. I could see most of the village from where I was standing.

Gongaga was a modest town. It reminded me of Nibelheim. The houses were small and underdeveloped. It made me think of the first time I met Zack. We had even joked about how we both came from backwater towns. I suddenly felt queasy.

I someone moving behind me. I turned around to see Tifa standing apprehensively.

"You okay?" She asked me.

"Yeah, I just think I need to be alone for a little," I answered.

She nodded. "I'm here if you need me." With that, she turned away and went to stand with Aerith who was talking with Mr and Mrs Fair. That was one of the things I loved about Tifa. She wasn't the finicky type that would wanna force me to talk about my feelings. It wasn't that she was uncaring or anything, I had told her I needed space and she understood and gave it to me.

I walked away from the graveyard. I don't know how long I walked or where I was going. It seemed as if time stood still. Nothing else mattered anymore.

I had arrived at a bank of a small river. I sat down on the edge and looked at the flowing water. I lit a cigarette and blew the smoke into the air.

"Zack's in a better place now," Mrs Fair had said.

Its probably a cliche or something people who don't want to face reality say to make themselves feel better about their loss.

Death is the final freedom. Liberation from pain and suffering. You can't feel pain when you're dead. I guess its possible, looking at Zack's face before he was buried, at the church's service. He looked free, calm and peacefull as if nothing would trouble him again.

I think for that moment I envied him. He didn't have to deal with anything anymore. He was gone.

I looked at the flowing water, how easy wouldn't it be to just wade in there and drown myself?

Death frees you from all your pain and despair. But what about the people left behind? Zack had so much to live for, so much to give.

Me? I think everybody would be better off without me.

My mom, she was a go-getter. A strong, hard-working woman. She didn't need the headache of her wayward son. She would have been so much further in life if I wasn't there leeching off her like a parasite.

Tifa? She was such a beautiful, amazing girl. I'm sure people probably whisper about what a loser like me was doing with her.

Aerith? She would be fine, she'd probably hate me if she knew anyway.

Zack had so many people depending on him, I was just a burden, I liability.

I looked longingly at the water again. But I didn't move. I was too much of a coward, I didn't have the courage to take my own life. As much as I hated myself I just couldn't.

All that suffering, was my fault. I had caused that.

"You alright?"

I turned to see a large man with slicked back black hair. He sat down next to me. "Angeal," he said holding out his hand.

"Cloud," I replied. "I wanna say I'm fine, but I think its obvious I'm not," I said looking down.

"Acceptance is the first step to recovery son," he said.

I recognised him as the guy Zack had been staying with in Midgar.

"This is hitting you hard, isn't it kid?" He asked.

I nodded, no sense denying it. "I just can't believe he's gone."

"Yeah, I'm gonna miss him too," Angeal replied, looking at the lake.

"Do you think he can forgive, even if he's dead?" I don't know what. Made me ask that. I guess it was killing me inside.

"The thing is, Zack would probably say there's nothing to forgive," Angeal said with a slight smile.

"What if its something really big?" I persisted.

"Well, if its really big, I suppose you have to forgive yourself before you can seek forgiveness."

They say death is freedom, a way of finally attaining eternal rest. A better place huh? Well, what happens after that? What happens if you get sent to Hell?

I'm not religious, nor do I even have a specific religion that I follow. But I feared for my soul. The reason I never jumped that day...was because I was afraid.

Afraid of Hell, or worse, facing Zack in the afterlife

XXX

AUTHOR'S NOTE: 1st person writing is quite different huh? I needed to do that to make it personal and be able to reflect on Cloud and his relationship with Zack. It wouldn't have been as effective in third person(to me at least). This was based on my feeling when a friend of mine died years and years ago and how I felt at the funeral. I know I didn't expand some of the things in the previous chapters, but it would have been difficult and repetitive to constantly add those things in.

Anyway please review