The sign on the front said 'Cookies' in sloppy orange paint, so Sasuke was moderately uncertain as to whether or not he'd come to the right place.
It had been one month since most of his clan had been slaughtered, and his mother had finally calmed down enough to let him leave the house on his own. Only a small portion of the Uchiha estate was being used, not so much because of the reduced population but rather because everywhere else was still bathed in gore. Rather than clean it up Fugaku had ordered the land razed and sold, claiming he could buy it back at any time through the clan's treasury.
No one called his bluff.
The first thing Sasuke had done after acquiring his freedom was to ask for the location of the building in front of him. Mikoto had insisted he bring a batch of home baked muffins as a gift, whilst Fugaku (in a remarkably tsundere manner) had asked him to pass on his thanks. So here he was, with a bag of sugary treats, wondering if this was where he was supposed to be.
"If you're going to just stand around all day," came a voice from right behind him. "Does it have to be in front of my house?"
Sasuke jumped a foot into the air with an embarrassing, girlish scream. Naruto was wearing the same outfit Sasuke had last seen him in - that is to say, he looked like he had neither bathed nor even removed his clothes since. His expression was utterly deadpan, and in his hand was a plastic shopping bag. Within was a solid, unidentified object which was slowly leaking a suspicious dark liquid onto the ground. Firmly, he averted his eyes.
"My name is Sasuke Uchiha," said Sasuke, deciding the polite approach was probably the best. "I just wanted to thank you for saving my family the other day. I brought… erm…" Lamely, he held out the bag in his hands. "I brought you some muffins."
Naruto looked at him, then at the muffins, then back at the other boy. "...Thank you." he nodded finally, taking the bag off his hands. "Would you like to come in?"
"Yes please." nodded Sasuke. He followed the blonde into the odd shabby building, intensely curious as to what was inside. It was as shabby as the exterior, a dull room with uncomfortable looking seats and a vacant receptionist's desk with a buzzer. Naruto lead him straight into the next room, which seemed to be half office and half surgery ward. A desk piled high with documents sat next to a bookcase full to bursting. On the other side of the room sat a slab that could have been for any kind of medical treatment, from dentistry to surgery to dissection. On the table next to it sat dozens of horrifying medical tools, and near the room's only window was a matching fridge and freezer. Naruto dumped the muffins on top of the latter while casually opening the fridge, lifting the bag he had been originally carrying as he did so. Sasuke quickly looked away, then refused to look back until he heard the door close.
"So… Muffins." said Naruto, plopping himself down at his desk and gesturing for Sasuke to sit in the visitors' seat. "Fantastic. I usually subside off of instant ramen, so it'll be a nice change."
"Uh," said Sasuke, awkwardly accepting as the strange blonde passed him a triple choc. "I just wanted to say…" Thank you for saving my family. "I just wanted to ask about something you said the other day. About buying corpses from my family."
"Oh, I wasn't buying them," said Naruto. "I exchanged drugs for them."
"...Right…" said Sasuke, deciding he really didn't want to pursue the point any further. "What did you do with the corpses?"
"I took them apart." said Naruto. He had yet to express any real emotion throughout the entire conversation, and had just started his second muffin. Sasuke's was untouched. "You know what I do for a living, right?"
"You're a doctor," nodded Sasuke slowly. "You were ejected from the med-nin program, and now give free medical support to civilians. May I ask why you-"
"Lost a bet." grunted Naruto sourly. "Those squares at the hospital were all jealous of me anyway. Now the only way I can learn anything is the old fashioned way - manual dissection!"
"That's what you needed three hundred and thirty two human carcasses for?" blinked Sasuke. "Medical research?"
"Three hundred and thirty one." corrected Naruto. "The three hundred and thirty second was the 'Surprise'."
"What was so Surprising about it?" Before Naruto could respond to the question the bell rang at the front desk. Sasuke almost jumped out of his skin while Naruto just blinked calmly.
"Be right back." he grunted, popping what was left of his muffin into his mouth. After the scruffy blonde had stumped unceremoniously out of the room, Sasuke lingered awkwardly in his seat. As voices began to echo from the reception area, he quietly rose to his feet and peeped after them.
Naruto was sitting in the waiting area next to an old civilian woman with glasses, chatting quietly. If this really was a doctor's office (despite the misleading front) then she was probably a patient. "I'm sorry for coming in so suddenly Doctor but… I just didn't have anywhere else to go." the woman murmured. Tears were threatening to leak from the corners of her eyes.
"That's quite alright." said Naruto, his voice taking on a soothing quality that Sasuke didn't expect from him. "Tell me what's wrong."
"I think I'm going blind!" she sobbed, and Sasuke's throat closed up. As an Uchiha, losing his sight was one of his worst fears. "My vision has just been getting blurrier and blurrier and now It's like there's this grey mist wherever I-"
"Could I have your glasses for a moment please?" The woman hiccuped as she was cut off, but did as he asked. He rubbed both sides of each lens with his sleeve, then handed them back. "How's that?"
"Oh my god!" the woman gasped. "I'm cured!" Sasuke sighed, and would have returned to his set were it not for what Naruto did next.
"Can I see your hands please?" The woman held out held wrinkled fingers, and the Doctor began to rub them delicately. "Have you felt any pain in your joints lately?"
"A little bit, in my knuckles. It's been getting harder to grip as well."
"I see," he nodded. He massaged her hands for a few moments more, then let go. "How do you feel now?"
A look of surprise crept across the woman's face as she flexed her fingers experimentally. "It feels… Wow, it actually feels much better. What did you do?"
"Just a little therapeutic massage." Naruto waved her off. He rummaged briefly under the receptionist's desk, emerging with a jar of golden jelly. "Rub this on your hands every night. Liberally. You'll feel better in no time."
"Thank you, Doctor." she smiled. "What do I owe you."
"Nothing." he shrugged. "It's made using natural ingredients from around Konoha, so I can make more myself. Come see me if you ever run out."
He ushered her out the door, and by the time he came back Sasuke was back in his chair and finally digging into his muffin. "Did I keep you?"
"Not at all." smiled Sasuke, kicking back in his chair as Naruto got started on a third muffin. "So, what was so Surprising about number three three two?"
"It was a nin encountered on an A rank mission consisting of Anbu class Uchiha nin. They had a kekkei genkai that was supposed to be extinct. By rights your family should have given the carcass to Danzo Shimura, but they all hate him so they gave it to me instead. Having bodies like this one on hand really make me wish I had access to my family jutsu."
"Yes, I can see how that- Wait, what? I thought you were an orphan?"
"Everyone comes from somewhere." They each took another muffin, finishing the pack. "My dad was a hardcore ninjutsu specialist, apparently, and left the family craft to rot. I have the scrolls and things to get started with, but no starter materials."
"What are you missing?"
"Do you know what a ley line is? A ley line is a river of supernatural energy underneath the earth's crust. When two or more intersect you get an area ripe with metaphysical potential called a Well, which most ninja can't access as conventional jutsu only focus on the manipulation of the physical world. You with me so far?"
"No." admitted Sasuke. "But please go on anyway."
"Right, well, there are in fact a few schools of jutsu that can take advantage of these phenomena, such as the Mokuton used by the Shodaime. As a matter of fact, he used the Well under Konoha to grow the greenery out of the wasteland bordering Wind Country. My family craft needs the power of the Well to function, but I have no idea where it is."
Sasuke frowned, absently swallowing his last mouthful. "Isn't there anyone you could ask?"
"Not that I know of. The Well itself is probably an unknown factor, but if I had a map of the ley lines themselves I could probably track it pretty easily. But if a map like that still exists, its probably locked away by one of the older clans in Konoha. I'd never get near it."
By this point the muffins were all gone, so Sasuke excused himself for the day. The first thing he did after returning home was to hit the library, where he stayed late into the following night.
He found exactly what he was looking for.
The Next Day…
"Yo." grunted Naruto, stumping inelegantly up to the dango stand and collapsing into his seat. "Got your message."
"Doctor!" grinned Sasuke excitedly, briefly turning away to order a fresh plate of goodies. "Look at this!" The faded parchment he pushed across the tabletop vaguely resembled a map of the Elemental Nations, but there were no borders between countries. Other than the occasional labeled dot symbolizing a famous landmark, such as the Valley of the End, the main feature of the article was the network of black lines crisscrossing the land. Both the lines and the landmass were drawn curved, symbolizing the curvature of the earth.
"Three years I've looked for this." said Naruto flatly. "And you find it in twelve hours."
"Two hours." corrected Sasuke cheerfully, pushing a second scroll towards him. "Here's a more localized version."
Naruto spent a few minutes perusing the parchment, a thoughtful frown lingering across his face. Sasuke started enthusiastically on his dango in the background. "The Senju compound." said Naruto finally. "Of course, it would have to be the single most secure location in Konoha." He propped his elbows on the counter and stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Could I just buy the land, perhaps?"
"Doubt it." said Sasuke, around a mouthful of dumpling. "The land belongs Tsunade. As in the Slug Princess. She's been AWOL for years."
"Tsunade, huh?" Naruto stared into space for a long moment. "Say, Sasuke, what would you say to-"
"Naruto Uzumaki! I hereby place you under arrest!"
The blonde doctor blinked slowly, then turned to face the Anbu that had suddenly surrounded the stand. "What for?"
"What for?" parroted the leader sarcastically. "What do you mean what for!"
"Is it because I've begun illegal medical practice again?" wondered Naruto.
"No, we're pretty much used to that."
"Or was it that I murdered the Uchiha heir?"
"You what!"
"Then I suppose was the dissection room I've kept in that warehouse on the west side, the experimental drugs under my floorboards, the severed head in my fridge, the corpse in my freezer-"
"Go check those out!" came the harsh whisper, and half the Anbu ran off.
"And off course there's the fact that I recently stole the Nidaime's sword and took it apart to see how it works."
"That was you!" screamed the Anbu, the suddenly paused. "Wait, what do you mean took it apa-"
"I know! It must be those diagrams of the Hokage tower security systems that I threw into the trash after I didn't need them anymore."
"What were you doing with… and what do you mean you didn't need them anymore?"
"Alright, I give up." said Naruto. "Why am I under arrest?"
Although the older man was wearing a mask, they presumed he was gritting his teeth behind it. "Because you stole all my porn, that's why!"
"Oh." murmured one of his friends. "So that's what we're here for."
"By porn," clarified Naruto. "Are you by any chance referring to the collection of Icha Icha Paradise going from the the first book through to the most recent sixty third, all mint-condition, first-edition and signed personally by the author? Is that what we're talking about?"
"Yes!" screamed the Anbu furiously. "Yes it is!"
"Then you're too late. I traded them."
A cloud passed in front of the sun. "...You traded them?"
"For drugs." nodded Naruto.
The air filled with the sounds of chirping birds as the Anbu finally lost it, a blade of lightning covering his left hand. Such colossal volumes of chakra were forced into the technique that wayward bolts began to streak off in random directions, burning numerous long rents into the ground. With a battle cry the man rushed forward, and Naruto had only just flung himself out of the way before he was spit-roasted on his hand. The counter of the dango stand was split apart like hot butter, the man's momentum enough that he kept going and burned smoldering hole through the building behind it. As the roof of the stand began to collapse inward the Anbu burst back out again, drawing his kodachi for a second try. Before he could he was interrupted, barely escaping before a giant white tail slammed onto the spot where he'd just been standing.
The newcomer was a giant white snake, towering over the nearby houses and hissing malignantly. On its head stood a beautiful woman in revealing fishnet, her face a mask of fury. "I don't know who you think you are," she snarled, her voice rising into a hysterical shriek. "BUT THAT'S MY DANGO YOU'RE FUCKING WITH!" The snake opened its jaws and and puked out a streaming waterfall of lesser serpents, hundreds of screaming reptiles that surged like a landslide towards the unlucky Anbu. He made to dodge, but found his feet pinned by an array of intricate bone darts piercing through the rim of his sandals.
"Bone Art:" murmured Naruto. "Teeth of the Dragon." Seals carved onto each dart flared with chakra, melding the projectiles into two sets of bone jaws. As each bit down on one of his legs, the Anbu found himself helpless beneath the rain of snakey doom.
Sasuke sat, forgotten, at what remained of the dango stand. Still munching on his dumplings, he was reading a note Naruto had slipped him just before the shit hit the fan. The note said:
I am about to be arrested by Anbu. I plan to spend the night in jail, then sneak out the next morning to track down Tsunade Senju. If you want to come along, pack the following…
It was the start of a beautiful friendship.
